Fic post: Baby Shower
Title: Baby Shower Rating: PG-13? Prompt: Remus and Severus are living together, and Severus has developed a potion to let him carry a child because Teddy begged so hard for a baby brother or sister. They're all quite happy until Remus' mother announces her intention to visit...and Severus learns that Remus never quite found a way to tell her that his second "wife" was a man... Warning: mpreg, possible schmoop
"She will never - "
"Pitch your voice higher, love. You look charming."
"I look like an idiot! Why I let you talk me into this - "
"She's here, Papa, I mean Mummy! And she's brought presents for the new baby!"
Severus swallowed and did his best to look feminine as Mrs. Lupin and her friends twittered their way to the front door. He still couldn't believe that Remus hadn't told his mother that his new "wife" was male, or that the little sister Teddy had so badly wanted was being carried by a man under the influence of a hermaphrodite potion.
Or that he'd agreed to appear at the baby shower his mother-in-law had organized in full drag, including stuffing in the bra, maternity pantyhose that kept threatening to slide down because they weren't designed for a tall man, and a flowing tent in delicate florals that the shop girl had sworn was the latest thing in robes for the expectant witch.
At least he hadn't had to wear high heels.
"Mum! Thank you so much for coming!" Remus gave his mother a hug and a kiss. "This is Eileen. She - "
"She looks ready to pop, poor thing! Here, sit down so we can have a nice gossip!" Mrs. Lupin took Severus by the arm and steered him toward the nearest comfortable chair. "Remus, why did you make her stand? Why, when I was carrying you your father barely let me lift a finger, let alone - "
Severus nodded and smiled. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.
"Another - sippy cup? This looks so Muggle."
"They're very practical, Prof - Mrs. Lupin." Hermione Weasley hadn't batted an eyelash at the sight of Severus and his belly. It might have been that she was about six months gone herself and was undoubtedly taking notes for her own shower. "Far better than a porringer."
"Thank you." Severus shifted in place as the baby squirmed hard enough to make him wince. Fortunately Remus had been keeping track of the gifts, which ranged from a baby carrier to several cases of nappies and formula. "I'm sure we'll find it useful."
"Oh, I'm - "
"Attention, everyone!" Mrs. Lupin clapped her hands until the soprano conversation had fallen silent. "It's time for us to play a game before we eat."
Game? Severus's eyes widened in horror as someone brought out a brand new roll of toilet paper. Surely they wouldn't -
"Here are the rules - that's right, you have to participate too, Mrs. Weasley."
"But Mrs. Lupin, it's so sexist and humiliating! I've already told my sister-in-law not to bother."
Mrs. Lupin chuckled and patted her shoulder. "I'm sure you did, dear, but it's a tradition." She turned to Severus, toilet paper in hand. "Has everyone written done their guess? Excellent!
"Now Eileen, all you need to do is stand still while I measure you - "
Remus would pay for this. Severus did not move as the roll anchored itself to his dress and slowly unwound itself, square by square, about what had been his waistline as most of the guests counted off the number. He wasn't sure how, or when, or why, but Remus would pay.
After he killed his mother-in-law, transfigured her corpse into a roll of toilet paper, and wiped himself with it on special occasions for the rest of his life.
"You have to tell her. I'm not doing that again." Severus scrubbed off the last trace of makeup. He'd already showered to remove the hair spray and junked the maternity dress, and now was back in the oversized t-shirt (plain and black) and joggers (ditto) that was what he slept in these days. "Betting how many squares of arse-wipe - "
"I'm sorry, love." Remus, properly contrite, had done all the clean up and sorted the mountain of gifts by himself while Severus cleaned himself up and had a good, long sulk. "I had no idea it would be like this."
"It will only be worse after the baby's born. I am not going into St. Mungo's as 'Eileen Lupin,' or wearing that damned wig every time she visits for the rest of my life." Severus pressed a hand to his lower back, waited for the internal barrage to quiet, and waddled toward the bedroom. "This was a one-off."
"Agreed." Remus joined him. He wrapped both arms about Severus from behind, reaching under the t-shirt to caress his belly. "You were magnificent, you know. Sitting there acting as if the presents and the food were your due. Even the Weasleys were impressed."
Severus rolled his eyes. "Weasleys. I can't believe Granger married so young, let alone is breeding already. The brightest witch of her age - "
"Daddy? Papa? We just got an owl!" Teddy dashed in, note in hand. "It's from Grandmother!"
"Oh, goodie." Severus eased onto the bed. Remus and Teddy were intent on the note, so he took the opportunity to give an itchy place under his navel a good scratch. The super-moisturizing stretch mark cream would be ready for use tomorrow, and he was looking forward to a little relief. "I suppose she expects the thank you notes to be done already even though the shower just ended."
"Nothing like that." Remus had turned an interesting shade of red. "She - "
"She knew you were a man, Papa," said Teddy. He hopped onto the bed and cuddled against his stepfather. "She wants to visit next week when you're yourself."
Remus held out a news clipping. "It seems that she read the bonding announcement in the Pink Parchment, God knows how. She knew you were male all along."
Severus shut his mouth only when Teddy giggled. "And she let me - you - "
Remus joined his family on the bed. "I think she wanted to know how far you'd go for me." He leaned over to kiss Severus lightly on the lips, one hand gently stroking their unborn child. "Said she was impressed that someone with your reputation was willing to dress up as a woman. I think she approves of you."
"Does that mean she'll come back, Daddy? I like her," said Teddy. His hair went from chartreuse to hot pink to bright yellow. "I hope Papa doesn't have to wear that wig, it's funny looking and - "
"Hush, child. It's time you went to bed." It was well past bed time, and Teddy was starting to lose control of his morphing. Severus waited for the color to settle to its natural dark brown. "Sleep well."
"Can I get a story? Please?" Teddy hopped down and trotted toward his own room only after Remus nodded. "'Night, Papa!"
"I have to go, love." Remus set the note on the bedside table. "I can't thank you enough for this. She likes you, you know."
"How wonderful." Severus glared for a moment, then gave up and shook his head. "Only for you, Lupin."
"Only for us," Remus corrected. He gave Severus' belly a final pat and stood. "I'll be back in a few minutes. We can talk then."
"I'm not interested in talking." Severus was still male enough to have erections despite the changes to his body, but the flood of pregnancy hormones left him with a perpetual, low-grade arousal. "I could, however, be interested in something less - verbal."
Remus gave him a brilliant smile. "I was hoping you'd say that."
"Daddy - "
"Go to him, Remus." Severus slowly pulled off the t-shirt, inch by inch. He thought Remus was mad to find him attractive right now, but why argue with success?
"I'll be back soon," said Remus. He wet his lips. "Very, very soon."