Standing Outside the Fire, part two
Title: Standing Outside the Fire Pairings: Snape/Lupin (explicit) and Harry/Hermione/Draco (implied only) Rating: NC-17 eventually. Brought to you by Dizilla who convinced me I could write porn, Thanks Diz! Author: azurerosa Summary: How does a Gryffindor court a Slytherin until he wants to be part of his life? chapter 1
Betas: canon_fire helped me with word choice and Brit picking and Ellie helped not only make this coherent, but also much more colorful in descriptions. Both deserve chocolate cake and the naked, sexy man of their choice! Original prompt: "In hindsight I should have realized he was courting me much earlier than I did. If I was that blind during the war I would have been killed instantly." Post-war, R&S have become friends and routinely visit each other whenever possible. One of them (you choose) decides to court the other. However, neither of our boys are much for the grand gestures or are good at just coming out and saying they are interested. Method is up to you. UST would be applauded, quote does not need to be used merely a jumping point and PLEASE no "I've loved you forever" BS. They can have had a crush on the other (mutual or one-sided), but I think they don't know each other enough to be in love before they are friends. AN: Yes Ladies and Gentlemen I took my own prompt. The bunny was eating my brain. Disclaimer: Neither the songs nor the characters are mine, but I think the boys have more fun with me than their creator so there. Sources and songs used will be listed at the end. Warning: wall-frottage, food smut thoughts, slash, Harry/Hermione/Draco (implied only), some mild D/S, mild bondage, mild exhibition, dirty talk, Alpha growling Remus, a mellowed but still snarky Severus, Remus trying to be sneaky, domestic scenes, Teddy, clichés abound, quasi-song fiction, songs in question are Country, playing fast and loose with The Deathly Hollows and it’s epilogue but frankly who in our community doesn’t? Also I’m new so con-crit is applauded! Notes: Thanks to _Lore, Ellie, canon_fire, Rosy, Dizilla and everyone else who gave me advice, listened to me whine about writer’s block, gave me encouragement and helped me break through said writer’s block several times.
Knocking on Remus’ door and pretending nothing was wrong was much harder than I expected. I had gotten so accustomed to not having to wear my mask with Remus and Theodore that it took most of my concentration to smooth out my features into a polite, bland expression.
At the sound of my knock the music cut off abruptly and was switched to a soothing classical piece I was unfamiliar with. I heard Remus approach the door at a greater speed than usual. The door opened on a nervous but positively glowing werewolf. My hormones did a little dance at his appearance and my stomach lurched. I wished I was the reason for that look, but I knew better. I hadn’t seen him so happy since the court ruled Theodore should be in his custody.
“Severus you are early! Come in I’m not quite done with dinner.”
Remus managed to gain custody of his cub with Potter’s help soon after the war. Andromeda had a good relationship with them both and watched over Theodore while Remus was at work in addition to the day before, of and after the full moon. As such I was nearly always rushed as soon as I entered Remus’ quarters by a midget with scruffy teal hair and laughing golden eyes. His traditional greeting consisted of running full tilt into my knees and hugging said knees while releasing a delighted shriek of “Sev’rus”!
Apparently frequent gifts of books and chocolate will cement you as a wonderful person with either of the Lupins. Whenever Remus and I would sit and talk while young Theodore was in residence sooner or later he would end up in my lap and usually would fall asleep there. Remus frequently expressed a desire for me to be there every evening. He swears Theodore is next to impossible to put to bed most nights.
As it was a weekday evening nine days prior to the full moon I expected any second to have Theodore fling himself at me from wherever he currently was playing. After a minute I had still not received my “flying Teddy hug” as Remus called it. So I sat and looked around for signs of the child. No toys scattered on the floor and no noise aside from Remus puttering about in his kitchen and the crackling of the fire. It was vaguely eerie.
“Is Theodore visiting his Grandmother?” I inquired.
“Yes, I wanted to have a quiet conversation with you,” replied Remus.
Drat, I had hoped I could direct most of my attention towards Theodore for the evening to hide both my reaction to the epiphany I was confronted with in Remus’ hallway and the news I was dreading. I was so busy trying to maintain my mask during dinner I couldn’t have said for certain what we ate or whether it was any good. I would have given anything for Theodore to be there to break the sudden tension that appeared out of nowhere between us. Remus tried half heartedly to start small talk several times but almost immediately we would descend back into an awkward silence so unlike our usual camaraderie. After what had to be the most uncomfortable meal I had ever shared with anyone Remus and I settled into our usual chairs before the fire with a glass of fire whiskey a piece. Again the uncanny silence descended on us. I took it upon myself to break it as my host seemed disinclined.
“For crying out loud Remus just spit it out!” I said, “If you hadn’t told me you and Theodore where both alive and well I would be starting to worry.”
“Sorry I’m merely trying to gather my thoughts,” said Remus. “I’m not sure how to do this; I don’t have much experience with these kinds of conversations you know.” There was another pause as if he had to work up the courage to continue. “I’m interested in having a romantic relationship. I’ve thought about it and I think I’m ready to try again.” Remus seemed to be holding his breath while awaiting my response to his news.
I managed to control my face and voice only by glancing at the fire briefly before returning my gaze to Remus with a false smile. “Well bully for you! Who did you have in mind?”
This relatively simple question seemed to catch Remus completely off guard. He paused and looked intently at me as if trying to solve a puzzle when he’d only seen half of the pieces briefly in the dark. Then in a halting voice he responded, “I- I guess I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just start dating again.”
I was confused by his method of telling me about his proposed change in love life. It was almost like he had a long speech worked out and I threw a wrench into things somehow. What father with a small child just decides out of the blue to date without having someone in mind? That didn’t seem like Remus, he always put much more thought into his decisions than most Gryffindors. What if he chose someone who was cruel to his son without his knowledge? Images of my own childhood filled my mind. No I would make sure I was available for Theodore at least just in case.
“You invited me over to tell me you want to start dating again? Do you want me to agree to watch Theodore for you or did you want my input on potential options?” Once again I seemed to have completely lost Remus. He looked ridiculously confused, like a puppy who thought someone had thrown their toy but had hidden it instead. He recovered momentarily.
“Yes as such, Andromeda has already called dibs on babysitting, but if you want to be my back up I would appreciate it.” He paused again and an expression I could not identify briefly flashed across his face and wonderfully expressive eyes. “Actually I wanted advice on how to approach someone I think might be interested. He has trust issues you see and though we are good friends I’m worried about scaring him off or losing our friendship.”
Those last two sentences confirmed my suspicions and caused a strong physical ache in my chest almost as if I was suddenly missing a chunk of my torso. I only just managed not to run my hand over my aching chest to make sure I was still whole. He might as well as named Potter as his chosen. They worked together and visited each other frequently. If nothing else Potter was a convenient option for Remus and at least safe for Theodore.
I had to turn away for a moment to compose myself. Remus wanted my advice on how to woo another. I could almost feel my heart breaking. I could hardly bear the thought, and yet I did want him to be happy even if it was not with me. If there is one thing I learned from the train wreck that was the end of my friendship with Lily it was holding on to someone who doesn’t want you only makes things worse. Unable to look at him as I advised him on how to win his chosen I stared at the fire instead.
“The best advice I can give you is to go slowly. If he is skittish the worst thing you can do is overwhelm him. Get him accustomed not only to your presence, but also to your touch in non-threatening ways,” I said, “You might try helping him while he works. Skittish people have frequently been abused in some way so be patient and careful.” There, now Remus has been properly warned without me directly breaking Potter’s confidence and his odds of succeeding and being happy are much improved. I gathered my courage to see if my message had been properly received and looked once again at the man who had somehow stolen my heart without me noticing, he must never know it.
Remus’ face took on such an overwhelming look of dawning understanding and sympathy at my advice I knew he would honor it properly. In a slightly choked voice he responded, “Oh Severus… I understand. I promise I will take it slow. Thank you, that was very enlightening.”
Feeling my composure could not hold out much longer as I was no longer accustomed to controlling my tone and expression I began to plot an excuse to escape. “Well,” I said in as casual tone as I could muster, “I should leave so you can collect your son and put him to bed.” Good I sound like I’m being gracious and not running away to lick my wounds in privacy.
Instead of the immediate acceptance of my statement I expected I got a pensive look followed by a slow understanding smile. “Of course, good night Severus.”
After leaving Remus’ quarters with much less poise than I would prefer I hurried out on to the grounds to gather my composure. As my luck had turned rather sour that evening I was not surprised to run across Potter working outside of his hut tending to some of his nocturnal charges. We no longer had an open feud, but the lack of said feud seemed to make conversation nigh on impossible. The mere thought of Potter with my Remus was enough to make me want to lash out and make him hurt as I did.
“Hi Professor.”
“Potter, I find it remarkable that I spent six years trying to force you to use my given title, yet failed, but now that it is no longer mine by right you choose to address me as such.” I replied in a sharp tone hoping to earn an excuse to badger him.
“I have to put up with my own first years now. I think I understand your moods as a teacher more.”
There was an awkward pause. Once again instead of rising to the bait as I was accustomed Potter decided to behave like an adult. It was something I was sure I would never see in my life time and still found rather disconcerting.
“Been visiting Remus again?” Potter said with a tone and expression that was slyer than I would have credited him.
“My presence was requested by him. He had some personal news he wished to share with me.” I replied in a rather flat voice.
My response seemed to startle Potter. “Was it unwelcome news then? I was under the impression the two of you were happy,” Potter said in a concerned tone.
“He is pleased with himself and I wish him the best,” I replied shortly.
Potter looked at me like he’d never seen me before. Then he said in an incredulous voice, “You wish him the best?!” He sounded like I had just declared myself a pretty pixie that was going to grow up to be a ballerina. I seem to be on a roll confusing Gryffindors today. Not that it’s hard to do at the best of times. “Are you abandoning him then?” His voice was at once protective and angry.
I modulated my voice to sound as close to indifferent as I could manage. “Of course I do, he is my closest friend. I have no intention of ever leaving Remus unless he asks it of me.” The thought of that ever happening was enough to chill my blood. I paused to muster up the control to utter in a slightly shaky voice the horrid sentence, “Take care of him, he deserves to be happy.”
Unable to pretend to be fine much longer I abruptly turned and stormed off. I managed to leave with my dignity intact, but my composure was in tatters by the time I apparated home. I barely managed to enter, close and secure my door before I lost my poise completely. I threw myself into my favorite arm chair before the fire to integrate my newly discovered and tumultuous feelings. Why was it always a Potter that came between me and the one I wanted most?
The more I thought about the events of last several years the less shocked I was that I had fallen for Remus. We were quite different in a number of ways, but we seemed to balance each other out. He was a calming influence on me and I managed to incite him to action when necessary. We had similar opinions on a number of topics, but the ones we disagreed on frequently started informal, friendly debates. One of us often made a point the other never thought of prior which made for rather exciting conversations.
Those who had known me as a teenager or teacher would assume our personalities would not only clash but explode upon impact. However, after the end of the war I was no longer under the control of two cruel and domineering masters, I quit a job I despised and received my pardon. My stress level predictably dropped exponentially with a corresponding rise in my overall mood though I was still sharp with people who were willfully ignorant or irritating.
I would never be considered personable or consistently charming, but I no longer wished to verbally abuse anyone who spoke to me without my permission. I’ve been accused of everything from “going soft in my old age” as Minerva so charmingly put it to taking recreational potions by a teasing Poppy. Only Remus seemed to accept the change in my temperament as a natural occurrence. He once said to me with a slight understanding smile, “I understand the stresses of being pulled in more than one direction at once.”
What could I do about Remus now that I had realized my true feelings for him? For a while in the dark I wanted so very much not to care for him. Life would be much simpler. I could continue on as always and when Remus took Potter as his lover I might not approve, but I would be happy he was happy. I would get to keep my friend, still see Theodore and be content.
I could sabotage the budding relationship between Remus and Potter. I freely admit my vindictive side loved that idea. Unfortunately my practical side beat it down with logic. After all how would I go about it and not get caught? Remus was a bright man and his sense of smell was quite incredible. If Remus even suspected I had a hand in things I would lose our friendship. Even though friendship wasn’t what I wanted from Remus anymore it was much better than nothing. It clearly was not worth the risk.
I would be best served to avoid him as much as possible, but the very thought saddened me. Even completely ignoring my own feelings on the subject Remus would be hurt if I started avoiding him. I found, much to my dismay, an irrational desire to protect Remus from any harm even to save myself some heartache. Besides I would miss his company.
My vindictive side reared its head again to suggest a more “permanent” solution to the Potter problem. I knew immediately that wasn’t even an option. I’d spent nearly half my life trying to keep that particular idiot from getting himself killed, I could hardly help him along now. More to the point there would be the man hunt to end all man-hunts if “The Boy Who Lived” died unexpectedly, even with untraceable poisons.
Maybe they would have a falling out of some kind! Then I would be there to comfort Remus when Potter showed his true colors. But that would take something rather horrendous on Potter’s part. I would rather Remus never be hurt in such a fashion. Remus is far too loyal for his own good at times and I doubted he could handle another betrayal.
I must have stared at the fire brooding for several hours for the next thing I knew was the sound of the clock chiming two in morning. I rose from my chair feeling despondent and stiff. I went upstairs to prepare for bed and try to get some sleep before work tomorrow. After stripping down to my Slytherin green boxers I decided they were warm enough for nightclothes. As soon as my head hit the pillow I fell into a deep sleep.