little_iago (little_iago) wrote in lupin_snape, @ 2009-03-11 03:36:00 |
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Title: Cronkmeister Callus Cream Has Many Uses
Author: little_iago
Rating: R
Word Count: 500
Challenge: Remus Lupin Birthday Challenge
Prompt: Aging
Warnings: Language, implied sex
A/N: A dialogue drabble. Shamefully unbetaed. Was running a bit late on this one, but better late than never. Happy Birthday, Remus, you ol’ beast, you!"Mmmm."
"Hmmm."
“Oh!”
“Yes.”
"Ahhh…get the lube."
"Is that an order, Lupin?"
"It was a plea. You want me to make it an order?"
"Cheeky."
"Should be in my nightstand."
"Hold on, let me just reach over--"
"Ow—"
"Sorry."
"How about if I put my arms down?"
"Better."
"Did you find it?"
"Trying. You have entirely too much junk in here, Lupin."
"I think it’s toward the back of the drawer."
"Wait, I found something… ‘Flex Bendersmith’s Joint Ointment’? … ... Lupin, what is this doing here?"
"For my knees. The moon, among other exertions, makes them a bit stiff."
"Let me rephrase the question: What the hell is this cheap charlatan racket crap doing in my house?"
"S’hardly a racket, Severus. It’s very popular. Endorsed by Thaddeus Strongwallop himself, and he played for the Wexford Warthogs for nearly 20 years."
"Kudos for Thaddeus.”
“What’s wrong?”
“If you need something for pain, I would gladly concoct a suitable tincture which, I might add, would be far more effective than this glorified insect repellent."
"I didn’t want to bother you with it."
"And if it would have been a bother I would have told you so, which I would not have, because when have I ever been unwilling to go through extraordinary measures on your behalf? I don’t do it for the academics, Lupin, I assure you."
"Duly noted. Now where were we?"
"What else have you got stowed away in here?"
"Hey!"
"Cronkmeister Callus Cream?"
"My skin gets itchy."
"Wizards’ Choice Twinge-Be-Gone?"
"For my back."
"Anti-Percolating Tablets?"
"Sometimes I get indigestion."
"I dote over your damn wolfsbane every month like it’s a fuckin’ soufflé, and you know why? Because it's poison, Lupin, a rather precarious poison that I wouldn't trust those half-wit buffoons in the ministry to administer lest they turn your insides out.”
"And I adore you for it, so can we fuck now and fight later?"
"Why in the hell would you waste your money on these ridiculous bum creams instead of coming to me when you have a fucking tummy ache?”
"Because I’m getting old, Severus, and maybe I not quite ready to advertise the fact that I get back aches and dry elbows and hair in my ears or that Molly’s Famous Mulligan Stew gives me a raging case of gas. Least of all to you."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
“I see.”
“Good.”
"I… apologize for my rashness."
“Severus, Love, I have come to understand your tantrums as an expression of your undying affection."
“Hmph.”
“What?”
"It’s all rather humbling, isn’t it?"
"Your tantrums?"
"That we’re getting old, you twit."
"Oh, well, I suppose it is. It does have a way of sneaking up on a body. By the time you realize it’s there, BAM! Escape is futile."
"Certainly is a mood killer."
"I wouldn’t say that. With age comes wisdom…and longevity."
“Oh, really?”
“Really.”
"And what about impotence?"
"Give me your hand. … does that feel like impotence to you?"
"I…uh…"
"Yes?"
"Dammit, where’s that lube?"