Rating: NC-17 Pairing: Remus/Severus, mentions of Bill/Remus Challenge: Crack Challenge Word Count: 1,340
Disclaimer: No blonde hair, no castle, no foul Warnings: unbeta’d, wall sex, crack
"Lupin! Are you daft?!" Severus shouted; his wand pointed at Remus' head.
Remus looked up wide-eyed. "No, Severus I'm not."
"Then what in the name of Merlin are you doing sitting, unannounced, in my kitchen with parchment scattered everywhere?"
"Well, you weren't using it…"
"Lupin, I was at work! Some people do that as you may know!" Severus spat.
"Yes, of course, I know that Severus. I am working here as well."
Severus rolled his eyes. "Why are you in my kitchen?!" He shouted.
"Because it's quiet here and I have space to work."
"Perhaps it has escaped your notice, but you do not live here. As a matter of fact you are not even invited here."
"I'm sorry about that Severus. I didn't no where else to go."
"Perhaps you should go back to Grimmauld Place, where you currently reside." Severus' voice dripped with sarcasm.
"No, I can't."
"Lupin, there is a kitchen there. Use it!"
"Severus, do you have any idea how many parties there have been at Grimmauld Place since Voldermort fell?"
Severus sniffed. "I have no idea. I was not included on the guest list."
Remus chuckled. "Neither was I. There has been a party every night. Don't you remember being that age? Every night was an opportunity to party until you puked."
"Gaahh! Lupin please!"
"Ah, so you do remember those times worshipping on your knees in front of the porcelain god."
"Not exactly." Severus licked his lips. "I do remember vomiting on the Dark Lord's shoes once." Severus smirked.
Remus grinned broadly. "You didn't!!"
"Yes, actually I did."
"And?" Remus prompted.
"I blamed Lucius, of course."
"Naturally." Remus kept grinning.
Severus sighed. "All that aside, what are you doing in my kitchen?"
"I'm working on my drawings for the Darkly Hallows action figures."
"Darkly Hallows? Action figures?"
"Well, that's what I'm calling the collection. They're figures of us from the war. Heroes and villains. If the figures sell well, then I'll make props and scenes..."
Severus held up his hand. Remus stopped talking.
"What is an action figure?"
"Sort of a doll, but they are specific characters real or imaginary and children or adults can use them to act out certain scenes from history or stories and then make up some of their own. Also, I understand that many action figures are quite collectable."
A frown creased Severus' face. "Back to the original question if you don't mind. Why are you in my kitchen?
"Kreacher said you don't use the table here. He said you always use a tray in the lounge for your supper."
A vein pulsed at Severus' temple.
"Was he wrong?"
"No. He was not wrong."
"So why don't you use the kitchen table. It appears sturdy enough."
"Habit." Severus mumbled.
"Oh."
"Don't say it like that!" Severus snapped. "Everyone knows I'm a half-blood now. We ate Muggle style in front of the telly, sometime even with those strangely sectioned metal trays where the peas ended up in the potatoes and the cherry goop for pudding was everywhere."
Remus' face was suffused with a look of nostalgia. "I always loved the ones with the corn and the chocolate cake."
Severus rubbed his hand across his face. "Now, back to your business venture. Are manufacturing these toys?"
"No, Severus. I had the idea and I'm doing the drawings. George has a supplier who will make the actual figures."
"You are doing the drawings!" Severus shrieked and then lunged at the table grasping up the parchments. He studied the first drawing and then peeped at the second one. "Lupin, these are nudes."
"I know Severus. They each will have a wardrobe so I thought it best that they be anatomically correct."
Severus waved the first parchment. "So you've seen Potter nude?!"
Remus rolled his eyes. "Really, Severus! The body is based on James."
Severus' eyes sparkled. "I always knew he had a tiny little prick. Poor Lily." He flipped to the next drawing. "Ah, so Weasley was your underage wizard of choice."
"Severus, I haven't see Ron naked either. That drawing is based on Bill."
"You shagged Bill Weasley?!"
Remus looked dreamily smug as he nodded.
Severus rifled through the balance of the drawings. "Lupin, this is absurd. No one and I mean no one is hung like this!" He tossed the parchment with Remus' self-portrait onto the table.
"I'll show you if you'd like."
Severus didn't respond he was crumpling the edge of the picture in his hand. "How did you? Well, you did get the one bit wrong."
Remus glanced over Severus' shoulder. "I thought it was quite a fair representation."
'I believe the size is correct, but I am circumcised."
With a quick tug, Remus had the parchment back on the table and corrected the sketch of Severus' penis. "Sorry about that. I couldn't see that bit."
"SEE!" Severus shouted.
"Well, you did have your cock down Regulus' throat at the time. So I think I could be given a little leeway, and it was years ago."
"Where did you see that?" Severus gritted out between his teeth.
"In the prefect's bath."
Severus groaned and covered his eyes with his hand.
"It's alright, Severus. I only saw a few times, and it was always the same. He would blow you and wank himself at the same time."
"Stop trying to make me feel better, Lupin!" He turned back to Remus' picture. "You do realize that this is ridiculous?" Severus said as he pointed in the direction of Remus' privates.
Remus fingers were already working his belt and trouser fastenings. His cock and balls were out of his pants in a thrice. Severus gaped and the stuttered. “How? Where? How could that fit?.....”
“I’d be more than happy to demonstrate.” Remus said; his face set in a lustful leer.
“Me? Here? Now?”
“You are practically drooling, after all. Why not now?” Remus asked before he tossed his sketches up onto the fridge and picked Severus up and sat him on the table.
“Lupin, I never……”
Remus grasped a handful of long dark hair. “Perhaps now is the time. And never might be just a bit of an exaggeration, don’t you think?” Severus didn’t have a chance to answer before Remus kissed him. With that, it became a twisted battle of tongues and exploratory hands. The battle raged for long minutes until Severus pulled back gasping for air.
“Lupin, you are beast!”
“Only once a month, Severus.” Remus returned to kissing and added biting to his repertoire. Tiny nips to Severus’ jaw and neck. Severus pressed himself closer and hissed “Not on the table.”
Remus, obligingly, removed Severus’ trousers and pants with a flick of his wand and picked him up, pinning him to the wall. He conjured some lube and fastened his mouth to Severus’ neck, while his hand gripped both of their cocks and began to stroke. They rocked together, biting and kissing.
“Merlin, Lupin…how do you get your hand around that thing?!” Severus gasped as the long, thick, hard cock rubbed over his own.
“Practice.” He hoisted Severus’ up further and slipped his cock under the Potion Master’s balls; searching for just the spot to drive the man completely mad.
Severus groaned and twisted and bucked as he shoved his straining prick against the werewolf’s belly. Remus continued to torment him from underneath. They were panting and sweating when Remus moved suddenly to grasp their cocks together again. Severus cried out and went off spurting a fountain of white cream; Remus tried to catch what he could in the air. His orgasm came as he licked Severus’ creamy essence off of his chest.
The room was quiet.
“Are you quite done slavering over me?” Severus demanded.
“Sorry, Severus. Just trying to be tidy” Remus smirked.
“Lupin, put me down!”
“It would be easier to put you down if you’d unhook your legs from around my waist.”
Severus tipped his head forward and let his hair cover his face as he mumbled “Fuck!”