This is a bit more than a drabble, but I hope it suits anyway:
Title: Baby Shower, Part I Rating: PG-13? Prompt: Remus and Severus are living together, and Severus has developed a potion to let him carry a child because Teddy begged so hard for a baby brother or sister. They're all quite happy until Remus' mother announces her intention to visit...and Severus learns that Remus never quite found a way to tell her that his second "wife" was a man...
Before
"She will never - "
"Pitch your voice higher, love. You look charming."
"I look like an idiot! Why I let you talk me into this - "
"She's here, Papa, I mean Mummy! And she's brought presents for the new baby!"
Severus swallowed and did his best to look feminine as Mrs. Lupin and her friends twittered their way to the front door. He still couldn't believe that Remus hadn't told his mother that his new "wife" was male, or that the little sister Teddy had so badly wanted was being carried by a man under the influence of a hermaphrodite potion.
Or that he'd agreed to appear at the baby shower his mother-in-law had organized in full drag, including stuffing in the bra, maternity pantyhose that kept threatening to slide down because they weren't designed for a tall man, and a flowing tent in delicate florals that the shop girl had sworn was the latest thing in robes for the expectant witch.
At least he hadn't had to wear high heels.
"Mum! Thank you so much for coming!" Remus gave his mother a hug and a kiss. "This is Eileen. She - "
"She looks ready to pop, poor thing! Here, sit down so we can have a nice gossip!" Mrs. Lupin took Severus by the arm and steered him toward the nearest comfortable chair. "Remus, why did you make her stand? Why, when I was carrying you your barely let me lift a finger, let alone - "
Severus nodded and smiled. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all.
During
"Another - sippy cup? This looks so Muggle."
"They're very practical, Prof - Mrs. Lupin." Hermione Weasley hadn't batted an eyelash at the sight of Severus and his belly. It might have been that she was about six months gone herself and was undoubtedly taking notes for her own shower. "Far better than a porringer."
"Thank you." Severus shifted in place as the baby squirmed hard enough to make him wince. Fortunately Remus had been keeping track of the gifts, which ranged from a baby carrier to several cases of nappies and formula. "I'm sure we'll find it useful."
"Oh, I'm - "
"Attention, everyone!" Mrs. Lupin clapped her hands until the soprano conversation had fallen silent. "It's time for us to play a game before we eat."
Game? Severus's eyes widened in horror as someone brought out a brand new roll of toilet paper. Surely they wouldn't -
"Here are the rules - that's right, you have to participate too, Mrs. Weasley."
"But Mrs. Lupin, it's so sexist and humiliating! I've already told my sister-in-law not to bother."
Mrs. Lupin chuckled and patted her shoulder. "I'm sure you did, dear, but it's a tradition." She turned to Severus, toilet paper in hand. "Has everyone written done their guess? Excellent!
"Now Eileen, all you need to do is stand still while I measure you - "
Remus would pay for this. Severus did not move as the roll anchored itself to his dress and slowly unwound itself, square by square, about what had been his waistline as most of the guests counted off the number. He wasn't sure how, or when, or why, but Remus would pay.
After he killed his mother-in-law, transfigured her corpse into a roll of bloody toilet paper, and wiped himself with it on special occasions for the rest of his life.