miracle (miracle) wrote in luke_noah, @ 2008-11-17 06:24:00 |
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Original poster: indigo_5
Title: The Whole Wide World
Author: indigo_5
Chapter: 2
Rating: Like the last chapter, this is mostly PG, with a brief section of NC-17.
Disclaimers: I own neither Luke, Noah, nor anything else related to ATWT. The show would look a lot different if I did.
Spoilers: None.
To review: This is Chapter 2 of a sequel to A New York Love Story, the fic I did a while back based on the Valentine’s Day AU in New York. Chapter 1 can be found here.
The original story can be found here: Chapter 1; Chapter 2; Chapter 3; Chapter 4; Chapter 5.
Summary: The strain of separation begins to wear on them both.
Notes: I love feedback SO MUCH.
Noah clapped his hands briskly, trying to get some blood flowing. It was late September, they were in the middle of the ocean, and the night weather had turned cold so fast. But this was one of the few spots on the ship where he could get some alone time, and he needed it. He wanted to write to Luke again, and he couldn’t take the chance that somebody might see him.
So far, he’d been able to keep his secret. He’d gotten into the habit of slipping into the mailroom every day to grab any incoming letters of his before they went out on rounds, partly because he was so excited to see if there was something new from Luke, but partly so the guys didn’t see that he kept getting mail from a man. They thought he was a loner, one of those guys who didn’t get mail from anyone, and that was okay with him. It was better than lying, and it was better than telling the truth.
He sighed, running his hand through his hair. Sometimes, he did think about just coming clean. If he came out, he’d be out of the Navy, free to go home and be with Luke. He’d have an “other than honorable” discharge, and might even be court martialed, but he wasn’t sure if that really happened anymore. And it would mean all this would be over. But it would also mean a scandal, and it would mean breaking the promise he made when he enlisted, and even if he had signed up under duress, that still meant something to him. Plus, it meant the Navy wouldn’t help him pay for college, and after dedicating two and a half years of his life to this, that was too much to give up. His Dad had promised to pay Noah’s tuition after he served, but Noah knew better than to count on that, especially once he found out about Luke. Which he’d have to, eventually. Noah gulped hard when he thought about that, feeling the familiar panic rise up in his throat when he imagined that conversation. But, as always, he pushed it away. He couldn’t deal with that yet. He had to just keep going, put one foot in front of the other, and get through it by thinking about happier times. And Luke. There was always Luke.
Squatting down with his pad and pen, he began writing. But after “Dear Luke,” he didn’t know what to say. He never did. He worried about overwhelming Luke, saying too much, telling him how he thought about him every minute, how he missed him so much it hurt. Luke knew things about Noah that no one else in the world knew, that no one else in the world ever had, and it was lonely, and frightening. This beautiful blonde man with so much warmth, so much strength, so much kindness, held Noah’s heart completely and utterly, and Noah couldn’t even say the words. It wasn’t fair to Luke to put so much pressure on him, to tell him that he was the brightest light in Noah’s life, the only one sometimes. There had been some difficult days on this ship, and sometimes thoughts of Luke were the only thing that made Noah smile all day.
But he knew it wasn’t the same for Luke. Luke had piles of friends, tons of family. Noah had seen their pictures all over Luke’s apartment, had seen the light in Luke’s eye when he talked about them. He had such a big heart, and he drew people to him. And Noah knew without a doubt that Luke drew men to him as well. How could he not? Someone as gorgeous as Luke must get hit on all the time, and the idea made Noah’s chest ache and his stomach churn. Luke had said he would wait for him, but what did that really mean? Was he seeing other guys? Having one-night stands, or casual hookups? It would be understandable if he did. But thinking about it made Noah want to hit something, throw something, scream his head off, jump into the water, and swim all the way back to New York to wrap Luke up in his arms and take him someplace where no one would ever look at him that way again. He knew that was crazy. He couldn’t even ask Luke what he was doing. He had no claim on him. And why would Luke want to wait for a messed-up head case like him anyway?
Noah shut his eyes, burying his head in his hands. He needed to stop this. He knew Luke felt something for him. He’d said so in his letters, which Noah had read so many times by now that he’d committed every word to memory. I can’t stop thinking about you, he’d said. I miss you. Even I can’t imagine my life without you. Noah smiled, feeling his breathing start to calm down. Lifting his head, he turned his attention back to the pad of paper in his hands. “I love you,” he whispered, staring at Luke’s name. And he began to write.
****
Dear Luke,
Missing you a lot today. Had another dream about you last night, only this one was different. We were at home together, in your apartment, lying on your couch and watching a movie. You were curled up in my arms and I was holding on to you, and you were teasing me about something, and I was laughing. I don’t remember what the movie was, but I don’t think I was laughing at that. I think it was you. I just felt really happy.
Sounds stupid, I know. Definitely not as good as the last dream you told me about! You’ll have to show me that hayloft some time. But I liked this one too.
It’s getting cold here. Is it cold in New York yet? I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve seen you. I really miss you a lot.
The new classes sound great. Hope you’re not studying too hard! Wish I was there with you to help out. Or maybe I could think of some ways to distract you. Wink wink.
I’d better get back to my cabin, or the guys will start to wonder about me. Miss you.
Noah
****
Dear Noah,
I loved your dream. It sounds wonderful. And I can’t wait to have you here with me so we can do that for real. Plus, I definitely think we need to spend some time exploring your studying distraction techniques. I don’t know how I’m ever going to make it to class once you’re here. Not that I’m complaining.
I know, I know, I’m getting ahead of myself. You’ve got months left to go, and I shouldn’t complain – you’re the one doing this amazing and impossible thing, and I’m just sitting around in my apartment complaining about my psych homework. But I want to sit around in my apartment with you and complain about my psych homework. Or better yet, to sit around in our apartment with you and skip my psych homework because I’m too exhausted from the multiple hours of loud, screaming, mind-blowing, multi-orgasmic sex. Is that so wrong?
I really wish you were here. I think about you pretty much incessantly. I talk about you incessantly too, which is driving my friends crazy. They’re threatening to impose a Noah limit: no more than three conversations about you in a single day. But screw ’em, I’ll get new friends.
I miss you. As always.
Luke
****
“Happy New Ye—”
Luke slammed the door behind him, cutting off the sounds of revelry outside as he stumbled into his apartment. He was a little tipsy, not drunk, but enough to feel the effects, and more than he really should be. He knew enough about his kidney condition to know how dangerous it was for him to drink anything at all. But damn it, it was New Year’s, it was a party, and he needed it. Needed something.
He had been trying to keep up a positive tone in his letters to Noah, but lately it had been getting harder and harder. He was depressed, and lonely, and Noah didn’t need to see all that. The last thing the guy needed was to carry Luke’s worries around with him. He should be the one lifting Noah’s spirits, not dragging him down. But it wasn’t easy.
Luke slid into the sofa, thinking about that dream Noah had told him about a few letters ago, like he did every time he sat on that sofa now. Everything would be so much better if Noah was here with him. He missed him so much. He didn’t know how he was going to make it another five and a half months, which is what Noah said he had left. The release date was in June. God, June. Luke groaned. How was he going to last that long?
He had been moping around the apartment ever since he got that bit of news, and he cursed at his friends when they showed up to drag him to the New Year’s party. The last thing he felt like was celebrating, but they finally talked him into it, promising that he’d have a good time. And then a beer had seemed like a good idea, and then a second one. He ended up in a dark corner talking to a good-looking guy who was actually pretty funny, and he knew the guy was flirting with him, and he didn’t stop it right away. It just felt so good to laugh with someone, to feel someone touching his arm like that, to feel that little spark of something. But when the guy had leaned in to kiss him, it was all wrong, and he knew he had to get out of there. He had turned his head before those not-Noah lips got too close, pushed those not-Noah hands off him, stumbled away without an explanation. Not-Noah had gotten pretty mad about that, but to hell with him. Luke just grabbed his coat and headed out the door.
And now it was midnight, and he was all alone. And all he wanted was to crawl into Noah’s dream, to feel Noah behind him on the sofa, to feel Noah’s arms wrapped around him, Noah’s chin on Luke’s shoulder, Noah’s cheek against his cheek. He wanted to snuggle close and make Noah laugh, make him hug him tight, make his hands start wandering. Luke closed his eyes, imagining Noah kissing his neck as he started unbuttoning Luke’s jeans, touching him the way he had almost a year ago. Slowly, Luke started unbuttoning his own jeans, losing himself in the fantasy, finding himself already hard. And now Noah’s hand was on his cock, stroking him, pulling, twisting. Luke started breathing faster, feeling Noah around him, Noah’s lips on his neck, Noah’s fingers on his nipple, Noah’s hand stroking fast and hard. “I love you,” Noah whispered, as Luke leaned his head back onto Noah’s shoulder and moaned. “Come for me.” And Luke did, crying out Noah’s name, shooting come onto his own hand, wetting his own jeans, trembling. He lay there for several minutes before he finally opened his eyes, feeling cold and alone, smelling spilled beer and drying come and his own desperation.
“I miss you so much,” he whispered. Outside, he heard glass breaking, drunk college kids laughing, people celebrating. Eventually, he got up off the sofa, shook his head, and headed toward the shower.
****
Dear Noah,
I haven’t heard from you in a while. Did you get my last letter? I know you said the mail might be monitored now because of your ship’s new orders, and I know you can’t tell me what’s going on, but I worry about you. Please let me know you’re okay.
Not much news here. The new semester has started up and I got into that advanced creative writing workshop I told you about. We got ten inches of snow last night, really unusual for New York, and everything looks white and still and peaceful. This part never lasts long around here; by the end of the day it’ll be gray and dirty and disgusting. But right now it’s 5:00 am and there’s no one around and I’m looking out my window and thinking about you. And wondering where in the world you are right now, and if it’s snowing there.
I miss you.
Luke
****
Dear Luke,
I’m okay. It’s going to be hard for me to write for a while though. There’s a lot going on here right now, and I can’t tell you about any of it. I can’t even tell you where I am. But there’s no snow here. Sorry.
What are you doing up at 5:00 am? I know your first class doesn’t start until 10:00. Are you having trouble sleeping? I worry about you too.
I wish I could say more, but you know why I can’t. Sorry about that too.
Miss you too,
Noah
****
The phone was ringing. Luke lifted his head from the kitchen table, rubbing his eyes and realizing he’d fallen asleep over his psych textbook again. It took him a second to recognize the sound – his cell phone was practically attached to his hip, and he hardly ever got calls on the landline anymore. But then the phone rang again, and he got up, tripped over the kitchen chair, stubbed his toe, and stumbled toward the phone, cursing. He got to it midway through the fourth ring.
“Hello?” he snapped, cranky, sleepy, pulling his foot up into his hand, rubbing his sore toe. There was nothing but crackling on the other end, white noise, a bad connection. “Hello? Hello?” He could hear a voice, very faintly, but with so much scratchy noise covering it he couldn’t make out a thing. Luke furrowed his brows, frustrated. He’d been in a bad mood all day. February 14th had never been his favorite date on the calendar, but now it just reminded him of Noah, how far away he was, how long it was going to be before he got to see him again.
“I can’t hear you,” he said to the mystery caller, wondering what the hell was going on. He had heard that phones used to be like this sometimes on long-distance calls back in the old days, but not anymore, at least not in any part of the world he’d ever want to be in. And all of a sudden, Luke’s jaw dropped, as he suddenly knew exactly who was calling him. “Noah?” he whispered. He cleared his throat, pressed the phone closer, tried again. “Noah,” he said, louder this time. “Noah, is that you? I didn’t hear you. What did you say?”
And then, suddenly, the line was clear. He heard Noah’s voice, faintly, but unmistakably him. “I said, happy anniversary.”
Luke closed his eyes, smiling bigger than he ever had in his life. Relief washed over him, and something like joy. He didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
Chapter 3