Wonderland had opened up a whole can of worms. Huge. And wriggly. But not disgusting. It was definitely fun. Q hadn’t gotten that stoned in ages, and he realized he had needed it for a while now. But for Q’s heart, still tender from Savannah dumping him for Adam, it reopened a painful old wound.
He had reached out to Margo for advice. Most people would probably have told him that Margo wasn’t the advice giving type, but they didn’t know her like he and Eliot did. Margo knew them both. Intimately. What she told Q, and hinted at, had left him thinking.
And thinking. Until he realized he was thinking to avoid talking. Quentin sighed at himself as he got up from his bed where he’d been hiding from the world. He ran his fingers through his hair then went to Eliot’s room.
He stared at it for a while before he knocked. “Eliot?”
*
Eliot noticed that Quentin seemed to be keeping his distance since their return from Wonderland. He didn’t regret what happened there, but he also wasn’t sure what it meant, so he was fine with giving his friend the space he needed to work through his own feelings.
When he heard the knock on the door, he smiled to himself since he heard the footsteps and was aware of the lengthy pause before it. “Come on in,” he said, setting down the book he was reading and sitting up on his bed so he could make room for Quentin to join him.
*
The door opened then Q poked his head in. “Hey,” he said, then realized he was lurking in the door. He cleared his throat as he stepped in, the door pulled shut behind him.
He rubbed his palms on his pants as he walked toward Eliot. Somehow he figured out why Eliot scooted over but he did only perch himself on the edge near Eliot’s legs. Q wanted to face his friend. That was his reasoning and he was sticking to it.
“I…uh…” He huffed as he pressed his lips together. “You know I’m not good at this.”
*
Apparently now is when they were going to have this conversation. “You say that as if I am,” Eliot teased. They both knew that couldn’t be further from the truth. “But, yeah, I figured we would need to have this conversation sooner or later.”
Eliot pulled out his flask and took a drink before offering it to Quentin. He was definitely going to need booze to get through this.
“Do I need to start by apologizing for what happened in Wonderland? I know I was the one who initiated it.” Not that either of them had exactly been in their right minds, of course they hadn’t known that at the time.
*
“What?” Q blinked. “No. We were both roofied, but I don’t regret it.” He shoved his hand through his hair in a nervous gesture. “I just regret that it took us being roofied to get there. So I guess…” He paused to get a handle on his anxiety. And failed. “I guess I want to know if you thought it was a mistake never to be repeated.”
Like after the mosaic. That had broken Q’s heart after a literal lifetime of loving Eliot.
*
“Quentin, listen to me,” Eliot said, reaching over to take the other man’s hand in his. “I would never regret being with you. Never.” The lifetime they shared at the mosaic was a memory he would always cherish. Hell, it was one of the things that helped him survive being possessed by the Monster.
He paused. “I love you,” he said quietly, his gaze dropping for a moment before meeting Q’s eyes again. “But I don’t think I can give you what you deserve.
*
Q’s smile became less nervous when Eliot took his hand and said all that. His eyes met Eliot’s as hope kindled within him. Maybe Margo had been right. And Eliot loved him? That was a bit surprising, but no less good! That kindling hope flickered even more to life, and Q was planning a big hug for Margo.
Then it all came crashing down and the fire of hope froze. Q frowned, but he didn’t release Eliot’s hand. The hope may have diminished, but there was a spark of determination that replaced it.
“I don’t understand. What do you mean, what I deserve?”
*
That disappointed look in his eyes was exactly what Eliot was hoping to avoid, though he should have known it wouldn’t be that easy. “I’m broken,” he said. “I’ve lost everyone I loved. I can’t go through that again. And you deserve someone who will be able to love you the way you love them.” Eliot knew he would always be too afraid that the other shoe was going to drop to give his heart to anyone.
“Sometimes I wish we could go back to the mosaic,” he admitted. “Everything was so much simpler then. But we can’t.” Because their lives were anything but simple regardless of where they were. Brakebills, Fillory, and Madison Valley all had different ways of fucking them over.
*
Q huffed at first then gave a chuckle that had nothing to do with amusement as he pulled his hand back. “I think you should leave it up to me to decide what I do and don’t deserve, Eliot. If you’re too selfish to even try to love me then just admit it, but don’t hide behind how you think you’re broken because I’m the fucking king of broken. Remember?”
There was a reason Margo had dubbed him High King Quentin The Moderately Socially Maladjusted. Alice had broken up with him and never forgave him. Eliot had loved him as long as they were alone together. He’d been good enough for Savannah until Adam came to his senses. Now Eliot was rejecting him. Again. Q was going to kill Margo.
“I know you went through a lot. But we all have.” Q got up from where he was perched on the bed. He wasn’t going to try to argue sense into Eliot. Margo could do that. “You don’t get to corner the market on heartbreak.”
Q shook his head then turned to leave.
*
Eliot knew he deserved everything Quentin was saying, so he didn’t try to defend himself. “Don’t go,” he said when Quentin stood. “I am selfish. Because I’m fucking scared. I already mourned you once. We know how this place is. If you get sent back…”
His voice choked at the mere thought and he buried his hand in his hands, hating the thought that Quentin was seeing him so vulnerable. There was a part of him that wanted to cling to the other man, that wanted to throw caution to the wind and try to recreate that wonderful life they lived together. The realistic part of him knew that things would never be the same as they were though.
“I’m sorry. I…”
*
It would take a much colder person than Quentin to walk away from Eliot now. Q didn’t have a cold bone in his body, so he went back to Eliot and put both arms around him. Eliot obviously needed to be held whether he’d admit it or not.
“Hey. I’m right here. Right now. Don’t cry. Please?”
*
As much as he wanted to protest that he was crying, Eliot couldn’t muster up the energy to do so and he simply let himself sag against Quentin, burying his face against the other man’s chest. “I can’t do it,” he said, his voice muffled. “I’m sorry. I can’t take that risk.”
Eliot hated that he was so weak that he was hurting both of them this way.
*
Yes, it hurt, but as upset as Eliot was, Quentin couldn’t vent it on him. All he could do was hold Eliot as long as necessary. His own tears slid silently down his cheeks. Q cried for the rejection, cried for Eliot’s loss. He couldn’t tell Eliot that it was alright. That he understood. Oh, he did understand, but it wasn’t alright. How many times had Eliot drawn him out from his fear. Eliot with Margo. Why was Eliot the exception? But Q wasn’t strong enough to shove that down his friend’s throat. He just didn’t have it in him.
*
Eliot wasn’t sure how long they sat there like that, but when he finally pulled back and saw the tear streaks on Quentin’s cheeks he felt a wave of guilt. “Fuck. I’m sorry. I can’t stop hurting you and I hate myself for it.” He realized that he kept apologizing and the words sounded hollow so he wouldn’t blame Q if he couldn’t accept it.
*
There was one way Eliot could apologize and stop hurting Q, but that wasn’t going to happen. “It’s fine, Eliot.” The hitch in his voice gave truth to the lie, but Q just couldn’t do this anymore.
Now that Eliot seemed to be better Quentin released him then stood up again. “This is my fault. I…knew better but, “ Margo gave me hope anyway “It wasn’t fair to pressure you. I’ll leave you alone.”
*
“It’s my fault,” Eliot said. “I shouldn’t have let things get out of control in Wonderland. And I’m the one that’s too weak to take that leap.” He leaned his head back against the wall. “I don’t want you to hate me.” He was doing a bang-up job of that all on his own.
He sighed. He wasn’t sure if he could have fucked this up any worse though he also wasn’t sure how he could have handled it better.
*
So he did regret what they did in Wonderland. Well, why not go all in. Q wouldn’t let that show, however. Eliot was beating himself up too much as it was.
“Eliot, we were roofied. Under the influence. It’s neither of our faults. Just let it go.” He gave a heavy sigh then turned for the door. “I could never hate you, Eliot. Don’t worry about that.” Dead truth, as painful as it was. He couldn’t even be mad at Eliot. Not like Savannah. He loved E too much for that.
*
No, Eliot didn’t regret it. He just hated that it put them in this position. There was nothing more he could say though, no point in apologizing again and nothing he could say that would make this better. “Are we going to be okay?”
*
Q paused at the door, his head lowering as he sighed again. His hair swayed as he shook his head. “I don’t know. I hope so.” But he wasn’t sure how many times they could take the punches that kept coming at them before they actually did break beyond repair.
“I…I hope something makes you happy, Eliot. Something. Someone. Because you deserve a happy ending. I think you need it.” I wish I was enough for that.
He pulled the door open to slip out. He didn’t want to hear Eliot deny things anymore.
*
Eliot didn’t think he deserved to be happy and the tone in Quentin’s voice only solidified that opinion of himself. “So do you, Quentin. More than anyone else I know.” He didn’t bother to try and stop him this time, knowing that there was a fracture between them that might not be able to mend.