miracle (miracle) wrote in luke_noah, @ 2008-10-16 23:25:00 |
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Current location: | my bed in my dorm |
Current mood: | tired |
Current music: | Beat from way loud music down the hall, and songs in my head |
Entry tags: | -[luke/noah]-, fanfic, fanfic: [atwt], ยป by: penurexpression |
Fic: When Fears Carry On (chap. 2)
Original poster: penurexpression
Title: Fears that manage to live in the day
Pairing: Luke and Noah
Warnings: None
Summary: read part one
Disclaimer: Done for pure satisfaction. Not anyhow way who associated with ATWT, CBS, AFA (just kidding I mean I don't have anything to do with them just you know they can't let the boys be). Not done for payment.
OK so here is the second chapter. I had a lot of time today because my class was canceled. Like it? Comment! And I will write more!!
I always feared that Luke would blame me, carry at least a little resentment for the shooting, the wheelchair, the depression. I thought that would be natural because it seemed to me like it was partly my fault. And then in the back of my mind I was scared of his doubts. Yeah that's fair of me to me scared of his doubts when I never feel like I'm on stable ground. What's wrong with me? But I always feared loosing him because he was sick of fighting. And that's what this nightmare was about.
In my dream I never responded to my father's letter, I even burned it. Then one day I was going through my stuff and found a letter sent a couple of days ago that I must of pushed aside. It was a letter from the prison. This time telling me that my father had killed himself. In my dream I'm sitting at the table reading the letter, I show it to Luke and he says: 'I'm sorry Noah".
I'm sorry. How could those words of changed their real meanings so quickly so many times in one night? "Noah what were you sorry for?" Luke asked again interupting my thoughts. But how could I tell him? How could I tell him that I was yelling at him in the dream? That the I'm sorry he heard me say was a small taste of what I was screaming at him in my dream. Well I was going to face it, and tell him.I sat up straight and leaned my back against the headboard. Luke mirroed my motion and put an arm on my shoulder.
"Luke, in my dream . . ." and I preceded to tell him everything up until the yelling. "I . . . I didn't know how to react to my father killing himself, and I guess I got pissed at you only being able to say I'm sorry. So I think what you heard was the part of the dream where I was yelling at you." That part of the dream flashed into my brain: "I'm sorry, that's all you have to say? My father killed himself, probably because I am not the son he wanted, you are not what he wanted for me. I'm Sorry!?!" and not wanting to I told him all I could remember.
Now I was sobbing and Luke began to cry because he didn't know what to do. "Luke you have to know that I don't believe that, that I would never say that to you. I would never blame you!" Luke looked up and I could tell he was confused. "Noah all I ever wanted for you is to be happy, but I can't really help you" He reached his other arm around me so he was embracing me and continued "Twice in a row you have had dreams of your father killing himself. And in those dreams you lose me. The first one I died, the second I'm sure if it had continued it would of ended with me not being able to face you. I think you need help." I looked over at him: "Luke how could you say that? My father deserves to be dead either of his own or someone else's doing, why should I care?"
"Why were you afraid to come out?" He asked gently and I knew I just had to follow his lead. "Because I was afraid of my judgmental father." I answered. "But you didn't want to lose him because he is your father and before me and the whole Synder clan he was your only family. Like I said I will never force you to forgive him, but for your sake there some issues that need to be worked out."
Sun was peering for the shades that I had opened up when I had originally thought that Luke would need me. He stood up after giving me one last squeeze. "I have to go back to my room so I don't get caught" he smiled and when I gave only a half smile in return he quickly went out of the door without saying another word. What was I going to do?
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An hour or two later the house became alive and took on a different mood then it had during the night. Almost like a mask the house put on to cover up the hurt that occurred in the hours the sun did not shine. Almost like the mask Noah felt like he had to put on.
I just laid in my bed after Luke left and waited trying not to really think. Then my alarm went off and the radio turned on letting the first sentence of Ben Lee's Catch My Disease fill the area surrounding my nightstand: "My head is a box full of nothing and that's the way I like it" and the song continued on as I got up. I kinda liked the song and really wished my head was filled with nothing. I put on a tee and opened up my computer to check my email and stuff. My instant messenger box was still open with a few names set with away messages but the green dot next to Luke's screename showed that he was not away form his computer. Then a box appeared on the screen saying "I love you like fireworks". So I sent a message back to Luke asking him if my radio was so loud that he could here the song in his room. "No I changed my alarm so it would go off to the same radio station as you, and I like that song". It was stuff like that that Luke did that made me a bit happier then I was before. As soon as I sent a :) back to him my door opened and two girls half my height came running in. "NOAH" they said at the same time. I jumped up from my desk chair and kneeled down on the ground in front of them.
After we had a good group hug Natalie decided to tell me why they had come in anyway. Lily called for Faith to come downstairs and Natalie went towards my bed and laid down spreading her arms and legs like she was about to make a snow angel. "This used to be my room you know." her tiny voice speaking over the radio that was now playing Chasing Cars. I walked over to the bed and turned off the radio and sat down next to her. "I know, thank you for moving in with Faith" I said as she moved over and motioned for me to lay down as well. "Oh it's okay, I'm just glad you're here. You are so nice and funny. Plus I know you let Faith win her stupid video games" she said laughing and then rolling over so she could hug me. I briefly wondered if Luke had told her to give me this talk. "Can I ask you something Noah" she asked sounding slightly muffled since she had a head pressed onto my shoulder. "Sure" I said wondering what I had done to deserve her trust in me. "I have been having trouble with social studies and we had this group project but I just felt like everything I did was wrong or just not good enough. What do you do when you feel like you can't do anything at all?" she whispered afraid to let others here just how badly she felt. I sat up and thus moved the tiny girl so she was sitting on my lap and I turned her around a bit so she could look me in the face. "Nat, you can do anything you want. Sure sometimes you might screw up, or something goes wrong. But you know what the best part about that is?" I continued after she just simply shook her head no "You can learn from that. You just have to know that what's stopping you is just in your head" she smiled and gave me one more hug. Then Faith's voice rang through the staircase calling everyones name and then saying that breakfast was ready. "You can sit next to me" Natalie said as she climbed off the bed and ran downstairs.
I turned off the light and walked out of the room to find Luke sitting on the ground against the wall right outside my room. "Hey" I said as he got up and wiped his eyes. "Good morning" he said and kissed me on the cheek. He had obviously been crying but his face wasn't the same way as it was last night. "Noah" he said before I had a chance to question him "You were so great with my sister. I just wish you had that kind of faith in your self." His voice had cracked a bit whether he thought he hid it or not, I heard it. He smiled a bit and I took his hand as we walked down the stairs and I said right before we approached the door: "Maybe I will".
Breakfast was loud and crazy as usual. And as usual I wouldn't trade it for the world. Afterwards Luke and I headed up to our rooms to get dressed for classes. Today I had contemporary European history and then other film editing and film and lit related classes. Luke was in the same Europe class as I was so I loved the class even more. We were talking about it when we walked to Java and for a minuet the day that I yelled at him for siding with my father about that stupid letter flashed into my head. I tried to just shake it away as Luke talked about his idea for his creative writing class, I loved listening to him talk about what went on in his head. But all hope was lost when we walked in and I bumped right into my fathers lawyer. "Ah Noah I was hoping you would be here".
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And btw j525 went on your page and LOVE the van jake stuff!