miracle (miracle) wrote in luke_noah, @ 2008-01-06 08:20:00 |
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Original poster: nukefan21
Is Love enough? by Rhardin
Luke is taking steps that will forever change his life. But is this what he really wants. Warnings Cross dressing and transgenderism
Characters: Noah, Luke, Warrick (OMC), Maddie
- Genres: AU, drama
- Rating: NC17 -
Comments are welcome
I stand back and look in the mirror. I hold my breath as Maddie looks me up and down. She has her hand under her chin and is chewing on a pen. She takes the pen out of her mouth and writes something down.
“This is the last stage you need to go through to see if this it really what you want,” she says. “Once you take the next step, there will be no turning back,” she says, smiling. Again, her eyes look me up and down a few times. “You look really good.”
I run my hands through my hair a few times and pull at the collar of my turtle neck. I hate wearing them. I’m nervous enough as it is, the last thing I want is to have something so tight around my neck. I jump a little when she puts her hand on my shoulder.
“I’m scared,” I say. Scared is an understatement. Terrified is more like it. I wish there was another way to know for sure. They have a pill for just about everything except this.
She again smiles at me and flips her hair off her shoulder. “I’d be worried if you weren’t scared. You’ve come so far and you have a long way to go,” she touching me again.
A long way to go? Hmm, she’s always been honest, but, at times, I’d wish she’d say, ‘Oh it will get easier,’ even if it is a lie. She’s always been here with me, guiding me through each small step that led to a much larger step. And here we are, one last step to take. Well, more like one last mountain to climb. If I turn back now, I fear I will have let her down and wasted all the time and help she’s given me over the past few years. She’s turned into my family. Her and her brother have taken me in and have never judging me or made me feel like I’m a freak.
Freak…will I be a freak? Will people look at me and say, ‘Oh, my God, look at that person!’ Will I be excepted for who I am, or who I want to be?
I close my eyes. It hasn’t been easy for me. Nothing ever was, is. I’m just trying to find a way for me to be happy with who I am. In doing so, it has cost me dearly. I’ve been disowned by my whole family. They turned their backs on me a long time ago. They didn’t understand what I was going through and why I’m doing this. I’ve been told I’m sick and fucked up, or I’m just doing this to ruin the family name, to get attention, to hurt them. Or it’s just a faze and I will out-grow it. Once it became apparent to them that it wasn’t a joke, or a way to get attention, I was told to leave the house and never come back.
“So, this is what I’d look like?” I ask, touching my face.
“For the most part. You have a good frame to do this. Some people don‘t, but it will go well for you, I can feel it. If I didn‘t think you did, I‘d tell you. Believe it,” she says. “You’re a bit tall, but not too bad. There isn’t much to you.”
I again play with my hair. “You’re just saying that because you have to,” I say. I take a step forward and feel light headed. She rushes over to me.
“You should sit down,” she says, guiding me over to the bed. I sit down on and place my hands over my face. “Here, drink this.” She is holding a bottle of water out to me. I take it with an unsteady hand and take a sip. I finish it off and sit it on the floor. I reach down and twist my ring around my finger a few times.
“We don’t have to got out tonight,” she says. “A lot of people can’t do it the first time,” she says, sitting next to me. “The realization is starting to set in, and it’s hard.”
“If I don’t do it tonight, I may never do it,” I say, standing up.
“Are you sure? I don’t want to force you into anything,” she says.
“Yeah, I’m sure,” I say. But I’m not sure. I’m not sure I can walk out of the room looking like this, but I do know one thing; If I don’t, I mostly likely will never be strong enough to do it. I walk over and pick up my bag and drape it over my shoulder. She smiles and picks up her bag. We walk to the door and she has to push me forward to get me to go outside. We walk to her car and get in. I place my hand on my stomach, as it is in knots.
“Should we get something to eat?” She asks.
I shake my head, knowing I’d most like throw it all back up.
“Will this ever feel right to me? Will I ever feel normal?” I ask, placing my hand on my head. It was starting to hurt.
“Luke, honey, you will know if and when it’s feels right. That is why we make you do this for a year,” she says. “You have plenty of time to figure out if this is what you really want.” she says as the car comes to a stop.
“This is a small place. Not a lot of people come here. If you get to uncomfortable and want to leave, ask me about the movie tomorrow,” she says.
“It’s now or never,” I say, getting out of the car. I take a few slows steps, then stop waiting for her. She smiles and walks up behind me. We head to the door and a someone steps in front of us and holds the door open.
“Ladies first,” he says, smiling.
I smile back and, “Thanks,” is all I can get out. We walk inside and, just like she said, there were only a dozen people in the place. It was pretty dark as well.
“Just sit anywhere you want,” the hostess calls out. “It’s ladies night, so drinks are only a dollar.”
“Let’s sit at the bar,” she says.
I would have preferred to sit in the back, but I don’t say anything. We walk to the bar and sit down. I pull my skirt down and cross my legs. Maddie places her arm on me, giving me the ‘you better relax’ look and I take in a deep breath.
“What can I do you ladies for?” The bartender asks. He’s a very nice looking man, wearing a black t-shirt and black jeans. He’s got on a black belt as well. His hair is dark and kind of short. His eyes are amazing.
“Do you have anything to eat?” I ask, looking down.
“Yeah, we got nachos, wings, popcorn, dogs, chips and poppers,” he says, leaning on the counter in front of me. I had better get something in my stomach if I’m going to drink tonight.
“Nachos,” I say.
“Anything to drink?” He asks.
“Coke, for now,” I say.
“I’ll have a wine cooler,” Maddie says.
The bartender smiles and disappears into the back.
“See? I told you look fine. He was checking you out, Luke,” she says.
“Oh, God,” I say, putting my hand on my face. He returns and sits my nachos in front of me, along with my coke. He hands Maddie her bottle.
“I haven’t see you ladies around,” he says.
“I’m new in town,” I say.
“I’m trying to show her around town,” Maddie says. “She doesn’t know anyone around here.”
“Hmm, well, I’m Noah,” he says, holding out his hand. I take it and shake it. “Now, you know one other person.”
“Thanks,” I say as I pick up a chip. I push it around in the cheese a few times.
He looks at me and sighs.
“Her name is Ginger,” Maddie says.
I look up. “Oh, God, I’m sorry,” I say. “I’m not really here tonight. I didn’t mean to be rude.”
“It’s ok,” Noah says.
“Oh, Noah, who are your friends?” Another man asks. I’m guessing he works here, too, since he is also dressed in black.
“This is Maddie and Ginger,” he says. “Ladies, this is Warrick. He’s the cook,” Noah says.
“I’m not a cook, I’m a chef,” Warrick says, looking at me. I can feel my cheeks turn red and I look away shyly. Lucky, he seems more interested in Maddie, but this Noah guy really seems to be looking me over. I pull at the collar of my shirt and again pull my skirt down.
“Chef my ass,” Noah says. “You heat up wings and dogs and pour cheese on chips!” He smirks.
“But I do it with style and class,” he says. “Well, I’d better get back there. Those dogs won’t cook themselves,” he says. “Ladies, it was an honor to meet you.” He flashes a smile at Maddie and heads back into the kitchen.
“Hmm, he’s very friendly,” Maddie says.
“He likes you,” Noah says, looking at her.
“Oh, really?” Maddie asks.
“Yep,” Noah says, sitting another drink in front of her. Me, I haven’t touched my drink and I’m still holding the same chip I started out with.
“What about you?” Maddie asks.
“Well, see, I’m kind of like your friend,” he says.
My eyes widen, and I’m sure I have a look of fear on my face. I swallow hard and pick up my drink and force some down. Noah either doesn’t notice my discomfort, or he finds it interesting because he’s still looking at me and smiling.
“She’s really shy,” Maddie says.
“I’m shy, too,” Noah says.
“That a bunch of bullshit!” Warrick yells from the back.
Noah picked up a rag and tossed it at him, hitting him in the leg with it.
Maddie looks over at me. I wipe my forehead and finally eat the chip I’ve been holding for a while. It is cold and nasty by now.
“I’ll be back,” Noah says, going down to take someone else’s order.
“Are you ok?” Maddie asks me.
I look at her and sigh. “Yeah,” I say. “I just wish he’d leave me alone. I’m not even close to being ready for that.”
“Oh, Ginger, he’s a bartender. He’s just flirting to get a good tip. Lighten up and have some fun with him. At least you know you look good,” she says.
That is true. But there are a few other ladies at the bar and he doesn’t seem to be paying them any mind at all. He comes back about ten minutes later with another wine cooler for Maddie and a fresh coke for me.
“They would have tasted better warm,” Noah says.
“What?” I ask. I look down at my nachos.
“Would you like some fresh ones? I can have Chef Warrick make them,” he says, again leaning on the counter.
“No, thanks,” I say. I get the feeling he’s not just flirting, he’s interested in me.
“So, where are you from?” He asks.
“California,” I say, picking up my drink.
“I have to go to the ladies room,” Maddie says. I look up at her as she walks off.
‘Thank for waiting for me,’ I think.
Noah watches her leave and looks at me again.
“So, what was your name again?” He asks.
“Ginger,” I say, looking down.
“Oh, that’s right. I’m sorry, I thought I heard her call you something else,” he says.
I do my best to hind the panic that is running through me and laugh a bit.
“No, it’s Ginger,” I repeat.
He nods and takes the plate of nachos away. He walks back over to me and hops up on the counter. I wish that Maddie hadn’t left. I’m getting a bit worried, now. I take another drink and look at him.
“You sure fooled me,” he said, much softer now. “I had no idea.”
I’m not sure what to say now, and am thankful Maddie is making her way back.
I don’t look at him now. I am looking down into my drink. What the fuck is taking her so long? I look over to find her and see her talking to Warrick.
“So, which one is it?” He asks. “Ginger, or Luke?”
I stop breathing and my heart stops as well. Fuck, she called me Luke when we first sat down.
“Luke,” I say in a whisper. I think I’m going to pass out. I feel sick now. I stand up and he takes my arm.
“You don’t have to leave,” he says.
Should I scream for help? Should I try and pull away from him? He’s a lot bigger than me and I’m guessing I couldn’t get away if I wanted to. Me wearing heels didn’t help, either.
“Sit down and chat with me,” he says, letting me go. He smiles at me and hops down.
I again look over at Maddie. She’s already touching Warrick’s arms and laughing at everything he says.
“I’m sorry, I can’t,” I say, taking a step back.
“I didn’t mean to upset you,” Noah said, softly.
I open my bag and removed my wallet and pull out a fifty and sit it on the bar. “Thanks for everything,” I say, backing away from him.
Noah looks at the money and sighs. He picks up it. “You have change coming,” he says. “Do you want it?’
“No. Keep it,” I say.
He puts the money in his pocket and leans on the counter. He’s still watching me.
“It’s ok,” he says, and points to the stool.
I think about running over to Maddie, or shouting, “What fucking movie are we going to see?!” But I take a step forward and then walk back to the bar and sit down.
He smiles and picks up my drink and refills it.
“I’m glad you stayed,” he said, handing me my drink.
“So, what part of California did you grow up in?” He asks.
It takes me a while to even realize he’s talking to me. I don’t get it. He knows I’m a man ,but, yet, he keeps talking.
“San Diego,” I finally say as he was about to turn away.
I really don’t know what made me stay and talk to him. This wasn’t in the plans at all. I just wanted to go out somewhere and see if I could pass as a woman, see if I got stared at, pointed at, or out. I’m not ready for this. I don’t want to be here right now, talking to him right now.
Yes, I do. The truth is I’m very lonely and have been for a long time. Dealing with my own issues was hard enough, so I’ve pretty much isolated myself from just about everyone. Maddie is the only friend I have.
Why did I shut myself out? I’ve been in Vegas for a few years now, and don’t know a soul. I could have made friends. I’ve been invited to parties by my co-workers, but I always turned them down, always having a reason why I couldn’t go. They finally stopped asking me.
Maybe, it was because I knew I was close to taking this step and didn’t want to explain to everyone in the world what I’m doing. I’m not working now and won’t until I’ve taken the final step. Most people don’t, can’t, or won’t try to understand the hell I’ve been living in my whole life. They can’t understand what I’m going through. It’s easier for them to think I’m just some sick fuck who likes to dress up in women’s clothes and touch myself in front of mirrors.
If only it were that. People just don’t understand the feelings I have, how lost I feel when I look at myself, if and when I do touch myself. Nothing feels right to me, and the pain just won’t go away. I wish it was that easy.
I’m so afraid of what’s to come down the road. The surgeries I’m about to go through and the big one a year from now, the pain they cause, the healing, and the recovery. There’s also the fear of getting turned down. I mean, I could go through all this and still be told no. Then, what do I do? Maddie keeps telling me ‘one step at a time’ and I know she’s right, but, sometimes, I just feel so overwhelmed by the whole thing and I feel even more lost than before.
I close my eyes and place my hand on my head. My headache never went away, but it becomes more noticeable to me when my mind starts to wander like this.
“You don’t talk much, do you?” Noah asks, filling up my drink once again. His voice snaps me out of my own little world I was in. I look at him and smile.
“I’m sorry. It’s just been a long day,” I say, wondering how many times he’s filled up my drink. I am never going to get to sleep tonight? Why am I doing this to myself? I have a hot guy standing in front me talking, and here I am, spacing off, thinking about things I can’t control.
I look over towards Maddie and she is still all over Warrick. Even if I wanted to leave right now, I don’t think she’d hear me. She lost in her own little world, too.
“I just have a lot on my mind,” I say.
“You need to relax,” Noah says, smiling at me. God, he’s got a nice smile.
“So, how long have you lived here?” He asks.
“About three years,” I say, looking down at my drink. I’m not much for talking about myself.
“You been friends with her long?” He asks, glancing over at Maddie. She’s now sitting on Warrick’s lap.
I shake my head and smile. “Yeah, since I’ve lived here.” I look up at him. “She’s my physiatrist,” I final say. I mean, he knows the truth, so he might as well know it all.
He nods and looks at her again. “She doesn’t look like a shrink,” he says.
“So, Ginger, what do you like to do?” He asks.
I look at him and don’t answer.
“You do go out, don’t you?” He asks.
I look down at my drink. “I haven’t in a while,” I say.
“So, if you were to go out, what would you want to do?” He asks, walking out from behind the counter. He sits down next to me.
‘Get up and run!’ My mind says. “I’d like to see a movie,” I say.
“Movies are good. There’s a great theater down the road. Anything you’d like to see?”
“That new Tom Hanks movie looks interesting,” I say. No, stop, don’t, he’s going to ask you out. Get up and run. I tighten my grip on my glass and I’m sure I’m starting to sweat.
“I’ve been waiting to see that, myself,” he says again, with a sexy smile. Here it comes. Think of something really good to get out of it. You have to be quick, don’t stop and think. Have a plan.
“I’m off tomorrow. Maybe, we could get a bite to eat and see the movie,” he says.
“That sounds fun,” I hear in a voice that sounds like me. Fuck, it was me. So much for my plan.
“Really?” He asks, almost in shock. I’m just as shocked as he is. “What sounds good to you?” He asks.
“You asked me out, you pick,” I say, having no clue what is good around here.
He laughs a bit as I pull on my collar again. It seems to be getting tighter by the second. I wipe the sweat off my forehead.
“So, would you like to meet up, or would you like me to pick you up?” He asks, leaning much too close to me.
“You could pick me up,” I say, looking surprised again. I don’t know what I’m doing, but this feels good, talking to someone, having someone interested in me. I’m letting my guard down way too much, and I’m sure I’ll hear about it when I tell Maddie.
I reach into my bag and pull out a piece of paper and a pen. I write my address down on it and my phone number. I give it to him and he puts it in his pocket.
“Does eight o’clock work for you?”
Eight? My God, now I’ll have to sit around the house all day and worry about the date, what to wear, where we are going. No, no, it has to be early, much earlier than that. Maybe, a lunch date would be better. That way, I don’t have to wait all day. No, breakfast’s even better.
“Eight will work fine,” I say.
“Does anyone work here?”
He looks over, seeing a couple of guys standing at the end of the bar.
“Hm, I guess that would be me,” he says, standing up. I watch him walk over to them. I can’t believe I just did that. What was I thinking? I once again empty my drink. I stand up and make my way to the restroom. Maddie is so lost that she doesn’t even see me walk past her. I walk inside and lean up on the wall. I place my hand on my stomach. I’m shaking now. The reality of what I did just set in. I make my way over to the sink and sit my bag on it. I open it and remove some lipstick and a bit of powder. I touch up and wash my hands.
“Calm down, it’s only one date,” I tell myself. I walk back to the bar and sit down. Noah must be in the back because I don’t see him. I’m guessing he’s playing chef as Warrick and Maddie get to know each other.
“Look at that,” I hear. I don’t move. “That’s was got to be the hottest lady I’ve seem in a long time.”
Well, I guess I passed the test and look like a women.
“I think she’s deaf, or something” the guy says, walking over to me.
I look up. “No, I’m with someone,” I say. “Sorry, I didn’t know you were talking to me.” Please, God, just go away. Why did I let Maddie take me to a bar? I would have much preferred the mall, or one of the casinos, anywhere, but a place where man get drunk and horny. He sits next to me.
“Why don’t you date a real man like me?” He asks, touching my arm.
I try and stand up, but he grabs a hold of me. I try and pull away, but he’s even bigger than Noah.
“Let me go,” I say, pulling harder.
“Come on, honey, be with a real man and let me show you a good time,” he says, placing his hands on my chest.
“Get your hands off her,” I hear. He’s pulled off of me and I fall to the ground. Now, Maddie notices me and runs over. I look up just in time to see Noah push the man back.
“Gin, are you ok?” Maddie asks as her and Warrick help me up. I don’t answer. I watch Noah and the man. The man backs down, holding his hands up.
“Sorry man, I was just having some fun.”
“Go have some fun somewhere else,” Noah says.
“Fine,” the man says and walks out. Everyone in the bar is staring at us. I fix my shirt and skirt as Maddie fusses over me.
“I’m fine,” I say, pushing her hand off me. Noah walks over to us.
“Are you ok?” He asks.
I nod my head and he takes my hand and leads me over to a seat.
“Fucking assholes!” Warrick says. I sit down and Noah sits next to me. Maddie has this look on her face and walks over to us.
“Ginger, I think we’ve had enough fun,” she says. “Maybe we should head home. It’s almost two.”
I don’t even feel tired. I had no idea it was that late.
“So, we still on for tomorrow night?” Warrick asks.
Looks like I’m not the only one with a date tomorrow. I stand up.
“Here’s my card. If anything comes up, give me a call,” Noah says.
“You have a card?” Maddie asks, looking at me as I take it.
“I am the owner of this place,” he says.
“Oh, why would she want to call you?” Maddie asks.
“We are going out tomorrow to dinner and a movie,” he says. He looks at me. I swallow down a knot in my throat. “Are you sure you’re ok?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks for helping me out,” I say, running my fingers through my hair. I don’t even look at Maddie, I already know she’s looking at me.
“Well, it’s been fun. Warrick, I’ll call you,” she says as I start to walk off.
I turn towards Noah. “Thanks, again,” I say. “See you tomorrow.”
He smiles and waves. He leaning on the counter and I can tell he’s watching me walk away. Warrick is looking at him oddly.
I don’t even get out of the door when Maddie grabs my arm and pulls me to the side.
“What are you doing?” She asks.
“You told me to have fun and he asked me out,” I say. “Let go of me,” I say, pulling away. Finally, someone I’m strong enough to break away from.
“You can’t go out with him,” she says.
“Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do. You’re the one who said to have some fun with him, and live a little,” I say, walking towards the car.
“I meant in there. Ginger, a lot of things can happen if you go out with him!” She calls out following me.
I stop and look at her. “He’s a nice guy,” I say.
“He works in a bar,” Maddie says. “And Warrick told me he’s into stuff.”
“What kind of stuff?”
“He’s gay, for one thing,” she says. “You don’t want to go out with someone like that.”
“If he’s gay, why did he ask me out?” I snap.
She looks at me. She has no clue that he knows the truth about me. I cross my arms.
“Don’t give me a hard time for doing what you told me to do,” I say, now walking away from her car.
“Where are you going?” She asks.
“I’m taking a cab home,” I say. I walk to the street.
“Gin, don’t. Ride with me and we can talk about this,” she says, walking over to me.
“There is nothing to talk about. I’m going out with him,” I say, waving her off.
“Fine, don’t come crying to me when he hurts you!” She says, walking away.
“The same goes for you!” I yell. Warrick doesn’t look much safer than Noah. A cab pulls up and I open the door.
“Where to, honey?” The older man asks.
I tell him where I live and sit back. I cover my face.
“You ok, honey?” He asks.
“I’m fine,” I say, not looking up. Luckily, he takes the hint and doesn’t talk until I get home.
“Here you go,” he says. I look up and reach for my bag.
“It’s on the house, honey,” he says.
“No,” I say, opening my bag.
“Just try and have a better night,” he says as I get out. I hold out some money, but he doesn’t take it. He pulls away and I put the money back in my bag and walk inside. I walk inside and Maddie is there, waiting. I walk past her.
“Luke,” she says.
I stop and look at her. “See? That’s why you can’t go out with him,” she says. “What if he finds out? He could really hurt you,” she says.
“He won’t.” I debate if I should tell her, and decide not to. That would open up a whole new can of worms. I walk to my room, with her a few steps behind me. I walk into my room and slam the door. I wonder if I hit her with it.
“Luke, open the door!” She yells, hitting it. I walk over to my bed and sit down. I hear her talking to Vinnie. Then, I hear nothing. He must have told her to leave me alone. I love Vinnie. He’s so calm and relaxed, nothing like his sister. I take off my shirt and my bra along with the pads in it. Just think, in two weeks, I won‘t need them, anymore. Maddie claims I won‘t even need to wear a bra. I sit on the chair and take my shoes off and the rest of my clothes. I rub my feet a few times. Women’s shoes are not that comfortable.
I would have preferred to take the mirror out of here, but Maddie said it was important to keep it in here. I don’t look at it, hating the sight of me with nothing on. I find a gown to sleep in and slide it over my body. I love the feeling of silk. I even have silk sheets.
I head into the bathroom and wash my face. I take off my earrings. I look up and sigh. I close my eyes and walk away. I turn on the radio and get into bed. I lean over to my nightstand and take a few pills. I’ll have to take a lot more as time goes on. I also take a few Tylenol PM. After a night like this, sleep will be hard, not to mention I had at least eight cokes while we were out.
I pull the covers over up to my chest and place my hand across my forehead. I close my eyes and take in a few deep breaths. Sleep has never been easy for me and when my mind is racing and my body heavily caffeinated, it my not happen at all. I force myself to listen to the song. Michael Bublé fills the room. I turn onto my side and look out the window. I’m not sure how I did it, but me and sleep finally came together.