A Very Ood Day
Title: A Very Ood Day Author: snapealina Pairing: Severus/Remus Rating: G Word count: about 1400 Warning: Doctor Who-obsessed author and general silliness, so don’t even blink Disclaimer: I don't own anything you can recognise in this story! Thanks to azure_rosa for the beta.
A Very Ood Day
"You're finally home," Remus grinned as the black-haired and very tired-looking wizard came through the front door.
"Finally," sighed Severus. "It's been a long day."
"Poor thing," said Remus. "Were the Slitheens misbehaving again?"
"Slitheens?"
"I meant the Slytherins," Remus corrected himself and quickly changed the topic. "Are you hungry?" He rose from the sofa and went to kiss his lover.
"Starving," said Severus and hung his cloak on the hanger by the door. He turned towards Remus who was about to lean in for a kiss when he saw it.
"Lupin, what the hell are you wearing?"
"It's a bow tie," Remus grinned proudly and straightened the thing around his neck. "Bow ties are cool!"
"Says who?" asked Severus in disbelief.
"Everyone says that," said Remus disappointed and walked into the kitchen.
"Everyone?" Severus snorted. "I've never heard anyone say that."
"That's Ood" said Remus.
“Ood?”
“Fine, odd. Anyway, you haven't been paying attention then." Remus started to take several pots and pans out of the cupboards.
Severus shrugged and sat down by the kitchen table. He took out the Daily Prophet and started reading.
Strange noises came from behind him. It sounded like some sort of sound waves. He turned around.
"What is that noise?"
"Nothing," said Remus at once, and the sound ceased.
Severus merely shook his head and went back to his paper. The sound started again, but every time Severus turned to check the source of the weird sound, it paused.
After a while, Severus was done with his paper and turned once again to Remus and the odd noise. Tea was still not finished.
"What is taking you so long?"
"Patience, Severus," Remus said, bent over one of the casseroles.
"Are you cooking the Muggle way today?" he asked.
"Not really," Remus answered. "But you're a Potions Master, Severus. You know that these things take time if you want it done properly."
"I'm not expecting a gourmet meal, I'm too hungry for that. Do you need help?"
"No, I'm fine," said Remus at once.
"Don't be stupid," said Severus. "I'm done with the paper anyway, let me help you. As you said, I am a Potions Master." He stood up from his chair and went to help Remus. "So what are we cooking?"
"Custard and fish fingers."
"Excuse me?" Severus didn't believe his own ears. "Did you just say what I think you said?"
Severus looked at the stove and blinked to make sure. "I guess you did."
Remus quickly hid something behind his back "No, really, Severus, I'm fine. Just go into the sitting room and take a nap or something."
"What are you hiding?"
"Nothing?"
"Remus!" Severus demanded and Remus turned slowly around.
"What is that in your hand?" Severus pointed at something that looked like a thick pen with a green tip. "And where's your wand?"
Remus held up the thing and Severus took it.
"What is that?" Severus studied it carefully.
"It's a sonic screwdriver," said Remus. "I had it custom made. My wand is inside it, but it's not working properly."
"Of course it's not. It's covered in plastic."
Remus grabbed the screwdriver. "It will work," he said determinedly. "It just has to get used to its surroundings."
"Why in the world would you ruin your wand by putting it into a – what did you call it again?"
"A sonic screwdriver."
"Sonic screwdriver?"
"Correct."
Severus sighed. "Why?"
"Because I've always wanted one," said Remus like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"A screwdriver?"
"A sonic screwdriver." Remus corrected.
"Why would you want that?"
"Because it's awesome and it can do anything." Remus grinned.
"You already had a thing that could do anything. It's called a wand.
"But this is so much cooler. My wand was just a stick."
"And this is a stick with a green tip." Severus said and pointed at the screwdriver.
"Oh, it's so much more than that."
"Really?"
"Really!"
"It's a noisy wand with a plastic cover that's not even working properly. How in Merlin's pants can it be so much more?" Severus teased. "Because you got the idea from that stupid tv-show?"
Remus' face fell and he put his screwdriver-wand down and began going through the kitchen drawers for utilities.
"Don't be stupid, Remus," Severus said. "I was only joking."
He looked at the pans, waved his wand a couple of times. "There we go," he said. "Tea is done."
Another wave, and the table was set.
They sat down to eat, but Remus was still moping. He was in no mood for chit-chat around the table and ignored Severus' facial expressions as they ate the fish fingers. He simply picked up his screwdriver and looked at it.
"You will work properly," he muttered to himself. "We just have to get used to one another."
They finished the rest of the meal in silence.
After dinner they went into the sitting room and Severus picked up a book. Remus kept looking at this screwdriver, studying its every detail, waving it, pointing it at random objects, trying to make it behave like a proper wand.
Severus tried to ignore him, but it wasn't easy when Remus had decided to go for a wand with sound effects. And the fact that he was muttering to himself the whole time didn't exactly help. Severus could only pick up random words of what he was saying, and he didn't understand half of them.
Suddenly the coat rack turned into a hideous robot-looking brown thing with something that looked like a toilet plunger and several light bulbs.
"Lupin, what the hell did you do to the coat rack?"
"It's a Dalek," said Remus proudly. "See, I told you I would make it work." He looked at his screwdriver and smiled.
"A what?"
"A Dalek,"
"What is a Dalek?"
"You're looking at one," smiled Remus. "It's not a real one, of course. I'm not an idiot."
"Do you want to bet?" mumbled Severus.
"Don't be silly, Severus," said Remus. "A Dalek would exterminate us, we wouldn't want that."
"Silly me," Severus muttered and rolled his eyes. "Now turn it back!" he demanded and turned his attention to his book again.
Remus pointed his plastic-covered wand at the Dalek by the door, but it didn't seem to work. The odd robot was still there after several attempts.
Finally, Severus pointed his wand and the coat rack reappeared.
"Thanks," Remus said. "I'm getting the hang of it, but I guess I'm not quite there yet."
Remus continued waving, pointing, flicking and muttering and the wand kept making that annoying noise, driving Severus mad.
"Lupin, seriously! What are you muttering about?"
"Oh, it's just wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff," smiled Remus.
"Wibbly what?"
"Wibbly wobbly, timey wimey," said Remus again.
Severus sighed loudly. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"It's just an expression."
"Since when?"
"The Doctor says it all the time."
"That's it!" Severus slammed his book on the coffee table and got up from the sofa. "I knew there was something familiar with some of those words. I've had it with you and this Doctor. Bow ties -"
"But bow ties are cool!" Remus insisted.
"Shut up, Lupin!" Severus snarled. "Bow ties, screwdrivers, Daleks, wibbly wobbly? If I hear one more reference to that stupid show, I will –"
"EXTERMINATE ME?"
"Lupin!"
"I'm sorry, Severus," Remus chuckled. "I can't help it!"
"Fine, you can sit here and be a robot or –"
"A Time Lord," Remus interrupted.
"Whatever!" Severus hissed. "I'm going to bed. One more beep out of you and you'd wish you were exterminated."
"Affirmative!" Remus chuckled, earning him a look that could have deleted even the toughest Cyberman. Suddenly, Remus remembered something.
"No, Severus, wait!" he called after him. "Don't go upstairs just yet!"
Severus ignored him and walked upstairs to their bedroom. Remus stormed after him, waving his screwdriver frantically. He knew it was no good when he heard Severus' raging cry.
"AAARGH! Lupin, why the hell is there a Police box here and where is our bloody bedroom?"
Remus reached his partner seconds later. "I'm sorry, I didn't have time to change it back," he apologised, "the bedroom is in there."
"In this ridiculous blue box? What the hell are you talking about, Lupin?"