Bring me the nastiest colours known to humanity (blpaintchart) wrote in lupin_snape, @ 2008-11-24 17:31:00 |
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“Don’t you ever knock?”
“Sorry, Severus. I didn’t realise you were...”
“Yes?”
“Erm... enjoying some private time.”
“A shut door is a shut door. I’d expect you to have the common decency to...”
“So I see!”
“Are you smirking at me?”
“No.”
“You are! You are sodding well smirking!”
“I... I’m trying not to, if that’s any comfort.”
“It is not. Stop right now. Smirking is my domain. As is sneering, scowling, sarcasm...”
“You’ve a monopoly on ‘S’ words then?”
“Certainly not. I’m also a Master of malevolence, malice, and mean-spiritedness.”
“Ah, ‘M’ words also?”
“It’s your damn fault, wolf. You make me alliterative.”
“Well, I shan’t apologise for that, Severus: I, for one, thoroughly enjoy a spot of mutual alliteration every so often.”
“Enough pathetic innuendo. Why, may I ask, are you barging in here with no consideration for my privacy?”
“Ah. I wanted to ask whether you fancied stew or pie for supper.”
“That’s it? You’ve interrupted my special, personal, intimate time simply to ask daft questions about sodding stew?”
“Erm... yes.”
“I don’t believe this!”
“So, what’s it to be?”
“Pie. Obviously.”
“Alright, I’ll make a lovely big eel pie...”
“You didn’t mention eels!”
“Is there a problem?”
“Of course there is! I can’t stand eels. I thought you were aware of that?”
“Oh. It must have slipped my mind. Well, in that case, I’ll make beef stew instead.”
“Why not make a steak pie?”
“Ah, that’s not one of the choices, you see.”
“Is it not?”
“No. The choice today is beef stew or eel pie.”
“Let me get this straight. You have the ingredients for beef stew...”
“Yes.”
“... and the ingredients for eel pie...”
“Yes!”
“So why can’t we have pie, but made with the beef?”
“Oh. Well, to be honest, I hadn’t considered that permutation.”
“Mmm, steak pie it is, then.”
“But that would leave the eels, and they aren’t going to make a very good stew!”
“Lupin, eels aren’t going to make a very good anything.”
“What else can I do with them?”
“Do you really want me to answer that?”
“Yes.”
“...”
“Ouch! Pervert!”
“Very well then, feed them to your bloody Grindylow instead.”
“I can’t.”
“And why not?”
“He doesn’t like eels.”
“Indeed? Well then he’s gone up in my estimation somewhat.”
“I suppose I could give the eels to the giant squid.”
“Excellent idea. Now, with the matter of our gourmet meal finally decided, might I be allowed to continue with my... activity?”
“Certainly, Severus.”
“Thank you. Please close the door on your way out.”
“Oh no. I think I’d like to stay and watch.”
“Impossible.”
“Why?”
“It’s private, that’s why.”
“But I know that you do it. It’s hardly a secret.”
“True, but It’s a very intimate act.”
“And I’m your very intimate wolf. Let me watch. Please?”
“I’m not sure. Nobody has ever seen me doing this before.”
“I know. That’s why I’d like to be your first.”
“Indeed?”
“I’d be honoured.”
“How do I know you’re not just going to make fun of me?”
“Because I love you. You suspicious, miserable git.”
“Another ‘S’ word and another ‘M’ word for me? Impressive. Very well, you may stay and observe; but do try not to get in the way.”
“Oh Severus, I didn’t expect you to do it like that.”
“What do you mean?”
“I imagined you’d be much more vigorous.”
“Forgive me. I had no idea that you were such an expert in these matters.”
“You know I’m not! But I’m surprised, that’s all. You’re usually such a brusque man... I had no idea you could be so gentle.”
“For goodness’ sake, wolf! Did you really expect me to be sharp and aggressive where this is concerned?”
“I suppose not.”
“Certainly not. A soft, steady hand is required, but too much force could be disastrous.”
“Well, I see that now.”
“There. Strangely enough, I find... no, I’m not saying. You’ll just sneer at me.”
“I shan’t.”
“Really?”
“Really. Anyway, we’ve already established that sneering is strictly your territory.”
“True. Well then, I find that the rhythm is something he responds especially well to.”
“Oh yes, I can see that! Now that you’ve pointed it out.”
“He seems to find it both exciting and soothing.”
“Such talented hands you have, love.”
“Well, I’ve had years of practice, so I flatter myself that I’m the only one who knows how to do this properly.”
“Maybe I could learn?”
“It’s doubtful.”
“Please? I’d love to have a turn.”
“I’m sure you would! But it’s not something I’ve ever allowed anyone else to do.”
“Aww, Severus! Don’t tell me you’re shy?”
“Certainly not. I’m merely concerned that your hands might lack the required dexterity.””
“I promise to try and copy your actions; stroke for stroke.”
“I don’t know...”
“But now I can see how much pleasure it gives you!”
“Ah...”
“Did you know that your expression completely softens whilst you’re doing it?”
“Does it?”
“Oh yes! You look so absorbed and blissful.”
“Indeed?”
“Absolutely. It’s quite beautiful.”
“Well, it has been something of a singular pleasure of mine for many years.”
“There’s no need for it to remain so, though. I’d like to be a part of it too, if I may.”
“Very well, Lupin. Here: hold him gently but firmly.”
“Like this?”
“Just like that. Now, stroke softly, beginning at the tip. There.”
“Oh! I wouldn’t have thought of starting at the end, so to speak.”
“No? Well, therein lies the knack.”
“So I see! How’s that then?”
“Very good.”
“Am I going at the right pace?”
“It’s most effective, Lupin.”
“And am I being gentle enough?”
“Indeed you are. In fact, you can probably begin to use a slightly stronger action now.”
“Like this?”
“Oh yes. Yes! Very much like that. Please do continue.”
“Well, I have to be honest; I didn’t really understand what was so enjoyable about this activity. But now I’m trying it myself, I can certainly see the appeal!”
“It does have the distinction of being both stimulating and relaxing.”
“Doesn’t it just?”
“Merlin’s Monotreme! I do believe you are a natural at this, wolf.”
“Well, thank you! Praise from the expert is praise indeed!”
“And if you just increase the speed and pressure at this bit...”
“Oh! Is that...?”
“That’s it!”
“Have we finished?”
“For now.”
“And I was alright?”
“You were perfect.”
“Does that mean we can do it again?”
“Certainly.”
“When?”
“How about immediately?”
“Really? Alright, but I do have a steak pie to cook.”
“I’m sure it can wait until we attend to the manes on the other Little Ponies.”
“I suppose it can, Severus.”
“Good. Now would you like to brush Peachy or Galaxy this time?”