Snupin Fic: "Frolics in the Wool Shop, or The Chart Is Always Right" Title: Frolics in the Wool Shop, or The Chart Is Always Right Author: nehalenia Pairing: Lupin/Snape Rating: R (just to be safe) Summary: Handicrafts gone awry and boys haberdashing in dark corners. A thank you gift for blpaintchart, since I have been the glad recipient of a gift of Evil Handicrafts. Given the style, please consider this both a gift and an homage. I tried for a dose of blpaintchart's wonderful humor but, alas, it just devolved into smut. (As things usually do with me and these boys.) Author's notes: A Tip of the Hat to a certain Snusa fic featuring chest waxing and olive green corduroys, but if you blink, you might miss the reference. ;-) Disclaimer: I own nothing in the Potterverse. This is presented for entertainment purposes only and no profit is being made or sought.
So, one day last month I got a small and mysterious package in the mail. No return address. The only clues were a 'Par Avion' stamp and some tiny government issued prints of a regal lady doomed to become a frumpy woman with large handbags and a great many waddling little dogs. (Don't get me wrong; I like corgis. I really do.) Here is a photo of what I found inside. (Given the colours, I thought my cat Phoebe made a rather nice backdrop. Amazingly, she seems to approve. And of course, so do I!) As anyone can plainly see, ghot's art and blpaintchart's skilz make for an excellent pairing, don't they?
There are times when mere thank you notes do not suffice. Like, those times when inspiration -- such as it is -- strikes. This was one of them. Dear blpaintchart, thank you so much, and may your hands feel better very soon indeed. I hope you enjoy this.
“Lupin?”
“Yes, Severus?”
“I’m fairly certain you’ve just conducted me to an entirely new level of Hell, and I’m trying to puzzle out which one. Enlighten me.”
“It’s a wool shop, Severus.”
“A wool shop? Dante said nothing of wool shops, I’m almost certain.”
“Perhaps you had a poor translation of his “Inferno”?”
“A poor transl—! You’re trying to distract me into a different argument. It won’t work, Lupin. And what is that odour?”
“What do you mean?”
“That smell. It’s like a melange of dust, lanolin, Irish Breakfast tea and that cloying tea rose concoction that octogenarian witches like to dab on their hankies.”
“Oh, that’s just the way Madam Bellwether's shop smells. Nice, isn’t it?”
“Thoroughly disagreeable. How soon can we leave?”
“We won’t be long. I just need to purchase a few items for a small project.”
“What sort of ‘small project’? Wait—you’re not making another one of those indecent bark fibre travesties you expected me to wear on my....”
“If you’re referring to the indigenous Malaysian penis sheath I knitted for you, that was by no means a small project. And I worked very hard on that.”
“You’ll work even harder making it up to me should you have anything similar in mind, I can assure you.”
“Never fear. This time it’s only a simple counted cross-stitch piece.”
“Cross-stitch, Lupin? You couldn’t have found a more masculine pursuit? Like waxing off your chest hair, or setting rhinestone studs on those dreadful green trousers you favour?”
“They’re olive drab corduroys, Severus. And now that you mention it, they might look quite fetching with some pocket embellishment.”
“Forget I said anything. And can’t you hurry? The fumes are giving me a migraine.”
“Perhaps if you’d help me find the embroidery cottons I need, then?”
“Oh very well. What must I do?”
“Well, the colours are named and numbered. If I call them out, can you find them in the cases, can’t you?”
“Yes, yes. Get on with it.”
“Right then. One skein, 1121 – Antique Cauldron.”
“Did you say ‘Antique Cauldron’?”
“Yes, Severus. 1121. Antique Cauldron.”
“But this is black.”
“No, Severus, ‘Black’ is 523.”
“It’s still black.”
“But it’s a different sort of black.”
“. . .”
“Severus?”
“Just get on with it.”
“All right. Next, one skein, 1145 – Greasy Curtains.”
“Greasy—what? Lupin, what kind of a name is that? Besides, this is also black!”
“Well, yes, I suppose it looks that way to the untrained eye; but see, this one is shinier.”
“Shinier?”
“Yes indeed. Ready for the next one?”
“...I suppose.”
“Hmm. Two skeins, 391 – Snarky Ivory.”
“Snarky—no, no, forget I spoke. Next?”
“One skein, 423 – Shabby Brown.”
“Yes, got it. Hurry it up, Lupin.”
“Let me see. I also need one skein each of 224 – Erect Beige, 231 – Throbbing Violet, 497 – Protuberant Pink, and 550—Engorged Rose.”
“...Lupin....”
“Yes, Severus?”
“What on earth are you making?”
“Well, it’s just an embroidered picture, Severus.”
“What kind of picture?”
“If you must know, it’s something I commissioned from a very talented lady in Surrey. All I had to do was send her a photograph, and she returned the cleverest charted design...”
“Charted design?”
“Yes, I have it right here.”
“Give me that!”
“Severus, don’t tear it.”
“This—but—this is—Lupin!”
“It does rather take the breath away, doesn’t it?”
“This— picture—is immoral! It’s utterly indecent! And besides, my—my—it doesn’t look like that!”
“Well, actually, it does, Severus. You’re just not used to seeing it from this angle.”
“Nor do I want to see it from this angle! More importantly, I don’t want anyone else seeing it from this angle! Merciful Merlin, Lupin, just where were you intending to display this?”
“I hadn’t thought that far ahead, Severus. Perhaps the library? It certainly invites contemplation, don’t you think?”
“I do not!”
“I’m teasing, Severus. No need to get in a lather. Now if you’ll just help me get the rest of these colours we can be on our way.”
“I will not. I refuse to participate any further in your pornographic hobbies.”
“Really? Well, that’s distressing. I rather thought you liked at least some of my pornographic hobbies.”
“...You know what I mean, Lupin.”
“Very well, I’ll just get the rest of the floss myself. Let me see... 674 – Tumid Taupe ... 498 – Begging-For-It Buff... 209 – Fervent Coral.... Hmm, you know, I don’t think that’s quite right.”
“What are you on about now?”
“This colour. The tint on the photograph must have been a bit off because I’m quite sure this part here should be a bit—pinker. I’m almost positive of it, in fact.”
“Merlin’s nightgown, Lupin, how much could it matter? Just get your wretched bits of floss and let’s go.”
“Oh, I couldn’t do that, Severus. I don’t want to put all that work into something that won’t look right. It would niggle at me forever, and I’d probably have to give the piece away.”
“I’m afraid I’d have to kill you if you did that, Lupin.”
“Yes, well, you see the dilemma, then. Hmm. Come over here, won’t you, Severus?”
“What now, Lupin?”
“Just stand right here. No, back a bit. Behind this support. Perfect. Now.”
“Lupin, what on earth are you—Lupin!”
“Don’t fuss, Severus, this won’t take more than a moment. Or so.”
“Have you gone completely around the twist! What do you mean by it, putting your hand down my trousers in broad daylight—ah! In a wool shop of all—places—oh! Damn it, Lupin—god—stop it!”
“Mind your voice, Severus. Madam Bellwether is dozing behind the counter over there, and I don’t think you want to wake her, do you? Especially not just at this moment.”
“You—insufferable—ahh!”
“Mmh, yes, firming up nicely down there. Now, I just need a quick peek.”
“Lupin!”
“Don’t be such an old hen, Severus, there’s no one in the shop but us. And Bellwether, of course, but she’s blind as a hedgehog even when she’s awake. Now then.”
“Is that—mmph—are you putting embroidery cotton in – in my pants!”
“Just for a quick comparison. Steady on, there, Severus.”
“You’re unbelievable! You’re—oh! Ahh!”
“Tsk. Look at that. I’d never have believed it if I hadn’t seen for myself.”
“Lupin—Lupin, you—god!”
“Fervent Coral it is, then. How silly of me. Right then, go on and zip up, Severus.”
“Zip—up? You unmitigated scoundrel! Do you think you’re going to put me in such a state – in a wool shop, no less – and then just leave me like this?”
“Well, you were the one all in a rush to toddle off, weren’t you, Severus? I rather thought we’d ehm... ‘finish up’ once we got home.”
“You—this is—augh!”
“On second thought, it would hardly be appropriate to parade you around Diagon Alley in such a condition; and Disapparating from within the wool shop would be quite rude, even if Madam Bellwether is taking a kip. And I suppose I can do one last comparison.”
“Comparison? Lupin, what are you talking—ahh—about—oh god! Ah! Yes!”
“Mmh, such a lovely flush on your cheeks when you’re like this, Severus. 310—Rampant Rouge, unless I miss my guess.”
“Oh—faster! Like that—mmph!”
“What a sight you are, Severus. If Madam Bellwether woke just now, it might do her heart good. Or put her back in St. Mungo’s. I’m not sure which.”
“Lupin! You—oh god!”
“Tsk, you’re getting a bit loud, you know. Perhaps I’d better stop your mouth before I make you—yes.”
“Lu—mmmphmmhhh!”
“Nice. Very nice. Better now?”
“Mmh—yes. That is—well—all right, yes.”
“Well, look at that.”
“Look at what—oh dear god!”
“You know, I’d wondered if 1011—Spunky Cream might not be a better choice, but no, the chart was right again. 1205 – Pulsing Pearl it is. Well, this is what comes of doubting the chart. I’m sure there’s a lesson in this, you know.”
“Never follow you into a wool shop?”
“No, Severus. The Chart is always Right.”
“You and your bloody handicrafts....”
ETA: Just in case you're wondering, here's a photo of something similar to the 'bark fibre travesty' Remus made for his own dear Severus: http://www.studio925.com/images/sheath1sm.jpg I imagine the 'Here, try it on' scenario went something like the bunny suit scene from 'A Christmas Story', only... not quite.