miracle (miracle) wrote in luke_noah, @ 2009-01-04 08:24:00 |
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Original poster: indigo_5
Title: The Wait
Author: indigo_5
Rating: Hard R or soft NC-17
Warnings: (as needed) none
Disclaimer: I own neither Luke, Noah, nor anything else related to ATWT. The show would look a lot different if I did.
Beta: (if used) none
Summary: Noah has been waiting for a very long time.
Author's Notes (A/N): written for luke_noah's monthly challenge #2. I'm posting this ridiculously early because I'm going on vacation next Monday and will be without computer access for much of the middle of the month, and I want to be able to see & respond to comments before I go. Can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the entries when I get back!
Hope you enjoy this. Feedback is love. ♥
Noah didn’t want to. He stood in front of his father, head bowed, skinny arm crossed in front of skinny body, right hand clasping left elbow, trying not to cry. “I didn’t want to,” he whispered, and the Colonel slammed his hand on the kitchen table, and Noah jumped.
“I don’t want to hear that again, Noah,” he barked. Noah closed his eyes. He would not cry. He would not. “When you’re a man, you can make your own goddamned decisions. You’re a child now, and you will listen to me. And this,” he continued, waving the detention slip in the air like it might be coated in infectious disease, “is not acceptable behavior. Do you hear me?”
“Yes, sir.” Noah swallowed hard, still staring at his feet. It hadn’t been his idea. He was the new kid, entering the school halfway through seventh grade, a skinny beanstalk with military-short hair who didn’t know anyone, and he’d just been following the crowd. And it was just a stupid prank, and he told them he didn’t want to do it. But they laughed at him, called him a fag, and he did it. And he couldn’t explain why that word bothered him so much, but it did. And now there was his father to deal with. “It won’t happen again, sir.”
“No, it will not. Fifty pushups right now, on your knuckles. You know how to count off.”
“Yes, sir.” Face already flushing with humiliation, Noah positioned himself on the floor and began. “One. I’m sorry for disappointing you, sir. I deserve to be punished. Thank you for teaching me. Two. I’m sorry for disappointing you, sir.”
“Louder.” Noah felt the boot pressing on his back, and he couldn’t help it. The tears were coming. Just wait, he thought to himself. It won’t last forever. Just wait.
***
“What the hell’s the matter with you?” Josh’s tone was light, joking, but it changed when Noah pushed past him into the house, not smiling back. “Whoa. What is it?”
“I’m moving again.” Noah dropped his backpack on Josh’s couch, his face like stone. He was sure he’d be able to finish out high school here, but he wasn’t even going to be able to finish the tenth grade. The transfer was immediate, and they had to leave at the end of the week.
“You’re shitting me.” Noah shook his head, unable to look at his friend. Somehow, the thought of not seeing Josh every day was bothering him more than having to leave six weeks before the end of the school year, having to give up his TV production class, having to start over in a new place all over again. And he didn’t know why.
“I’m sorry, man.” Josh’s hand was on his shoulder. Without thinking, Noah pulled him into a tight hug. Josh’s body went stiff, surprised. And Noah quickly backed off, just as surprised, maybe more so. They stared at each other for a moment, the awkwardness heavy in the air. And then the sound of a key in the front door jarred them out of it, Josh’s mother coming home. Noah made an excuse and got out of there. He didn’t see Josh again.
***
Grabbing three swords at once, Noah walked backstage and headed toward the prop room, grinning a little. He couldn’t believe the news he’d just gotten. He’d been interning at this theater all year, making the long drive to Branson three times a week just to lug props around and hammer sets together and keep track of who signed out the headset that tended to crap out halfway through the show, and it had all been worth it. He’d been offered a job, a real job, assistant stage manager. He could work at the theater all summer. Maybe Dad would even let him stay overnight in Branson during the week. Gabe was graduating; maybe the two of them could get an apartment together. His grin broadened as he shifted the weight of the swords and turned the knob on the prop room door.
And there was Gabe, locked in the dark, making out with Hamlet’s understudy. They jumped apart when the door opened, and Noah stared, open-mouthed. Their hair was mussed, their clothing disheveled. He tried not to notice that they were both obviously hard. “I… sorry,” Noah mumbled, going to close the door. But the understudy muttered something unintelligible and ran out of there, leaving Noah and Gabe in an awkward silence. “I didn’t know you were gay,” Noah said eventually, not looking at his friend.
Gabe ran his hand through his hair, straightened his clothing. “You won’t tell anybody, will you?” he said. Noah shook his head, and Gabe smiled. “Thanks, Noah. I mean, for me it’s not such a big deal. But Joe’s pretty deep in the closet, and I’ve been trying to gradually walk him out of it. We’ve even been talking about me moving into his place this summer, you know? I mean, I don’t know if it will actually happen…”
Noah drifted off as Gabe kept talking, slowly placing the swords that were still in his hand in their place on the prop shelf. Something was aching in his chest. He told himself it was just because his summer plans would have to wait.
***
Noah fell back against the mattress, staring at the ceiling. So that was it. That was it? That was what people made such a big deal over? He turned his head slowly, trying to see Maddie’s face. But she was staring at the ceiling too, and he couldn’t tell what her expression meant. It didn’t look good.
“So… what just happened?” It was a stupid thing to say. But there didn’t seem to be any other words coming. Not “I love you,” not “that was amazing,” not even “was it good for you?” Because it pretty obviously wasn’t.
“I don’t know,” she said slowly. She still wasn’t looking at him. Shit. He rushed her. That must be it. They should have waited. Maybe it would have been better. Shit. Focus. She’s still talking. “But I think…”
The door flew open, and they both sat up in a rush. Luke. God. Noah felt his heart stop, his muscles tense, like he’d been caught doing something very wrong. Like he’d cheated on someone. On who? It didn’t make sense.
Luke looked like he’d been slapped. Noah absurdly wanted to hug him, tell him it would all be all right. Where did that come from?
***
“Dude, you’re making a flood in here!” Noah laughed. He hadn’t felt this relaxed, this happy in ages. Maddie was right, Luke was funny when he wanted to be. That must be where this lightheaded feeling was coming from. They’d been teasing each other all night, splashing around in the pond, and he’d laughed so hard his stomach hurt.
“Oh, come on, that doesn’t matter!” Luke was laughing back at him, turning his back, looking so amazing with the beads of water clinging to his skin. Noah snapped a towel at his ass, still laughing. And now Luke was turning back around, grabbing the towel, pulling at it. It must have been the laughter that pulled Noah off balance. Couldn’t be that he let himself get tugged, that he wanted to get closer. And now he was, so much closer. Right up against him. And Luke wasn’t laughing anymore. Neither of them was. Noah was just breathing, staring at Luke, those eyes open so wide, his mouth wet, lips parted, breathing hard. His arms were around Noah, but his hands were in fists, held firmly away from Noah’s back. And Noah suddenly, clearly, absolutely wanted those hands on his skin. He wanted this man, wanted to kiss him, wanted to pull his wet body into his own, wanted to strip off his swim trunks and press him against the kitchen counter, wanted to fuck him senseless or be fucked senseless or anything, everything, just God, fuck, please, NOW. His breathing grew faster, his vision beginning to blur, and he could lean closer, just a little bit closer…
But Maddie was walking in, loud, cheerful, oblivious, and Noah was backing away. Almost falling over himself, he was backing away so fast.
What was that?
***
Noah didn’t sleep well that night. Or the next. His mind was filled with images of Luke. But not just Luke. There was Josh, and Gabe, and others too. The movie stars he’d admired, whose posters he’d put on his wall, whose movies he’d watched over and over again. The guys on his swim team, whose images sometimes flashed in Noah’s mind when he was jerking off. Doesn’t mean anything, he thought. I have a girlfriend. We make love. I can’t be gay.
He made love to Maddie again the night after that, proving it to himself, proving it to her. And it was better this time. He pretended not to notice that it was Luke’s body he was thinking about toward the end. That it was the image of Luke’s wet, open mouth that finally made him come. He rolled off of Maddie, lying next to her, staring at the ceiling again. He’s what you’ve been waiting for, said a voice inside. Noah closed his eyes, pretending not to hear.
***
When it happened, it surprised Noah as much as Luke. He had been telling himself over and over again that it wasn’t true. That nothing happened in that kitchen. That he was straight, straight straight straight straight straight. And in the meantime, he’d been avoiding Luke. As much as possible.
But now, he was alone with Luke. And Luke was standing so close, his hands on Noah’s tie, on Noah’s collar, his voice so soft. Noah gazed at those eyes, that mouth, and he got lost there. And for a moment, everything else went away.
“What’s wrong?” Luke asked. He was so close. So close.
“Nothing,” Noah replied. And before he knew what he was doing, he was leaning forward an inch more. And touching his lips to Luke’s. There was a spark of electricity, of perfection. Luke pulled slightly away. His eyes were wide, surprised. But Noah felt that want again, let it pour through his eyes into Luke, let him see it. And he did. When he pushed forward again, Luke was there to meet him, kissing him back. And oh my God. Now that want had become needneedneednownownownow and he kissed him harder, opening his mouth, crushing Luke’s lips against his. No kiss had ever felt like this, nothing had ever felt like this, and he wanted more, he wanted so much more, and Luke did too, Luke was breathing just as hard as he was, God, and then the phone was ringing. Phone. Dad. Lunch. Shit. He pushed Luke away, answered it. His heart dropped to his stomach. And he lied, and lied, and lied.
***
So much wasted time. So much yelling, and fear, and coldness, and denial. But somehow, mysteriously, magically, it all ended. And here he was, at the farm, with Luke, with Luke’s family, with his own father, and they were going to have dinner. He was getting what he wanted, finally. Finally.
When Dad went off on his walk, Luke asked Noah to help set the table. But he couldn’t do that just yet. He grabbed Luke’s hand, pulled him backwards into the pantry. It wasn’t much, just a small space where no one would walk in on them, where no one would see. But he couldn’t be around Luke and not kiss him, not touch him, not show him how much he wanted him. Too much wasted time.
Luke giggled in protest, but he allowed himself to be pulled. And pressed against cans of peas and jars of homemade preserves, they kissed, gently at first, playfully, then deeper, harder. Luke pushed his body against Noah’s, pressing his back against the shelves almost painfully, but Noah was barely aware of that. All his attention was focused forward, on this gorgeous creature whose mouth he was devouring, whose skin he was pawing, whose clothing he was lifting. He slid one hand up Luke’s back and the other down to cup his ass, squeezing tight, kissing him more when Luke let out a little moan at the pressure. They were both so hard, and Luke’s lips tasted so good.
“Wait,” Luke said all of a sudden, pushing back slightly. “Wait.” Noah gazed at the object of his desire, his lips wet and pink, his eyes dark with lust, and it took everything within him not to lunge for him all over again. But he could control himself. He could. He swallowed hard, willed his dick to behave. “My family is home,” Luke said, leaning his forehead in to touch Noah’s. “We can’t. Not like this.”
Noah nodded, moving his hands to Luke’s waist, pulling his shirt back down. “I know.” He breathed. “It’s okay.”
“Will you wait for me?”
Noah smiled, brushing a strand of gorgeous blonde hair off Luke’s perfect forehead. “Absolutely,” he said.
***
As it turned out, of course, the wait was longer than they ever expected. The gun, the hospital, the physical therapy, Luke pushing him away. But they made it through somehow. And in the process, they fell in love.
Standing under the mistletoe at the farm, Noah had never felt so warm, or so afraid. He didn’t know how to respond to what Luke was saying to him, didn’t know how to express the million and one feelings that were rushing through his brain. Didn’t know how to tell Luke that looking at him was like looking into the sun, that he left him breathless, made him weak in the knees and everywhere else, made him ache with longing. There was nowhere in the world that he wanted to be more than at Luke’s side, noone in the world who had ever understood him better, nothing in the world that he loved more than talking to Luke, kissing Luke, touching Luke. And he wanted to make love to him so bad, so bad. He had wanted it for so long now. But Luke was saying sweet things, and he felt that way too, and God, when had he turned into such a horndog? He needed to get his mind out of the gutter.
And he loved Luke, he did. But he still couldn’t say the words. Not yet. “Same here,” he finally said, sheepish about how lame that was. But Luke smiled at him, forgave him. They had all the time in the world.
***
New Year’s Eve came quickly, and Noah found his nervousness disappeared quickly too. He had worried about people looking at him, but it all went away when he looked in Luke’s eyes. He had worried about embarrassing himself on the dance floor, but Luke didn’t seem to care about his skills, or lack thereof. He had worried about what would come next, but Luke answered that for him too. “Do you want to go somewhere… somewhere else? Somewhere more… private?”
Noah’s mouth was dry. God, yes. “Yeah,” he said. And Luke smiled, and Noah had to restrain himself from devouring his gorgeous boyfriend right there on the dance floor.
Unfortunately, there was a houseful of people at the farm and Noah’s roommate at the dorm, so private turned out to be Noah’s truck, parked on a dark side street by an abandoned old farm. Noah turned off the engine and just looked at Luke for a moment, the moonlight glinting off his eyes. He raised a hand up to cup Luke’s cheek and stroked it with his thumb. “You are so beautiful,” he whispered.
Luke smiled big, then grabbed him by both lapels, pulling him into a deep, passionate kiss. Noah responded eagerly, meeting Luke’s tongue with his own, grabbing at Luke’s coat to pull him closer. But the steering wheel and the gearshift kept getting in the way. Finally, frustrated, he pulled back and opened his door, slamming it shut behind him as he walked around to the passenger side. “What are you –” Luke said, but Noah just slid in next to him and then lifted Luke up, maneuvering him around until he was on Noah’s lap, straddling him. “That’s more like it,” Luke grinned, covering Noah’s mouth in a hard kiss again.
It was too cold to get naked, but he had to get to some skin. Fingers trembling, Noah hastily unbuttoned Luke’s shirt, pulling it open, sliding his hands onto Luke’s naked chest. Luke gasped at first and Noah pulled back, worried he was going too far. But Luke just laughed at him. “Your hands are cold,” he said. He captured both of Noah’s hands in his and brought them up to his mouth, breathing hot air on them, and Noah bit his lip to keep from coming on the spot. When Luke put Noah’s hands on his body again, Noah slid them around to his back, under the shirt, the jacket, and the coat, pressing Luke closer, kissing him so hard. Somehow Luke had opened his shirt too, and they were skin to skin now, pressed so tight together, and Luke was rocking forward on his lap, grinding against him.
“God,” Noah gasped, sliding a hand to Luke’s crotch, squeezing his hardness through his pants. Luke gasped in response and threw his head back, rocking faster now, and Noah pumped Luke’s cock once and Luke was coming, his fingers digging into Noah’s back, moaning loud, and Noah lost it. He grabbed Luke’s ass as he ground into it, releasing, panting Luke’s name.
“So good,” Luke whispered. But Noah couldn’t form a response. He just grabbed at Luke, holding him tight, burying his head in his neck. It seemed wrong that in this moment, the first time he came with Luke, he suddenly thought about Maddie, but he did. Because it was all so clear now. This was what it was supposed to be like. This was sex. This was worth waiting for. And God, he wanted so much more of this he could hardly stand it.
“I love you,” Noah said. And Luke stiffened, surprised. Noah wanted to slap himself on the forehead. Why did he keep getting it wrong? He was thinking about sex when he should have been talking about love, and now he was talking about love when Luke was probably just thinking about sex. But it was all mixed up in his head, all these feelings, all this overwhelming yes that he felt whenever Luke was around.
Luke pulled back a little, looking Noah in the eyes. “That’s the first time you’ve ever said that,” he said.
“I know. I’m… I’m sorry. I should have said it a long time ago.”
“That’s okay.” Luke smiled. “You’re worth the wait.”
Noah smiled back, and they kissed again. And it started gentle, and sweet, but Luke’s body was still on him, his bare skin still under his hands, and his lips, God, his lips. Noah felt himself getting hard again already, and he slid his hands around to Luke’s belt buckle, breaking the kiss. “Luke, I want…” he said, fingering the leather, searching for words. “I want more,” he finally said.
Luke closed his eyes, swallowed hard, leaned his forehead against Noah’s again. “God,” he whispered. “I do too.” Noah took a deep breath and began to attack the buckle, but Luke’s hands were suddenly on his, stopping him. “But not… not tonight. Okay?” Noah looked back up at him, confused, and Luke shifted his weight slightly, grimacing in pain.
“Oh, shit, your legs,” Noah said, horrified at his own carelessness. God, I’m the worst boyfriend in the world. “Are you okay? Are you hurting? What can I—”
“Stop. I’m fine. I mean, yes, I’m hurting a little, but it’s fine. I’ll be fine. It’s just…” Luke’s voice trailed off, and Noah just watched him, waiting. “I’m not there yet. You know? I’m not at 100% yet. And I want to be, before we… before we do that.”
Noah raised an eyebrow, amused at Luke’s sudden shyness. “‘That?’”
And Luke was grinning at him now, sliding both hands slowly down Noah’s bare chest. “I want to be fully in control of my body so there’s nothing holding me back when I bend you over and fuck you into the mattress,” he said.
Shit. Noah’s cock throbbed. He closed his eyes. “Not helping,” he said.
“Sorry.” Luke was kissing his neck now, his chin, his face. “Sort of.” Noah captured his lips with his own and kissed him again, but broke it off before he got too carried away. When he did, Luke looked at him, serious now. “I know we’ve been waiting a long time. But is it okay if we wait a little longer?”
Bringing both hands to the sides of Luke’s face, Noah fastened him with a serious gaze, making sure he was understood. “Luke,” he said. “I would wait for you forever.”
***
And he meant it, he did. Even when he asked Luke to move in with him a week later, he meant it when he said that he wasn’t pressuring him, that they could share a home and not make love until they were both ready. When they were invited to the party at the lake house, he meant it when he said that he’d understand if Luke didn’t want to go, that he wanted it to feel right. After waiting this long, he didn’t want to screw this up.
So now, on Valentine’s Day, when they’d gotten home from their date and everyone in the house was fast asleep, Noah lay alone in his bed, thinking about Luke and the awesome make-out session they’d shared in the truck tonight, pulled into that side road again, the only place they could really be alone, feeling Luke’s hand on him, shoved down the front of his jeans, making him come the way he had for Luke five minutes earlier. He was getting hard just thinking about it, and he pulled a pillow over his head, groaning in frustration. He wanted more, so much more. Why couldn’t he have suggested a romantic weekend away for Valentine’s Day instead of just dinner and a movie?
“Doesn’t it get a little hard to breathe that way?” Noah pulled the pillow off and there was Luke, leaning back against the inside of his bedroom door, looking gorgeous as fuck in pajama pants and nothing else.
“What are you doing here?” Noah managed, his throat dry.
“What does it look like?” Luke crept forward, climbing onto the bed, crawling up his boyfriend’s body. “It’s late,” he whispered seductively, lowering his face to Noah’s ear. “Everyone’s asleep. And I’m sick of waiting.” He bit down on Noah’s earlobe and Noah actually whimpered, God, but now Luke was sinking lower, sliding Noah’s pajama pants and underwear off his hips. And just as Noah’s brain caught up to the fact that Luke was seeing his cock for the first time (since that towel slip back in Branson totally didn’t count), Luke was lowering his mouth onto it, and Noah’s head snapped back. His eyes were still open, though, and unfortunately, tragically really, the first thing his gaze happened to land on was the family snapshot on the wall, with Emma’s smiling face right there in the middle.
“God, shit, Luke, stop, stop, stop,” he muttered, pulling away, pulling his pants up, stumbling to his feet. He couldn’t stay on that bed with Luke or there would be no turning back.
“What? Did I… did I do it wrong?” Luke’s voice was impossibly small, uncharacteristically quiet, and Noah knew he had hurt him. God, he was messing everything up.
“Baby, no,” Noah said, sitting down next to him, wrapping his arms around him. “It was so good. It was… God, I’ve wanted that for so long.”
“Me too.”
“It’s just… not like this. We shouldn’t do it like this. Sneaking around, having to keep quiet, like we’re doing something wrong. And breaking Emma’s rules, when she’s been so kind to me. So amazing. I just… I can’t do it.” His voice was breaking, and he stopped. But Luke was hugging him back now.
“I understand,” he said. “But, Noah… when? Don’t you get tired of messing around in your truck? And out at the pond, and that time in the barn…”
Noah grinned at him. “That time in the barn was pretty amazing.”
“They were all pretty amazing. Don’t get me wrong, I love all of that. But don’t you want, you know… more?”
Gulp. “You know I do.” He paused. “But not like this. Not here.”
Luke paused now, sighing, leaning deeper into Noah’s arms. “Okay,” he said at last.
“We’ll figure it out, okay? We’ll plan something. Maybe a weekend away?”
They kept talking, kept planning. And it all seemed hopeful, and not so far away. But a week later, Ameera showed up. And the wait got a little longer.
***
After that, it was like they were taking turns. When Luke wanted to be with Noah, Noah needed a break. When Noah wanted to move in with Luke, Luke needed to stay at the farm with his family. And then there was the election fiasco, and the expulsion, and Luke’s downward spiral. So here it was, over a year and a half since he’d come out, two years since he’d known he wanted Luke, seven years since he’d first secretly suspected that the kids were on to something when they called him a fag, twenty years since he’d been born, probably gay right from the beginning, and after all this time, he still hadn’t gotten what he wanted. But now, at last, at very long last, the time had come.
They had found their way back to each other, and they were alone. Finally, really alone. And no one was going to burst in the door. No one was injured, no rules were being broken, nobody wanted a break. It was just Luke and Noah in a room, their room, their own apartment, finally, and Noah was so nervous he could barely breathe.
They had finished carrying in the boxes an hour ago, and Noah was setting up the bed while Luke started unpacking the “first night” box of bathroom and kitchen supplies (which, Noah had to admit, was one useful tip he’d learned from his father). But now the bed was done, and he stood staring at it, unable to move.
“Hey.” Luke was behind him, his arms sliding around Noah’s waist.
“Hey.” Instinctively, he slid his hands down Luke’s arms, covering Luke’s hands with his own. Luke began kissing his neck, and Noah clenched his jaw.
“We don’t have to, you know,” Luke said, still kissing him, so gently. “Just because we have our own bed doesn’t mean we have to have sex the first night. We can…”
“…wait?” There was a smile in his voice, and he turned around in Luke’s arms, pleased to see him smiling back.
“Yeah.”
“Do you want to wait?”
Luke gazed at him, then slowly shook his head. “Do you?” he asked softly.
“I would, you know,” Noah said. “I told you that once. I’d wait forever for you.”
Luke’s smile spread slowly, gradually, lighting up his face an inch at a time. “Lucky for me,” he said, “I think forever got here a little early.”
Noah kissed him. And kissed him. And kissed him. And clothing slid off, one piece at a time, and hands found skin and curves and soft places and hard places. Noah learned the taste of Luke’s nipples, his thighs, his come. Luke discovered hidden talents, a convenient lack of a gag reflex, a knack for angling his finger just the right way. They began speaking a new language, one made up of moans and sighs and praises to the heavens and words never uttered in church. They moved together, bodies joined, working through pain to unbelievable bliss. And then they did it all again.
When it was late, and they were exhausted, and Luke had fallen asleep in his arms, Noah looked at his lover and smiled. If anything could ever be worth that wait, it was you, he thought. Maybe, in the morning, he’d even say it out loud.
Luke sighed a little and licked his lips. At the sight, Noah felt his cock wearily attempt to rally for Round 5, but even twenty-year-olds have their limits. Besides, Luke would still be there in the morning.
He could wait.