COUNTESS ZERO (countesszero) wrote in lupin_snape, @ 2009-08-25 00:39:00 |
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Entry tags: | retro fest |
RETROFEST ENTRY
Title: THE ADDICTION 04/14
Rating: NC-17
Author:countesszero
Beta:schemingreader
Pairings: SS/ES, SS/RL, SS/SB, RL/NT
Genre: AU, Drama, Tragedy, Romance, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort
Challenge: Retrofest 2009 Prompt No. 05
Canon: Compliant with PS, CoS and 90% PoA compliant.
Wordcount: Approximately 2580 words
Summary: When Harry, Hermione, Ron stun Severus in the Shrieking Shack, they don't know there is a Sleeping Beauty Spell on the bed already. It interacts and Snape wakes up a woman. Remus who already is attracted to Snape finds this even more intriguing and begins to woo Snape.
Warnings: Incest, Heterosexual sex, (Child) Abuse, Drug abuse, Alcoholism, Mental illness, Non consensual sex, Sex with dubious consent, Gender switch, Attempted suicide, Character death (no main character)
A/N: At this point I would like to express my gratitude toschemingreaderwho has despite her very busy life supported me greatly in my first attempt of writing fanfiction.
Disclaimer: Severus Snape, Remus Lupin and all associated characters from the Harry Potter universe are the property of J.K. Rowling. The author is making no profit by this story.
On one of their first outings together Lupin took hold of Severus' hand, and naturally Severus snatched it away. Lupin didn't give in and took the hand again. This time Severus fought down his urge and let the hand remain in Lupin's.
He thought he had forgotten how to be afraid, but here it was again, the familiar fear, almost choking him, creeping into his bones, his dreams. Sometimes his nightmares didn't even wait until he was fully asleep. Instead they urged him out of his body while he was on the verge of falling, forced him to watch himself twitching violently and gasping for air. He imagined that this must be how it felt when one was pulled down by a maelstrom. Deeper and deeper. Until he managed to move something - a leg, an arm the dreams would not stop.
With each time it became harder to escape, to pull back from these dreams.
Did Lupin sense something? Severus took care not to betray himself but one could never know with werewolves. He had heard that they were able to smell fear, lies, desire. It was all hearsay but some of it made sense to Severus.
Maybe one day he could just ask Lupin.
While they talked about politics, the Dark Lord and Dumbledore, on occasion even about Potter and his sycophamts, they never ever talked about Black and Pettigrew. There were times when Severus wanted to know what Lupin knew but it was better not to ask too many questions.
He didn't want to lose the serenity of Lupin's company - Lupin was good at jokes, something Severus never excelled at and he liked that very much. Severus didn't even know how to laugh properly at a good joke.
They never ever talked about why Lupin was doing this. If he would start asking questions he might get answers he didn't like and they might lead to questions he really didn't want to ask.
One of these were if Lupin was homosexual at all. Was he attracted to Severus as a woman? Or as a man? Was Lupin's urge to get access to Severus brand new, virginal cunt enough to let him overlook the definitely masculine exterior -- the deep voice that hadn't changed much, his still decidedly male features, neither lovely nor soft. Were his tiny excuses for breasts enough for Lupin to ignore the snarky rest?
Or maybe it was the other way round? Maybe Lupin was attracted to the man Severus had been and still was -- to a certain extent -- and merely not fazed by the rest. He desired Severus' thin, wiry arms, the bony shoulders, the man he had been. But then Severus did remember the look on Lupin's face in the infirmary.
All hungry and wolfish and greedy.
Of course it was futile to think about these things. If he was honest with himself, he didn't want to know everything. He wanted to be with Lupin and just listen to his voice - Lupin could talk about politics, art, muggles (although Lupin had even had less contact with the muggle world as a child - now he knew infinitely more about it than Severus).
Severus loved to hear Lupin tell stories about his childhood, his hilarious, liberal parents, the years after Hogwarts, his adventures. The only problem with this was that naturally Lupin asked questions about Severus' life as well, and there was so little to tell -- contrary to Lupin he had never even once left the UK -- and frankly the little that was there to tell was neither amusing nor entertaining.
Severus who had never been a conversationalist to begin with, found himself suddenly afflicted with an overwhelming shyness in Lupin's presence, and his contributions to their conversations consisted often only in snorts, minute nods, head shakes and eye rolling.
Lupin didn't seem to care at first. He smiled, flirted and talked, and often reached out to take Severus' hand and Severus didn't flinch or bat the hand away.
Since that one evening -- their first kiss -- the dynamics between them had shifted. Severus didn't ignore Lupin any longer when he passed him at breakfast in the Great Hall. Instead he lifted his head in silent acknowledgment before Lupin put his hand on his shoulder and whatever Lupin said, Severus almost always answered with a question, though laced with the usual insult, so Lupin could stay just a little bit longer. Severus never smiled but he stopped distorting his features in disgust.
Other days Lupin did not want to talk. He kissed Severus greedily as if to devour him, tugged at his robes, pulled at the buttons and Severus shrank back, pushed against the stone walls, while Lupin attempted to get his hands under his clothing on his skin and ... it was too much, too fast.
He once even hexed Lupin.
He didn't really intend to - but Lupin grabbed him in such a rough manner and Severus just panicked - and all of a sudden he had his wand in his hand and stared down at Lupin's burnt hand and Lupin cursed, yanked his hand away - and left.
After that incident Lupin didn't speak to him anymore and Severus spent agonizing days with planning and plotting to get him back. In the end the whole situation resolved itself: Severus had drunk his draught and was wandering through the castle - right into Lupin's arms. Armored with the confidence his secret weapon provided him with he pulled all his courage together and kissed him.
While they were kissing Severus noted that Lupin kept his hand lightly on his waist but didn't attempt to undress him anymore.
Of course Severus knew that this truce was not to last. Why was it that everything had to always change? Why was it that people always wanted more. They were not satisfied with holding a hand, resting their head on one's shoulder, warm embraces, exchanging kisses and having a conversation. In the end they pressured and urged. They begged and whined. They always wanted to crawl under his skin and devour him alive, tear him to shreds, always greedy like that.
And then he would have to end it and go back to his loneliness.
Of course Lupin would be no exception, but he had known that all along anyway, hadn't he?
"Why don't you stay a bit longer?" said Lupin when a week had passed after that hex incident, when Severus was in his quarters, an uncomfortable, claustrophobic experience. It made his skin itch. Snape sneered, insulted the quarters and drew himself up to leave, but Lupin, far from being insulted, only reached up and pulled Snape down again.
A not so tiny part in Severus panicked.
He decided to stall: "My students won't terrorize themselves. I am a busy man, now if you excuse me."
Lupin nodded gravely, still lying sprawled on his couch. He had a questioning look in his eyes, that made Severus more than uncomfortable, but addressing it could mean danger, so Severus ignored it, and bid Lupin good night.
He never did well in Transfiguration. He wasn't bad compared to the others in his class, but compared to his other grades, Transfiguration remained his weakness.
The Other studied his grades with cold fury. After a while - he was standing in front of her, head bowed down, looking at the grimy kitchen linoleum - she got up and shoved him aside and went to the sink, pouring herself a drink.
He remained silent until finally she broke the silence.
"Don't you have anything to say?" she said.
He flinched.
"I am sorry," he murmured.
"So you say," she said.
He knew what was coming and he knew better than to try to calm her down. In a dangerous, low voice she continued: "While you are enjoying yourself at Hogwarts, playing with the other children, no doubt stuffing yourself with chocolate frogs and spending your money on frivolous, useless things at Hogsmeade, I am stuck here, locked in this life."
She took a swig from her glass. He could smell the cheap white wine.
"I am living this miserable existence, enduring all of this - only to give you a better life, something different."
"Mother ..." Severus said.
"Do you think I didn't want more from life than THIS?"
She fell onto her knees, and grabbed his shoulders, hard.
"If I would have been selfish, I would have not had you. Do you understand? But I chose not to be selfish. And this is how you repay me?"
She grabbed the parchment with the grades and threw it into his face. She yanked his hair until there were black strands of hair in her fists. Shaking with rage she hissed: "This is how you repay me? With laziness and idleness? You are at Hogwarts to study not to ..."
She suddenly stilled, narrowing her eyes.
"Are you fucking around? Following the girls around like a dog? Is this what keeps you from studying, is it? Are you sniffing at what they have underneath their robes, these sweet girls? They seem so ready, don't they? Like ripe apples, ready to be picked."
He shook his head, horrified. He fought his nausea down and reached for her, and threw himself at her, his bony arms wrapping her and burying his head in her chest, breathing in the smell of unwashed hair and skin, the sour odor of stale sweat.
"No, no, no." he whispered softly. "I love you, I will always love only you, and I will never leave you." He kissed her slack, moist lips.
She calmed at this. Slowly she slipped her arm around him, holding him there, rocking him, pacified.
"I am sorry, my boy." she sobbed softly. "I wouldn't be so mad if I wouldn't love you so much. Please don't make me do this, be like this. It hurts me so much."
He understood.
"I always thought gay guys like pretty boys." Sirius said. Remus opened two beers and put them on the kitchen table: "Charming. What"s that supposed to mean?"
"You know what I mean. Snape is not the type of guy ... or whatever he is now - a gay guy would be interested in fucking. Especially now. Being actually not a guy anymore."
"Since when are you an expert on gay men and their preferences?" Remus took one bottle and took a sip. "Besides, I am an omnivore," he added and revealed his sharp canines.
"A what? ... Anyway ... What I mean is that ... you could do better ... " Sirius trailed off.
"What on earth are you on about?"
"He is not really completely sane, you know that, don't you? Did you see his eyes in the Shrieking Shack? Fucking mental."
Remus shrugged.
"I think he is dangerous." Sirius murmured into his beer.
"Well, it's Snape. Of course he is dangerous." Remus laughed. "But you have to admit that he has a certain sexual aura."
"Sexual aura? Maybe we should check that Wolfsbane he is concocting every month for you. He might have mistakenly put in some ashwinder eggs." Sirius laughed. "So how is he? She? Ah, whatever. Do you know if Snape is actually gay?"
"Do you mean if he likes women or men? I am a bit confused now I think. Which would be gay now?"
"Shut up."
They drank in silence. Sirius said quietly: "Even after Dumbledore explained to him that expelling you from Hogwarts would equal a death sentence he insisted on it."
Remus didn't want to talk about the school days. He knew where this conversation would be heading and today was not the day to have that one particular conversation.
Sirius grinned at him: "At least you are getting laid."
Remus flinched."Well, we are getting there."
"Getting there? When you said 'Sexual Aura' before I thought you actually knew what you were talking about."
"None of your business, Sirius. But you know he has some trust issues with werewolves. Because of this idiot back in school who almost fed him to one. So since then he is a bit tense when it comes to socializing with dark creatures" said Remus. So they did talk about the one topic he didn't want to talk about. And it was his fault because he had to bring it up.
Sirius sighed dramatically and took a long sip from his beer. Like he used to do when he was a teenager. Remus noted how much Sirius behaved like a teenager. His posture, his flippant remarks, his moodiness. For him time had stood still. Well, he had never had the chance to grow into adulthood like others. Or maybe it hadn't, really. Sometimes Remus realized that Sirius' regress into his old teenage attitude was an act, a desperate longing for a past that had died a long time ago. This was why he loved Harry so much - Harry was an almost seamless continuation of James. And this was also why Sirius could not let go of his childish hatred of Snape. Maybe Remus, Harry and in a very strange way Snape were the only anchors for Sirius, in a world that had mercilessly moved on without him in it.
"What do you want me to do? I apologized already ... a million times. To you. To James. To Dumbledore. To Minerva. To Poppy, heaven knows why. To everyone. Even to fucking Pettigrew I apologized. Remember?" Sirius said tiredly.
"But did you apologize to Snape?" Remus asked although he cringed inwardly. He hadn't mean to ask that. The same discussion, again. In reality he didn't want to listen to Sirius' apologies anymore.
Fortunately Sirius simply changed the subject. Sort of. "Madness runs in my family. Don't underestimate his craziness. Snape is fucked up believe me."
It was true, Sirius was right.
"Say, if you would have a run in with a badly cast spell and wake up as a woman ... would you go and date the first werewolf who came around asking you out?" Sirius asked in this casual way of his.
"Absolutely." Remus retorted. They snickered and finished their beers.
"You know," said Sirius after a while. "Snape is not a woman. He is a guy with a cunt."
Remus rolled his eyes: "You're a fountain of wisdom today."
Sirius leaned forward, close to Remus. "Someone ... as demented like Snape is capable of killing someone he can't possess."
"Snape didn't knowingly betray Lily and James."
"In the best case scenario he offered his equally demented boss crucial information that he knew would get someone killed. And in the worst case scenario Snape resented Lily for marrying James so much that he didn't care for her life anymore. He would rather have seen her dead than in the arms of his enemy."
"Sirius ... "
"What I am saying - I am repeating myself - is - be careful."
Startled and somewhat annoyed by Sirius dramatic tone Remus merely raised the empty bottle in a salute and said: "I will mark your words, Sirius, and now tell me more about the two birds we are going to see later."
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