Julian Blackthorn (nottoleavethee) wrote in madisonvalley, @ 2020-01-10 23:09:00 |
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Entry tags: | !completed gdoc, !log, ~2020 january, ~25 points, ~~emma carstairs (alsoflexible), ~~julian blackthorn (nottoleavethee) |
WHO: Emma Carstairs and Julian Blackthorn
WHERE: Their place
WHEN: Jan 3
WHAT: Conversation in the kitchen
STATUS: Complete
Emma peered down at the bubbling spaghetti sauce and gave it another stir. She’d been standing over it for two hours now, and it was finally thickening to the consistency she wanted. In the past, she would have never had enough patience to stand over a pot for hours, methodically stirring as she went. She would’ve been too fidgety, and within ten minutes she would’ve been bored and off to do other things. Now, with her newer, calmer focus, she had no trouble doing things that took more patience. She didn’t understand why this was a source of worry to Julian and everyone else. They kept saying this wasn’t her, but it was. Emma had just shed all the noise that had been keeping her distracted, and now she was finally seeing things with clarity. If they couldn’t see that she was better off this way, that was their problem, not hers. That didn’t mean she didn’t care, though. So when Julian passed through the kitchen, she stopped him. “Try this,” she said, lifting a small spoonful of sauce for him. “Tell me what you think.” *** Julian didn’t just think there was something wrong with her. He knew there was. He knew Emma heart and soul, and that special part of her that he’d always loved so deeply was...gone. Ever since the spell that Chris had done to try to help them, Emma had just been absent. Sure, this looked like Emma. Sounded like her. But everything in the bond between them was screaming at Julian that something was very, very wrong. And it tearing him apart from the inside out. He almost couldn’t bear it. He was actually surprised when she stopped him. She didn’t seem to care much about him anymore, and whenever she paid him the least bit of attention without him initiating it, he found himself shocked. So he stepped forward, and tasted the sauce that she’d been making. He paused a moment as he let it run over his tongue and figure out the spices. Like her, there was something missing. “Needs more garlic.” *** Past-Emma, the one who loved him with her whole heart and soul, would have been captivated by his nearness, and the play of his tongue. She would’ve remembered how his lips had felt against hers, and it would’ve been difficult to stop herself from leaning up to lick the bit of sauce off the corner of his mouth. This Emma, however, merely nodded. “It did seem a little bland.” She turned away to reach for the crushed garlic and sprinkled a bit more into the sauce. “It’s almost ready, if you want it for lunch.” *** Maybe the nearness wasn’t bothering her, but Julian hadn’t had his heart ripped out, and it was definitely bothering him. He held his need for her in, though, and frowned at the garlic she used. “No,” he said, and went to the fridge to grab some fresh cloves of it that he’d bought. “Cut it yourself. It gives it a much richer, fuller flavor.” Of course, what would she know about that? She wasn’t rich and full anymore herself. She probably didn’t even notice the empty flavor of already prepared garlic. *** Emma stepped back to let him access the cutting board. When Julian had a plan, he was the best person to execute it. “I should have brought you in as a taster sooner.” *** “Well, I am the cook among us,” he said, giving a sad smile as he grabbed a sharp knife from the block and began chopping the garlic expertly. He definitely knew what he was doing; he’d done it dozens of times before. And it gave him an excuse not to look at her. “Why did you decide to make dinner?” It wasn’t a very Emma sort of thing to do. *** It definitely wasn’t. Emma wasn’t the cooking sort at all, unless it involved a microwave. She shrugged as she watched him work. “I was finished my homework-” Also very unlike Emma “-and figured I’d help out for dinner. I haven’t been very good about that.” *** “Yeah,” he said. “Well, I mean, I usually do that. I don’t think anyone expects you to cook.” Emma was a fighter, and damn good at it. That was who she was and what she did. He didn’t understand why she felt that she needed to do cooking too. He added a little more basil, a bit more oregano, and then tasted it again, before getting a little on a spoon and offering her a taste. “What do you think now?” *** Now it was Emma’s turn to taste. Her lips wrapped around the spoon and she twirled the sauce off to taste without any self-consciousness. “Better,” she agreed, nodding her approval. “I think it has another 30 minutes on it, and then it’ll be ready.” *** Julian nodded, trying and failing to keep his eyes off of her lips, her eyes...all of her, really. It was painful just to be this close to her, but he did everything he could not to react. “Yeah. Thirty minutes seems about right. Let the flavors blend” He looked at her with such pain and need in his eyes, despite himself. “Are you…” he stopped. “Are you doing okay?” *** “Never better,” Emma replied as she put the lid back onto the sauce and set down the spoon on the dish she’d brought out for this purpose. It was the whole truth: she did feel the best she ever had been: clear; focused; unfettered by distractions. But she knew that Julian was still worried about her, and she cared enough about him that it was a concern to her. “How about you? How are you doing?” *** “I’m fine,” he said with a shrug. He was the same person he always was. He hadn’t changed at all. He still loved her with all of his heart, and her...difference was tearing him apart. But it didn’t help to talk to her about it. She didn’t understand, and she clearly thought there was nothing wrong with her, despite everyone she knew thinking otherwise. “Busy with school and all, but I’m doing fine.” *** “How’s Usagi’s math coming along?” There was no wariness or hint of jealousy in Emma’s voice, just casual curiosity. “Are you still tutoring her?” *** “She’s doing a lot better,” Julian said, with a hint of pride in his voice. He didn’t feel anything for her other than friendship, but he was happy that he’d been successful in making her life better. Or at least, he would consider that making her life better. “I’m still tutoring her on and off, but not as much as I used to. She doesn’t need me to.” *** “That’s great.” Emma smiled at him, but it held none of the love or softness of the smiles she used to give him. She turned back to the spaghetti sauce to give it a quick stir. It would be a shame to have it stick to the pot this close to finish. “She always seemed like she just needed someone to explain things to her in a way that makes sense to her.” *** Julian’s heart clenched at that smile, but he tried desperately to ignore it, and not let it get to him. He failed at that, but he swallowed the wave of emotions and tried to continue on with the conversation anyway. “Yeah, I mean, she’s a smart girl. She just needed it explained in a way she understands and the teacher really wasn’t in the mood to help with that.” Julian didn’t like that - it was a teacher’s job to make sure everyone understood. *** “Yeah, Mrs. Carringer always looks like she wishes she was someone else,” Emma said ruefully. “I really don’t think she wants to be a teacher at all.” It had frustrated her before, but Emma had learned to accept it, like she was accepting other things now. It was much less emotionally taxing that way. *** “Then she shouldn’t be,” he said with a shrug. He never understood why people went into teaching if they didn’t want to...you know, teach kids. It did upset him, because he still had a soul, even if it felt to him like Emma didn’t. “So...how have you been doing? Having fun with your friends?” She certainly hadn’t been spending much time with him, anyway. *** Emma’s forehead furrowed in thought. Friends? She didn’t really have a lot, other than Julian, Clary and the cheerleaders. Violet and Jace had left. But she wasn’t as bothered by that as she thought she would’ve been. “I’ve been busy with school and practice,” she explained. “So I haven’t really had a chance to hang out with anyone.” *** Julian felt that feeling inside of him again. That emptiness, that surety that something was desperately wrong with Emma. He hated it, especially since she refused to acknowledge it at all. “I’m sorry Jace left,” he said carefully, trying to get any sort of emotional response out of her at all. “I know you two were close.” *** “I think he’d be happier at home,” Emma said with a shrug. There was no emotional response. “I think he was always uneasy here. He’s only ever been a Shadowhunter, and he didn’t know how to function in Mundane society. Now he’s back where he could be himself again.” Emma had gone through the same struggles, initially, but now she could accept the situation as it were. Having school and the structure it brought helped; it was probably why she acclimatized better than Jace had. *** “You don’t miss him?” Julian stared at her for a moment, wondering if that fact alone would be enough to convince her something was wrong. He doubted it would, but he could try, anyway. Anything to help her see that she’d changed. That everything wasn’t all okay. “Emma…” He paused, and stopped. He hoped she’d see it for herself, but he knew he couldn’t make her see it. *** “I miss him,” Emma allowed. But there was a clinical detachment in her tone, one that suggested that while she missed him in theory, she didn’t feel the loss. And she didn’t. She wasn’t bothered by it at all. She caught the look on his face though, and recognized it as his Concerned Face. Julian was worried about her again, and she really didn’t know why. “Julian, I’m fine. Even Clary’s accepted Jace’s disappearance, and she probably misses him most out of everybody.” *** How could he get her to see that something was wrong?? Because if she didn’t see, there was no way she would ever get help. If she thought she was fine...well, she was stubborn as hell and that didn’t seem to have been affected by this. “Emma,” he said softly. “I want you to think about your parents. And when you found out that they’d been murdered. And I want you to tell me how that makes you feel.” *** Emma frowned. That was a strange subject to bring out of nowhere. “Jace isn’t dead,” she pointed out. “He’s just gone back home. It’s a totally different situation here. Hang on.” She turned around to stir the sauce again. *** Julian just stared at her. How could she not see… He took a few steps closer to her. “Don’t you see, Emma? You’re not yourself.” He was pretty sure she was going to get mad at him for bringing that up again, but he didn’t care. He needed her to get better. He needed her. And this wasn’t her. *** Emma didn’t turn around at his approach until she’d stirred the sauce to her satisfaction. Only then did she set down the spoon and turn around to face him. “Julian,” she said patiently. “I don’t know what you want me to tell you. I feel fine. I’m sorry if I’m not reacting the way you want me to, but what do you want me to do?” *** “I want you to feel. Something. Anything. Your parents. Jace.” He didn’t even mention himself because he didn’t want to hear from her lips how little she cared about him right now. “We’re parabatai, Emma. I know you. And I know you’re not right. Please. Let me take you to see someone.” *** “All right, fine.” Emma shook her head, weary of his insistence that something was wrong with her. If she were less patient, she probably would’ve been annoyed, or angry, or some other emotion. She doubted that was the kind of feeling he was talking about though. “But if we go and they say there’s nothing wrong with me, then you have to drop it, okay?” *** Julian wasn’t worried about that. Everyone he’d talked to about her had agreed that she was...while not sick, not right. “Agreed. But I get to pick who we go to.” *** Emma nodded, already turning back to the sauce. She took a quick taste. “Okay. I think it’s done.” |