enigmalea (enigmalea) wrote in lupin_snape, @ 2008-01-14 11:32:00 |
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Current mood: | nervous |
Snupin Saga
Title: A Severely Shattered Mind, Ch. 1
Author: enigmalea
Pairing: Remus/Severus
Other Characters: Draco, Harry, Teddy... I dunno I mention lots
Rating: PG-13ish? I'm very bad at ratings.
Category: Multi-chaptered fic.
Summary: Severus is broken. Can he ever be pieced back together?
Word Count: approx. 2100
Warnings: Insanity. Mentions of self-mutilation. Character death. General slashiness. General Angst.
Disclaimer: I didn't create them. I'm not making money. I just do this for fun. Please don't sue me.
A/N: This is a multi-chaptered fic in the making. It's been through two readers, though neither are big on spelling and grammar, so if you catch something let me know. The series will eventually become NC-17, so if it's not legal for you to read that rating, you might not want to start it.
It's fairly DH-canon compliant, with my own twists here and there.
His mind was broken. Shattered into a million tiny pieces.
There was very little hope for recovery.
"This is all your fault," Draco bellowed before lunging across the infirmary, knocking Harry to the cold stone floor. The two wrestled, throwing punches, scratching, scrabbling for purchase on necks in an attempt to choke one another out.
It didn't last long; it was only a moment before Minerva and Flitwick had them separated and floating mid-air with precise flicks of their wrists.
Severus observed it all - cold, black eyes seeing, but not comprehending. He sat in silence, until the fighting began; he let out an almost inhuman wail, curled up into a ball, covering his ears, and began to rock back and forth. "Make them stop. Make them stop. Don't let him hurt me. Don't hurt me. Don't hurt me," he mumbled incoherently.
Remus tasted blood. He opened his eyes wearily, blinking back the blurry curtain that had befallen his vision. His lungs gave one great spasm as he coughed, and he realised with some relief the blood he tasted was his own. He sat up, the world lurched, and he promptly emptied his stomach of its contents. He couldn't remember where he was or what he had been doing, but his body didn't ache as it normally did after the change, and for that he was thankful. He just wished he could see clearly.
"Remus?" the voice was timid, but familiar, and it only took Remus a moment to recognise it.
"Harry?" he asked softly. "Where am I?"
"The Great Hall. We... we thought you were dead. Come. Let me help you up."
Remus could barely make out the offered hand. He reached for it, missed, tried again, and succeeded in pulling himself up. He had to lean on Harry and rely on his memory as they made their way to the infirmary. "Harry," he whispered. "I... I can't see much. What happened?"
"We're not sure exactly. The only one with you when you were hit was Tonks and she..."
"Oh." Remus might have cried if he hadn't felt so numb. He might have cried if his tear ducts didn't feel as if they were filled with sand.
All in all the Battle of Hogwarts had gone reasonably well, Remus surmised. There had been casualties, of course, but Light HAD prevailed and Voldemort had been killed and a sort of peace had settled over the wizarding world, in spite of the messy trials and tracking down Death Eaters and sorting out who was actually on what side. He'd eventually regained his vision and his memory. He didn't know what he'd been hit with. It was a spell he didn't recognise and it was cast silently. He'd only just managed to get a shield up in time, and that hadn't actually been what had saved him. His lycanthropy had done that.... with minimal damage. His body had all but shut down in an attempt to heal itself, and it was no wonder his pulse and breathing couldn't be detected. He was lucky they were taking their time sorting through the casualties and hadn't decided where to bury him, yet, when he'd woken up.
There were others, however, who hadn't fared as well. Severus among them.
It was no secret Severus had killed Albus Dumbledore, but what was secret was that it had been on Albus' orders. His true alliance was hidden until the end, when he delivered his memories to Harry. Apparently, he'd even made arrangements to survive the snake bite – plans involving anti-venom, bezoars, blood-replenishing draughts, and house elves. However, the anti-venom hadn't quite worked as Severus had planned, and though the house elf administered everything precisely to the headmaster's orders, some magical-chemical reaction had taken place.
Severus had been plunged into maddening hallucinations, and his mind, already weakened by the intense shielding he'd had to maintain against Voldemort and the memories he'd had to order just so for Harry, simply shattered under the strain of attempting to sort out what was real and what was fake.
When Harry had returned to gather Severus' body, the potions master had wandered off into the Forbidden Forest. The centaurs found him first, and Firenze had ventured in to alert the Order. Hagrid discovered him a day later, naked, starving, dehydrated, and still in the throes of hallucinations, huddled in the clearing where he'd once kept Grawp, deeply enthralled with his attempts at self-mutilation. His periods of pure insanity alternated with complete and total catatonic states.
By the time Remus had reawakened – nearly two days after the battle – Severus had at least remembered what it was to be human, although he had no idea who he was, or who anyone else was, or where he was. At least he no longer picked at his flesh, tore at his hair, screamed in unparalleled pain and fear. He still sometimes lapsed into catatonic states, but Poppy assured them it was to be expected – it was his mind attempting to heal itself.
He was transferred to St. Mungo's... and the wizarding world kept turning.
"I can't just leave him like that," Harry declared, his tone clearly depressed.
Teddy wiggled in Remus' arms, his tiny fists hitting the bottle as he demanded more from it. Remus sighed softly. "I understand the sentiment, Harry, I do, but..."
No, he didn't want Severus to stay as he was, locked in a padded cell, slowly but surely making progress back to sanity. He'd been declared a hopeless case. St. Mungo's didn't know what to do with him; not knowing exactly what had caused Severus' condition, they had no clue what to do to reverse it. His moments of lucidity were inspiring. He'd actually called Harry a dunderhead just the other day and demanded access to his books. Sadly, in the very next breath he'd called Draco Lucius and completely lost his mind screaming about the Dark Ones – whoever or whatever they were.
"He was on our side, Remus. He did it to save us – to save me. All of it. He loved her."
Remus barely refrained from rubbing his forehead and jostling Teddy about. The infant's eyes had slid close, slowly. Severus may have pieced his memories together to appear that way, but Remus Lupin was absolutely certain Severus never had more than brotherly feelings towards Lily Evans. He was certain... because Severus Snape was unequivocally gay.
"What are you doing here, Lupin?" Snape demanded, dark eyes narrowing at Remus suspiciously.
"I... I came to thank you," he stuttered. "For brewing the Wolfsbane."
Snape stepped back from the door, leaving it open, but not quite inviting Remus in. He moved to the small bar in his quarters, withdrew a decanter of brandy, poured half a glass, and took a deep hardy drink. "Shut the door," he snapped. Remus stepped in and shut the door. He wasn't sure whether he was meant to be inside the room or outside the room when he completed the task, but Severus hadn't yet barked at him to get out. "Don't act so gracious, beast; I had little choice. If you think I was about to let a werewolf roam about Hogwarts grounds unchecked – the very same werewolf who nearly ate me – then you are as big an idiot as I am normally forced to teach. Perhaps, rather than searching our hearts for our true measure, the Sorting Hat merely checks our IQ and determines where to put us."
Remus flushed, but recovered quickly. "And what does it say about you, that you weren't placed in Ravenclaw?"
Severus tossed back the rest of his drink and slammed the glass onto the wooden cabinet. He lifted his sleeve, baring the faded, yet still visible Mark on his left arm. "Would anyone of any intelligence let this mar his body?" he snapped.
"You were a child, Severus."
"Fine excuse, Lupin, been rehearsing it long?" he sneered. "I was old enough. Old enough to kill; old enough to torture; old enough to bask in the glory and the power. I wanted it. I wanted to be feared. I wanted to be respected. I wanted..."
"To be noticed. To have someone care. Lily cared..."
"NEVER SPEAK HER NAME AROUND ME AGAIN," he shouted, crossing the room in a few short paces. He leaned forward as he glared up at Remus. "You think you understand me because of the lies a silly little red-headed bint told you?" he stuttered, but the words broke, and he looked away from Remus. He was shaking.
"You... it was no secret you were friends when you first came to Hogwarts. You liked her Severus, and she liked you. She told me..." Remus broke off, afraid to push him further. "This isn't how I expected this to go. I... I just wanted to say thank you."
"Things rarely go the way we want them," Severus replied. He placed his hand on the door next to Remus' head, leaned forward, and kissed him.
"It... it wasn't how you think it was, Harry," Remus said softly. He had finally gotten Teddy to sleep, and he'd just emerged from the nursery.
Harry looked up, confusion etched onto his young face. "I... what wasn't?"
"Your mother and Severus. They were friends, yes, and he cared deeply for Lily, but... he wasn't in love with her," Remus said in his patient way.
"Remus, you've seen the memories..."
"I saw what Severus wanted you to see, yes," Remus admitted. "Harry..." Merlin, Remus didn't want to do this. He didn't want to shatter Harry's perception of his professor, of himself, of the world at large. He didn't want to expose all the lies... and he didn't want to speak ill of the dead. "Severus is gay."
Harry blinked once, twice. "H-he... can't be. He loved my mother."
"Like a sister, yes," Remus began. "It was... an innocent, devotional love, not at all related to anything physical. It was the kind of love shared between siblings or best friends. Severus isn't and never has been attracted to women."
"How can you be so sure?" Harry retorted disbelievingly.
"We... uh.... Harry... I," Remus took a deep breath. "We'd been together since your third year," he admitted. He averted his eyes. He couldn't say why this was so shameful, exactly, but... he'd never exactly come out to anyone.
Harry sputtered. "YOU'RE GAY?!" he nearly shouted before casting a shocked look to the nursery door. "B-but... you were married. You... you had Teddy."
Remus blushed, looked down at his hands. "I... never understood... why this isn't part of Hogwarts curriculum," he mumbled. "Uh... werewolves... we're... uh... sterile. The species reproduces through biting, you see, so... there's no need to do things through... other... biological... methods. Dora... she... well... she had an affair." There was a long pause. "And I'm not exactly gay. I'm bisexual."
The silence was heavy between them, thick enough to be palpable. "How can you just leave him like that?" Harry asked so softly Remus had to strain with his lycanthropic hearing to hear it. "You're telling me... you and Snape were... involved... for almost four years... and it doesn't bother you to see him that way?"
"Harry, Severus made me promise... if... something happened... and he could have a clean start... a chance to forget all the horrible things he'd done, that I wouldn't interfere. Even if that meant I had to walk away," Remus said softly. "Besides... I very much doubt Severus would want anything to do with me, considering..."
"I can't believe I was so wrong about you, Lupin. Snape is twice the man you could ever be. You... you are forever taking the easy way out. You're going to let him sit in a padded cell, locked in his own mind, without attempting to draw him out because... what? Because you're afraid you'll have to explain why you ran off and married Tonks and are raising another man's baby? And your excuse is... he asked you not to interfere if he lost his memory? He HASN'T lost his memory.... he's lost his bleeding mind. You are a cold, heartless bastard, and I hope for his own sake Snape NEVER loved you."
The slam of the door rang in Remus' ears. He collapsed onto the sofa, head in his hands. For the first time since he learned Severus had killed Albus, Remus Lupin cried.