Dean Winchester (agentplant) wrote in madisonvalley, @ 2022-03-31 19:02:00 |
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Entry tags: | !completed gdoc, !log, dean winchester (agentplant), lisa braeden (thereforhim), ~2022 march |
Who: Lisa Braeden and Dean Winchester
Where: Their house
When: Early March
What: Dean opens up a little.
Status: complete
Warnings: mention of hell
Dean was relieved that things had gone pretty well with meeting Alex, and that he hadn't been yelled at for anything stupid he might have said. Even though they were considerably older, at least the girl wouldn't have to feel so alone. Though he did end up getting roped into a night at the museum, he was confident he would manage to survive. He wasn't due to work until later that afternoon and had decided to take it easy that morning. So, instead of working around the house, he was currently sitting on the couch with his feet up, watching reruns of Scooby Doo, episodes he had probably seen over twenty times now. When a commercial came on he hurried out of the room and back to the kitchen to pour himself another cup of coffee. As an afterthought, he grabbed a donut from the cabinet as well and then made his way back to the couch, content with himself for the moment. “Hey, babe, what are you doing?” He called out from where he sat, wondering if she had to leave for work anytime soon. Since their meeting with Alex, Lisa had been thinking a lot about how to brooch the whole “you went to hell” thing to Dean. Obviously, it had been a slip of the tongue and he hadn’t meant to actually ever let her know he’d been to hell. Lisa could understand why; he knew she’d be upset and a little angry he hadn’t decided to tell her about it. Of course, Dean keeping secrets was no secret in their relationship and for the most part, Lisa let it slide. She knew that the things Dean had seen and done with his brother were not pretty. She knew they were difficult to talk about with someone who had never been raised into that life. She also knew he wanted to protect her and by not telling her, he saw this as accomplishing that goal even if it infuriated Lisa. Hearing him call out to her from the living room pulled Lisa from her thoughts and picking up her cup of coffee, she made her way into the living room. She wasn’t due into work for a bit and Dean wasn’t doing anything constructive (watching Scooby Doo was not constructive). It felt like the perfect time to at least say something about it. Sitting on the couch, Lisa put her coffee on the table and looked over at him. “I’m not due into work for a bit and neither are you so why don’t we talk about how you didn’t tell me you went to hell.” He saw her move to sit on the couch and he started to lean over for a kiss when she suddenly mentioned his going to hell. Dean looked at her with wide eyes and leaned back against the couch, not even sure what to say. “Okay, can you be a little more specific, please? I’ve been to hell on multiple occasions.” Fuck. “I mean, it was so long ago…” he shifted anxiously against the couch, wondering where she had even heard about that. “Did you read the books? I’ve actually died a lot. Like, over a hundred times easily, thanks to that little fucker Gabriel.” He knew he had gone off about Cas recently. Had he let it slip somehow? It was entirely possible, and he thought back to the last few days when it finally dawned on him. It had slipped out during their time with Alex. Fuck. “Why would you even want to know that? It happened before we got together and there’s really never an opportune time to be like, hey, this one time, I was tortured in hell, and then I started the apocalypse.” Mother fucker. Dean groaned dramatically and pressed both hands to his face in frustration. Why was everything coming out so easily? “You don’t even know, Lis, all the shit I’ve dealt with in the past…my whole life, basically. It’s not pretty, so why would I share that?” Lisa’s eyes widened. “Multiple occasions?” Well, if he was hoping to somehow make light of the situation by saying it was pretty commonplace, it failed. Miserably. Lisa was now even more concerned and maybe even a little more upset that he didn’t share this with her, but again, Dean wasn’t exactly the sharing and caring type. Still, part of her hoped they were starting to move past that in their relationship. At the mention of the books, Lisa shook her head. “No, no I never read the books and I’m glad I didn’t consider it seems like you died in every single one of them. But that’s not the point. The point is, I shouldn’t have to read a book about you and Sam to know things about you, Dean.” Because they were going to be married and that changed things a lot. Unless the Dome fucked something up, they were going to be together for a long time. She wanted to work on them not having secrets from each other, no matter how bad they were. “Started the apocalypse, huh? Really?” Lisa reached for the remote and muted the television. Scooby Doo was not going to be an audible part of this conversation. Then she turned back to Dean and sighed. “I know it’s not ‘pretty’ Dean, but we’re going to be married. Don’t you think we should at least talk about it or touch on the subject? Whether you like it or not, it’s part of your life and thus it’s a part of mine. Of our son’s and eventually our daughter’s. We can’t just pretend that it didn’t happen.” “No, I didn’t die in every single book. Not even half of them, actually.” He watched her pick up the remote to mute the television, and he realized there was no easy way out of this situation. “Tell me, Lisa, what difference does it make if you know or not? What, are you going to treat me any differently because I was tortured in hell?” Dean responded bitterly, though he knew he had no right to be angry with her, and he wasn’t really, but it wasn’t how it sounded. “You knew that my life was fucked up, and you never asked before, so why now? How does this have any effect on you, or our future children, when it happened to me years ago?” At this point, he would have much preferred if she read the books instead of making him talk about it, but that clearly wasn’t what she wanted. “I sold my soul to save my brother. He was dead, okay? My father was dead and Sam was my responsibility and I let him fucking die, so I didn’t have a choice. I did what I had to do to save my brother and I would make the same choice all over again.” He spoke quickly, his jaw clenched, avoiding any and all eye contact with Lisa, tucking himself as securely as he could into the corner of the couch where he sat. “The first time I died was in a car accident cau-” he stopped himself and inhaled a deep breath, letting out a sob as he fell forward to bury his face in his hands, shaking his head. “No, Dean. I’m not going to treat you any different. That’s not the point of this conversation,” Lisa replied, trying to keep her voice as gentle as possible despite how angry his own sounded. She knew having this conversation with Dean wouldn’t be easy and maybe that’s why she hadn’t tried to pull it out of him before. Because she knew it was difficult, painful, and she didn’t want to put him through it again because he was dealing with enough. “But keeping that stuff locked up inside isn’t going to make it go away. It isn’t healthy either. This is both of our chances at a different outcome for us. I want that. Keeping secrets isn’t a different outcome.” Lisa fell silent, allowing him to talk. She knew it wasn’t going to be easy for him and when he broke down, pulled into the corner of the couch, Lisa scooted over and put an arm around his shaking shoulders. “I know it’s not okay. Nothing that you faced is okay, but I am here and I’m not going anywhere." "Do you even know how much fucking shit I have in here?" Dean questioned, tapping at his head. "There is just no fucking way in hell I will ever tell you everything. I'm sorry, Lis, but some things are just better left untouched." He was fine with keeping his secrets buried, things that even Sam didn't know. "It doesn't-" he paused to take a deep breath, reaching up with one hand to wipe over his face. "I mean, some of it I don't mind, but that's probably not the stuff you actually want to know. For the record, I only went to hell once. Well, as a death, that is. Strangely enough, I have actually been to hell as a visitor." That was easy to admit. But, the fact that he had literally tortured other souls in hell and enjoyed it? No. That would never make it to her. Finding himself to be a little more composed, he continued on. "My death count is considerably higher than Sam's, thanks to Gabriel. You know, the archangel? He thought it would be funny to go Groundhog Day on us, and at some point in the day, I would die. I would die and then every single fucking day we woke up to was the same day, Tuesday all over again, fucking Asia and heat of the moment on the alarm clock. I don't know how, but Sam managed to figure it out and he remembered everything, while I was completely clueless. So, yeah. That was a fucking laugh and a half." He added with a roll of his eyes, leaning in against her. “I have a good idea,” Lisa replied quietly. No, she hadn’t been on any hunts with Dean, but from the little she had experienced? Well, her imagination could do the rest. No, she didn’t expect him to tell her everything because that wasn’t Dean, but a little insight would be a step in the right direction. For Lisa, it would mean a lot and she knew it would be good for Dean too…even if he didn’t see it right now. “But you don’t have to tell me everything.” With Dean, she’d learned to take what she could get. She leaned back against the couch and did what she said she was going to do. She listened. Obviously, it wasn’t pretty and hearing how he had died multiple times due to some angel’s trick was far from comforting. No, it wasn’t the stuff fairytales were made of, but Lisa never expected it to be. She just wanted a peek beneath the shell and he was giving her that. She wrapped an arm around his shoulders and pulled him closer. “I appreciate you telling me. I know…it’s not easy for you. And hearing you died that much…is definitely not easy. Nothing compared to living through all of that like you did, but I just…feel bad I wasn’t there.” "Honestly, dying was easy," Dean replied with a shrug. The majority of deaths he didn't even recall, he just knew that they had happened. "If it makes you feel any better, I'm fairly certain I will end up in heaven." It seemed likely, given that Jack was God now, and even if he did end up in hell for some reason, at least he knew the boss there as well. He shifted against the couch and moved to place his arms around her, finding comfort in her embrace. When she said she felt bad for not being there, he turned to look at her curiously. "Why would you feel bad? It's not your fault that God decided Sam and I would be fun to play with." His fingers traced down her arm and he laced their fingers together, giving her hand a light squeeze. "It's better that you weren't, because you would have been a weak link for me and everyone would have taken advantage of it. When I got the call from Ben that strange men entered your house…I was living my worst nightmare and all I could think about was that you and Ben were going through something so horrible, because of me. You didn't deserve that, and your connection to me was the only reason it happened. If I had stayed with you, who the hell knows what else you would have been forced to go through. I have been to hell and back, possessed by a homicidal angel, locked up in prison, left in literal solitary confinement for way too long, been wanted for murder and chased by the feds and that's just the tip of the iceberg. I could handle all that again, but you and Ben," his voice faded off and he shook his head. "That is one thing I never want to live through again and-" Dean took another deep breath and turned to rest his head back against the couch. "I remember the day I came to your house and told you that life with you and Ben would be my happily ever after, and that never changed for me. You wanted me to come in and-" Son of a bitch. How the hell had one question turned into all of this? "You showed me love and kindness, and I never forgot about that." “I know. I know. It’s better the way things turned out for us back home. Ben and I would have only made it so much harder on you if we’d continued to be a part of your life. We did make it harder on you. I get that now. Seeing me possessed then stabbed? Ben almost killed? No, I know it destroyed you. I know you did the right thing in making us forget you. It protected us,” Lisa replied softly. Yes, it was probably foolish for her to feel bad for not being there. Like Dean said, Ben and her were his weak links. They had both ended up in the clutches of Crowley and Lisa was actually possessed at one point. The memory still made her tremble and when Dean put his arms around her, Lisa cuddled closer to him. No, she knew it was better the way it had been. Dean making her forget about him was to protect them from that. Still, part of Lisa would always wish she’d been there more for Dean even if it might have been the worst idea for all parties involved. When you loved someone, you just wanted to be there for them, even if it was dangerous a lot of the time. Besides, Lisa remembered some of the horrible things she’d said to Dean while possessed too. She wished she’d just tried harder instead of throwing in the towel on them. She squeezed his hand in return and leaned over to press a kiss to his forehead. Lisa invited him in that day, but he didn’t stay…he just wanted her to know that his happily ever after was her and Ben. Lisa felt tears burn in her eyes at the memory and she took a deep breath, barely managing to swallow the lump in her throat. “I know you didn’t. I couldn’t think of anything else that day after you left.” Dean moved to pull her into his arms and held her tight, kissing her shoulder and neck, comforted by her scent. He didn't feel all that much lighter having told her, but maybe it did feel better not having as many secrets. "Can we talk about something else now, please?" He had been open and forthcoming about one of his deepest secrets, and he wasn't ready to talk about anything else. "I love you. Thank you for being so amazing." |