miracle (miracle) wrote in luke_noah, @ 2008-12-05 12:26:00 |
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Entry tags: | -[luke/noah]-, fanfic, fanfic: [alternate universe], fanfic: [atwt], fanfic: rating: mature, » by: indigo_5 |
Fic: The Whole Wide World, Chapter 8
Original poster: indigo_5
Title: The Whole Wide World
Author: indigo_5
Chapter: 8
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimers: I own neither Luke, Noah, nor anything else related to ATWT. The show would look a lot different if I did.
Spoilers: None.
To review: This is Chapter 8 of a sequel to A New York Love Story, the fic I did a while back based on the Valentine’s Day AU in New York. Previous chapters can be found here: Chapter 1; Chapter 2; Chapter 3; Chapter 4; Chapter 5; Chapter 6; Chapter 7.
The original story can be found here: Chapter 1; Chapter 2; Chapter 3; Chapter 4; Chapter 5.
Summary: Noah lets Luke in.
Notes: I am a total feedback junkie. Please feed my addiction.
When Noah’s tears finally subsided, Luke stayed with him on the floor of the studio, holding him, just being quiet with him. Noah’s face was still turned away from Luke when he finally began to speak.
“There’s some stuff… I want to tell you,” he began, his cheek against Luke’s shoulder, his eyes focused on the floor. “Well, I don’t want to tell you. But I think I have to.” He stopped, biting his lip. Luke was just breathing, stroking his hair.
“I’m here, babe,” he said softly. “Take your time.” Noah paused, swallowing hard. His mind was spinning. There was so much to say, and he couldn’t seem to find any words at all. After a few moments, Luke spoke again. “Noah?”
“Sorry,” Noah said, his voice cracking. “I just… I don’t know where to start.”
He could feel Luke’s smile as he gently hugged Noah, then settled back to sit more comfortably against the wall, keeping his arms around him, not letting him go. “Okay,” he said. “Why don’t you start with the day you found out you’d be leaving your ship?”
So he did. He talked about hearing those orders, finding out they were headed for Iraq, hearing what they were going to do. He talked about the training they went through, how strange it felt to be carrying a gun at first. How eventually, he got used to it, so used to it that the gun started to feel like a part of him, like an extension of his own arm. And how somehow, that was even stranger.
He talked about arriving in Iraq, how foreign it looked, dark and poor and broken. About the bits of Arabic he learned: “hello” and “friend” and “drop your weapon.” About the children who ran to the truck when they handed out food, and the men who glared at them when they kicked up a cloud of dust on their way out of town.
And eventually, he talked about the other things. The things that were harder to talk about. The landmine that took out the truck behind his on the convoy, having missed his own by blind luck and a tire a few millimeters left of center. The blackened bodies that they passed on the side of the road when moving through areas that had been firebombed. The bullets Noah shot during the one time his unit actually discharged their weapons, and how he had no idea whether he ever hit anything. Or anyone.
And Weisman. Watching Weisman die. How he had been afraid, so very afraid, and he had failed his friend.
And then he ran out of words.
He stayed in Luke’s arms, not looking at him. He’d kept his eyes on the floor throughout it all, not wanting to see the look on Luke’s face. Feeling raw and exposed, like someone had peeled back his skin. And there was more, so much more. He’d only barely scratched the surface. But he couldn’t talk anymore.
He closed his eyes, waiting for Luke to speak. Please, God, he thought. But he didn’t know what to ask.
****
Luke had sat quietly while Noah talked, his head back against the wall, his hold on Noah gentle but secure. He listened to everything Noah said, and heard a lot he wasn’t saying too. How he compared himself to his father, and saw himself falling short. How he blamed himself for everything. How he thought of himself as a coward, or worse. Luke’s heart broke a little more with every word, but he forced himself to stay quiet. Until Noah’s words finally trailed off. Until Luke was sure he was done.
“Noah,” he said at last. “You are the bravest man I have ever known.” Noah looked up at him, surprised, and Luke placed a hand on his cheek, gazing into his eyes. “Not just for all you did,” he continued, “which was incredible. Just… I have no words.” He swallowed, stroking Noah’s cheek with his thumb. “But also for telling me this now. For talking about it. For letting me in.” Now Luke’s voice was cracking, and he cleared his throat. “You amaze me,” he whispered.
Noah hugged him then, pressing him tight, and Luke hugged back. “I love you,” he said, holding Noah close.
“I love you too.”
They stayed that way for a long while, just holding each other, breathing each other in. When they finally pulled apart, Noah was looking down again. “There’s more, you know,” he said quietly. “There’s a lot more.”
“I know,” Luke said. “But you don’t have to do it all in one night.” Noah smiled gratefully, but then the smile got bigger, and he laughed a little. Luke tilted his head at him, puzzled. “What is it?”
“I was just thinking of the first day we met,” Noah said. “You said something like that then. Remember? We had just gotten off the ferry, and I was trying to tell you how I felt about you, and I was screwing it up. And you put your finger on my lips, and said I didn’t have to do it all in one day.”
Now Luke smiled, leaning his forehead in to touch Noah’s. “I remember,” he said. “I also remember you moving my finger away and kissing me.”
Noah nodded. “I only had one day,” he said. “And I couldn’t… I couldn’t not kiss you. I just couldn’t.”
“You have more than one day now,” Luke said, his arms around Noah’s shoulders again. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. And you have all the time in the world.”
Noah exhaled, the tension visibly disappearing from his body. “Thank you,” he whispered.
It was so good to see Noah begin to relax, begin to return to himself, that Luke almost couldn’t bear to spoil it. But he knew there was one more thing they had to talk about.
“Noah,” he said, waiting until his boyfriend met his gaze. “I want you to know that you can always talk to me about this stuff. Any of it. Iraq. Your Dad. Anything. I want to listen, anytime you want to talk.” Noah was nodding. “But babe -- I don’t think I should be the only one you’re talking to.”
Noah looked confused. “What do you -- there’s nobody--” And all of a sudden comprehension dawned, and the tension was back. “You want me to see a shrink?”
“Noah, listen to me.” But Noah was pulling away, standing up, turning his back.
“I knew it,” he said. “You think I’m crazy. You think --”
“I think you need some help,” Luke said, scrambling to his feet, grabbing at Noah’s hand. Noah pulled it away, but Luke grabbed it again, turned Noah around, took both of them now. “Hey. Hey! Listen to me.”
“Luke, you don’t have to –”
“Goddamn it, listen to me!” That got his attention. Noah looked up at him, surprised.
“I thought I was the one with the temper problem,” he said, smirking.
Luke smirked back. “Asshole,” he said, kissing him gently. He squeezed Noah’s hands as their faces turned more serious. “Listen. It doesn’t mean you’re crazy. It means you’ve been through some pretty traumatic stuff. And it means you shouldn’t be placing your mental health in the hands of a twenty-one-year-old English major.”
Noah smiled. “Even if he’s really, really cute?” He moved in for a kiss, but Luke stopped him.
“I mean it,” he said. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I want you to talk to me, and I can listen, and I want to do that, but somebody ought to be involved who knows a lot more actual stuff than I do.” He paused, looking at Noah. “You’re not the only one who’s scared, you know.” I’m so scared I’ll screw this up. Don’t let me screw this up. “And… you’re also not the only one who’s ever talked to a therapist.”
****
Noah looked up again, shocked. Luke? Strong, amazing Luke had talked to a shrink? How was that possible? “When?” he finally managed.
“Back in high school. When I was really depressed, and drinking all the time. I told you about that.” Noah nodded, remembering. Luke had made it through so much. “My parents kind of forced me into it, but it was actually good, once I let the guy in. It helped.”
Noah paused, taking this in. “But -- but who would I -- I can’t exactly talk to a Navy doctor,” he said.
“We’ll find somebody. I’ll bet Health Services at school can give us a few referrals. We can even find one who’s gay.”
Noah nodded, slowly. He was looking at the floor again, but he felt Luke watching him, holding his breath.
“Please, Noah,” Luke said, taking his hands again. “For me.”
Noah lifted his head, looking into those beautiful brown eyes, and he knew he couldn’t deny him this. He couldn’t deny him anything. “Okay,” he said finally.
Luke grabbed him, squeezing him tight. “Thank you,” he whispered. And Noah slid his arms around his boyfriend, squeezing him back. He had no words. But that was okay.
They held each other the whole way home. On the street, on the subway, on the apartment stairs, they kept an arm around each other or a hand in the other’s hand. Noah thought of the day they met again, how they’d been like that on that first trip back to Luke’s apartment, just having to touch each other, not willing to let each other go. But this was different. This was bigger. They had crossed some invisible boundary, and they were closer than they ever had been. Closer than Noah had ever been to anyone. Or ever thought he could be.
When they walked into the apartment, they climbed into bed together without any need for words, kissing, gently removing each other’s clothing, no haste this time, no rush. Noah tried to touch Luke, but Luke stopped him. “Let me take care of you,” he said, whispering the words against Noah’s skin, and Noah gave in. He fell back into warm sheets and soft caresses, closed his eyes and sank into the delight of Luke’s touch, Luke’s kisses, Luke’s flickering tongue. And when Luke took him into his mouth, he’d never felt more loved, or less alone.
****
The next day was a Sunday, and Luke forced Noah to stay home all day. It was the best compromise he could get -- Noah wanted to get up early and start looking for a new job, while Luke wanted him to take a few weeks off. He finally enticed him into staying by bribing him with sexual favors, a deal that worked out pretty darned well for Luke too.
Most of the day, though, Noah slept. Luke was glad to see it, figuring Noah needed all the rest he could get, and he spent the entire time on the phone. He called Health Services, the therapist he’d seen back in Oakdale, and his old psychology professor, gathering names, getting advice. It wasn’t long before he found the perfect candidate: highly recommended, a sliding scale, and not only gay, but an ex-Marine. And he answered the phone when Luke called at home on a Sunday, and he was willing to meet Noah the next day. All signs pointed to good. Very, very good.
When Noah woke up, he took down Dr. Krauss’ information, and although he seemed less than thrilled at the prospect, he was still willing to keep his promise and go. Luke jumped into his lap with glee when he said so, making Noah laugh, making him hold Luke tight, making Luke realize that morning hard-ons could still show up even when you sleep til noon.
“Why, Mr. Mayer,” Luke said, raising an eyebrow. “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were trying to seduce me.”
Noah laughed, then grabbed Luke, kissing him deeply, pulling him close, his lips hard against Luke’s, his hands strong on his shoulder blades and the back of his neck. Luke let out a little whimper, melting into the kiss, feeling his own cock respond, as if it hadn’t been satisfied twice already that morning.
“I think I’ve done that already,” Noah said when they parted, both breathing heavy, Luke straddling Noah’s lap now, facing him, both of Noah’s hands grasping firmly at Luke’s ass.
“I’d say so,” Luke said, pulling him back into another kiss.
****
Noah leaned over Luke, pushing him down to the bed, lying on top of him, pulling off Luke’s t-shirt and kissing his neck. He bit down on the sensitive spot where his neck joined his shoulder, sucking on the flesh, and Luke moaned, his hands weaving their way into Noah’s hair. The sound drove Noah crazy, making him even harder, which he would have sworn was impossible. Moving faster now, he removed Luke’s jeans and boxers, glad he’d picked up Luke’s habit of sleeping naked because there was that much less in between them now. And now he was kneeling over Luke, one knee on each side of his hips, sliding lube over Luke’s fingers, bringing them around behind him. Luke sat up as he sank a finger into Noah, seizing his mouth in a passionate kiss, arching his finger just the right way to find that spot. When Noah threw his head back to gasp, Luke moved his mouth to Noah’s nipple, sucking on it as he sank a second finger in.
“Oh, God,” Noah moaned, moving with Luke’s hand, lost in the sensation. When Luke pulled his fingers out, he placed his hands on Noah’s hips, trying to guide him down to the bed, but Noah stopped him. He reached behind and took hold of Luke’s cock instead, slicking it with the lube left on his palm, guiding it to his entrance. Gently, carefully, Noah slid slowly down onto Luke, watching his face the entire time.
“Oohhh,” Luke moaned, his eyes rolling back in his head, his mouth dropping open. He was still sitting up, his hands moving to Noah’s back, drawing him in closer. Noah lowered his head and covered that gorgeous mouth with his own, dipping his tongue in, tangling it with Luke’s as he began to move. He rode his boyfriend, quick rolls of his hips driving Luke’s cock deep inside. Luke quickly got the idea and moved with him, thrusting upward, squeezing his arms around Noah’s waist. “Oh, fuck, baby, so good,” he said, and Noah kissed him again, swallowing his words, riding him faster. The kiss broke only when Noah came, clutching his boyfriend and groaning loud, feeling Luke lose control and release deep inside him. And Noah stayed there, kissing him, deliciously filled by him. And he was happy.
****
Luke smiled to himself as he pulled the door closed behind him, stepping out onto the Brooklyn street. It was bright and early Monday morning, and he’d managed to get up and dressed and out of the apartment without waking his gorgeous boyfriend. Noah didn’t need to be at the studio until 2:00 today, and Luke had tried so hard to let him sleep in. And this time, he had actually been successful. And Noah had his appointment with Dr. Krauss today, and Luke was feeling so hopeful about that. For the first time in a long time, he felt like everything just might turn out all right.
And then he saw the man waiting for him on the sidewalk, and the good mood slipped rapidly away. With a deep breath, Luke planted his feet, folded his arms, and faced the man in front of him. “Good morning, Colonel Mayer,” he said.
Chapter 9