Ooh, so fun! The formatting is icing on the cake. And it's so tasty, from banner & headline (what!?! no byline!?!) to the godawful pun in the closing line.
As no one has yet mentioned it, with so much else to praise, I will *roar* over the paragraph on Nero! Too, too funny.
Love spinster Trelawney, 46, as the informant! I suppose she don't need binoculars with all her balls, lolz.