Coming to Terms What the hell am I doing? I stare at the phone in my hands, and I can't stop thinking that everything's changed, and really, the only thing that's changed is me. It's been almost a week since I've seen Sakae or Kaneda, and in that time, I've barely thought of anything else. Thoughts of Sakae are bad enough, but I can't help recalling the way his skin glowed silver in the moonlight, bare and beautiful. It made me ache to touch it, though I never expected to have such an urge for another man. But at least I can almost accept these feelings for Sakae. I would never touch him without his permission, and the thought of seeing him again makes me shiver and ache all at once.
But the one keeping me away is Kaneda. What are they to each other, that he'd visit Sakae's room in the middle of the night just to jack off? Was that the real reason Sakae wanted me in the room? Because he thought I could somehow protect him from Kaneda's sight? Or was Kaneda the liar, talking about that business overnight? Was it just a ruse to catch Sakae off-guard? All these thoughts whirl inside my brain, but the one that keeps coming back up, no matter how hard I try to banish it, is how incredible Kaneda looked, framed in the window as his gold mingled with Sakae's silver. They're such opposites all the time, from personalities to bodies, and my mind's eye can't help but dwell on how they'd look entwined, limbs tangled as they give into whatever this is between them. It's just...
One thing troubles me through all these thoughts, through the fantasies that I play over and over again as I linger in the bathtub, or lay in bed staring up at the ceiling. If they give into this... if they pursue it... where does that leave me? I shift in bed, turning onto my side and resting my hand against the rest of the pillow, empty as always, and all I can feel about this is lost. I have a decision to make. I have to figure out whether I want to continue to go back there, knowing what I know now, or if I want to break things off cleanly, before my friendship with Sakae becomes even more complicated. The thought of not seeing him again is a pain in my gut, but with it comes the knowledge that I wouldn't ever have to face that icy look of Kaneda's.
And that's something else, I realize as I lay there. I understand that look finally. I know what prompted it. I know what Kaneda's thinking when he looks at me so coldly. Whenever I was with Sakae, we laughed so freely. It wasn't that he hated me specifically. It must be jealousy - he must want what it is I have with Sakae.
It's no good. I can't sleep again, and thinking about the two has tightened my body until I know it will take some relief before I can relax again enough to sleep. I sit up, resting my hand on my cheek as I sit in the dark thinking. My free hand trails along the sheets as my eyes close again. I like to think that I'm being moral when I try to hold off the desire, but I never really succeed. Instead, it's just a matter of my hand creeping closer and closer, until I can touch myself as the images float up once again. I focus on them, fighting with the pure pleasure in order to attempt objective thought. If I walked away now... what would it really accomplish? But it isn't objective thought that brings me to my final decision. It's a single memory... Sakae's smile.