I don't really know how I feel after being visited by Tony. It was nice, nice because I could tell him things that I wish I could have told him before what happened happened. Things that I wish I could have asked him for advice on. Things that happened after he was gone.
He listened. And he gave advice. And I know now more than I ever did before that he was really, really proud of me. And that he still is, even if he's not around to say it or show it.
But at the same time, everything hurts a lot more than it has for awhile. I might have gotten some closure, but that loss feels a lot more raw now. It's not as bad as right after he died, but it's still right up there, because now I'm reminded more than ever of what I'd been missing. And yeah, maybe I don't need it, but I want it. And even if I get to see him here again, I won't ever get to see him again when I go back home.
I just wish there had been something I could have done.