InsaneJournal

How was it, that in a blink of an eye, your entire life could be flipped upside down? How was it, that in an instant, one look at someone you had known for years could change you forever? And you could seriously feel yourself changing…molding….transforming, thoughts and questions different then before.

Never in my life, had one person ever had such an effect on me. Never in my life had one person been able to keep me up at night, twisting and turning and losing myself in my bed sheets. Days later, Luke’s face when he smile still remained painted in my head, waking me up in the middle of the night, and allowing me to study it whenever I let my mind wander. And it drove me near insane, the way I couldn’t stop thinking about someone I wasn’t even supposed to like. Someone I wasn’t even supposed to get along with. Yet for days, he was the root of all my thoughts, everything eventually returning to him. In class I would see him, lightly tapping his pencil against his teeth in an effort to get an idea. And my heart would tremble, its cage too small as it fought to crawl out of me. How could he sit there so innocently, and unaware of the power he held? Unaware of the emotions he cursed me with? I would see him in the wall, his gaze focused forward, looking but not really seeing. And I would still want to cower to the lockers, hoping to dissipate myself and my feelings. I would see him during lunch, hanging off every word Noah said, his laugh the sweetest sound I had ever heard. And I would wonder if it was possible that I was simply going crazy. It was either that, or I was falling in love, which was in no way possible.

Finally, after a week of dealing with my tortuous feelings, I got up the nerve and asked Noah to meet me at the beach so we could talk. I couldn’t stop thinking about Luke, and I couldn’t help thinking that maybe there was something more to him than I had previously thought. I had to know. No. I needed to know.

We met at the beach at six in the afternoon. The sun was just starting to set, giving the sky an orange hue. The water was calm and slow moving, lightly pushing against itself in small waves. For a long time, the two of us stood silently, watching the sunset with great interest. Finally, the silence that hung in the air became so heavy that I began to feel suffocated.

“So….” I said, hating the awkward atmosphere. I stuck my hand in my pockets, and rocked back and forth on my heels.

“So….” He mocked lightly, his eyes twinkling mischievously. I narrowed my eyes at him, suddenly realizing what he was trying to do.

“Jerk.”

“Loser.”

“Dumbass.”

“Fartface.”

“MORON!” We screamed simultaneously, cracking up until our sides hurt and our eyes teared. It was our old little “insult” game that we used to play. I was surprised he still remembered it, but it did help break the thick tension. We got quiet, but at least it wasn’t uncomfortable. It made it easier to talk.

“So….tell me about Luke.” I looked at Noah out of the corner of my eye, and managed to catch him blink in surprise. I knew what I said shocked him, considering I had never shown an ounce of interest in anything concerning Luke before. It was probably the last thing in the world he’d expected me to say. I turned to face him, only to see he was staring back at me quizzically.

“Why?” he asked, his eyes narrowing suspiciously. I shrugged, figuring there was no point in lying to him.

“I wanna more about him. I dunno…maybe see him through your eyes.” Noah blinked in surprise again, before turning his body back to face the ocean.

“What do I tell you?”

“I dunno…”

“That doesn’t help me, moron.”

“Fine, bonehead. Tell me…anything. Whatever makes you happy, and whatever you’re willing to share.” Noah was quiet for a long time, his gaze focused on the ocean,. I stood patiently, waiting for him to gather his thoughts. I’m not normally a very patient person, but beggars can’t be choosers (or something like that). If I wanted to learn more about Luke, which I desperately did…, I had to let Noah do it at his own accord. It was a long time before Noah spoke again, smiling coyly.

“He’s beautiful.”

I squinted at him, confused. Out of all the things he could have said, he picked that? I didn’t question him though, and waited for him to continue.

“He doesn’t think he is, and he doesn’t know why I think he is. He doesn’t understand what I see when I look at him.” Noah paused again, taking a deep breath.

“He loves the rain.” I blinked, my face scrunching in confusion. But still. I didn’t question him, instead choosing to nod slowly.

"It makes him feel calm, and I dunno...happy. Sometimes he goes to the window, and he just watches the rain for some time. Then, he goes outside---no jacket, no shoes---and he starts...spinning around. I don't really understand it, but I don't really care. Sometimes, I go outside with him and we spin around together, and jump in puddles, and I give him piggyback rides. But mostly, I like watching him inside. I can never keep my eyes off of him..." Noah paused again, seemingly deep in thought.

"He used to have this dog. He found her at the park when he was younger. She was homeless and gimpy...but Luke refused to go home without her." Noah smiled softly, running his hands through his hair.

"He's just stubborn like that.....anyways. He loved her so much. But then, she died two years ago because of cancer." He shook his head sadly, as if wishing he could have somehow prevented it. Suddenly, I felt like the world's biggest jerk. It was more obvious now more than ever that we had all chosen to hate someone we knew nothing about. Someone who was every bit as human as the rest of us. And I now hated myself for choosing to hate him.

I felt a lump form in my throat, but I swallowed it, feeling it slowly ride down my body.

"I'm sorry..." I managed to croak out. Noah shook his head again, smiling sadly.

"Not your fault."

"Anyways, he was a huge mess after that. He was really sad and he got pissed at me for dumb things. I felt pretty useless, because all I wanted was for him to be happy. I only wanted to make him smile....but I didn't know how to do that without messing up. But...I finally came up with an idea. I saved up all my money and I got him a puppy for Valentine's Day." Noah's face lit up, the bright twinkling in his eyes returning.

"Gods, you should've seen him! Luke was so happy! He couldn't stop crying, and then he was so bubbly! Dancing around the room...singing." Noah paused, laughing softly.

"He named it Nuke!!" He grinned sheepishly, his eyes laughing.

"Nuke?"

"Luke and Noah combined, duh!" He rolled his eyes, and I stuck my tongue out. We shared a laugh, before silence took over again.

"He hates watching scary movies."

"Huh...?"

"They scare him. No--scratch that. They freak him out." Noah chuckled heartily. "He never keeps his feet on the ground when we're watching them, because he thinks something’s gonna come outta nowhere and like, pull him into the unknown, or something like that."

"And he gets all paranoid, thinking there's something behind him that's gonna eat his face off. He gets nightmares, and then he can't even go to the bathroom by himself!"

"He makes me wait outside the door 'till he finishes!" The two of us burst out laughing. As much as I didn't want to admit it...that was actually kind of cute.

"But...he watches them anyway...just because I love them so much." I was so shocked at that moment that I could barely think of something mildly intelligent to say, let alone nod. So I settled for saying nothing.

"Every time I make him smile or laugh, I get so happy. He has no idea how beautiful he is when he smiles. His face...I dunno, it sort of comes to life and his smile goes all the way to his eyes. He always makes me feel like I can't breath when he smiles....but it's not a bad thing at all...I love that I'm the only one who gets to see that side of him. I'm the only one who can make him happy. I'm the only one who understands him...." Suddenly, Noah's face seemed to darken, his eyes becoming cloudy and unreadable.

"One time...I caught him cutting himself. It wasn't a deep cut, but it was enough to bleed real bad. I bandaged him up...then I yelled at him. He yelled back, of course, and then we just sorta hugged for a long time...Then I asked him why he'd done it." Noah paused, and I could almost sense the myriad of emotions going through him, caused by just thinking of the overwhelming memory.

"He told me he'd wanted to know how it felt to control your pain. And....I asked him how it felt. He...he told me that it burned. It burned so badly, and his arm felt like it was on fire....and he just started crying and sobbing...and he couldn't stop, and I just...I just...." Noah stopped, and I knew that he wouldn't continue. A question formed in my throat, and and before I could stop myself, I felt it coming out of my mouth.

"Why do you put up with it?" I winced, preparing myself for Noah's rage.

"Put up with what?

"All of it! The mood swings, the psycho attitude...any of it!" Noah didn't answer at first, his eyes slowly becoming less clouded. Suddenly, they became readable again, the emotion becoming clear as night. He turned to me, determination flashing in his eyes.

"When we started getting closer, I made a promise."

"Huh?"

"I promised him that no matter what, I would never leave him. No matter how horrible he got, no matter what stupid things he said out of anger, no matter how hard he tried to push me away...I promised him I would stay by his side. He wants me in his life. He needs me in his life....and I need him." The determination flashed again, but stronger than before.

"....I intend on keeping my promise." I stood shocked into a state in which words were unattainable. I stared into Noah's deep blue eyes, desperately trying to find reminiscences of the immature bonehead I used to know....but no luck. Instead, I stood faced with someone who knew how it felt to love and be loved. Someone who knew how it felt to share someone else's pain merely because you loved them. Someone who knew how it felt to want to protect the person you loved with your life. Someone who knew how it felt to be ready to give up your life for the person you loved at any given moment. And I realized that Noah, unlike the rest of us, had grown up a long time ago.

"..."

"That's a pretty big thing to promise...." I said, my voice quiet and soft. Noah smiled, his eyes sparkling once again.

"He's worth it."

"...You really love him....don't you?"

"...More than 'I love you' could ever say...." Noah turned back to the ocean, a small half smile planted on his face, and his eyes calm and certain.

"When I look at him...I see someone who cares so much about the people close to him. I see someone who's afraid to love...afraid to let people too close to him, but takes the chance at happiness. I see...someone....someone who's been through so much crap in his life, but still manages to be so strong. I see someone...with such a free spirit.... And it's all of those things, and so much more....that make him beautiful to me."

I nodded, because that enough to make me understand. To the rest of us, Luke was just one person we were forced to tolerate…but to Noah, he was the moon, the stars, the world, the galaxy. He was air, he was simply…everything. Noah didn’t necessarily say that, but I could read it from his words, his actions towards Luke, and especially from his eyes. But I also understood something else. Luke was not the emo-case my friends and I had put him up to be. Not even close. He was so much more than that. He was caring, considerate; brave….he was beautiful in every way, a kind light radiating from within him.

Maybe that’s the problem with stereotyping. You end up putting a standard and behavior for everyone to meet, never willing to except that there’s so much more to everyone than the image they portray.

Just from Noah’s words about Luke, it was easy to believe how simple it would be to accidentally fall in love with him. And that scared me, because it was the last thing I needed. So I made a decision. I would stop acting like I couldn’t stand the mere mention of Luke, and start treating him like a human being. But I refused to become close to him. I refused to become actual friends with him, because it would be much too easy to fall in love with him. It would be much too easy to ruin whatever was left of the relationship Noah and I once had. I would never forgive myself if things got messed up between them because of my wacked up emotions that I couldn’t control.

I may not completely understand their relationship, but what I do understand is that they make each other happy. They may be opposites, but they complete each other. And that's all good enough for me. Besides, I'm starting to think that they don't really care about anyone else's opinion anyway. They would still love each other, despite what anyone else thought or said. They wouldn't care if people told them they were way too young to know what true love is. After all, the rest of us are just outsiders to their relationship. Outsiders, trying our best to look in.