InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I only celebrate achievement."

Remus Lupin is suffering from teenage angst (prefect_wolf) wrote in loremrpg,
@ 2011-05-12 17:57:00

Entry tags:

!incomplete, dorcas meadowes, remus lupin

Characters: Remus Lupin and Dorcas Meadows
Setting: 6th year Gryffindor boys dormitory, Wednesday night
Summary: After some drunken snogging, Dorcas and Remus finally have a talk
Rating: Mild for now

It was probably the worst day Remus had in a while. Classes were miserable, his friends were no where to be found and now, to top it all off he had gotten kicked out of the library after a rather intense shouting match in the library, Thoughts of losing his Prefect badge followed him the whole way up to the dormitory, where he threw his things on the bed and collapsed in a heap. It was completely miserable. Of course he knew there was no way he would lose his badge over something this small, but the young Gryffindor had felt so out of control lately. Remus wasn't exactly a control freak, but all of this nonsense...he was losing himself.

And now, after browsing mindlessly through his journal, he saw the message from Dorcas he had been waiting for and dreading all at the same time. They needed to talk and sort this whole thing out. He needed to say how he felt without any firewhiskey in his system and hopefully save himself from this disaster of a situation. Sitting on his bed, he was trying to make it look as though he was casually reading a book. Thankfully the room was empty, probably because he had stormed in in such a rage, practically spitting in rage at his fellow 6th years. This wasn't exactly turning out to be one of Remus's best nights.

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dorcasjmeadowes
2011-05-13 01:02 pm UTC (link)

To say that Dorcas was a selfless person would be considered an obvious statement, well, to everyone but her. She had a habit of putting everyone's feelings before her own, and even on the rare occasions when she did actually acknowledge her own worries, she simply bottled them up, reassuring everybody that she was fine. Besides, she had too many people she cared about, and too many people to worry about. Her energies needed to go into helping them, not worrying about herself and if she was okay. And if she wasn't, she'd just palm it off being too terrified of even speaking to another person about them because it would make her not only seem vulnerable, but she'd feel it too. Maybe that was why the whole thing with Remus confused her, because for once she felt like she had to actually be wholeheartedly honest with someone who wasn't her father or Caradoc, and that wasn't okay with her. She was also a little irritated about everything that had transpired after Sirius' party. Things had changed between them, and she wasn't too pleased about that. She didn't particularly care about what happened, she just wanted to get back to normal, or something similar. And, as much as she replayed everything in her mind she couldn't find the point where she had doing anything wrong that night. Sure, she probably shouldn't have kissed him when he was a little more than intoxicated but now he was the one acting strange and he was the one who had been avoiding eye contact with her.

However, in all honesty, Dorcas wasn't about to blame her current mood on the situation with Remus. She'd grown worried about everything with her family, as well as a little hurt that she had hardly spoken to Narcissa since the whole birthday party conundrum. It wasn't like Dorcas wanted to excuse Narcissa's behavior, but, she was still a good friend of hers, and it hurt nonetheless. With everything that had been floating through her mind lately, she wasn't exactly sure what emotion belonged to what situation. She wasn't sure whether her anger was directed at Narcissa or Remus, she wasn't sure whether she was more hurt about everything, and her worrying only got worse when other things were brought into the equation. When she had a influx of journal responses she grew a little irritated with herself for even posting it in the first place. People asked whether she was okay, and again, she was having to churn out the "I'm fine" speech. When she had days like this particular one, her first thought would be to run off to Caradoc and rant about everything. That had been the first thought after posting that entry, though, surprisingly after Doc disappeared out of her mind for a split second, Remus popped into her head. She wasn't sure if she wanted to spill everything out about her worries to him or anything, but she just felt like being around him, and their current situation was making that difficult. However, that one specific thought, the thought that suggested that she actually wanted to be around a person even in the mood she was in was rather shocking and completely out of the ordinary. That specific thought is what fueled her to be her right at this specific moment, if she held onto it long enough she'd pull through this, and work everything out. If he didn't, well, she'd have to make him.

Her knuckles danced along the wood of the door, making a pattern of sounds before she opened the door, not particularly caring that no one had really invited her in. Dorcas noticed the room was empty, her eyes found Remus as she glanced around the dorm. She slowly moved in, heading towards Remus' direction before she planted her feet firmly on the ground at the foot of the bed. Her lips stretched into a forced smile as she looked at him, nodding her head in a form of greeting. "Hi," she said softly, her eyes darting out the window quickly before returning back to the boy lounging on the bed. Dorcas licked her lips thinking for a moment before she spoke. "Okay, I'm going to say a few things, and you've gotta promise you won't laugh or interrupt." She said determinedly as she fiddled with the end of her sweater sleeve, suddenly knowing exactly what she wanted to say.

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prefect_wolf
2011-05-13 07:42 pm UTC (link)

The tapping on the door caught Remus's attention and he relaxed when he saw Dorcas enter the room. He wasn't really feeling up to telling off one of his roommates again. For a split second he considered going to her, hugging her or something, but he settled for just actually looking at her. If Remus was being honest with himself he had been acting like a total idiot. And as he sat there, his heart hammering in his chest, he realized why.

He was terrified of losing her.

Shifting slightly so he was sitting up more and feeling attentive, Remus didn't speak until she had finished her request. They had been friends for a long time, and he could tell it was a forced smile on her normally lovely face. He took a deep breath and, looking directly at her, braced himself for the worst.

"Okay, Dorcas, I'm all ears," It was all he could say.

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dorcasjmeadowes
2011-05-14 07:26 am UTC (link)

Dorcas sighed heavily as she rubbed her palms against one another, thinking of what to say. It wasn't as if she didn't know what she wanted to say, she just didn't have the slightest idea how to say it. Conversation came easy to Dorcas, but when it came to talking about things she felt, it always proved to be difficult. Her eyes found the window again as she gathered her thoughts, trying not to concentrate on the uneasiness of the situation. She wasn't nervous per say, but the situation was entirely foreign to her, and the fact that she'd have to discuss what she was feeling was something she was inexperienced at.

Her eyes returned back to Remus as she exhaled heavily again. Dorcas quickly brushed a strand of hair behind her ear, licking her lips before finally breaking the silence. "Okay," she breathed, pausing again as she shifted nervously on the spot. "So, um, what you said Sirius' party, well, you don't have to mean it. I mean, people say things when they're drunk, and sometimes they don't mean it. And that's okay, I'm not going to hold it against you." She said genuinely okay with the thought. She wasn't about to force someone to believe in their words, if they didn't mean it in the first place. She looked around the room quickly before turning back to Remus, hoping he wouldn't interrupt her, because she still had a lot more to say. Dorcas exhaled again as she realised the second part of what she had to say was a little more intense.

Dorcas sighed again as she rubbed her palms together as she glanced out the window once more. Her eyes bounced around, avoiding any kind of contact with Remus. "And if I'm being honest, I'm kind of mad at you." She said, her eyes finally reaching the boy. "I'm mad at you for saying what you said because that's why I kissed you. I'm even more mad about the fact that you've basically been avoiding me." She breathed out again, not really angry, just a little hurt. "I'm even more mad at you for making me feel this way. I don't do this, I hate telling people how I feel because then it means I'm vulnerable, and then that means I can get hurt. I hate that feeling." She had already started pacing, and in all honesty she wasn't sure if she was exactly sure if she was talking to herself or Remus. She stopped and look directly at him before continuing. "And there's this thought in my head that won't go away. It's paralyzing because it's terrifying. Normally the only person I want to talk to when I feel angry or sad is Caradoc, but suddenly you're popping into my head." She moved over to the bed on the right side of Remus' not really caring who's it was as she slumped down onto the edge, letting her head fall into her hands, hiding the fact that her eyes were welling up a bit. She was turning the situation into something much bigger than it had to be, but her current mood wasn't helping at all as well as the fact she was worried about her family. After a few moments of gathering her thoughts and herself together, she looked back up at Remus wondering if she'd got her point across. "I hate feeling like I need you," she breathed, a little quieter than her previous words but just loud enough so he could hear.

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prefect_wolf
2011-05-14 07:23 pm UTC (link)

Remus let her words crash down around him, resisting the urge to speak and answer her questions. But he bit them back. Dorcas wanted to get it all out, and he would of course honor that request.

The first part made him almost smile. It was so hard for him to be honest, to just say what he was thinking because he was scared. Remus was a Gryffindor, true enough, but when it came to women they scared the hell out of him. But when she reached the second part, it started to hurt. The Gryffindor boy had been acting badly, true, but it wasn't that he didn't mean the words he said. He did, Remus knew that now. His heart was now hammering like a drum in his throat as she covered her face. She felt like she needed him...was that really so bad?

It was quiet for a moment as Remus tried to steady himself mentally. It was a lot to take in. "First, Dor, I meant what I said at Sirius's party...I don't remember it all exactly but I think you're wonderful and I love being around you. I feel like a complete prat that it happened that way but..." he trailed off, looking down for a moment and staring at his hands. "All of this," he gestured between the two of them and looked back at her. "It scares me and I'm worried it will change everything."

But it already had or they wouldn't be sitting here right now. Dorcas almost in tears and Remus feel like he would crack and break apart at any moment. He had never considered the fact that what he said cause her to kiss him, but did that mean Dorcas didn't actually feel that way? Was it a kiss she had given purely because she felt obligated? Remus wanted so badly to cross over to Dorcas on the other bed and give her a hug, but her last words still stung long after she said them.

"Is it really so bad that you want to be around me?" there was a feeling of exasperation in his voice as he watched the blond, feeling his voice shaking just a touch. "That, well, we were finally honest with each other?"

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dorcasjmeadowes
2011-05-15 11:28 am UTC (link)

After letting her words sink into the silence, she realised that she had been a little too harsh, and she was starting to doubt her words. Sure, she meant the most of them, especially the ones about feeling like she needed him, because that was true. She regretted the part the part when she said she was mad at him. She wasn't really, maybe she was just a little hurt. They'd hardly spoken since that night, and reluctantly it had taken its toll on her. After getting everything she wanted to say out, she felt like a weight had lifted off her shoulders, however, the regret she felt was still hanging around in the pit of her stomach. Dorcas took in what he had said about meaning his words but forgot about them for a few moments as he asked her if it was bad being around him. The slight exasperation in his voice shocked her a little, unsure whether he was more hurt or angry, and an expression of disbelief spread across her face. She sighed and shook her head a little, wondering if what she said was unclear. It seemed clear enough to her, didn't she just say she needed him? That in itself should have been enough for him, but all the same, she was new at talking about what she thought and felt, so maybe it hadn't made any sense whatsoever.

She rose from the bed rapidly, a little panicked and confused. Dorcas moved closer to Remus' bed, settling in back in her previous position at the foot of the bed. "No, no! I wasn't saying that," she exclaimed as she shook her head fiercely, her voice a little panic stricken, terrified she'd said the wrong thing or hurt him. "I mean, I guess.." She breathed out heavily as she leaned on the bed post, closing her eyes for a few moments. After taking in a few deep breaths, she opened her eyes again looking directly at Remus. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that whether I like it or not, or whether you like it or not, you've got me. And I guess us not speaking or being us made me think about everything. I've been worried and upset, and it turns out that you're the person I want to be around. And, I don't do this, you know, depending on someone this much. I've seen what it does to people, and I don't want it to happen to us, I don't think I could bare it." She breathed in again, a little out of breath by her words.

After she took a few brief moments to catch her breath, she remembered what he said prior to the things that caused her to panic. The thought brought a smile to her lips, one she quickly covered up by softly biting the right corner. She dropped her gaze down to her feet as she brushed a strand of hair behind her ear before she looked back at him. "I think things are already changing. And it's happening so fast I don't think anything can stop it. I mean, if we do this, and then fight like crazy or I drive you up the wall or something absolutely horrid happens I know that I won't stop caring about you. Whether we're friends or whatever else that won't change," she said softly before smiling a little. "Besides, it's me we're talking about. Even if we do stuff this up, you know you won't be getting away that easily. I'll bug you until we're us again." Dorcas licked her lips, thinking about what she had said, hoping it had been reasonable, and made perfect sense. Well, it had to her. Whatever happened between them, if they did screw it up, she wouldn't stop caring about him or stop seeing him as a friend, she was quite sure of that. Well, unless he did something horrid like what Rabastan did, but something was telling her Remus was much better than that, a hell of a lot better. Dorcas was still feeling a little unsure, afraid of everything she had been feeling, but she wasn't going to lie to herself anymore, she liked him a hell of a lot. And if that meant her putting herself in the firing range, well, she could maybe live with that. Nevertheless, it was all still a little too foreign to her.

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prefect_wolf
2011-05-15 02:46 pm UTC (link)

Remus felt his jaw drop a bit when Dorcas admitted that he had her. He went from feeling like losing her to suddenly realizing that regardless of what happened, Dorcas was going to be in his life. They were too close of it to end up any way other than that.

Remus rose from the bed and moved to her side and pulled her in to a hug. He wanted to tell her that that would never happen to them, or things would be fine, because there was a chance that they wouldn't be. But Remus knew that it would be even worse if they just denied and hid their feelings. He laughed a bit when she said she would bug him even if things went bad and he tried to avoid her.

"I'll need you to knock some sense into me from time to time," he smirked. Remus wasn't sure if they had landed on where they stood exactly, but he figured it was a good place. Any other issues were far from his mind and all he wanted was to get things back to a place where they were okay and he wasn't acting like an idiot.

But Remus couldn't help but feel like there something else, something more bothering Dorcas. She had said she was worried and upset, but never the fact that it was with him. "Is everything else okay, Dor? I mean, is anything else going on?"

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dorcasjmeadowes
2011-05-16 01:15 pm UTC (link)

When Remus approached her and pulled her into a hug, she felt an immense wave of serenity wash over her. Dorcas knew that she had been completely honest with him, and that had been a good thing. Something she'd only ever done with Caradoc. She wrapped her arms around him as she rested her head on his chest, feeling his heart beat. Somehow, she found a peacefulness in his arms and despite the fact that they hadn't really determined what they were, there was almost a sort of clarity there. While she had explained to him the complexity of everything she had been feeling, Remus' seemed to have been simple, and that scared her a little. While his words suggested that he liked being with her, hers had been a little doubtful. Not at all concerning whether she loved being around him or not, because she did, but the certainty of it all. She almost felt a little intimated by the boy's certainty, a part of her felt a little embarrassed because of all the things she previously said. After all, she had basically ranted away, not giving him much of a chance to speak. And, even in their complete and utter honesty, she still didn't know were she stood, she still didn't know where they stood.

Dorcas smiled when she heard Remus laugh, something that she'd grown to miss over the time they'd spent being a little ridiculous with one another. He even managed to get her to laugh with his joke, which felt rather good especially considering the rather intense conversation they'd just had. She pulled away slightly, her arms had moved down to the back of his waist, grinning up at him. "Hm, that actually sounds like fun," she teased, briefly sticking her tongue out at him before giggling again.

She kept her eyes on his face as he asked her whether there was something else bothering her. Dorcas' face fell slightly at the mention of her other problems. While she would have loved to tell Remus everything that had been worrying her, she certainly wasn't ready to tackle that hurdle. Dorcas hated burdening anyone with her problems, and in all honesty what she had just shared seemed enough for today. Not only that, she didn't particularly feel like ruining the moment. They had finally gotten back to some sort of normalcy, and she was feeling rather pleased with the fact so there was no way in hell she was going to let her worries wreck that. She could figure everything out later. Dorcas recovered the smile that had slipped moments earlier before she spoke. "Not particularly. But I have a feeling things will be now," She smiled hopefully at him. She'd figured everything out with Remus, so there was no saying that things wouldn't work out with her family or Narcissa. Dorcas moved one of her hands from his waist and brought it up to his cheek. "Thanks by the way," her smile still planted on her lips. "You've already made me feel a hundred times better."

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prefect_wolf
2011-05-16 09:35 pm UTC (link)

Remus saw her smile falter for a brief second but she recovered quickly. He was still concerned, but he dropped it. The girl looked genuinely happy and with her arms around him. When she touched his face, he smiled even wider. Things felt normal between the two of them, even considering their close proximity at the moment. Remus could feel his heart hammering in his chest. They hadn't been this close when Remus's mind was clear and it was sending his nerves into overdrive.

"Well, good, you can bother me anytime. It's not bother at all, really." he replied to her comment about an improved mood. "I'm sorry I was being such a bloody coward in the first place. I do like you, Dorcas. I don't know...maybe the next Hogsmeade weekend...we could go do something? Just us?"

He was fighting the urge to kiss her yet again, but Remus felt it was probably wiser to ask her out on a date first before trying to snog her or anything.

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dorcasjmeadowes
2011-05-17 12:22 pm UTC (link)

Dorcas' smile grew at the mention of bothering him whenever she wanted. She raised an eyebrow, biting her lip cheekily before responding, lowering her hand from his cheek. "Careful there, Silly, I might just take you up on that offer. And then you'll regret saying that, since I'll probably become a massive pain in your arse because I will annoy you with silly jokes and little rants that'll be our little secret," she replied teasingly. Her smile then fell as she gave him a 'don't be so stupid' look. "Don't apologize," she frowned slightly, "and you're not a coward." Her eyes lit up immediately after, a smile tugging at her lips again as he asked her out on a date. Dorcas nodded her head quickly as she responded. "I'd love to."

Dorcas eyes widened when she realised she was meant to be somewhere else. She frowned slightly, turning her head towards the door, not really wanting to leave. Dorcas still didn't know exactly what they were but she settled on them being just Remus and Dorcas, not ruining it with overthinking everything. "I'm supposed to be meeting Arcas," she said a little reluctantly, turning her head back to face him. Dorcas was more than happy to stay how she was for the rest of the evening, but with everything going on, with the worries about her family, she knew her brother needed some reassurance and comfort. Dorcas pulled her arms away from Remus, offering him a slight smile as she moved his. She began moving towards the door, already knowing she was running late before she turned back around and was in front of him again. Not really thinking she planted a quick chaste, and a little cheeky, kiss on his lips before grinning. She still didn't completely understand the terms of what they were, but if that wasn't apart of it yet, she'd apologize later. Dorcas' grin slightly faltered, turning into a closed lip smile. "..Unless you wanted to tag along? I mean, you don't have to or anything, but I promised."

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prefect_wolf
2011-05-17 11:33 pm UTC (link)

Remus beamed when she agreed to a date. He was pretty sure Dorcas would never be able to annoy him completely, at least not to a level where he would push her away.

His face fell a touch when she pulled away and mentioned having somewhere else to be. The idea of continuing to hang out with Dorcas sounded delightful, but he was suddenly terrified of being around her younger brother. The feeling of her hands and arms slipping away from him almost made him frown, but when she suddenly came back and kissed him, well, that was something else.

It was quick, but it shocked him a bit and caught him off balance.

"Tag along?" Remus echoed, his mind finally catching up to speed. He thought for a moment and shook his head, a small smile crossing his lips. "No, it's all right. Enjoy your time with you brother." He took her hand quickly in his and gave it a quick kiss and then a squeeze. "I'll see you later?"

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