Bring me the nastiest colours known to humanity (blpaintchart) wrote in lupin_snape, @ 2007-12-30 12:08:00 |
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Title: Lily Evans: Snupin fangirl, just like us.
Author: blpaintchart
Rating: PG-15
Word count: Some. (Or 1294, if you like more precision.)
“What the bloody hell is he doing here?”
“I thought it would be nice for Remus to join our study session, Sev.”
“I hope you don’t mind too much, Severus. I could do with some help with my potions.”
“And what do you have to offer in return?”
“Well, that’s quite a leading question, isn’t it?”
“Boys! Let’s try to get on nicely, shall we?”
“Oh, don’t worry, Lily, I intend to treat Severus to some excellent Gryffindor hospitality.”
“What the sodding hell do you mean by that, Lupin?”
“He doesn’t mean anything, Sev. We’re here to do a little bit of work, and then reward ourselves with a little bit of fun!”
“Fun?”
“Yes, Severus. Fun. It means something you do that puts a smile on your face. Surely you’ve heard of it?”
“Ha bloody ha. I expect you intend to have this fun at my expense?”
“Certainly not, Sev!”
“Where are your other moronic little lions then? Hiding behind the bookshelves with another oh-so-hilarious hex for me?”
“I knew this wouldn’t work, Lily. I’m off to the common room.”
“Remus, wait! Sev didn’t mean it!”
“Didn’t I?”
“Oh you two are so bloody stubborn. This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen at all!”
“What do you mean?”
“Yes, Lily. How what was supposed to happen?”
“Erm... nothing. I mean... oh dear.”
“I thought we were here to study potions with Severus.”
“And I was under the impression that you and I were going to try and fathom Ancient Runes.”
“Well, I did plan for us to do some schoolwork originally, but then I got all caught up in the joy of the season.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“You know! The spirit of Christmas; I wanted to find the perfect gift for my two best friends.”
“That’s very thoughtful of you.”
“Isn’t it? Anyway, I think I’ve got exactly what you both want this year, right here.”
“Ooh! I haven’t had the chance to get you anything yet, Lily.”
“I had no idea we were expected to buy presents for each other.”
“We weren’t. I mean, I haven’t.”
“Pardon?”
“I haven’t bought anything for you two.”
“But you just said...”
“Oh, no, there was no money involved. This is simply about the happiness of sharing, the satisfaction of giving...”
“You’re starting to blather. I knew no good would come of you being sorted into that house of fools.”
“... the fulfilment of receiving, I think you know what I mean!”
“No.”
“ Lily, are you sure you’re feeling alright?”
“Of course. You know, Remus... man’s love for his fellow man!”
“Her mind has become addled. I hold you and your cronies responsible, Lupin.”
“You know, a time to come together? Think, Sev! I’m sure you understand!”
“This is as impenetrable as sodding Ancient Runes.”
“Ooh, you nearly got it right! Try penetrable instead, eh?”
“Lily, did Sirius get you with his ‘Talking Toss’ hex?”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, boys! How dense are you? I’ve brought the two of you together to be Christmas presents for each other.”
“What?”
“I’m not a bloody box of chocolates!”
“No you’re not, Sev. But you are a bum bandit, and seeing as wolfboy here is also a dick- jockey, I thought you might like the chance for some serious uphill-gardening or pork sword-swallowing before the Christmas holidays.”
“I can’t believe you just said that.”
“Why not? You do know I’m not disgusted by the fact that my two best friends are shirt-lifting, pillow-biting, mincing, screaming marys, don’t you?”
“Well, that has ushered in a whole new era of tolerance and understanding. Thank you, Miss Evans.”
“You’re welcome. There’s just one thing.”
“And that is?”
“Can I watch?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“I’m just curious, really. I want to know what you actually do together. You know, which one makes the back-door delivery, and which one takes it up the shitter. Who has the biggest cock, if you’ve got any special sucking-off technique to share, that kind of thing.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“You’re begging again. You beg too easily, Lupin.”
“You wish.”
“Go on boys, let me stay and watch. Think of it as my Christmas present.”
“How would that be a present for you, Lily?”
“Oh, Remus, I’m gagging for some boy-on-boy action! Show me some fudge-packing, please? Hey, I bet your beautiful mouth can play a hell of a tune on the pink oboe.”
“You know Lily, for a witch who can see the beauty within everyone, even if they can’t see it themselves, you do have the mouth of a homophobic gutter whore.”
“Thanks Remus!”
“It wasn’t a compliment. You ought to consider your reputation.”
“Nonsense. I’ll just get the PR people to fix my image later.”
“You have PR people?”
“Of course we do. Gryffindor, remember? So, are you boys going to play a game of hide the sausage?”
“What makes you think that I would consider doing anything with a wolf?”
“Well, Sev, let me think. I dunno, perhaps the fact that you spend the whole of Muggle Studies staring at him, and then have to wait for ten minutes before leaving class to allow yourself time for your stiffy to go down might be a slight indication.”
“Does he really? Wow!”
“Yes, he does really. Still, at least he doesn’t have a notebook filled with sketches of black-haired boys with fucking huge dicks!”
“Do you indeed, Lupin? How interesting.”
“Come on, lads. Get your kit off, and get shagging.”
“No!”
“Please?”
“Certainly not.”
“How about if I only stay for the start?”
“Well...”
“And then I’ll leave and promise to cast my best secrecy charm over you so you can carry on thrusting and pumping and gobbling as loud as you like.”
“What do you think, Severus? Her secrecy charms are second to none.”
“Indeed.”
“And it’s a better use of our time than Potions school work.”
“Much more stimulating than sodding Runes.”
“Our work here could be quite penetrating.”
“Very well.”
“Squee! Right, who’s going to pop their nadger out first?”
“Well, erm...”
“Shall we play paper, stone, scissors for it?”
“Lily, since when did you have a personality transplant with a six-year-old boy?”
“Let’s just play along, Severus. The sooner we get started...”
“Ah! Indeed.”
“Haha! It’s me! Well, I don’t have a trouser snake, so I suppose I’ll just have to get out my...”
“NO!”
“There’s no need, Lily. Honestly.”
“Tsk! You poofs are so squeamish when it comes to...”
“Yes. Yes, we are, thank you.”
“It’s part of our delicate appeal.”
“Ooh! I like the sound of that. Do you mind if I use it?”
“Certainly not. You can also use ‘fey mystique’ if you like.”
“You are generous with your phrases, Severus.”
“And you, Lupin will soon be generous with your anatomy, I trust.”
“Remus has lost! Tackle out now please.”
“My, that is rather a lot to be generous with, wouldn’t you say, Lily?”
“...”
“Thank you Severus. Your turn, I believe.”
“Very well. How unlike Miss Evans to be so quiet.”
“Ooh! Well, I don’t know how I did it, but my notebook sketches were pretty bloody accurate. That’s an impressive piece you have there. May I?”
“Be my guest. I trust you’re enjoying the view, Lily?”
“Lily?”
“She appears to have passed out. And she was supposed to be looking forward to this part. How very queer.”
“Not really.”
“I’m not sure I understand.”
“Think about it, Severus. Who’s she going out with?”
“That stupid twat, Potter.”
“Exactly. The poor girl has never been exposed to such magnificent equipment before.”
“Ha! Lupin, I’ve got to hand it to you. You certainly know how to make the best Christmas present even better!”
“Oh, yes, hand it to me. Hand it to me harder!”