This is my first fan fic ever. Luke isn't shown writing lately, but I'm thinking he needed to write this down to sort out his feelings. After what happened today.
We have Noah's POV. Here's Luke's.
This is long because, well, it's Luke. ;)
Rated PG
When I first met Noah, I was very confident. I was comfortable in my own skin. I thought all the demons in my past were gone. But when the election came around and Kevin and his goons started in on me, it brought all that hurt back. Like it was yesterday, and everything that had happened since then was only a dream. I was back to being this insecure, misfit of a kid. I didn’t want to be like that, and I did everything I could to stop him from winning. I felt like winning that election was the only thing that could push those demons away again. Noah tried to tell me that it didn’t matter, that their opinions weren’t important. He was right – I had him and it should have been enough. It was enough, but I was too blind to see that. My short sightedness cost me everything. School, my family’s respect, but mostly Noah. The disappointment in his eyes when he knew I’d cheated – it killed me.
I feel like I’ve died a little bit more each day since.
I began drinking because I couldn’t stand myself. Then Noah found out about that and I drank more because I couldn’t stand to see how disgusted he was with me. Why try to be something I couldn’t? I felt like I’d sunk too low to pull myself back up.
Not that I didn’t try. There were small victories that gave me hope that I could somehow rise above it all again and be someone he respected.
Then Brian kissed me. Oh, wow, I sure didn’t see that coming! I really thought he was this major homophobe when all the time he was just deeply closeted. So deeply closeted that when I confronted him about it, he denied everything and said it was all in my head.
And Noah had grown to disrespect me so much that he didn’t even believe me when I told him about it. I just wanted to die.
It did manage to sober me up, at least temporarily. I did it partially for Noah, but partially because I just felt like I needed to be on my guard. I couldn’t let myself get in a state where Brian could take advantage of me again.
But now my animosity towards Brian overwhelmed me, and Noah still couldn’t stand to be around me, since, as far as he was concerned, this was all in my head and I was just creating my own problems. I did manage to make more of an ass of myself by throwing a cheap shot at Noah the night of Jack’s bachelor party. He left early and I came so close to drowning myself in booze once again. I just wanted to forget everything. But Brian had drunk enough for both of us (and more) that night, since he was fighting his own demons, and I ended up driving him home.
That’s when he tried to kiss me again. And I told him that if he tried it one more time, I would tell grandmother everything. I should have told her anyway, but after Noah had refused to believe me, my confidence was really shaken. What if she didn’t believe me, either? And after everything she’d been through with the cancer coming back and the surgery (Here’s just one more reason I’d messed up, too – I’d been so self-absorbed, that I was almost completely unaware of the hell she was going through.), how could I drop this on her when Brian seemed to make her so happy – even if it was based on a lie?
The next day, I couldn’t even stand the thought of being around everyone for Jack’s wedding, so I went for a long hike by myself instead. I really needed to clear my head. It did help somewhat. Then Brian and I talked. Really talked about what had happened. He finally admitted that he’d come onto me, and that it was entirely his fault. I told him he needed to come clean with Grandmother, but he insisted that he loved her and that he could be a good husband to her. He intended to sleep with her, but it was clear he hadn’t worked up the nerve. I can’t imagine it, but I know some gay men manage to have sex with women and fake it well enough to make a marriage work, and even father children. Maybe Brian could do it, too. Deep down, I didn’t believe that, but I pushed my doubts aside and let it go. I wanted it to work for Grandmother’s sake. She deserved to be happy. Another mistake.
Then Jade shows up, and (surprise!) she’s in trouble. I do what I can to get her out of it, and she ends up getting arrested. Geez, even when I do the right thing anymore, it backfires in my face. Mom managed to get things straightened out there, but Jade would hold a grudge against me for several days. I know I’ve sunk to a new low when I can’t meet with Jade’s standards. She’s flawed enough that she could always forgive me anything (and I, her).
Noah showed up at the house a few days before Christmas, much to my surprise, and I began to think there might be hope for us yet. He gave me a watch with “Worth the wait” engraved on the back. Oh, Noah.
Then came New Year’s Eve. Noah sent me flowers and had this perfect evening planned. We were going to finally have sex. God, I’d been waiting forever for this night.
Didn’t I manage to screw up again. Big time.
Maddy had come back to Oakdale, and seeing her with Noah brought those pesky demons back once more. It was like all I could see was the two of them when she was his girlfriend. How many times has he told me that it didn’t mean anything, that they were just friends? But I’d never managed to let it go completely, and that night, my jealous insecurities bit me right in the ass.
She wasn’t interested in Noah anymore than he was interested in her. She wanted to rekindle things with Casey. Apparently, she discovered that he didn’t feel the same way, and she showed up at Metro in tears. Noah promptly walked her over to Al’s where he could talk to her and comfort her. That’s all it was – I know that now, but God! That night, I saw them together and believed the worst. He wanted her, not me. I was devastated. I went back to Metro and promptly downed two large glasses of champagne. I hadn’t eaten in hours, so I was drunk almost instantly. I stumbled out and Brian followed me (Apparently, he and Grandmother had had a fight because he’d come to Metro alone.). After I almost fell over a bench, he took me and sat me down on the bench beside him.
Well, Noah didn’t want me, but I knew that Brian did. And I started coming on to him. Then I grabbed his face and planted a big kiss on him. He didn’t really kiss back – he was too surprised (but he also didn’t fight me off).
Next thing I knew, Noah was there. He grabbed Brian and punched him hard in the face. Then he grabbed me and took me home.
If Brian had actually been the one who’d started it, Noah would SO have been my hero. Wow, can he throw a punch!
As it was, I felt so guilty about the whole thing, I fessed up right away. Yeah, it was the right thing to do, but too little, too late. Noah was beyond pissed. I was afraid he might actually hit me before he stormed out.
Then I read the note he’d left for me, which was supposed to be read the next morning – after we’d spent the night together. God, Noah.
I thought I could not feel lower than I did that night.
But that was before Jade outed Brian in front of Grandmother and Mom. Her and her big mouth. So that, of course, blew up in my face, too.
I would ask myself if my life could get any worse, but I’m afraid to hear the answer.
I know that there was a time when Noah felt he wasn’t good enough for me, but he was wrong. God, was he wrong! I am the one who is unworthy of him, and now the truth is out.
Today, when we were locked up on that roof together, I tried to tell him some of what I’ve been feeling, but I’ve hurt him so badly this time, he didn’t want to hear any of it. And didn’t I go and compare him to his father again, too. I know he hates that, and he doesn’t deserve it.
I couldn’t stand the way he looked at me today. I earned it.
I just want him back, but I keep pushing him away.