Who: Emile What: Tuesday Prayer Session Where: The Church When: 1:30pm, Tuesday 9/30 Rating: PG
Emile entered the church a few minutes before his schedule prayer time. The brass handle on the solid oaken door was a little chilly still from the Autumn air. As he entered, the air carried the same smell of musty tomes, aged velvet and the petrichor that seemed to linger in between the stone bricks hours and days after the last rain. After all these years, he was used to it, and it brought a sense memory of solitude and focus, exactly what he needed when he entered the pews.
When it came down to it, while Emile had been raised in a simple Christian community, and even with his first-hand knowledge of the existence of the Angelic order, he didn’t consider himself loyal to any specific denomination or religion for that matter. He was pragmatic about his state. He was a person, half-angel, half-human and a free spirit that would travel his own path and discover his own trials and tribulations. That was a point of prayer that he learned early on from the Priest here. It was not what one followed, but how one followed that mattered. He wasn’t sure of the presence of an overall knowing being and their effect on the world. What he did know was the here and now, and prayer was, for all intents and purposes, a means of self-reflection and transcendence into who one wanted to become.
Seating himself in the left front row pew, he felt the hard wood surface with his soft hands and settled back against the disciplined back, finding as much comfort as possible for his meditations. He would be uninterrupted, that was the agreement of this place, and with recent events, he surely needed it.
Closing his eyes, he began…
I don’t know what to feel about Wesley. I don’t know what to feel about boys, partnership, love, or any of it in general! What is the point of it all? To not be alone? I’ve been fighting that for years. I am alone. My parents are dead…well, Mother is dead, she must be. I don’t know. Father…I don’t even know what to think of that. I had a father on this planet, and he was a pawn to his family’s greed and ended up shooting my grandfather and mother for their land. That isn’t a father, that’s a placeholder, and a malicious one at that, a double-agent, a pawn. My real father…the Angel, I don’t even know who he is, probably will never know. I have no father. I have no mother. I am alone.
No, that’s not true. I am not alone. There are professors looking out for me. The priest will advise me when needed. And Wesley and Simeon are friends. But…I don’t even know what friends are. Are they the family you choose? Will they turn on me with secret plots that I could never be aware of? Can I truly trust anyone?
That’s a defeatist attitude and I need to acknowledge that. The person that trusts no one, he is truly alone and he chooses that for himself. I need to choose to trust people.
I think I can trust Wesley, but for what purpose. For a friend? For a lover? For a partner? Who knows. I don’t know. I don’t really understand how that all works. Is human interaction and the development of relationship just a mess of chaos and tumbling bricks with the hopes of a path being laid? Or is it a piece of wet clay, spinning, that one must shape and explore and pour purpose into until it becomes a necessary part of your life? I would hope the latter, that would seem more purposeful to life. Something we choose and create and give importance to, instead of the chaos. I really don’t like chaos.
I really don’t like chaos. The unknown is a frightening place that will drive us all insane. I don’t know how people can live inside of it. Secretly, that is my worry with the half-demons. I worry about that with Sim, he does seem a chaotic, and while I certainly have no reason to fear him based on his actions, he is new to his race and who knows what will become of it.
Alright, that is off topic. Friends. Lovers.
I think Wesley wants to have sex and I really REALLY don’t know where that fits into the whole scheme of things. Is that part of the molding process of a relationship? I was raised to think that that step came later, after all the other rules of courtship and agreements were set up. Then again, my mother was raped by an angel. I worry that the sex part is just that, a visceral need that serves one purpose and one purpose only. After that, a person can just disappear and leave you in the dirt. Literally.
In that, I tend to side with the courtship protocol. But…then again, that carries it’s hidden daggers and pitfalls as well. My adopted father went through those proper channels and look how that ended up.
This is all too much and I really don’t have any experiential evidence to help. Maybe…maybe…I just need to do what I want. But what do I want?
I like Wesley. I think he’s smart, clever, caring, friendly, chivalrous, helpful, and while I shouldn’t put too much value in this, extremely attractive. The way I felt with his kisses and his body shrouding me into the grass. That was a feeling I’ve never felt before and I want it again so badly. But why do I want it. Is it to feel accepted? But is that really acceptance? I mean, on the grander scale. I don’t know. But, does anyone ever really know?
I want Wesley to love me, and I think that the definition of love is one of acceptance, and support, and caring for that person above all else. But is that fair to ask of another person? They should probably discover whether they want to fulfill that on their own. Can I mold him to that? That’s probably unfair to objectify someone as a piece of clay to mold. NO!
We are the clay and we are the mold.
So, the question is: Do I pursue this or not? I’m not going to have sex with a person just to have sex. That goes against everything I stand for. Maybe I should make that known to him. To bring him into the molding process if he wants too. Yes, that’s it. Communication. Let him know my intentions and expectations. I don’t expect successful results, but I expect the process.
I hope that isn’t asking too much, but there’s only one way to find out…