COUNTESS ZERO (countesszero) wrote in lupin_snape, @ 2009-08-31 03:40:00 |
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Current mood: | accomplished |
Current music: | Franz Schubert - Drei Klavierstücke: No. 3 in C Major |
Entry tags: | retro fest |
RETROFEST ENTRY
Title: THE ADDICTION 14/14
Rating: NC-17
Author:countesszero
Beta:schemingreader
Pairings: SS/ES, SS/RL, SS/SB, RL/NT
Genre: AU, Drama, Tragedy, Romance, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort
Challenge: Retrofest 2009 Prompt No. 05
Canon: Compliant with PS, CoS and 90% PoA compliant.
Wordcount: Approximately 4000 words
Summary: When Harry, Hermione, Ron stun Severus in the Shrieking Shack, they don't know there is a Sleeping Beauty Spell on the bed already. It interacts and Snape wakes up a woman. Remus who already is attracted to Snape finds this even more intriguing and begins to woo Snape.
Warnings: Incest, Heterosexual sex, (Child) Abuse, Drug abuse, Alcoholism, Mental illness, Non consensual sex, Sex with dubious consent, Gender switch, Attempted suicide, Character death (no main character)
A/N: At this point I would like to express my gratitude to schemingreader who has despite her very busy life supported me greatly in my first attempt of writing fanfiction.
I am sure this is a no-no but after ch. 12, 13 and 14 were beta-read and corrected I went back and changed them. So should you encounter more than the usual amount of typos and errors - These are all mine. Apologies!
Thank you also very much to scribbulus_ink for hosting the retro fest and giving me the opportunity to present my very first story!
Disclaimer: Severus Snape, Remus Lupin and all associated characters from the Harry Potter universe are the property of J.K. Rowling. The author is making no profit by this story.
Severus was slowly walking up the hill. In the distance he could see a neat row of tall cypress trees reaching up into the sky. The late afternoon light was dripping like honey over the green valleys. A faint pink tinged the plump clouds.
He stood to observe the yellow flowers that were growing on the side of the path.
He covered his basket with his moist cloth. It would not do to let the asparagus and the herbs dry out before he reached home - it had been a good day: he had picked purple monkshood, the fragrant calamus, the black hellebore. Later he wanted to add thyme, sage, rosemary, laurel and basil all wrapped in sturdy stasis spells from the house's garden. He intended to send the package before tonight to the Hogwarts Infirmary via owl and briefly imagined Poppy's pleased face.
Spring at Spinners End had always been an unremarkable season, a dirty mixture of brown and grey. Here though the sun was shining so bright that he had to squint. The warm, dry air smelled of green grass, tender leaves and earth.
When he looked up he saw Sirius standing on the top of the hill beside their tree.
He gave him a small wave and snorted as Sirius took this as a sign to turn into Padfoot and leapt down the hill through a field of white flowers to greet him.
"You are late," he stated.
"Fashionably late, and only a month or two." Padfoot rose gracefully as Sirius and said haughtily. "It's not easy being London's most sought after bachelor. Give me that basket, it looks heavy."
"Hands off, I am female not handicapped." Severus slapped his hand away, but Sirius simply took the basket and carried it anyway.
"So, how was your mission? I trust you were successful?"
Sirius shrugged: "What else did you expect?"
When they finally arrived at the top he rested against the cool bark of the pine tree. A soft breeze stirred the grass and ruffled his linen robes. Sirius set the basket carefully on the ground.
Severus raised an eyebrow and smirked : "If you really managed to get close enough to Death Eater meetings and return unharmed there is a hope we might win the war before Potter graduates or kills himself accidentally in this damned Tournament."
"Let yourself be told that I excel in stealth. Dumbledore says hi by the way."
"I really doubt these are exactly his words."
"Well, call it artistic liberty. He wants to come as soon as possible but as long as the Tournament lasts he can't get away."
When Severus moved to sit down, Sirius swiftly stripped his leather jacket off and laid it on the ground. Then he offered a hand, that Severus snickered at but didn't hesitate to take. Thanking him with a majestic nod Severus settled on the jacket between two thick knobbly roots with almost feline grace.
"So it all went well, I suppose?" he inquired.
Sirius patted his pockets, looking nervously for his cigarettes and found it finally in his jeans pockets. He started twirling it with his fingers.
"Pettigrew is definitely back in the UK. It's only a question of a few days before the aurors can take him."
"It might be a trap. Death Eaters are not as dim witted as you obviously believe or wish them to be."
"Lucius Malfoy is hiding him."
"Forget what I just said. Storm the place and just club Lucius over the head with his idiotic cane."
"Dumbledore said something like that, too."
Sirius looked uneasily around, folding his arms across his chest and finally threw a glance at Severus' basket.
"Nice collection you have here," he said with a nod to the basket. He went back to fiddling around with his cigarette.
"Out with it. What is the matter?" said Severus impatiently.
"What?"
"Educated people say 'Excuse me' or 'I beg your pardon'."
"Excuse me, mylady." Sirius said exasperated. "God, you are worse than my mother."
"You fidget with this disgusting cigarette of yours between your fingers and you cross your arms. That's how I know that something is wrong. So out with it. Have you peed into the hallway? Impregnated the colly?"
"It's Lupin."
Severus went still.
Slowly he said: "I don't know if I am ready to hear about him."
"He is here." Sirius blurted out.
"WHAT? I just thought for a moment you said that Lupin is here which is of course entirely impossible with this place being under fidelius ..."
"It's "Excuse me" for educated people. And he says he really wants to talk to you and ... make amends. And before you rip my head off - it's not my fault - Lupin didn't even talk to me - as you damned well know - he went straight to Dumbledore and apparently Dumbledore permitted it and I had to bring him with me."
Severus took a deep breath: "Obviously Dumbledore thinks I am ready for this."
Sirius looked at him from the side and said: "You know what, Severus. I tell him to fuck off and we'll forget the whole thing. I'm sure he expects it anyway."
"I don't know what to say to him. We did not part amiably."
"Yeah, well, never to worry about it," Sirius said quickly. "You can see him whenever you feel like it. Like never."
"No." Severus said after contemplating the issue for a while. "I am planning to return to Hogwarts and join the Order when it will be reinstated so I might as well make my peace with him."
"You don't have to." Sirius said. "I am not going to make any peace with him in the near future and it's going rather splendidly."
Severus raised an eyebrow, but said nothing.
After a while Sirius shrugged: "Let's go back to the house then."
He got up and reached out his hand to help Severus up. "You know I am not an elderly aunt," Severus grumbled but took the hand nonetheless.
"You're a hot chick, that's what you are," Sirius said.
"If you call me hot chick once more ..."
"Recovering ex-junkie. There. Sounds much sexier."
Severus stood several minutes in front of the heavy oak doors. There was no sound from inside. He still could turn around and tell Sirius that he had changed his mind. He didn't have to do this.
He turned the door knob.
"Lupin."
"Severus," Lupin was standing at the window, wearing a tweed cloak and a gray suit.
Severus thought that Lupin had aged quite a bit in these few months. He was thinner and looked tired.
"Have a seat, please," Lupin moved with the carefulness of an old man to an armchair. A tea tray was on the table before them.
"Care for some tea?"
"Yes, that would be very nice," Lupin removed his cloak and Severus took it from his hands to hang it up. For a brief moment their hands touched and Severus was relieved that it was nothing more. Just hands touching.
He poured tea into a cup and passed it to Lupin.
"This is a very beautiful place," Lupin remarked politely. "The people here are so very friendly."
"They are all former drug addicts. Like me. Then ... there is no such thing as a former drug addict maybe." Severus didn't know why he was saying this to Lupin. But Lupin just looked at him.
"I know. Albus told me about this place before I came here." Lupin paused."I am very glad to see you are doing well. You look ... very well."
Severus smiled and inclined his head in thanks. Lupin looked at him astonished, then smiled a little too. "I have never seen you smiling like that before."
The sound of laughter was carried up by an evening breeze from the court yard.
Lupin stared intently at his tea cup: "The reason I am here is ... I ... "
Severus closed his eyes. "There is no need for you to do this, Lupin."
"I knew" Lupin said. Severus who wanted to say something else fell silent.
"I knew how bad things were. I knew that you were taking these draughts. I knew you were ... not well. And I did nothing. Like all the times before. I never did anything."
He stopped talking and looked at Severus.
Severus took a deep breath and said almost gently: "No, you didn't."
He looked out of the window into the blue sky.
Lupin bowed his head: "I am here to beg for your forgiveness."
Severus said simply without hesitation: "You are forgiven."
After a pause he added: "May I ask you for your forgiveness?"
And Lupin lifted his head and smiled: "Yes," he said. "You had it a long time ago."
They sat a while together sipping their tea, looking at each other. The light of the fading day, a deep golden glow filled the room.
"How long will you stay here?" Lupin inquired, stirring his tea with a mother in pearl spoon.
"It depends," Severus answered cautiously. "Some are here for years. Others leave after half a year. And some ... " He swallowed and looked out the window again. "... some return. I am not ready yet. Once I leave here ... I would not like to come back."
Lupin looked at him with something like pain in his eyes, and his lips pressed against each other as if he was keeping himself from saying something.
"You are being missed at Hogwarts." Lupin said and smiled.
Severus snorted at that. "I have to admit I also miss the looks of blank terror in the eyes of my students. In this house whenever I glare at somebody I get a hug." He rolled his eyes.
"How is Ms. Tonks doing?" he changed the topic.
Lupin looked away at that. "She is doing good. She is the youngest auror the ministry ever employed so she is under a bit of pressure but she seems to be happy."
"Are you happy with her?" With astonishment Severus realized that he did want Lupin to be happy. It was very curious to feel such a thing without wanting to have somebody. He wondered if he had ever felt like this before.
But Lupin gave only a sad smile: "Even if I were happy ... I wouldn't know. I always seem to realize it when it's too late."
Severus didn't say anything to that.
They both lapsed back into silence only interrupted by the ticking of the clock. Somewhere in the house someone practiced a piano piece by Schubert.
"Are you happy, Severus?" Lupin inquired after a while.
Severus thought for a while and then nodded: "Yes, I am. It is easy to be happy here. It is safe here. But once I leave ... it won't be easy anymore."
He admitted it only rarely to himself but the temptation to stay was strong. Here time stood still. Voldemort and the Death Eaters, Hogwarts, the approaching war - all these things were far away, like a dream.
"I came to see you. To look at you." Lupin said suddenly. "I lost so much. I lost so many friends. All my life I drifted along, in the shadow of others, and I was content to let others make decisions. My curse, my affliction - it was always an excuse to not take part."
Lupin looked at him, and it made Severus a bit wistful. Sometimes Lupin's gaze could be intense. He remembered the glances Lupin had thrown him in school. They had been so piercing, so curious. The young Remus Lupin had been an intensely curious boy underneath his quiet demeanor. Now he looked as if he had seen too much, as if he wished to un-see the things he had seen.
"You don't have to tell me all this." Severus said for the second time. He felt a familiar warmth in his heart, but without pain.
"No, I must." Lupin insisted.
Severus leaned forward and took Lupin's hands in his.
Lupin looked at him, surprise in his turquoise eyes.
"You found Pettigrew, didn't you? And you realized that you only found Pettigrew because they let you. They put him into Malfoy Manor because they don't need him anymore. It is too late. The Dark Lord will be resurrected these days, and you realized that the war is coming. Didn't you?" Severus said in a low voice.
Lupin swallowed, then nodded: "The only weapon we have is a fourteen year old boy. So - yes, I am scared.
"Black once said, that I don't even know what love is. Well, maybe he is right. But the thing is now I want to know. We might not survive this. And in this case I wanted to make sure that I will go without regrets."
Severus smiled at that. He pressed his forehead briefly against Lupin's hands and put them back into Lupin's lap.
Lupin bit his lips and looked into his tea cup: "I know I have no right to ask this but ... are you and Black ... "
"Sirius and I are ... friends," said Severus and marveled about the ease with which the words had passed his lips. "He is a passable bridge player."
"What? You play bridge? I never knew," Lupin said, shaking his head. "By the way where is Black? I am supposed to travel back with him."
On the other side of that door listening to every bit of our conversation, Severus thought suppressing a smile but said instead: "He is probably smoking in the court yard," and, a little louder than strictly necessary he said: "He thinks no one knows."
Lupin grimaced but didn't inquire further about Sirius which did not escape Severus' notice. It was not his place to say something so he didn't.
After he finished his tea, Lupin politely refused a second cup and rose to leave. Severus handed him his cloak, and Lupin smiled warmly. "It was very kind of you to see me." He paused, then added: "May I come back here?"
"Yes, but you have to arrange visits with Dumbledore and the house. I ... I cannot have too many visitors yet."
"I understand." said Lupin quickly. "Well, then, I'll be on my way then."
When he was at the door Severus remembered something: "Remus, - as soon as I am allowed to brew again - which will be hopefully in November I will prepare your Wolfsbane. "
Lupin turned around and smiled gratefully. "This is very generous of you. Thank you very much!"
"Not at all." Severus said, slightly embarrassed. "Besides - I won't be allowed to brew classified potions of any kind for at least one year. - No narcotics, no Dreamless Sleep, not even Pepper Up. So the Wolfsbane will help me not to go insane with boredom."
"Severus," said Lupin suddenly, in a voice thick with emotion. He came back and took Severus hands in his.
"Severus." he said again.
They looked at each other.
"Let us be friends, Remus." Severus said softly after what seemed an eternity.
Lupin seemed to search for something in his eyes and did not let go of his hands. Very gently Severus stepped back and inclined his head.
"Friends then," said Lupin finally and bowed.
With a last smile at Severus he opened the door and left.
Severus didn't move for a while, lost in his thoughts and memories. Then he stepped to the window and opened it. The soft scent of the forest floated into the room.
He lifted his head to bask in the last golden rays of the setting sun.
fin
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