Bring me the nastiest colours known to humanity (blpaintchart) wrote in lupin_snape, @ 2008-01-22 22:19:00 |
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“Well this is cosy.”
“Indeed. Quite the charming domestic arrangement.”
“Does it make you uncomfortable, Severus?”
“Not particularly, although I’d be more comfortable it you removed your sodding foot from my stomach.”
“Sorry. Better?”
“Infinitely.”
“Good. Fancy a quickie, then?”
“Hmmm, that sounds... acceptable. Follow me.”
“Where?”
“To the bedroom.”
“No!”
“What? Don’t tell me you’ve changed your mind already?”
“I didn’t mean in bed.”
“Didn’t you?”
“No. I want a quickie here.”
“I see.”
“You and me. On the floor. Now.”
“Ah, I believe I understand what this is all about.”
“Oh, do you?”
“Indeed. My little wolf wants to roll about on his new rug.”
“Not just roll, I’ll have you know. I intend to fuck you. Fuck you until your nose bleeds!”
“Hmmm. Interesting.”
“On your hands and knees, Severus.”
“And if I don’t feel like it?”
“I said hands and knees. Now.”
“Well, my mate wants to let the Alpha wolf out to play!”
“That’s right. Don’t force me to demonstrate my Alpha credentials.”
“Hmmm, that sounds alive with possibility.”
“Now now, Severus. We shall have less innuendo and more respect. Consider who you’re talking to. It is I, Remus John Lupin!”
“You do surprise me.”
“That’s no way to talk to your mate for life.”
“Then perhaps I shouldn’t have chosen a mate who sounds suspiciously like a pantomime villain.”
“Are you goading me?”
“What do you think, Abanazar?”
“Oh dear. Severus, you should know better than to take that tone with an irate werewolf.”
“Should I?”
“Yes. Or need I remind you that you’re looking at the slayer of the most dreaded and vicious werewolf, Fenrir Greyback.”
“Ah, yes. I thought that might have something to do with it.”
“Come on, assume the position!”
“Oh, very well. If it’ll stop you from twirling your moustache.”
“But I don’t have a moustache anymore.”
“I meant figuratively, dunce. Is this position acceptable?”
“Mmmm, lovely.”
“Good. Well get on with it. This wolfskin rug is surprisingly scratchy on the knees.”
“Well, he may be scratchy, but you have to admit Greyback is much more likeable as a pelt.”
“True. Such a pity he wasn’t able to see his destiny.”
“Ha! Wouldn’t he have been furious? You know how much he hated the likes of us fudge-packers!”
“Indeed. I believe he once called me a pillow-biting pillock.”
“Did he? The bastard. That’s just plain wrong. There’s nothing in the least bit pillocky about you, love.”
“Well, quite. I suggest we make full use of his unenlightened and sorry hide. I shall enjoy getting his fur all crunchy.”
“You are evil sometimes.”
“Ex Death-Eater, remember? It comes with the title.”
“Mmmm. I love you. Hang on a sec whilst I just wriggle out of these, and undo this for you...”
“Lupin?”
“Mmmm, yes?”
“I thought you wanted a quickie.”
“That’s the idea, my delectable, dark doll.”
“I see. Well in that case we have two slight problems: firstly, why in the name of Salazar’s semen are you arsing about with the niceties of undressing, when you could simply hitch up my robes and be getting on with the business?”
“Good point! And secondly?”
“Secondly, if you ever dare to call me a doll again you must be prepared to die in the most untidy and humiliating way known to wizard kind.”
“Well, I appreciate the warning, my love.”
“We’ll have a bit less of that, too.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
“Apology accepted. Shall we commence?”
“Yes please. So, where were we?”
“Assuming the position, I believe.”
“That’s right. Brace yourself, I’m coming in!”
“Good afternoon, gentlemen!”
“Now, that wasn’t what I had in mind at all.”
“What the sodding fuck..?”
“Come come, Severus...”
“He was trying to.”
“...that’s no way to greet an old friend!”
“We have better friends in my Grindylow tank.”
“Delighted to see you too, Mr Lupin. Although it would appear that something is pleased to see me!”
“This is not for your benefit, Lucius.”
“Pity. Careful though, you could have someone’s eye out with that.”
“What do you want?”
“Is nobody going to offer to brush the soot from my cloak?”
“Bugger you, Malfoy.”
“Ah, not just now thank you, wolf. I’m more than happy to wait my turn.”
“Very droll, Lucius.”
“I thought so. So, no welcoming glass of claret?”
“Not until you explain what the bloody hell you are doing in our living room.”
“Tsk! No need to be so tetchy Severus. I’m merely paying you, and your companion here, a social call.”
“I’d hardly describe an uninvited and unexpected visit as a social call.”
“Semantics, Severus. I see I find you pedantic as ever.”
“Correction, Lucius. You find me sexually thwarted, and therefore liable to fly into a rage of Voldemortian proportions at any moment.”
“You can’t mean that. I am here to while away a pleasant afternoon in your company.”
“Well forgive me if we don’t appear overjoyed; we were not expecting visitors.”
“Judging by the revealing angle of your robes, that is quite obvious!”
“That’s enough. I’ll have to ask you to leave, Malfoy.”
“Indeed?”
“Yes. My mate here requires my urgent and undivided attention.”
“I take it you are referring to the... ah... delivery round the tradesman’s entrance which I seem to have interrupted.”
“Malfoy, I will not allow you to speak of either my mate or myself in those terms. Out. Now!”
“Aha! So it is true what they say about the steel beneath the cardigan?”
“What? Who says? Hang on; has someone been talking about me?”
“Well, don’t you know?”
“Know what, Malfoy?”
“Why, the whole wizarding world is aflame with the news.”
“Meaning?”
“Oh, but I can’t believe you didn’t know!”
“Lucius, you should be well aware that we value our privacy away from wizard kind, so kindly stop playing games, say your piece, and leave.”
“No claret?”
“Oh. If you insist.”
“Thank you. Your health! Well, it happens that the latest talk in all civilized circles concerns Mr Lupin.”
“Ah, so that’s why we’re being honoured with your visit.”
“Just so. I come to congratulate your pet.”
“And by ‘pet’, I assume you mean my mate?”
“Possibly. As I was saying, I believe the world is indebted to your Mr Lupin here for ridding it of a particularly loathsome creature. No offence meant.”
“None taken, Malfoy.”
“So it is true then? You are responsible for the culling of Greyback?”
“Yes, I am.”
“And is the rumour correct that you killed him with your bare hands?”
“Well, they were more like paws at the time, but yes.”
“Extraordinary!”
“Indeed he is.”
“Am I to believe that this pelt is all that remains of the monster?”
“It certainly is. Now, if you will excuse us, Lucius, I’d like to spend some private time with my extraordinary man on his furry souvenir.”
“But how, precisely, did he die?”
“Well, I hardly think the details are appropriate to discuss now.”
“On the contrary, Mr Lupin. I, for one, would be fascinated to discover how it happened.”
“It’s something I’d rather not dwell on, if you don’t mind.”
“No? Well, I’m sure Severus is extremely proud of you, so perhaps he will relate the story.”
“It appears you already know about it, Lucius.”
“Indulge me. With the tale. And perhaps more claret.”
“Very well. On the night of the last full moon, Remus apparated to the forest near Greyback’s camp before transformation...”
“Did you go with him, Severus?”
“Of course he didn’t go with me! I was about to change into a bloody werewolf! I’d never put him in danger like that.”
“How noble. So I take it you stayed at home?”
“Obviously.”
“Potions Master and consummate housewife.”
“Well, hexes don’t simply invent themselves, you know.”
“Quite. So I assume Mr Lupin transformed and then went in pursuit of the beast?”
“Something like that.”
“That must have been terribly difficult. Do tell.”
“Lucius, when precisely did you swap personalities with Rita Skeeter?”
“I just find it rather interesting. Don’t you?”
“Tracking Greyback down was relatively simple. You see, once I’m in wolf form, my senses are heightened.”
“All of them?”
“Yes.”
“Well, that must be very stimulating. Is it, Severus?”
“I refuse to rise to the bait.”
“Pity. That’s certainly not the kind of response I was expecting from a wolf’s mate.”
“Anyway, Greyback was hardly difficult to find, the stinking, snarling brute.”
“Indeed. I imagine he is quite the fearsome adversary?”
“You could say that, Malfoy. I was lucky that my Alpha instincts provided me with stamina and aggression.”
“So you tackled him alone?”
“Yes. Wolf on wolf. He didn’t stand a chance.”
“That must have been incredibly exciting to watch; all claws and teeth and suchlike!”
“I suppose you could say that.”
“So were there any witnesses?”
“Not as such, no.”
“None?”
“Er... no.”
“Not even any passengers, Mr Lupin?”
“Ah.”
“What are you implying, Lucius?”
“I believe your little wolf may need to refresh his memory somewhat.”
“Oh.”
“Meaning?”
“I was under the impression that the Knight Bus was in the vicinity at the time, was it not?”
“Oh dear.”
“What does he mean, Lupin?”
“Come come; don’t say you’ve been hiding your talents from Severus?”
“I... er...”
“Lupin?”
“I’m not sure about your wolf’s tearing and biting skills, but I have it on good authority that when it comes to scarpering from danger, he’s truly world class.”
“Lupin, what is he talking about?”
“Well, I... er...”
“Cat got your tongue, wolf? Never mind, I’m sure I can remember the details.”
“Out with it, Lucius; I’m losing what little patience I had.”
“Apparently that evening, the passengers on the bus were treated to quite an unusual scene, were they not?”
“Continue, Lucius.”
“Imagine their surprise to see not one, but two drooling, rampaging beastly werewolves... sorry, no offence.”
“Er... none taken.”
“These slavering monsters sprang from the trees; the first one, plainly terrified, was dashing at full speed in order to escape the second. It ran straight across the road in front of the bus.”
“Really?”
“Just so. They say the first beast avoided a collision with the bus by a mere matter of inches. Wouldn’t you call that a close shave, Mr Lupin?”
“I... er...”
“Now, the second wolf, the ferocious Alpha male in pursuit, was not so fortunate. Apparently the driver slammed on his brakes, but this despicable creature had already gone under the wheels. A tragedy for Greyback, but a blessed relief for the rest of us, wouldn’t you say, Mr Lupin?”
“Well, I...”
“Lucius, are you claiming that Greyback met his demise not at the brutal paws of my brave and vengeful mate here, but rather as the result of a highly unlikely traffic accident?”
“Why yes, I suppose I am.”
“I’ve heard enough. Lupin, please give Lucius the true story of your recent foray into pest-control.”
“Ah, now you see, Severus...”
“Yes, Mr Lupin, I’d be delighted if you could fill me in... on any details.”
“Lupin?”
“Oh dear. I’ll come clean!”
“Well, that’s unusual.”
“I meant I’ll confess. Malfoy here is correct.”
“I’m listening.”
“When I said I’d killed Greyback with my own paws, I was bending the truth a tiny bit.”
“And when you say ‘a tiny bit’..?”
“I mean rather a lot. I’d intended to challenge him to a dominance fight, but he was so bloody big and vicious. You wouldn’t believe the size of his teeth, Severus!”
“I probably would. Considering that I can see them from here.”
“What? Oh, yes. I forgot. Anyway, when you’re confronted by a set of choppers like that, it’s flipping scary! You have no idea.”
“I think I do.”
“Oh. Yes. Sorry. So, you see there was only one thing left to do.”
“Which was?”
“Run like fuck.”
“My hero.”
“I managed to swerve off the road, but Greyback wasn’t so lucky.”
“Evidently.”
“Squashed by the Knight Bus.”
“Imagine.”
“Yet surely a werewolf can only be killed by silver or by being torn limb-from-limb by one of its own kind.”
“Oh, are you still here, Lucius?”
“Ah, yes you’re correct, Malfoy.”
“So does that mean that your rug hasn’t fully expired yet? Should I be concerned?”
“No. The curious thing about this accident was that as Greyback passed under the wheels, he knocked the centre exhaust box which snapped from its mountings and penetrated him...”
“Oh, really?”
“Yes. In the heart, Malfoy. Blimey, your mind is even filthier than a teenage boy’s bedroom.”
“Why, thank you.”
“But that wound wouldn’t have killed Greyback unless...”
“It was made by something silver. Which of course it was, Severus. Don’t forget, the exhaust box, and indeed whole chassis of the Knight Bus is fashioned from silver.”
“You seem to know an extraordinary amount about things mechanical.”
“Well, I’m a ‘Top Gear’ fan.”
“I beg your pardon?”
“It’s a muggle television programme. About vehicles.”
“Ah. How fascinating.”
“Lupin has a particular fondness for James May.”
“Understandable, really.”
“Spare me the explanations, please.”
“Very well.”
“Heavens, look at the time! I should be going, and let you two get back to business as it were. I’m sure you have a lot to... ah... discuss with this intimidating Alpha wolf of yours.”
“Indeed I do. Although perhaps ‘Alpha wolf’ is not quite the term I’d use.”
“No?”
“No. I think possibly ‘Labrador puppy’ is more apt.”
“Now, Severus love, there’s no need...”
“Quiet, Lupin!”
“Yes, love.”
“How touching. And Severus, before I leave you two to your wanton wand work or whatnot, I just need to make it clear that if Narcissa asks, the dark green silk brocade corset belongs to you.”
“Naturally.”
“Excellent. You accidently left it on the floor of my bathroom.”
“How unusually careless of me.”
“Wasn’t it? I’m glad we understand each other.”
“Indeed we do, Lucius. Good afternoon.”
“Good afternoon then, gentlemen. Or should I say, master and pup?”
“Well Lupin, wasn’t that an interesting visit?”
“Erm...”
“Yes most illuminating, wouldn’t you say, oh fearsome slayer?”
“Severus, I...”
“Assume the position!”
“That’s not fair.”
“Hands and knees. Now.”
“Oh, please can’t I...”
“No. Arguing with me today would be most unadvisable.”
“But it was my turn to top, and besides, that rug is scratchy.”
“Careful, Lupin. If you continue to take that tone, I may just find myself the proud possessor of two wolfskin rugs.”
“You wouldn’t!”
“Try me.”
“But Severus, I’m your mate. Your mate for life.”
“And?”
“Bloody hell, you would!”
“So, as I was saying; hands and knees. Now, puppy!”
“Yes master.”
“Ah! A charming domestic arrangement indeed.”