Warnings: Unbeta’d. Bad grammar and punctuation ahead. beware.
He could think of only one word for Minerva, and it wasn’t nice. Damn woman should have been a Slytherin. If Severus didn’t attend tonight’s the Ministry staff party, he would have to supervise an entire year of detentions, and have homesickness duty for the first years. He’d also been instructed to speak to no fewer then three people or the same consequences would apply. The woman thought he was still eleven sodding years old. Severus stared at the list in front of him. This was Minerva’s idea of helpful, ‘Expert Flirting Tips’.
Flirting, right. He sighed. In truth, he wouldn’t mind a quick tumble, or two. Who was he kidding, he’d already missed out on more shagging then he would ever be able to make up for in this lifetime. It would be acceptable to have someone available for sex once a month, once a week, once a day. Flirting, he would at least look at the list*.
10. Flirting is an attitude.
He had that covered; he had plenty of attitude. What does she mean be enthusiastic and positive? I will not be an overgrown puppy, that job is already taken. Next.
9. Start a conversation.
Say hello. Obviously. Ask for help, unlikely. Comment about the surroundings, does that include the dunderheads? State an opinion, I can do that.
8. Have fun
Severus snorted. Have fun at a Ministry party, not bloody likely. Be playful, lighthearted certainly, when Hagrid learns to fly. Show your vulnerability, I prefer life thank you.
7. Use Props
Never leave home without a prop. I wonder if that’s why Lupin wears those cardigans, to start a converstion? Interesting props: children, dogs, unusual jewelry, hats, ties, books or a newspaper. If I brought an interesting book I’d just read it. Unusual jewelry, that is a thought.
6. Be the Host
I am not a passive person waiting around for romance; I am the welcoming committee? I’m not waiting for romance; I’ll be dead by then. Sex will be enough. Welcoming committee? Well, a threesome is not out of the question.
5. Make the first move
Move closer to the person you want to meet. Where did they find this woman? Next.
4. Listen
Listening is an art. Don’t be stupid it’s a science. Your flirting partner would be drawn to you. Excellent, moth to a flame and I get burned.
3. Eye contact
I’ve never found Legilimens to be helpful in attracting a partner; most people are frightened out of their shoes.
2. Compliment
Compliment should be honest and sincere; two things I don’t do well. Compliment with an element of surprise, this woman never met a Wizard, apparently.
1. Smile
Sod this.
Severus straightened one sleeve. He looked presentable, his dress robes fit like a glove. He was brilliant, but a bit dismayed he hadn’t figured out a way to show off his belly bar in formal attire. The moonstone ring he wore was unusual; it should suffice.
The room was loud and crowded; Severus made his way to the bar. He smirked to himself, people still parted like the Red Sea to get out of his way. One dirty look from the bartender later, he received two fingers of Firewhiskey, the tumbler full was apparently out of the question. He ordered three more and downed two in quick succession.
“Hello, Severus.”
He turned to find Remus Lupin standing next to him, quite well dressed with the dim lighting shimmering off the highlights in his hair. Remus’ eyes glowed brightly, his face open and eager. Severus threw back his drink.
“That’s an interesting ring. Rainbow Moonstone, isn’t it?” Remus asked.
Severus was slightly taken aback; maybe this woman was on to something. “Yes, a gift from Lucius.”
“Ah, I hadn’t heard you were together.”
Severus sputtered indigently. “We’re not. Why would you think that?”
“Moonstone, the lover’s stone. A stone associated with fertility, I thought maybe you might be trying out that new breakthrough potion.”
Severus rolled his eyes. “Male pregnancy, even for Wizards, please.”
Remus straightened and looked Severus right in the eyes. “For those who prefer men, it is a breakthrough, a way to have our own families.”
Lupin was gay? What about Tonks? “Men? You prefer men?” Severus felt like sinking into the floor. The alcohol had gone to his brain.
“Erm, Severus. You probably don’t remember, but you were the first boy I kissed. It was close to the end of fifth year; we were near the lake.” Remus trailed off.
“I thought I was just and experiment.”
“In a way you were since you were the first. You, your eyes, and your brains always fascinated me. The kiss was truly brilliant, nothing like kissing girls. I never kissed a girl again.”
Severus was at a loss. What were those flirting suggestions?
“Severus would you like to take our conversation somewhere else? A pub? My flat?”
His flat, yes, his flat. The alcohol might be clouding his brain, but going with Remus to his flat probably meant sex, maybe even romance. Severus looked shyly into Remus eyes. “Yes.”
Remus took hold of his elbow.
“Wait. I can’t go yet.”
Remus looked at him quizzically. Severus grabbed Remus’ hand and dragged him toward Bill Weasley. “Nice earring, Weasley.” Bill looked stunned and murmured “Thanks.”
Then he pulled Remus on to the place Shacklebolt was standing “Nice hat, Shacklebolt.”
“Thank you.”
Remus continued to look perplexed as they left the ballroom. “I had consequences from Minerva if I didn’t speak to three people.”
“Ah.” Remus face cleared and the loopy grin returned. “My place then?”
They Apparated together.
The alcohol he’d consumed had been too much for Severus, he’d rarely imbibed during his tenure as a spy and hadn’t yet acquired a head for it. He did, however, wake gloriously nude next to Remus whose erection poked at his leg. The promise of sex was still there, and just maybe the promise of something else. He needed to send a note to the woman with the flirting list; there was something to be said for unusual jewelry. He shifted a bit and was rewarded with a low growl. The sex was going to take precedence over the note writing.