Summary: Death was different from what Snape had expected. In particular, Death hadn’t expected Snape and sends him back to earth. If only he hadn’t told Potter about his memories! But a certain werewolf is always prepared to help those in need.
Genre: Humour
A/N: Thanks again to azure_rosa for the beta! And thanks to all of you for your lovely comments :)
“Don’t make a fuss, just get in.” Without further ado, Remus shoved the befuddled potions master into the shiny silver lift, the doors of which just had opened in front of them. The thing had appeared out of thin air, simply growing out of the floor. Doubtless the gatekeeper had done that on purpose, just to see his reaction. There had to be a no-frills way down to earth, but that would probably have been too easy. Severus glared at the man one last time before the lift doors closed right in front of his nose. Even then Remus had to pull him back a little to make sure they actually closed in front of his nose, and down they went.
Tall and tan and young and lovely The girl from Ipanema goes walking And when she passes, each one she passes goes – aaaah
Lupin whistled along happily. Snape accompanied the lift music by rhythmically banging his head against the panelled interior.
“Would you please be so kind as to stop that,” the werewolf asked after a few minutes, interrupting the third repetition of the song.
“Come on, please stop,” he repeated patiently after the seventh girl from Ipanema.
“That noise… is getting a bit unpleasant,” he grumbled after admiring the song’s harmonies for the 20th time.
“DAMMIT Severus, you’re getting on my nerves – STOP IT!”
“Vengeance is sweet,” Snape answered between two bangs. Nevertheless, he had to admit that his inclination to damage his head decreased rapidly; he had at least accomplished what he had wanted: to draw Remus out of his shell. He had tried for 20 years now, and the werewolf had always stayed calm. It had annoyed him without end. Now he had finally been victorious, and that made him happy. Well, happy in a dark, evil, potions-masterly way. He sat down on the fluffy red carpet with a bizarrely satisfied expression.
“That song makes me sick,” he smiled. Lupin stared at him as if he had lost his mind. Maybe he had. He swayed a little to the beat.
“I’m sure we’ll be there soon.” Remus tried to calm him down and sat down at the opposite wall. Oh, joy.
“And then? I hardly dare imagine what will happen. I gave Potter some false memories which prove that I’m innocent, yet at the same time will sickeningly pull his heart strings, in order to make him feel horrible and declare me a hero… if he wants to talk to me about it, I may have to vomit. Bah!” He pulled a face while Remus eyed him with interest.
“False memories? Give me the soppy details!” he asked and failed miserably in hiding his amusement.
“He’ll spread the word anyway, so I can as well tell you,” he sighed. “I made him believe I was in love with his mother.”
“With Lily?” Lupin chuckled and eventually burst out laughing. “If he believes that, he’s actually dumber than expected.” Severus stared at him blankly.
“Why’s that so absurd?”
“Just due to the fact that you wouldn’t touch a woman for money,” Lupin answered with a smile. Snape blushed instantly. Was he really so easy to figure out? This was getting worse by the minute. He wasn’t able to die properly, down there a guilt-ridden teenager was waiting for his absolution and a scruffy werewolf saw through his sexuality. He could only…
*bing*
The world went black.
A few minutes later, Snape found himself lying on the wooden floor of the Shrieking Shack, investing all his remaining energy into one single activity; he was determined to bleed to death. It couldn’t be so hard, could it? Other people did it involuntarily, so why was it so difficult for him? He concentrated on making his blood flow into freedom, but it obviously didn’t want to. Fabulous, he didn’t even have authority over his own bodily fluids anymore. Considering how much he would have loved to see the face of the winged pudding if he came back so soon, this was really disadvantageous.
It wasn’t long before the door was ripped open violently - his headache really approved of that - and someone rushed into the room. Snape played possum. He was certain that he could at least make mortals believe in his demise.
“Merlin, Severus! You’re bleeding to death!” Or maybe he couldn’t. Within seconds the genius werewolf was kneeling next to him and Lupin actually had the audacity to dare to touch him!!
“I should hope so! Get your filthy fingers off me, lousy throw-rug!” Snape bellowed and tried to crawl away from Lupin without endangering his convincing display of a soon-to-be-dead potions master too much. Unfortunately, he felt far better than he should have considering the amount of blood loss. He actually felt on top of the world, though, unluckily, only figuratively. That was all wrong! He should have been dying! Obviously, fate was against him once more. He sighed, opened his eyes and raised himself into a sitting position; oddly this merely caused the werewolf to smile with relief.