Fic: The High Cost of Living (22)
Title: The High Cost of Living (22) Author: Jules Noctambule (werewolf_lib) Rating: Hard R/soft NC-17 for sexual situations, language and referenced violence. Pairing(s): Lupin/Snape, past Lupin/Black & Lupin/Tonks, Snape/others Summary: After the war ends, a disgraced Snape turns to the world's oldest profession to make ends meet. Disclaimer: If I owned them, the books wouldn't be suitable for children. Warnings: Prostitution and some of the associated risks. Notes: Written pre-DH, but I got a few things right so there are some minor spoilers. 123456789101112131415161718192021 Can't get to a chapter? Try here!
A huge thanks to JM for rescuing my hard drive and this story! Z, if you read this, give him a big hug for me.
After enduring it for fifteen minutes, Severus threatened Lupin’s well-being if he did not stop pacing at once.
He did, only to lean against the windowsill and start drumming his fingers against the pane. ‘It’s been three hours, Severus. Aren’t you concerned?’
‘Concerned? Because I might have to spend the next few years in indentured servitude to the very establishment that put me in a position of need in the first place and even if I don’t, my not-so-recent past as a whore is certain to become everyone’s business? Why no, I’m just thrilled about the whole thing, thank you for asking.’ Severus finished his coffee and sent the empty mug into the sink with a flick of his wand that was a little more forceful than necessary. ‘Whether or not the contract arrives, I am looking at a life that will hardly be worth living.’
‘Severus, don’t say that. If worse comes to worse, we could leave. We could go anywhere you wanted; the money’s there. I’m not going to lose you again.’ Lupin reached out to touch his shoulder, frowning in dismay when he flinched away. ‘Fine. I won’t even try. I don’t even know why I bother when you get like this.’
‘I have things I ought to be doing.’ In no mood for this kind of conversation, Severus Apparated to the privacy of his workroom. Here, there was always something to distract him, whether it was another bottle to fill or more herbs to dry or another staple formula to mix. The scent of ingredients was comforting and familiar, reminding Severus that here was the one place he was always in control. Even dusting the shelves helped clear his mind, allowing fragments of concerns and possibilities to coalesce and solidify. He turned them over one by one, examining each as carefully as he did the bottles in front of him. Lupin did have a point, for if money couldn’t buy happiness it could certainly buy a new life in any number of pleasing locations and neither of them really had anything tying them to their old lives.
‘But that would be admitting defeat,’ he told the vial of dragon scales in his hand. ‘I do not care for losing. I am beginning to think I do not care for this ridiculous game of stalemate, either.’
‘You know, they say it’s all right to talk to things as long as they don’t talk back.’
Severus looked up to see Lupin standing in the doorway, parchment in his hand. ‘What did she say about the contract?’
‘Nothing, I’m afraid. It’s from her niece; Ella’s on holiday in Sardinia but she’s due back any day now. We’ve been pencilled in first thing Monday.’
He placed the dragon scales back in their space on the shelf. ‘The Ministry wants the contract by Tuesday.’
‘Which should give us plenty of time.’ Lupin took a careful seat on the room’s only chair. ‘Severus, would you please talk to me?’
Severus folded his hands, tapping a finger against his lips in an almost unconscious gesture. Allowing Lupin a glimpse of vulnerability was not a totally foreign concept but Severus was still far from comfortable with the idea. Even admitting his weaknesses to himself felt like accepting some sort of failure and though he doubted anyone else could judge him as well as he did, the possibility was always there. He watched Lupin watching him, waiting. ‘People will find out. I would prefer my secrets kept.’
‘Would you prefer becoming the property of the Ministry? You’ll lose everything, Severus.’
‘I am already one man’s property, in case you have forgotten,’ he snapped, turning his back to Lupin to escape his look of sympathy. ‘And I have very little to lose.’ Not nearly as much as Lupin did despite his being unaware of it. Here was the one thing tempering his shame, making palatable the idea of living his life in hidden disgrace -- Lupin’s life depended on the potion he didn’t even know he was taking, and Severus was the only one able to provide. The key to creating a potion that was successful in halting the werewolf transformation appeared to be not caring one whit if there was money to be made or lost with it, only if there was a life to be saved.
‘If it would appease you, I’d be glad to draw up a legal document giving you complete ownership over me. I can think of worse things than belonging to you.’
‘That is not the point, Lupin.’
‘So what is? I can’t know what to do right unless you tell me what I’m doing wrong.’
He could not find an adequate assortment of words to describe his differing emotions or the effects they had on him. Trying to name the many degrees of loss, isolation, pain and doubt would be like trying to quantify all the shades of green in a forest, a futile and incomplete act if there ever was one. He kept his back to Lupin, pretending to assess his stores of lacewing flies. ‘Without experiencing the things I have endured, I find it hard to even begin to help you understand.’
The chair creaked as Lupin rose from his seat, resignation clear in his posture. ‘In case you’ve forgotten, Severus, I am, and have been for some time now, a werewolf. I am more than familiar with being a social pariah, dealing with people’s revulsion and being treated like something too low even to deserve disdain. If you think I can’t understand you, perhaps you don’t know me as well as I thought you did.’
He was gone before Severus was able to form a reply, cutting or otherwise.
The days that followed saw both men engaged in a delicate performance, with neither willing to be the one to yield or the one to escalate matters. Meals were endured with casual conversations about the weather and the latest news in the wizarding world and as soon as the last bite was taken, each went their own way. Severus found his recently acquired skill of knitting to be a handy thing as it not only occupied time but also provided him with a useful barrier to any attempts at discussion via its requirements of counting and paying close attention. It was frustrating, no doubt, but not much more so than trying to reason with Lupin.
He was relaxing in the library before a roaring fire, quite involved in the final rows of his scarf, when the door opened and Lupin came in, dressed in a fancy Muggle suit and halfway finished tying a tie around his neck.
‘Don’t you look nice. Going somewhere special?’
‘Been looking for you,’ he began with no preamble. ‘Caroline left a chicken pie in the refrigerator, and there’s a green salad in there, too. She left heating instructions, so when you get hungry. . . .’
Severus put down his knitting. ‘You will be where, exactly?’
Lupin paused, gazing down to fidget with a cufflink. ‘London. I’m going out to eat.’
‘With?’ He felt certain he already knew the answer but wanted the satisfaction of hearing Lupin say it.
Clearing his throat, Lupin adjusted his cufflink again. ‘Damon. He called yesterday. Asked me if we could talk.’
Severus nodded. The pleasure of guessing correctly dimmed before the feeling of betrayal that spread through him, bringing anger that warmed him more than the heat of the fire. ‘And not being one to turn down an easy lay, you obliged. How thoughtful of you.’
‘Actually, it’s because I want to do the decent thing and break it off in person instead of simply pretending he no longer exists.’ He ran one hand through his hair, making the scattered grey strands sparkle in the firelight. ‘Believe me or not; it’s up to you.’
‘But you won’t be tempted by one last little dalliance, of course. What will it be -- another al fresco blowjob, perhaps? Or maybe a quick fuck in the back of your car? You’ll pretend to put up a fight, naturally, but you will give in.’ He flicked his wand at the logs by the fireplace, adding a fresh piece of wood to the top of the fire and making it crackle and hiss. ‘That’s all he wants from you, Lupin -- control. He doesn’t care for you; he just cannot manage not getting what he wants.’
‘I wonder the same thing about you sometimes, Severus,’ Lupin retorted, his voice taut. ‘You toy with me, pretending like you want me to get close to you, then once I let down my guard you withdraw again! You can’t stand seeing anyone but you holding any kind of power over me. Is that why you don’t want me seeing Damon? Because you’re afraid you won’t get to play your little game any more?’
Severus walked across the room toward Lupin with such force that the paintings on the wall shook. ‘You’re one to talk about power! You own me! You bought me like a piece of meat, and for what? To make yourself feel benevolent? To rub your successes in my face? To tease me with false promises of a new life?’
‘Because I’m in love with you, you stupid twat! Or has that escaped your notice?’
‘Stop telling me that!’ he shouted, furious. ‘You are not in love with me. There is no way you could be. There is nothing to love.’
‘But I do!’ Lupin insisted, reaching in vain for Severus’ hand. ‘I have for years!’
He pulled back from Lupin’s attempted affection with a sneer. ‘And I am not the man you think you love!’
‘Tell me who you are, then!’
‘I --’ Severus halted, his tirade cut short by clarity. Lupin couldn’t have diffused his anger any more efficiently if he’d tried. It had nagged him for ages, this sense of separation, of disassociation. Too many years had passed where he had been only an observer of his own life, and it was hard to become the man he wanted to be while unsure of the man he was. He sagged down on to the sofa, feeling all the fight leave him. ‘I am no one.’
‘Tell me,’ Lupin whispered, sitting beside him and placing a gentle hand atop one of his.
The comforting gesture made his eyes sting with the hint of unwanted tears. There was no point in refusing Lupin’s request, not when they’d come to this point. ‘If I feel, if I care, it is used against me. Everyone who ever pretended to care did so only manipulate me.’ He blinked and swallowed hard, not protesting when Lupin moved closer. ‘I have been like a ghost for so many years. Others defined me to the point where I forgot myself. I felt lost.’
‘What can I do to convince you that I am sincere?’
Severus watched the flames in the fireplace as they grew, shifted, fell. ‘It has been so long since I saw sincerity that I am not sure I could even begin to recognise it.’
‘And this is why you keep distancing yourself from me?’
‘I find it difficult to believe that you do not want something from me,’ he said after a moment’s thought. ‘Equally, I think that perhaps you want something I am not. I dislike being a disappointment.’
‘Shall I tell you what I think you are, then?’ Lupin asked. When Severus nodded he began, speaking in a soft, even voice. ‘You, Severus Snape, are possibly one of the most talented potions-makers in many generations, though as much as you recognise that skill, you’re too quick to underestimate yourself in other areas. You have been both a spy and a teacher, though perhaps more of a success as the former than as the latter. You find it easier to be on the defensive than to risk being in a position where you could be vulnerable, giving you the appearance of being callous and cold. On the other hand, once you believe in a person you are unflinchingly loyal, even to those who glaringly lack a reason to deserve it.’ As if sensing that he verged toward delicate ground, he paused. Looking down, Lupin added, ‘You may or may not be involved in a one-sided relationship with a werewolf who would like very much to make it mutual.’
‘So he says, after noting my tendency to waste my loyalty on the undeserving.’ It wasn’t a fair thing to say, in truth, but neither was it completely inaccurate. Promises of kindness and acts of generosity had always contained the sting of demands and betrayal hidden inside them yet Severus, sometimes as much of a fool as the next man, kept biting the proffered apple only to find the worm. He had begun to lose his taste for it.
‘Do you think I’m among them?’
He withdrew his hand from under Lupin’s, tucking it into the folds of his robes. ‘Don’t you have a date tonight?’
‘So I do.’ He stood and walked over to the fireplace, taking a handful of Floo powder from the container on the hearth. Lupin tossed it into the fire and a moment later Damon’s head appeared, a glass of wine at his lips.
‘You’re late,’ he snapped, apparently unfazed.
‘I’m not coming,’ Lupin said, his curt tone holding no room to argue. ‘Not tonight, not again. Don’t ring me, don’t write and certainly don’t come by -- it’s over.’ Without giving him time to protest, Lupin dismissed the spell and Damon’s face disappeared into the fire like smoke. He turned to Severus. ‘That’s a start, isn’t it?’
‘Impressive, but how do I -- ’ Severus began, then paused. ‘Do you hear a buzzing noise?’
Lupin removed his mobile phone from a pocket, pressing a button. The buzzing stopped. ‘I did tell you not to ring me,’ he said, then pressed another button and gave it a strong tap with his wand. ‘You were saying, Severus?’
He’d been saying something, but Severus was uncertain where he’d meant to go with it. Undoubtedly he had been heading down the easy road of rejection and denial, yet a closer glance showed the path to a more appealing destination to be more convenient than he’d thought. The former might come easier to him, but Severus recognised that it lead to a place he was weary of going. It was high time he kept the past from tainting the present. ‘Whatever Ella has to say, we’ll have a fight on our hands.’
‘I know; I’m ready for it.’
Severus rose from his seat, smoothing his robes as he stood. He paced before the fire. ‘Your reputation will be at risk.’
‘My reputation, such as is it, could do with a little spicing up if you ask me.’
‘Will it not bother you, being with someone like me?’
‘Again, no. Sure you won’t be bothered by being with a dying man?’
‘You are not going to die.’ He stopped, and reached toward Lupin, cupping one hand against his cheek. His skin was smooth; Lupin must have recently shaved. ‘No more lovers. Promise me.’
Lupin’s expression wavered between surprise and pleasure. ‘I promise. Present company excluded, I hope?’
‘I would think that was implied,’ Severus assured him, settling his other hand on Lupin’s waist.
He responded by slipping his arms around Severus in a light embrace. ‘It wouldn’t be very gentlemanly of me to presume that was the situation.’
‘And you’re still concerned with being a gentleman, are you?’
‘Of course. Speaking of which, will you indulge me in an evening out? We both have yet to eat, after all, and I think we deserve a proper date.’
He nodded; if anything could quell the shaking uncertainty Severus felt threading its way through his system, it was a hearty meal. ‘I think I would enjoy that.’
‘I was hoping you would.’
Severus declined to dine at the elegant place Lupin had booked for his would-be talk with Damon, citing a lack of desire to be taken anywhere that spoiled brat would go. With those parameters set, they ended up sharing a small table in a bustling Japanese restaurant where Lupin proceeded to order things like octopus, sea urchin and eel.
Despite the exotic comestibles, Lupin’s definition of what constituted a proper date proved most satisfying and while it bore a marked resemblance to things they had done before, the changed intent behind the actions gave it a difference. It was one thing to have Lupin coaxing him into trying a savoury mouthful of something curiously delectable when they would be spending the remainder of the evening in a mild pursuit such as a game of chess and quite another when there was the possibility that they might engage in the activities that traditionally presented themselves after a proper date.
Being offered a piece of sashimi off Lupin’s chopsticks was, Severus concluded, a decidedly more interesting experience with Lupin giving him such a suggestive smile to go with it. To his satisfaction, he found himself feeling not only comfortable but possibly even intrigued with the idea. Inside, Severus could feel his nervousness and doubt being replaced with a lovely, warm sense of something within him coming to life and this time, it felt as if it were going to remain.
After they’d eaten all the sea creatures they could hold, Lupin suggested a post-prandial walk. They made their way through the town with its windows and lamp posts decorated in frills and garlands for the holiday season and its streets crowded with people eager to get in a little last-minute shopping.
‘Only ten days until Christmas,’ Lupin said, tucking his hands into the pockets of his coat and moving just a little closer to Severus.
‘So there are. Expecting a lot of boxes under the tree?’ he asked, reminding himself that he would do well to remember where he’d stored the things he’d bought for Lupin.
‘It would seem my present has arrived early this year.’
‘You are a ridiculously sentimental man, Remus Lupin.’
‘I like it when you call me that.’
‘What, ridiculously sentimental?’
‘No, Remus. It is my name, as it happens. You calling me Lupin all the time makes me feel like we’re back at school, and while that presents several interesting possibilities for recreational activities, it doesn’t do much for me in the everyday.’
‘But everyone calls you Remus. Think of it as a pet name.’ The wind found its way between his leg and his trousers and Severus shivered. Muggle clothing wasn’t worth the cloth it was made from on some occasions.
‘A pet name for a werewolf.’ He snorted. ‘You’re being stubborn again, Severus. Fortunately for you, it’s almost charming when you do it.’ He took out his mobile phone and pressed a few of the buttons. ‘You look cold. I’ll have the car meet us at the corner, shall I?’
‘That would be appreciated.’ He was growing tired of the bustle and the merriment, and especially of all the people. With a turn, Severus moved out of the path of an oncoming woman who carried more bags than physics should allow, almost losing his footing. Lupin steadied him with an arm around his waist then took the opportunity to leave it there, but Severus edged away.
‘Would you rather I didn’t touch you?’
He didn’t mind exactly; Lupin was masterful when it came to the art of making contact both intimate and unobtrusive, but Severus was still re-learning touch. It wasn’t the gesture itself that caused him conflict as much as it was his confusion about how to react. ‘People might stare.’
‘One of the finer things about being in one’s late thirties, I have discovered, is that people much younger than you are tend to ignore you and people much older than you are tend to think anything you do is questionable, leaving you free to do as you please.’ He tucked his hands back into his pockets. ‘If I do something you don’t like, tell me. If I don’t do something you do like, tell me that as well.’
‘I’m not certain what I like anymore.’
The car was waiting for them as they approached the street. Lupin opened the door and held it for Severus. ‘Well, perhaps we’ll have to find that out some time.’
What would make the difference would be a feeling of being more than just a means to an end; Severus couldn’t imagine feeling pleasure or even comfort in any other scenario. ‘Perhaps we will.’
At the house, Lupin poured them each a glass of wine and suggested they make themselves comfortable in front of the fire. He lit the tree but kept the room dark, letting the only illumination be the soft, multicoloured fairy lights and the flickering glow of the fire.
The wine was good, the sofa inviting and Lupin’s hand resting against his shoulder surprisingly comforting. After a short time doing nothing but relaxing, Severus found himself able to form some of his whirling thoughts into words. ‘When you say you love me, what exactly do you mean by that?’
Lupin, his brow furrowed, paused for a sip of wine, then answered ‘How am I supposed to quantify love?’
‘By telling me what it means for you. Is it sacrifice? Patience? Fidelity? Passion?’
‘All those things in some amounts, I should think, along with devotion, respect, admiration and regret.’
‘Regret?’
‘That it didn’t happen sooner, or under better circumstances,' Lupin said, dividing the remaining wine between their glasses. 'I feel that I owe you the most splendid relationship I can provide.’
‘Are we in a relationship, then? No dating, no trial period? Am I officially your lover?’ It felt strange to say those words, but not the sort of strange that put him on edge. Rather, it was the kind of strange like catching a wild fox at its ease or watching a blossom open -- a rare moment to be savoured and admired.
‘I’ve told you before that I don’t care for that word. Besides, I think by this point we’re entitled to skip over a few formalities.’
‘You’ll need to call me something.’
‘Marry me and I’ll call you my husband.’
‘You really are being insufferably ridiculous today,’ Severus muttered into his wineglass.
‘So let’s go to bed and start again tomorrow,’ Lupin suggested, standing and offering Severus his hand. ‘Will you share my bed tonight? Not for sex, just to have you near me. Pyjamas and everything.’
Taking Lupin’s hand, he nodded. ‘Do I get a stuffed teddy as well?’