Family Fest Fic: Love and a Hard Place - R, Parts 9 and 10
Title: Love and a Hard Place Author/Artist: undun Rating: R (mature/adult content) Pairing(s)/character(s): Remus Lupin, Severus Snape, Nymphadora Tonks, Hermione Granger, et al. Challenge: lupin_snape's Family Fest Summary: Remus would do anything to be a father. Disclaimer: Not-for-profit fan creation. Warnings: I hate warnings. I don’t think anyone dies… Notes: This story was started before the release of Deathly Hallows and is therefore non-compliant with that storyline. I leave it to the reader whether they judge it to be AU. Beta was gifted to me by the extraordinary Dillis. Thanks to lore for running the fest!
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I should probably apologise here for spamming the asylum... and the shmoopy quality of the next two parts.
IX.
“I’ve been invited to visit Ron and Hermione’s place.”
“Mm,” Snape responded, his face firmly pressed into the pillow.
“For dinner,” he added.
“Mnnm.”
“You aren’t invited.”
Snape shifted and cracked open one dark eye to peer up at him.
“I think the time for my interrogation has arrived at last.”
It had been two weeks, and one full moon, since Harry had accosted Snape to ascertain his intentions towards Remus. He’d been waiting for the other shoe to drop, and this appeared to be it. He had to control his sense of outrage – he could be mistaken after all – but the pointed absence of Snape’s name on the parchment was an insult he was finding hard to take. Snape had all but moved in, was spending every night in his bed, and Remus was partnered for Merlin’s sake!
“They are young, and they are concerned for you,” Snape said from his pillow.
“How can you sound so delicious first thing in the morning?”
Snape smirked.
“I wonder if you taste as good?”
Snape snorted. “I really rather doubt that,” he said, poking out his tongue as if to inspect it.
“Oh, I didn’t mean there, Severus,” Remus corrected him with a beatific smile.
Snape rolled over onto his back. “Painstaking investigation is the key to proving or disproving any hypothesis, Lupin.”
Remus shoved all thoughts of interfering young adults from his mind and bent his intellect to research.
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So far the company at dinner had been well behaved, although Remus was wary of being lulled into a false sense of security. Harry and Ginny had also been invited; making it obvious that Hermione and Ron’s failure to invite Severus had not been a mere oversight. Remus had taken some comfort from Severus’ tendency to treat the children’s (and he still thought of them that way, marriage and mortgages notwithstanding) machinations with tolerance. It had been a revelation to hear the man offering excuses for their snub. Perhaps Severus Snape was finally mellowing? He smiled with an overwhelming feeling of fondness; he couldn’t wait to get back home and slip into bed beside him.
“Private joke?” Harry’s voice cut into his thoughts and Remus turned his attention back to the table.
“Hm? No, no – just thinking about Severus,” he answered. Let’s see what they do with that little confession, he thought. No one had asked after the man when he’d arrived, again an obvious clue to what was coming.
The four of them glanced at each other as if seeking agreement before Harry took a deep breath and said, “About Snape, um, actually we’d like to ask you about him, Remus,” Harry began.
Remus cut in. “Actually, Harry,” he stressed the word pointedly, “If you wouldn’t mind, since we’re all on first name basis here, it’s Severus.”
Harry swallowed, looking startled. “Right. About Severus, then; is he living with you now?”
What business is it of yours, he thought. He counted to ten silently, reigning in his indignation.
“Just about. He’s still spending a bit of time at Spinner’s End: the downstairs lab isn’t finished yet,” Remus finally replied, pleased at his level voice.
“It’s all a bit quick, isn’t it?” Hermione commented. “I mean, you’ve only been divorced for a few months.”
He shrugged, striving for calm. “Things with Tonks were falling apart long before we separated, Hermione,” he explained patiently. “When Severus and I started seeing each other it felt like finding a missing piece of myself.” He paused, realising the truth of what he’d just said, quite off the cuff.
“But… he’s a bloke,” Ron broke in.
Remus smiled. “Ye-es.”
“And Tonks was… a woman.”
Remus looked at Ron unflinchingly. “Quite right, Ron. She still is, I believe.”
Ginny snorted. “Yeah, brilliant deduction, Ron.”
Ron’s mouth quirked up and Remus was pleased to see that he had retained his ability to laugh at himself.
“I think what you don’t understand is how I can be attracted to both sexes?”
Ron blushed. Remus assumed it was the word ‘sex’ that had affected him so alarmingly. How could someone be a married man and still blush at that word, he wondered.
“Well,” he took a deep breath and made a decision. “What I’ve come to realise recently is that I’m homosexual. I’ve been in denial, or rather I’d suppressed that part of myself so well that it took me quite by surprise when I became attracted to Severus.”
“But you seemed happy with Tonks,” Harry said, still confused.
“I thought that I was. Things began to change when she wanted to have a baby,” he explained.
“Don’t you want children though? I thought…”
“I do, Hermione. But I’m infertile.”
“Oh, of course. I’m sorry, Remus,” she said.
“Tonks wanted to have a child the traditional way,” he explained.
“You mean…? But – why not use a potion so that the child could be yours as well?” Hermione queried with a frown.
He shrugged again. “It was her wish that the baby be conceived by natural means. I didn’t really feel that I had much say in the matter other than picking the man who would father the baby.”
“You chose Snape,” Ron stated with certainty.
“Severus,” he corrected.
“Yeah, sorry – Severus.”
“Yes, I did.” Remus sighed. “And the rest is history. My straight life suddenly crumbled and I realised a lot of things that I’d always believed about myself weren’t really true.”
“What things?” Harry asked, his voice calmer now.
“Well, I began having flashbacks, and dreams about Sirius,” Remus began, wondering if Harry was ready to hear the rest, “and I had to acknowledge that I’d felt far more than just friendship for him. I could see that I’d lied to myself about my feelings for my oldest friend,” he finished. The pain is gone, he thought with a small jolt of surprise; I can say it out loud and it doesn’t hurt anymore.
“Oh, Remus,” Hermione breathed, practically oozing empathy and caring.
He’s right, Severus is right about them. They just want the best for me.
“I can see now that you’ve been concerned for me,” he said, looking at each of them in turn. “But, if you would try to get to know Severus, without being blinded by your preconceptions, I’m sure you will understand why I’m perfectly happy with him; that I’ve never been more content in my life!”
Hermione met his gaze, nodding slowly; Harry looked thoughtful; Ginny quirked a smile at him and Ron just raised his eyebrows and scarfed down his sticky date pudding as if the question was settled.
Remus smiled and stood up. “I’ve had a very enjoyable evening. Dinner was delicious, Hermione, Ron,” he sketched a small bow to his hosts. “And it was lovely to you, Ginny, after such a long time. Harry…” he slapped his ersatz godson on the shoulder. “Don’t be a stranger. And that goes for you all. You’re welcome at any time at The Hovel.”
Hermione and Harry stood and followed him to the door and Ron brought his cloak from the hallstand.
“I imagine it’s a rather grand hovel after your renovations,” Hermione commented.
He nodded. “Actually, it’s a home now.”
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X.
Remus struggled to master his feelings; it wouldn’t do to convey his pity to these children: they had already been through enough. Orphaned or abandoned during the conflict with Voldemort, he was sure that any small equilibrium they had managed to achieve would be shaken by an overt expression of distress on his part. He glanced at Snape, observing his inscrutable expression and knowing him well enough to be certain that the man was just as shocked and moved by the children’s condition.
The Children’s Shelter should have been a busy, noisy hubbub of activity. There should be kids running and playing, shouting and laughing, but instead the place was disturbingly quiet. The children spoke softly, some played with toys but others just sat staring apathetically at the floor.
How the hell were they supposed to choose just one?
He caught Snape’s eye and tried to express his despair non-verbally. The frown-crease between Snape’s brows deepened. “Two, no more,” he responded quietly.
Remus sighed gustily. It still wasn’t enough, but it was a definite improvement over one.
“Thank you,” he whispered.
Merlin! Which of you poor little buggers gets to be saddled with us?
He squatted down at the edge of the dismal group, waiting to see if any of them responded to him. Snape stood aloof, observing the scene impassively.
A little girl peeked up at him with wide, solemn eyes.
A toddler of indeterminate gender gazed at him unblinkingly from a rickety playpen, a wooden toy rolling unheeded out of its hands.
Remus looked up at Snape. He was struggling not to weep. The look in Snape’s eyes changed, becoming tortured for a moment as his eyes met Remus’, then the impenetrable curtain descended once more.
Remus looked back at the toddler who still gazed at him, seemingly transfixed. How long had it been since these children had seen anyone other than their carers? Something about the child’s face looked familiar – the grey eyes, white-blond hair, though it may darken over time; the child didn’t even look two years old yet.
Malfoy!
Remus darted a glance at Snape and read the same shock of recognition on his face as he studied the child. Snape turned to find the director of the shelter, striding off to speak with him about his suspicions no doubt. The child’s eyes shifted from Remus to follow the swirl of Snape’s dark robes.
He hid a smile and moved to sit cross-legged on the floor. The little girl was glancing his way again and fidgeting with a tatty-looking doll. Remus thought she might be trying to get up enough courage to approach him. There was a small boy sitting in the corner that he hadn’t really noticed before. It seemed obvious now that the boy was quite deliberately trying not to be noticed. He had pulled his shirt down over his knees, which were drawn up under his chin. The boy’s face was all but hidden behind his kneecaps, just the top of his messy head and his eyes were visible. Those eyes met his now and skittered away before he could decide what colour they were.
Snape rustled as he knelt beside him. Remus’ eyebrows rose in question.
“No record of her parents exists. She was abandoned outside the Shelter two weeks after Voldemort fell.”
It was a little girl! He looked back at the toddler – yes, he could see her as she would be in another year, maybe in a dress with her hair grown out slightly? It didn’t matter: she could spend all her days in jeans and muddy boots if she wanted to.
He shared a look with Snape, his mind made up. Snape smirked at him.
“That’s one, my dear werewolf,” he murmured.
Remus looked with regret at the little girl who had been glancing his way. She would manage; he could see now that she wasn’t too badly damaged. He nodded in the direction of the boy hiding in his shirt.
“Are you sure?” Snape asked, his voice expressing his misgivings.
“He needs us,” he replied simply. This wasn’t going to be easy.
“That’s two then.”
“Three?”
“Let’s make sure we can deal with these two first, hmm?”
“Yes, you’re right. I wish we could take them all, Severus.”
He felt a hand squeeze his shoulder.
“I know.”
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They'd finished signing a veritable ton of papers. Adoption was a rare thing in the wizarding world; there was usually a shortage of children and there were simply no spares to go around. The war had changed that and wizarding society had been slow to adapt to the new circumstances. There were doubtless childless couples that would adopt if it were seen as a socially acceptable alternative.
Well, bugger ‘socially acceptable’, he thought, following the director back into the playroom and thinking that describing it as a playroom wasn’t entirely accurate. His heart ached for the children they were going to leave behind. The director gestured for him to pick up the baby girl from the playpen. Snape moved over to the boy crouched in the corner, who responded by ducking his head even further down behind his knees, leaving only the top of his head visible. Remus had qualms about whether Severus could coax an emotionally damaged child into trusting him, but he was soon distracted by the solid little bundle in his arms.
The baby girl stared at him with eyes so wide it seemed they might pop out of her head. They had to choose a name for her; since the staff had stumbled over her on the doorstep six months ago none had been supplied.
"Hello, sweetheart," he greeted her softly, "I'm Remus and I'm going to be your Daddy from now on."
And just like that, he was a father.
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Remus struggled to hang on to the wriggling, slippery toddler he was bathing.
“Honey, just keep… Woops!”
He quickly lifted her head above the water level again. The little girl looked wide-eyed with shock and her eyelashes clumped together and darkened with water. Her bottom lip looked like it was going to start a serious Wobble.
“Sorry, sweetheart,” he crooned, moving to support her more securely. His back felt like it would snap any second, but he picked up the washcloth and kept his voice soothing. “Daddy was a right duffer letting you go under the water, wasn’t he?”
His daughter sneezed, the sound so indignant that he chuckled. The little girl looked up at him in vague reproach that he should find it amusing. Remus smiled back at her and laid the washcloth down.
“There, now you’re all clean!”
He carefully lifted the wriggling tot and, holding her in one arm, snagged the large towel from the nearby chair and wrapped it around her. Thus burdened he almost walked into the young boy, unable to see him until he was all but on top of him. He swerved and stumbled, letting fly with an un-parent like expletive.
“Bloody hell, Darius! Don’t creep up on me like that! I almost flattened you,” Remus remonstrated, feeling guilty and angry all at once. The guilt flared higher when the boy backed away, blank faced and shaking.
“Darius, it’s okay,” he began, chagrined. “Come back, please!” But the boy had already disappeared.