Bring me the nastiest colours known to humanity (blpaintchart) wrote in lupin_snape, @ 2007-10-15 09:20:00 |
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Ah, welcome to week three! Come in and take the weight off your sling-backs.
This week it is I, blpaintchart, along with my lovely assistant, westernredcedar, who will be playing the good cop/ bad cop of Snupin for your delight and dismay. We have something for each day, and trust that by the end of the week, you will be sick to reptile-induced-death of Snupin dialogue.
So, let us rejoice in the re-floating of the Ship!
Don't forget, ours is the only Ship that sits peaceably together all evening reading very intellectual yet slightly dull books whilst wearing slippers, before retiring to the bedroom for some seriously kinky fucking.
Which, I think, is something to take comfort and delight in!
Enough rambling, let me present the first fic this week:
Title: Snape's on a Plane. (Sorry! Sorry. I tried to resist, but was too weak.)
Author: blpaintchart
Rating: PG-13
Word count: 1629
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, I don't earn the cash.
Notes: Help! The format has gone wonky and there aren't paragraph breaks. The posting at LJ is much easier to read.
Summary: An AU way of dealing with all the DH dead.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is Captain Rowling speaking. I am afraid we appear to have a slight technical difficulty with the means of propulsion. This will, unfortunately, require us to make an emergency landing at the nearest airport within the next few minutes, although I can assure you that there is nothing to worry about.”
“Typical. Trying to blame the engine for what was, in all probability, human error.”
“That’s interesting. It actually sounded to me as though the pilot had almost run out of motivation.”
“Ah, here we are, appropriate reading matter; ‘In the event of an emergency.’”
“Well, I expect we could reasonably call this an emergency, don’t you?”
“Certainly. The moment that one is no longer permitted to studiously ignore one’s fellow passengers qualifies as an emergency in my opinion.”
“How terribly English! I’m Remus Lupin, by the way. Pleased to meet you.”
“Snape.”
“No other name?”
“Mister.”
“Ah, I see. Well, then Mister Snape…I take it you’re no stranger to flying.”
“Certainly not. In fact, flying used to be a hobby of mine.”
“How interesting. Light aircraft?”
“Something like that.”
“Hmmm. Fancy some chocolate? It’ll help.”
“No thank you.”
“So, have you ever been in an emergency before?”
“Not one where I was surrounded by so many irritating people, no.”
“Oh. I’m sorry about that … I tend to gabble a bit when I’m nervous.”
“Well, we can’t have gabbling. Let’s see what wise advice this instruction card contains. Hmmm. Put your life jacket on, but we’re not landing on water… put a gas mask on a child…”
“I don’t have a child.”
“No. However, if I did, I would probably find a gas mask useful to keep the damn thing quiet!”
“Well, I think everybody heard that!”
“About time, too. Perhaps we’ll have some peace now.”
“You can’t expect them to be silent; this is an emergency.”
“Humph!”
“Ha! It says here that you mustn’t try smoking whilst your mask is on,”
“How tiresome. Then I shall have to find something else to do with my box of non-existent cigars.”
“Ooh. I wonder if we’ll need to assume the position shown here?”
“I do hope not.”
“Yes, it does seem rather a waste to put your head in your own lap.”
“Alright?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Well, it was rather a rough landing.”
“Humph! I’ve had worse.”
“Really? Oh, do tell.”
“No time now. They’re letting us off.”
“Good.”
“Merlin’s engine! I don’t believe it!”
“What?”
“We’re using the emergency exits.”
“You mean the inflatable slides?”
“If that is what you want to call them, yes.”
“Brilliant! I’ve always wanted to do this. It looks like fun.”
“Oh dear.”
“Did the safety card say that we have to remove our shoes?”
“Only if you’re wearing high heels.”
“Oh. What day is it?”
“Thursday. Why?”
“That’s alright then. I save my stilettos for the weekend.”
“Indeed? Lead the way, then.”
“Work or pleasure?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Were you travelling because of work… or were you going somewhere for pleasure?”
“Oh, I see. Work. Always work. Yourself?”
“Yes, work too, I’m afraid. I was supposed to be attending a conference, but I expect I’ll have missed it by now. I’m a lecturer…Anthropology at
“Obviously.”
“Pardon?”
“Your appearance gave you away. It’s obvious that you’re either a lecturer or the sort of unmarried uncle who spends his weekends driving an ancient British sports car over the South Downs, pausing only for damp, uninspiring picnics with tartan rug and minor mechanical breakdowns included, no doubt.”
“Haha! Well, I’m impressed, that pretty much sums me up! So what do you do?”
“My profession is unimportant.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry. I’m just interested. Like you, I enjoy reading people.”
“Humph! I prefer to read books.”
“I imagine you’re a businessman of some kind…”
“You are correct.”
“Aha! A guessing game!”
“Oh dear.”
“Let’s think… I’d say you’re probably the Director of a company.”
“Indeed.”
“And the company would be… financial? Or perhaps computing?
“Pharmaceuticals.”
“Really? So you’re the man to come to when I’m looking for drugs!”
“Do you believe you’re the first person to make that feeble joke?”
“Oh, I… er…”
“That is one of the reasons why I never discuss my work.”
“Sorry.”
“Apology accepted, Remus Lupin.”
“Have you noticed what a strange lot our fellow passengers are?”
“No.”
“Look at him over there.”
“Who?”
“That man with the artificial leg and the eye patch. He keeps muttering to himself.”
“He’s missing a parrot. I expect his square-rig is anchored in the
“Well, there’s no parrot…but he could have an owl, look!”
“A Snowy owl. How unusual.”
“It’s very beautiful. What’s that in the tank next to it? Is it a reptile?”
“Snake.”
“It’s a bloody big one.”
“Hmmm. It would appear that we were sharing that rust-bucket with half the inmates of London Zoo.”
“Do you think that’s the sort of snake that squeezes people to death?”
“No.”
“Well, that’s a relief.”
“It appears to be an acanthophis, also known as the Death Adder. I’ve never seen one that enormous, though. I expect it has proteolytic venom; the effects of which would be cytotoxic, and haemorrhagic.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“A bite from it would cause bleeding, destroy cells, and digest your proteins for good measure.”
“Oh. Nasty.”
“Very.”
“Well, I wouldn’t worry. I mean it’s not as though we’d ever actually be in the position to be bitten by something like that!”
“Oh, you’d be surprised.”
“Apparently we’re to stay in this lounge for a while.”
“Typical!”
“They are sorting out new tickets for each passenger.”
“I don’t suppose there was any indication of how long that’s going to take?”
“No. I think I’ll go and get a hot chocolate while we wait. What can I get you?”
“Nothing.”
“Come on…”
“I’m alright, thank you.”
“Ease up, Mister Snape. I’m offering you a hot drink, not a lifetime commitment.”
“That’s a rather queer thing to say.”
“Is it? Well, I suppose some would say I’m a rather queer sort of chap.”
“Would they now? Very well; tea with milk, no sugar.”
“My pleasure.”
“Possibly.”
“Here’s your tea.”
“Thank you.”
“Did I miss anything?”
“Well, the people from the airline have appeared with the new tickets.”
“That’s good.”
“Not everybody would agree with you.”
“What do you mean?”
“It appears that we are all being sent to different destinations. Those teenage boys…”
“The little blond one and his friend?”
“Yes. They were given tickets for
“Haha!”
“And the pink-haired girl and her father are off to
“Really?”
“Yes. Miss Burbage and her band of monstrous schoolchildren are being sent to
“Good for them. See? I knew you were a people-watcher.”
“Hmmm. And you see that couple over there?”
“What, the witchy-looking woman, and the man with the prosthetic hand?”
“Yes. We discovered that they are less than thrilled with their new destination.”
“Which is?”
“Somewhere in
“Well, he looks like a nasty piece of work.”
“That’s shockingly judgemental of you, Mister Snape.”
“Well, we can’t all be bleeding heart archaeologists. And you may call me Severus.”
“Anthropologists, Severus.”
“I apologise. But I am correct about him.”
“Just because he’s bald, red-eyed and appears to have had some kind of horrible nasal accident, doesn’t mean he’s necessarily a danger to anybody.”
“Of course not. However, the fact that he’s manacled and being escorted into a secure prison van by two armed policemen might indicate that he wouldn’t be my first choice for a travelling companion.”
“Fair enough. So who would be?”
“Pardon?”
“Your choice of travelling companion.”
“Oh, nobody, I suppose. I always travel alone.”
“Pity.”
“I wonder when we’ll get our tickets?”
“I shudder to think which hellhole I shall be sent to.”
“You might get a flight somewhere nice.”
“Unlikely. I wouldn’t be surprised if I were sent to
“Would it hurt to look on the bright side?”
“Based on all previous experience of my life, yes, I think it would.”
“Damn, my hair is a state. Do you have a comb?”
“No. I never need one.”
“Mmmm, your hair is very fine and straight. I don’t suppose it ever tangles.”
“Only when I’ve been vigorously fucked.”
“Oh! I didn’t …”
“…expect me to be a screaming mary?”
“Haha! Something like that!”
“Well, then it appears that some of us are rather difficult to read.”
“I wouldn’t call you difficult.”
“No?”
“No. I’d say you were interesting.”
“Interesting?”
“Yes.”
“Hmmm. Interesting.”
“So… where’s your destination?”
“
“Same as mine! What a coincidence!”
“
“It’s in
“I know where it is, thank you very much. But this is ridiculous. I can’t be gallivanting off to
“Why not?”
“I have work to attend.”
“Just think, we can soak up the sun, eat delicious food, visit amazing archaeological sites… and party all night!”
“What do you mean, ‘we’?”
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to imply…”
“Anyway, you’re not an archaeologist.”
“No.”
“Typical! They appear to have mislaid my suitcase.”
“Oh dear.”
“So, I’m to fly to
“A naked excursion to
“You think so?”
“Well, it makes a change from work.”
“And what makes you think that nudity and exotic locations aren’t part of my usual working day?”
“Ooh! Are they?”
“Certainly not.”
“Well then, I think it’s about time we gave them a try!”
“Remus Lupin, is that a proposition?”
“It could be.”
“I’m not sure how I should to respond to that.”
“Would it help if you knew that I have a sudden urge to see your hair tangled?”
“Really?”
“Absolutely.”
“Splendid. In that case, lead the way!”