Comment fic (again, pure crack)
It had been bad enough that Minerva had chosen today to make her little announcement; Remus and Severus had asked to see her specifically so Remus could decline the DADA position in private. The healers at St. Mungo's had finally declared that yes, it was safe for them to tell their friends, but no, teaching a class like Defense was probably not a good idea for the next year.
Now Severus was still reeling from the news that he was adopted. Remus supposed that it was good that he no longer had to think of Toby Snape as his father, but was Binns any better? And just how had a ghost managed to impregnate a human woman?
Probably the same way Severus impregnated me. Magic. Remus pressed both hands to the firm little bulge that had forced him to put expansion charms on all his trousers. At least it explains why he survived that snake bite, being half-ghost and all -
"Remus? Are you well?" Minerva's voice cut through his musings. Remus managed a faint smile.
"Quite. Just a bit of tummy trouble, that's all."
Severus glared at him. "Tummy trouble? I hope he weighs a stone if you're going to refer to him like that in public. Idiot werewolf, why I ever thought you'd - "
"He?" Binns floated toward Remus. "Young man, are you enceinte?"
Minerva gasped, color draining from her face. "Remus?"
Severus smirked and wrapped an arm about Remus' shoulders. One hand joined Remus' to splay posessively over the bulge. "The answer is yes. That's why we're here, Minerva. Remus is pregnant."
Remus blushed and ducked his head as Minerva began asking questions and Binns snorted slightly. "Yes, it was planned, and no, I won't transform until after the birth. I'm due in January, so you can see why I can't teach this year."
"How wonderful!" Minerva - stepped forward and kissed him briskly on the cheek. "I've always wanted grandchildren!"
"Hmph. Seems unnatural to me," said Binns. He eyed Remus up and down, then held out a spectral hand. "I suppose times have changed more than I'd thought. Welcome to the family."
"Thank you," said Remus. He turned to Severus. "See? I told you it would be all right."
"I'll remind you of that when you're in labor," said Severus. His expression softened. "At least he'll have grandparents now - "
"There are some excellent names in my family," interjected Binns. "Cuthbert, Mallory, St. John, Iphicles, Philoctetes - "
"Iphicles?"
"And what about my family?" exclaimed Minerva. "Seamus, Cormac, Columbine, Jamie - "
"Seamus and Jamie are the same name, woman. As my great-uncle Altasren would say - "
"Altasren? They are not naming him after that reprobate!"
Severus rolled his eyes as the bickering continued. "I can see why they didn't stay together," he murmured.
"So can I," Remus murmured back. "When should we tell them we're naming him Alex?"