Entry tags:

!closed, !completed gdoc, !log, ~2020 september, ~~steve rogers (_shieldless_), ~~veronica mars (veronica_mars)

Who: Veronica Mars & Steve Rogers
What: Finally meeting face to face
Where: Starbucks
When: This afternoon
Warnings: references to canon deaths; lots of feels
Status: complete


After nearly eight months spent mourning the loss of both of her husbands, the entire family she’d build for herself here in Madison Valley, and almost turning into her mother, Veronica felt more like herself. She would always carry those she lost in her heart, but she knew that none of them would want her to stop living. The decision to participate in speed dating had been spur of the moment and she was glad she did it, even if she wasn’t ready to think about getting into another relationship right now. That would take a bit more healing.

Still, she was living her life largely the same way she had before this past January when it all went to hell, working, spending time with friends, and of course, indulging in her Starbucks addiction. It was mid afternoon and she anticipated a long night ahead going through a client’s financial records, so she stopped by the coffee shop on her way home from the office with the intention of getting a large iced mocha and a couple of brownies.

All of the progress she’d made over the past eight months was almost wiped out in three seconds when she realized she was in line behind Steve Rogers. The new one, the one that didn’t know her, didn’t know the life they’d shared, hadn’t fathered her child. She felt a surge of panic rising in her chest, squeezing her eyes shut and forcing herself to take a deep breath and let it out slowly before it overtook her.

When she opened her eyes, she realized the man in front of her had turned slightly and was looking at her with concern. Because of course he was. She mustered up something approximating a smile.

“Hi,” she said, hoping the lump in her throat would dissolve. “I’m Veronica.”

She figured he knew who she was.

---

Steve was typically in the coffee shop earlier than this, but he’d gotten a slow start this morning. He even missed getting to start with the people he ran with. It didn’t take much for him to catch up with them which gave him a bit more of a work out than normal. So his shirt was clinging to him a bit by the time he made it in for coffee.

The plan was to get his coffee to go so he could offend as few people as possible, get home and get a shower. He was standing in line when he felt someone queue up behind him. Not surprising in itself. It was the tension that got his attention. He glanced over his shoulder out of curiosity and concern then saw who it was. He sighed quietly. Well, this was bound to happen. He just wished it was under more controlled circumstances.

Steve offered an understanding smile as he nodded. “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.”

---

Veronica shook her head. It was such an odd feeling to be standing this close, to have memories of hundreds of intimate moments between them, and yet see him looking at her like a complete stranger. “You don’t need to apologize,” she said. “It’s not your fault.” It wasn’t anyone’s fault other than who or what was responsible for the dome.

“I, uh… I hope things haven’t been too difficult for you, settling in,” she said. Steve had been here for a very long time and knew a lot of people. That had to make things a lot more awkward for him when he arrived.

---

“Maybe not,” he said quietly, a note of regret in his voice. “But it can’t be easy, and I’m sorry that you have to deal with that. And I would have liked the first time we talked be different than running into each other unexpectedly.”

A wry smile formed on his face as he lowered his eyes and huffed in amusement. Just that quick he could see what would have attracted him to her. Selflessness. “It’s been fine,” he said as he picked his eyes back up. “Thanks for asking.”

---

“It’s not like I didn’t know what I was getting into,” Veronica said. She’d lost two other long term relationships before she and Steve started dating so she was well aware of the possibilities. “Such is life under the dome.” She was attempting to affect a casual tone though she knew it wasn’t coming through as such.

Even though she could tell he’d just finished a run, she figured that now was as good a time as any to talk. “Do you, uh… want to sit and talk for a few minutes after we get our coffee?”

---

He didn’t believe the blithe way she swept aside her loss, but he recognized it for what it was. If she didn’t want to talk about it he was more than capable of letting it go. It wasn’t his heart on the line. The fact that she was standing there talking to him proved her bravery...or her devotion to coffee.

The recognition of how much she was putting herself out was there to be seen in his smile. “Sure. We probably should.” And since he was first in line he’d pay for her coffee.

---

Since Veronica knew not to try and argue with him about buying her coffee, she switched her planned order, instead asking for a hot chai latte. She needed the comfort of a warm drink to get through this and something that would be less jarring on her nerves. Still, she felt like she owed this to him, sure he had questions. Plus she owed it to herself to face him. Madison Valley wasn’t that big and she couldn’t avoid him forever.

While they waited for their drinks, she pulled out her phone and sent a quick text to Leo asking him to come by her place later. She was going to need the emotional support or else it would be too easy to fall into a bottle again.

“Thanks,” she said awkwardly.

***

“You’re welcome,” Steve answered with a small smile on his face then he turned to break a path through the crowd toward a table for them. Whether it was the boy scout mannerisms or the shoulders that were broad enough to pave a swath through deep snow, the crowd just seemed to part for him. Of course, he always said pardon or excuse me because that was Steve.

When they reached a table he pulled a chair out for Veronica. He didn’t hold it. He’d learned that lesson. But nothing would stop his old fashion manners.

“You doing ok?”

***

Veronica wasn’t the least bit surprised when he pulled out a chair for her. That was the Steve she remembered. Once she sat down, she took a careful sip of her drink, nodding in response to his question.

“I am,” she said. “I will admit that it was a little rough for me when you first got here, but I’m doing better now.” Thanks to Leo dropping truth bombs on her. She really didn’t deserve him and she kept reminding herself of that. “How about you? I can only imagine what it’s like to show up somewhere like this and hear about a whole other life that you don’t remember.”

***

Steve was relieved to hear she was doing ok. His smile came a little easier. He chose to believe it was true, and not just a cover to play it off. He’d see through it in a hot minute. Didn’t matter how good an actor you were. But he also respected her enough to not press.

“I’m alright.” His tone was almost a little surprised.”I’ve met some people. Some remember me. Some don’t. It’s the kids that’s the worst.” He almost flinched, instantly regretting bringing that up since Veronica hadn’t just lost him, but a child as well.

***

Losing Keith left Veronica with a lot of conflicted feelings. It had taken a lot of work for Steve to convince her to have a baby in the first place and as much as she’d loved their son, she was grateful not to have to do the single mom thing. And being grateful for that made her feel guilty.

“Yeah, you’re Uncle Steve to a lot of little ones,” she said. “The good news is, kids are kinda dumb and won’t realize if you don’t actually remember them.”

Was that too harsh? She had no idea. It was true though, at least in her experience.

***

The look he gave her was apologetic, but his smile remained. He was grateful that she hadn’t been stung too harshly by that. He gave a quiet chuckle as he shrugged a shoulder. “I play along. They’re kids. They don’t need to know the truth.”

He took a long drink of his coffee before he leaned his arms on the table. “I don’t really know how to do this. I’ve never been on a date let alone a relationship.” No, that speed dating thing didn’t count. “So I don’t even know what to ask or say. I’m sorry that I don’t remember. That me just being here hurts you. I wish there was something I could do.”

***

“It’s not your fault,” Veronica said. She didn’t want him to carry around guilt for something that neither of them had any control over. “You don’t need to apologize. Honest.”

Hearing that he’d never even been on a date was weird and she almost blurted out a really embarrassing question before stopping herself. “I don’t know if you know this, but Steve was actually engaged before me,” she said. “In fact, his fiancee got sent home around the same time as the guy I’d been seeing. She had an adopted daughter that I was close with and Steve ended up adopting her. That’s how we became friendly in the first place.” It was hard to think about Molly too. And Summer .And Kara and Bucky. She’d really lost a lot. It was no wonder she spiraled hard.

***

“I didn’t say it was my fault.” He smiled helplessly as he shrugged. “I know it can’t be helped, but I can be sympathetic.” He’d lost Peg. Found her. Then lost her again. And it never stopped hurting. “I know how it feels to lose people. And I know how it feels to get them back and they don’t remember you.” Bucky. Finding him alive, but didn’t recognize Steve. The Winter Soldier. That had been quite the blow.

***

That was true, Veronica was well aware of his history and despite him being fairly new to town, she realized that he would understand better than most what it was like. “Point taken,” she said with a wry smile. “But still. I don’t want you to feel guilty.” She was also well aware of the sheer amount of guilt he already carried on his impressive shoulders and did not want to add to it.

“Is there anything particular you want to know?” she asked. “You can ask me anything.”

***

He gave a huff of amusement. “If you know me like you say you do then you know that will never happen.” He’d feel guilty. That was just how he was. He took everything on himself. For all he knew he’d done something that started this whole thing in Madison Valley.

“I don’t know,” he said as he looked down into his coffee. “I spent a lot of time trying not to dwell in the past I have. Should I really try looking at one I didn’t?”

***

Veronica nodded. That was a good point. “That’s okay too,” she said. “I don’t have to tell you anything other than what you already know.” Which, she wasn’t entirely sure what he knew, but figured that it didn’t matter.

“What have you been doing since you got here?” she asked.

***

“Tell you what. If or when I have questions I’ll ask you first.” He owed her that much, and it should come from her not someone who hadn’t been directly involved. It would probably be good for both of them to talk more. Exposure could dull the pain. That was the theory anyway.

“I’m working at the casino as Security.” Being around familiar faces had really helped in the beginning. “Babysitting for people and basically keeping to myself.”

***

Security was a good fit for him, though Veronica had to admit that it was hard to picture Steve in a casino in any capacity. “You should get out more,” she said. “There’s plenty of people who arrived here in the past six months that have never met you.”

She hoped that might make him feel a little better about venturing out.

***

He couldn’t help but give a quiet chuckle. His smile was a bit self-deprecating. “Don’t you start.” He rolled his eyes a little. “It was bad enough that my friends conned me into going to speed dating. I met people.” Women. “It was nice, but it certainly wasn’t my thing.”

He let out with a long suffering sigh. “But I went to the movies they had. Had dinner at a friend’s. A new friend. And I went to the fair. Won everyone’s kid a stuffed animal.” Steve chuckled. Sure he had cheated, used his strength to win, but he was definitely not repentant. Those games were rigged anyway.

***

“Let me guess… Darcy and Natasha?” Veronica asked with amusement. She hadn’t ever been close to either and hadn’t even met this new version of Natasha, but she was pretty sure they were the only people who could con Steve into anything.

It was good he had people like that in his life. She knew that it would be very easy for him to keep to himself and wallow in self pity.

***

“Darcy and Natasha.” Steve nodded. The look on his face said Exasperated, but anyone who knew him would know that he would do pretty much anything they asked him to. He wouldn’t make it easy for them, but ultimately he’d cave. “They mean well. Or so I keep telling myself.”

He took a drink of his coffee then asked the hard question. “Are you really ok?”

***

Veronica’s smile faltered. It had been easy to fall into the banter, to just enjoy having a conversation with Steve. After all, they’d been friendly long before they started dating and hadn’t even been dating all that long when the dome sped their relationship along.

“I am,” she said after a moment. “I wasn’t for a while, but I am now.” Mostly thanks to Leo, though she wasn’t going to mention that. “I, uh... “ she paused, unsure if she should mention what happened at home too. “It wasn’t just Steve I lost.”

***

It was a little weird to be referred to and know it wasn’t actually about him. Steve hadn’t thought his life could get any more surreal, and yet. Here they were. Any amusement or pleasant thought went straight from his face and mind, however, as he nodded.

“I know.” But it would become apparent that he didn’t know what she was talking about. “The child. I’m sorry.” He hadn’t even known he was capable of fathering a child, but that wasn’t the point.

***

Of course that was what he assumed she was talking about. Veronica shook her head. “That’s… I mean, yeah, but… that wasn’t what I was talking about,” she said.

She sighed and finished her drink, wishing it was something a little stronger. “I got sent home too,” she explained. “There was a thing… with the Bifrost, apparently… and a lot of people were impacted, including me. It just happened that I came back after a week or so passed here. But back home, I lived through… four years, I think? It’s… kind of a blur.”

Needing to keep her hands busy, Veronica ripped a tiny bit of styrofoam off of her now empty cup, rubbing it between her fingers. “I got married at home. And… he died.”

***

Shit. Veronica couldn’t seem to catch a break. Steve sighed as he watched her hands then reached out to put a hand over hers to stop the destruction. “I can’t imagine what you’re going through or even how you’re holding it together. ‘I’m sorry’ doesn’t seem like enough. And I know having me here doesn’t make it any easier.”

He wanted to offer his help, but there wasn’t anything he could do since he was part of the problem. “Tell me how I can help? Stay away? Avoid contact?”

***

“I wasn’t holding it together,” Veronica said. “When I first got back, I was a mess. And, I’ll admit, when you arrived, I went a little off the deep end.” She didn’t want him to feel guilty about that, since it wasn’t his fault, but she knew that he would no matter what she said. That’s just who he was as a person.

She ripped another piece off of her cup and started tearing it into smaller and smaller pieces. “I’m doing better now,” she said. “I’ve always been resilient. I just needed some time. But honestly, there’s nothing you can do. There’s nothing anyone can do really.” Though Leo helped a lot and she still wasn’t ready to think about that.

“You don’t need to go out of your way to avoid me or anything,” she said. “I’m not going to fall apart if we cross paths occasionally.”

***

She was determined to destroy the cup so Steve took his hand back. His smile was something between relieved and proud to hear the blunt truth. Through this small amount of time he could see why he had been with her. Not only was she beautiful, but she was strong. A lot like Peggy. Strangely, he kind of felt a bit of loss now.

“Alright,” he said. “But if you need anything…”

***

Veronica nodded and looked up from the mess she was making to offer him a weak smile. “I know,” she said. “And same. I mean, I have been here forever, so if you have questions about anything, let me know.”

***

Steve nodded. He’d take her at her word, but for now he felt she’d reached the limit of her Steve Rogers exposure.

“I’m gonna get going,” he said as he stood up from the table. “Thanks for talking with me.” He felt the need to talk to someone now. After a shower.

***

“Enjoy the rest of your day,” Veronica said. She waited until he left before heading back up to the counter to order the drink and snacks she’d planned on getting when she first entered the shop.

Hopefully Leo would be free later.