A/N Many thanks to blpaintchartfor the brit pick and beta. She is wonderful. Yes, the timeline is wonky; the Millennium Bridge did not exist in 1999 and was virtually unusable until 2004.
Severus sipped his drink as the music blared around him. Muggle whiskey wasn’t bad, and the effect was the same as Firewhiskey. It was a Monday night, and he stood alone at the bar in a gay, Muggle club. The music changed, and now ‘Like a Virgin’ resounded in his head. Oh brilliant, exactly what he needed to hear, exactly what he was trying to rid himself of. Obviously, he had wanted to divest himself of that particular stigma previously, the brewing of certain potions not withstanding. He had the theoretical knowledge, but lacked the practical experience and in this case one was no substitute for the other.
This latest song brought out the youngest patrons; gyrating madly and looking nothing like virgins. He didn’t think he wanted someone young. Mentally he admonished himself, it really didn’t matter his preferences, what mattered was being rid of this nuisance before Friday. Friday when he had an actual date, a date with Lupin; no - Remus he corrected himself. A date he’d wanted for years. A date that could lead to more dates, and possibly sex and well he didn’t want to think too far ahead. He knew the voice in his head just sounded like that of a giddy teenager, but this might be another sign that the worst bits of his life were, in fact, finally over.
Perhaps this was the wrong club, everyone was so young. Or worst still, he felt old older than his years undoubtedly. They were quite wonderful to watch, lithe bodies writhing in time to the music, switching partners with out batting an eye. Two drinks later he was still watching, he wasn’t approached by anyone and he hadn’t approached anyone either. Chalk up one failure, he needed to go home, have a wank and get some sleep.
Morning arrived much too early, he slipped into his best teaching robes and left for the Ministry. He was temporarily working with the Aurors tracking down Death Eaters. It appeared to him that he did the bulk of the tracking as they waited around for the information. He was, however, grateful not to be involved in the actual capture or battle as it were, and the pay was certainly top notch. Puzzling out the logic or illogic of certain Death Eaters had its’ appeal, much like a chess game or war strategy.
He was stashing away money at a rapid rate so he would have options when this position ended. Opening a mail-order potions business held a certain attraction, as did potions research, but now that the war was over he was considering becoming a chef or a librarian. Could one actually radically change careers at thirty-nine? He hoped no one was watching as he smirked at this thought; after all, if one could contemplate loosing their virginity at thirty-nine one could probably do anything.
Last night he’d probed the barman for information on other gay clubs. He’d been rewarded with a treasure trove of information, including locations where easily accessible rent boys lingered. The barman’s comments on his wardrobe had been less appreciated. The man had told him the dark, broody look could work some places, but he could use some jewelry. Severus barely refrained from asking him if a bloody Order of Merlin would suffice. Not that a Muggle would have a clue what it was, and that bit of metal was too gaudy by half to ever be worn.
Tonight, he again donned his black denims, but this time paired them with a charcoal button down shirt leaving only the top button undone. His physical scars from Nagini were fading, but they were visible with that button open. No. He’d leave his collar the way it was, it made the reflection in the mirror somewhat more approachable. Staring again at his throat, perhaps the scars could be a humorous opening gambit about vampires.
This club was more to his liking. Granted the music was quite similar, with much rhythmic thumping. The clientele were older, too. Within the first hour it became apparent that most men here tonight were already paired off. One man approached him and Severus had dispatched him immediately, before remembering it didn’t matter that the man was so small he looked breakable. This was, after all, only for one encounter. As he contemplated his third drink, it occurred to him that losing ones virginity, as a heterosexual was relatively straightforward. Heterosexuals were dealing with one cock and one opening, gay sex involved two cocks and two openings. Did one have to be the giver and the recipient to be considered a non-virgin? Suddenly this all seemed very complicated. He tossed his drink back and went home.
Severus returned to Spinner’s End to find he had an urgent owl from the Ministry. Just as well he hadn’t participated in any debauchery. There would be a hefty bonus for working outside normal business hours. One of the Death Eater’s taken into custody today had downed a potion, and slipped into a coma. The healers at St. Mungo’s weren’t familiar with the potion; they’d requested that Severus try to identify it. He, of course, knew exactly what it was as he’d invented and brewed it. The dunderhead who had downed it had taken at least a triple dose. After that was sorted out, Severus went home. It was three o’clock in the morning. He wouldn’t be getting much sleep tonight.
Wednesday had been grueling. Kingsley had forced him to patent the potion that the Death Eater had taken, and then promptly restricted its use to the Auror section. Happily, it would mean additional monies for him, but the process had been positively mind-numbing. Severus dressed in the clothes he’d worn Monday, open and receptive be damned. He was chilled, and his black jumper was warmer. Tonight, he was headed to a pub that had live music. He deduced that would be an incentive for people to come out mid-week.
This club was not much different from the previous two. The crowd appeared to be more of a mix of ages. This might possibly just work. He watched the throng carefully as he tasted his first drink, nursing it a bit while waiting for the band to begin. His second was slipped in front of him with the band’s second song. The barman indicated the person who’d provided the drink. Severus nodded and stared at his drink. He must have looked down too hard or too long because suddenly his head snapped up; he’d been about to fall asleep. Glancing quickly up he scanned the bar for the man who’d sent the drink; he wasn’t there. Severus looked around the pub, no luck. Another missed opportunity. His limbs felt like lead, and as much as he wanted to finish this tonight; what he really needed was sleep. He shivered. It was time for bed, alone again. He still had tomorrow.
Thursday night, it was already Thursday night. He was back in his jumper and jeans. The pub he’d chosen was another that was supposed to be an older crowd. It had taken him all of five seconds to decide that one drink would be more than enough here. Everyone was wearing some form of leather, and he wasn’t talking shoes. They had whips, chains, handcuffs, riding crops, and half a dozen items he could not name. If there had been handicrafts, it would have looked like one of the Dark Lord’s pre-orgy parties. Those parties he had always ducked out of before they were in full swing, brewing had always an excellent excuse. He gulped the last of his drink. Rent boys it would have to be then.
He was three blocks over from the street that the first barman had indicated was a good location to scout for this particular quarry. As Severus walked down the street he could see the boys in the distance loitering under street lights some in groups of two and three. The first one he got close to was facing away from him. The boy or man had lovely long white-blonde hair and a slight frame. This was it. He tapped the man’s shoulder, and found himself face to face with Draco Malfoy. He almost gasped aloud. Severus had had no idea they boy was destitute. He could have offered him a room and board.
“You are coming with me, and you are not to do this again.” Severus spoke without preamble.
“Severus. This is not what it looks like.”
“Your clothing is all but see-through, your pants are so tight one can see every twitch of your private bits….” Before Severus could finish Harry Potter interrupted him.
“He’s right. It isn’t what seems, Professor.” Harry paused. “We were just role-playing. Er. Um. You know a sex thing. Ah. Well. You know, to spice up our sex life.”
Since when did teenage boys need their sex life spiced up? His psyche had been scarred more in this moment than in all his time with the Dark Lord. It was entirely delicious that Lucius’ son was gay as a picnic basket and flaunting it. Lucius, himself, had married despite his own tendencies, and spent years fucking other men on the side. Molly Weasley was no doubt campaigning to get Potter back for her only daughter so they could produce legions of red headed terrors. Yes, all very tasty and satisfying, but he was still a virgin.
Severus nodded. “My apologies, gentlemen.” Then he Apparated home.
Two Firewhiskeys later, Severus capped the bottle, and went to the kitchen to make tea. He was out of ideas and time. Finishing his cuppa he dumped the cup in the sink. He needed a shower and a wank. The whiskey and tea hadn’t removed from his brain the thought that Draco and Potter were at this moment somewhere fucking like rabbits.
Friday morning dawned bright and sunny. He did not need that this morning. Bright and sunny meant cheery people at work. He required some puppies to kick, where was Black when you needed him? Dead, of course. The day went barmy from there. Severus detected someone in the men’s loo using Polyjuice Potion. After spending hours investigating that discovery, he had uncovered a Death Eater working at the Ministry. He was Thorfinn Rowle. The man had taken the place of the Wizard he’d killed, and slipped directly back into society. Just as the paperwork was finished, Bill Weasley turned up with a rock mouse. Bill had been in Egypt again, and this mouse was lurking around the site the curse team had been working. The mouse wasn’t indigenous to that part of Africa so Bill had cautiously tried a few spells on it. When they had no effect, Bill trapped the mouse and brought it directly to the Ministry.
Oh, joy another Pettigrew-like Death Eater. The rock mouse was warded safely in a cage as they awaited its transformation. Rowle was in Azkaban awaiting trial. All in all a productive day, but too long Severus now only had forty-five minutes before Remus came to get him for dinner.
He showered and scrubbed his hair vigorously. Really, there was nothing to worry about. How many people actually shagged on a first date? That’s right. He had time. Another thought struck him, what if they were overwhelmed with passion. Then he snorted. Oh yes, that was likely to happen, right about the time blood sucking bugbear’s flew.
Remus picked him up promptly at six. They Apparated to a Muggle area near St. Paul’s.
Remus directed them to a bistro, with a lovely garden. The small table they were seated at overlooked it. Remus deferred to Severus to choose the wine. Severus picked a house red and ordered a carafe with two glasses. The waiter poured them each a first glass before taking their orders.
Remus listened intently to Severus’ stories of life at the Ministry. Their fingers brushed over the exchange of more wine. That was bad, tingly and enchanting but bad. Remus’ own stories involved a Muggle shop of sorts where people came to cook half a dozen dinners at a time, and not make a mess in their own kitchens. It didn’t make sense to Severus, but Remus appeared happy to be employed. A few lingering war questions were answered on both sides but then the balance of the dinner conversation continued as before. The food was good quality. The dessert was excellent. Remus suggested they take a stroll on the walking bridge over the Thames. London sparkled in the night, and the lights shimmered on the Thames. The walk had been quite the right thing after the meal.
Remus asked him to attend an outdoor concert the next Wednesday evening. Severus accepted without hesitation. Their walk, finally, ended when they returned to their original Apparation point. Remus wrapped his arms around Severus and Apparated them together. They walked up the pathway to Severus’ front door, Remus’ hand brushing his own as they went. At the door Remus thanked him for the lovely evening. The man used the wordlovely. Remus reached a hand up and touched Severus’ face, pressing their lips together in a light kiss. Severus stiffened and stepped back.
“Oh, um sorry, Severus. Good night.”
Severus saw the regret in Remus’ eyes a split second before he turned and sprinted off the porch. It was just a kiss. Remus didn’t even have his tongue out. That went swimmingly didn’t it? The date had been wonderful until he’d overreacted. Certainly Remus wouldn’t have ravished him in front of the neighbors. Merlin, he was an idiot. Without so much as turning the lights on, he went upstairs, stripped and got into bed.
The weekend brought various errands and chores. Severus completed them with his usual efficiency. He thought about his virginity a few times, but the week had been exhausting mentally and physically. He would just live with it until Monday. There were other issues crowding into his head, he doubted he’d even have a date with Remus on Wednesday after his performance on the porch.
It had been a long day and the clock was threatening nine. It had taken three days, but the mouse had finally revealed himself after four; there’d been plenty of questions and paperwork to fill out. He had picked up Chicken Tikka Masala and pilau rice for dinner on his way home. There, an owl greeted him. Absently he fed the bird at least half the naan bread and a few pieces of chicken. Severus didn’t want to open the letter, the Ministries messages were always clearly marked, and he’d already confirmed his meeting with Minerva for tea next Saturday. This could only be from Remus. He wasn’t cowardly; he just needed to eat first. After that he finished his notes on two of the Death Eater investigations he was working on, then he finished reading the last chapter of his book. Clearly, it was now time for tea and a biscuit before bed. He wasn’t prevaricating; he was just busy. The tea was steeping as he turned the letter over in his hands, finally ripping it open almost violently.
Severus,
Thank you for your company Friday night. I’m terribly sorry about our little misunderstanding. We can certainly put it behind us. If you’re still interested, we could attend the concert together.
Regards,
Remus
Severus wrote back.
Lupin,
Wednesday will be acceptable.
SS
That’s what his quill wrote; his brain said it wasn’t a misunderstanding, I’m an idiot and I wanted to be kissed. Laying in bed he worried, no contemplated why Remus hadn’t approached him before now. The war had been over more than a year. Teddy Lupin had turned out to be Teddy Weasley, which had been sorted out straight away. What had taken Remus this long? Was Severus the ‘Wizard of Last Resort’? He forcefully shoved those thoughts away; his brain was muzzy with sleep.
Tuesday and Wednesday were equally frantic at the Ministry. Severus had staff meetings and he had to make several statements in front of the Wizengamot. Last night’s dinner had been leftovers; tonight’s was apparently going to be nothing. Remus was due any minute and Severus was still dressing. He slipped into denims and a finely woven cotton knit sweater, midnight blue, and pushed up the sleeves. With a quick glance in the mirror Severus admitted he looked presentable, for a thirty-nine year old virgin his mind echoed.
Remus arrived, picnic basket on his arm. They Apparated to an alley and walked the short block to the park. Remus had thoughtfully provided wine, sandwiches, small cups of salad, and the most sinful chocolate, caramel, walnut, and coconut squares for afters. The music and conversation were pleasant. Remus popped up first when the music ended and offered Severus a hand up. He reached up and grasped it. The hand that pulled him up was: strong, firm, slightly calloused, and warm. Their hands released as he rose to his feet. Remus nodded toward the street and they walked back to the alley. Severus needed something to let Remus know that their kiss truly hadn't been a mistake. He hesitantly reached over and grasped Remus' hand lightly. Remus' eyes turned to his, searching their amber depths glowing. Neither said a word.
Severus received a note on Friday.
Severus,
Thank you for accompanying me on Wednesday. If you would be interested I'd like you to join me for the East Anglian Medieval Fayre on the 19th. In answer to your next question, period dress is not required.
Remus
After several failed attempts Severus replied.
Remus,
I accept your invitation.
SS
The day of the Fayre dawned bright and sunny. Severus couldn't complain, perhaps it boded well for the balance of the day. He hurried through his chores and errands; Remus was to pick him up at three. Thankfully, Remus was prompt, again. Severus was grateful for his punctuality, as he had begun pacing fifteen minutes earlier. He had made no attempts in the last couple of weeks to rid himself of his virginity, and suddenly today it seemed to be a grave oversight.
The Fayre was held at Cressing Temple, a lovely site that gave the proceedings a very authentic air. They watched an amazing group of bowmen, and an even more impressive group of swordsmen. There were fighting knights and group of fairly drunken rogues pretending to thieve their way through the crowd. The walked and talked. Remus touched his hand or shoulder occasionally as they looked about. Severus almost laughed as the wolf picked out the largest duck drumstick to eat. They washed their rustic meal down with huge tankards of ale, and finished with an uncomplicated baked apple studded with nuts and sultanas.
Severus shivered at the change in the wind, while the dark clouds looming on the horizon were suddenly overhead. They could see the rain coming down in sheets as it moved toward them. Remus grabbed Severus and pulled him close as he Apparated them away before they could be caught in the deluge. They arrived in Remus' lounge dry as a bone.
Remus tipped his head back to look into Severus' eyes. Severus didn't know what the man had seen there, but a gentle kiss ensued. Followed by several more kisses and they made their way, awkwardly together, to the sofa. The kisses deepened and Severus felt flushed. It was surprisingly easy to be carried away by the searing kisses and the solid weight pressing against him. The kisses continued, Severus sighed as Remus touched his face and then twined his hand through his inky hair. Buttons were opened on both shirts. Severus tentatively kissed the now exposed throat and gently stroked Remus' collarbone. A very responsive growl rumbled forth.
Severus pulled away and sat up abruptly, with shaky fingers he tried to re-button his shirt.
“Severus, are you all right?”
He snorted.
“I’m sorry. Did I go too fast?” Remus asked as he did up his own shirt.
Severus rose from the sofa, and Remus was right behind him grasping at his hand.
“Severus wait.”
Severus pulled from his hand. Remus reached an arm across Severus’ chest and pulled him back. “I’ll let you go.” Severus tried to pull away. “Just, please stop and talk to me for a minute." He paused. "Please?”
Severus stopped his struggle while his mind raced. What could he possibly say? How did you tell someone at almost forty you were still a virgin? Why hadn't he just run or Apparate out of here as fast as he could? Why did the kisses and warm coaxing hands make the blood still thrum in his veins? He felt Remus’ hand gentle on his shoulder.
“Severus, was I mistaken? I didn’t mean to rush you or try to do something you didn’t want at all.” Remus’ face and voice filled with concern.
Severus pinched the bridge of his nose with his fingers. “Lupin. It’s just….I have never…” Oh, Merlin why were these words coming out of his mouth? Severus tipped his face down to let his hair partially cover his face, as he did that he felt Remus hand slide down to warmly clasp his bicep. He could hear Remus take a deep breath.
“Never!” Remus said slowly, shock evident in his voice. “I see." Remus paused again; Severus could see him searching for the correct words. "And you want to remain untouched? I understand. There are entire volumes of Potions texts that include Potions that can only be brewed by virgins…..”
“Shut up, Lupin.”
Remus kept right on babbling. “Severus, virgin or not you should be able to tell the person you’re in involved with what you want to do, if there’s something you’ve never done before, or if there are things you never want to try. There's no right or wrong way to do this as long as both parties agree. It's about what's right for you, when it's right for you. ”
“Lupin.” Severus pleaded.
“Let’s go to the kitchen. I’ll make us some tea, and then take you home.”
“I’m not a five year old to be placated with tea, and I’m certainly old enough to get myself home.”
Remus sighed. “When it’s the right person and you’re ready. It will be fine.”
“READY! I’ve been ready for decades.”
There was silence for a moment except for the clinking of mugs and spoons. Remus spoke sounding unexpectedly weary "But I'm not the right person."
Severus did what he felt he should have done in the first place. He Apparated home. He stalked to the kitchen to put on the kettle. Was he really such and idiot or perhaps just a coward? His favorite mug hit the wall and shattered before he could stop himself from throwing it. He sat down hard. Minutes perhaps hours passed as he sat. Eventually, a tapping on the window roused him. He recognized Remus' owl. The letter would no doubt shine new light on his stupidity. At least he knew he wasn't a coward as he opened the parchment immediately.
Severus,
First, I need to know that you are all right. I'm certain you were uncomfortable with your admission; I won't repeat it to anyone, by the way. I'm sorry if my actions ruined our most enjoyable day.
Hopefully, we can remain or more accurately become friends.
Remus
Severus had just tried to throw away what he wanted. He was going to blame it on nerves and glands; obviously they continued to be affected by Nagini's venom. With a Slytherin gleam in his eye he Apparated back to Remus', he bloody well wasn't going to miss this opportunity. Severus knocked with a bit more confidence than he actually felt.
"Severus?"
"I turned down an invitation. Is it still open?"
"Of course." Remus stepped back to let Severus in. "Would you prefer cake or cheese with you tea?"
Severus looked at his shoes as he cheeks colored bright pink. "Not that invitation."
Remus gasped, and then a small smile played on his lips. "If you're certain."
Apparently, Severus was going to have to take matters in his own hands if he was to convince the werewolf he was certain. Grabbing Remus' hand he pulled him toward the stairs.
Remus chucked. "All right." He sighed for effect. "Give a man the slightest encouragement, and you get manhandled."
Severus snorted at that and wiggled his hips in what he hoped was a flirtatious manner. "Manhandled? Is that what they call it now?"
Remus was almost growling now. "I don’t care what you call it as long was we are naked together, and you continue to be a saucy flirt."
Saucy. Severus rather liked that. Naked that made him wince. He reassured himself it was Remus, he would make even this first time all right.