A long day of signing liability forms and ass kissing furious Jewish producers was very low on Julian's list of favorite past times. But, due to a certain blonde's unfortunately (and unexpectedly) fragile skull, it was all he had been doing for the past week. Of course the numerous meetings had managed to overlap with the hospital's visiting hours every single day, allowing the actor no time to even see how Knox was. He had called Fran and Iris for brief status checks, only staying on the phone long enough to make sure Knox wasn't dead.
And after that long day, he was in his tiny studio apartment, pushing boxes around to decide what arrangement looked least depressing. He had broken into tears a few times, for unclear reasons, abandoning his decorating attempts each time to sit on the bathroom floor and bawl for several minutes, but after a few bouts he got the two large, book-filled boxes in a prominent corner, and his futon folded up in a decently sunny spot.
He sighed, and waited for the guest he never expected to know his address, let alone see inside his new place.
Fortunately, Knox was really in no position to judge someone else's living space when he currently didn't even have one of his own.
He arrived at the older boy's front door feeling rather horrible, and he could sense a headache webbing at his temple. His forearm found its way against the doorframe, and he rested his head against it to rid of a dizzy spell that'd been plaguing him for minutes now. Apparently, head trauma wasn't as temporary as he figured.
It was downright distracting, and even a little uncomfortable, but right now, there was nowhere else in the entire world where he wanted to be but here.
With what little strength he possessed, the blond rapped his knuckles softly on the door.
A flash of anxiety came over Julian, but he quelled it quickly and opened the door.
"Hey," he said, and smiled. He took a few steps into the little room. "I'm really sorry about not being around... you know how Manschewitz is. Only a pain when he can't break even." The actor ran his hand up his neck and into his hair. The few steps he had taken were enough to lead him into the middle of the room, more or less.
The size of the room wasn't even regarded -- not immediately, anyway -- as Knox stepped inside, looking about as weary as he felt. "Don't worry about it," he insisted as he undid the zipper of his leather jacket, not slipping it off just yet. "I'd hate to be the one to deal with him. He's a terror and a half."
Of course, the next thing to do would be to offer Knox a place to sit. Except Julian didn't have chairs. He did, however, have a futon that did a decent sofa impression when rolled up a certain way. Julian fussed with it for a moment, making sure it was steady.
"Sit down, okay? How are you feeling?"
Somehow managing to withhold a laugh at the thoughtfulness, the blond carefully eased himself down on the makeshift couch, smoothing his hand along the futon to keep it from folding over on the other side.
"I'd like to say I'm not feeling nauseous, but the nausea medication hasn't kicked in yet apparently, so that would be a lie. How about you?"
"I'm fine," said Julian, pointedly not hesitating. "Do you want something to drink?" He was already in the little kitchenette that only differed from a hotel room equivalent in that it had a full range and not just a hot plate.
"I have...water," he didn't mention the liquor,"...and that's it."
Knox tilted his head back against the wall, eyes falling shut as he focused on thinking the pain away. "Water's fine."
Julian didn't have glasses. But he had bottled water, one of which he took from the mini fridge and brought to Knox. He offered it, but he didn't know what else to do with himself.
The seated boy gingerly took the chilled bottle, eyes on the other as he uncapped it. "Still not completely unpacked?"
The actor stood at a slight angle from Knox, shifting his weight and crossing his arms.
"There's not really much to unpack... I figure if I don't find myself needing all the damn plays I have in the next few months, I'll just give them to you."
"How generous," Knox teased before stealing a quick sip from the water bottle. He took a moment to swallow, and then glanced up, almost straining his neck as he did so. "Are you planning on sitting anytime soon, or will you just stand forever?"
With a sigh, Julian plopped himself down on the makeshift couch. Careful to keep his distance - as much as he could. There were really only a few inches he could put between his hips and Knox's.
"Sorry there's no real furniture..."
Water sloshed as the bottle was set against the blond's thigh. "It's okay. I like a little change in scenery once in a while," he assured him, toying with the cap in one hand. "And after being stuck in a hospital room for days, this is almost impressive."
A stiff little laugh. The actor rubbed his knees and watched the floor. It took a minute to think of what to say.
"So... how have you been? Aside from being assaulted by vandals?"
If Knox had the strength to laugh, he might have, but instead he rolled his head back against the wall. "... I've been better." He glanced down into the small opening at the top of his bottle. "Yesterday I learned that nothing changed since I got admitted. My mother's still a cold-hearted, stuck-up bitch, my sister is still failing her classes, Iris is still cute, you're still here."
He sighed, finally moving to take a sip and pausing before the rim touched his lips. "And life goes on, I guess."
Before saying anything else, Julian had to agree. "Yeah..." A pause. He looked at Knox, wanting to ask about Fran, but he felt he didn't have the right. "Life goes on. Even if people change, or disappear."
"Yeah, well..." Plastic scraped against plastic as the cap was screwed back on. "Apparently I didn't get to disappear this time. Maybe I'll get mugged on the way home, if I'm lucky."
A frown. "Stop that. You say it like you want that to happen."
Knox tilted his head toward the dark-haired actor, a touch of seriousness in his gaze.
"Who says I don't?"
"I do." Julian climbed onto Knox's lap, straddling him carefully. "And I know you'd never do that to Fran. So don't be an idiot." A smile, and a kiss.
And another softer one in return. "I've always been convinced I was one. You know this means I've been living a lie, right?"
"It doesn't matter," said the actor. "I love you, lies and all."
There was nothing to lose, really. A week alone was enough for Julian to know he couldn't live without Knox. And all those years were plenty for him to know he couldn't live with him either. He gave the blonde actor a girly, shameless embrace, careful not to jostle him.
Sadly some jostling did occur, but it wasn't anything the boy couldn't handle. He smoothed his palm over the curve of Julian's spine, returning the hug properly as soon as he ditched the bottle.
"Are you okay? I don't mean right now, just... in general." It was quietly asked.
"...Yeah. I'll be fine. This is what we need, right?"
"Maybe it is," responded the younger, pressing his lips briefly to Julian's shoulder as a hand came up to thread through dark hair. "But how do we know for sure?"
"Knox," started Julian, tucking his head against the boy's shoulder. "Living with you is really difficult for me. It hurts." He swallowed. "A lot."
The blond took in a deep breath, ruminating on that for a while as best he could through the haze. When he finally decided to speak, he resumed gently combing his fingers through the actor's hair.
"If you can't live with me, at least do me a favor."
"Yes?"
A deeper breath.
"... don't just walk out of my life. Even if we couldn't be friends or work together, I'd still want to know you're okay."
Julian held Knox a little tighter. He didn't know what to say.
Since he'd already begun, there wasn't a point in stopping. "Maybe you're right. Maybe this is what we need. Maybe... I'm better off alone, and you're better off doing what you do. And I know I can't fix the past, so I'm not going to try to, but for what it's worth..."
Those fingers continued to thread. "I'm sorry for being so two-faced."
"...Two-faced? What do you mean?"
"I mean pretending to be one way when I'm actually something else." A pause. "If you haven't noticed, I must be a better actor than I thought I was."
Julian would have laughed if he wasn't so sad. "...I'm only a good actor because I'll fall for nearly anything. But what are you talking about?"
"I don't mean to sound mysterious, but I'm not who you think I am, Julian," the younger boy informed him with a sigh, involuntary tightening his hold. "When I said earlier that I was living a lie, I wasn't joking."
"Let me guess. You were lying that time you said you don't sleep around." A little squeeze.
Knox managed a small laugh. "... no. No, that was true."
"Then what's your big secret?" Julian looked up, smiling a broken little smile. "Tell me. I'll take it to the grave."
What an interesting yet horrible question.
"... Let me put it this way." A hand trailed down to secure at Julian's side. "I value you higher than I value myself."
"...You don't even like yourself." Another kiss, this time longer. Slower. "...So whatever you're trying to say, just say it. Even if it's just this once."
Beneath him, the boy's chest heaved with an inhale. "That's just the thing, though. I cover almost everything up with lies and fake my way through life so I don't have to deal with how much I don't like myself. So if you thought I was selfish before, you'll have to rethink your definition now."
For Knox's inhale, Julian had a sigh to heave as he lowered his head against the actor's chest.
"...Say 'I love you' just this once, and I'll never nag you about it again. I won't even bring it up."
"How about instead..." Those fingers trailed back up to sift through those dark locks. "I say it because I mean it, and not because you asked me to. Would you be okay with that?"
A nod.
Cradling the older boy's skull in his palm, Knox bent down to hover his lips by the shell of an ear without any hesitation.
"I love you more than you could ever possibly know, Julian."
"I love you too."
Julian didn't cry. He felt like he would, but it didn't happen. So he waited, not knowing how to proceed in a world where everything had changed so much so quickly.
It would've been so easy to be silent. To not have to say anything that couldn't be communicated through body language and felt through every inhale, every heartbeat. But Knox, knowing that would never be enough, squeezed the actor in his arms and went on.
"The times where you said it to me but I didn't say anything back... it wasn't because I didn't feel the same. I just didn't want to say it because commitment scares me. Honesty scares me." And there it was. "It was never because you couldn't do enough or be enough. It was... mostly my fault. And you're all I ever need you to be."
Whether it was fiction or truth, it had the actor in Knox's arms defenseless. Witless. Maybe even shaking a little. And most definitely speechless. Stupidly, he curled his fingers into the fabric of the blonde's shirt.
"...What should I say?" It was his way of giving up completely.
A preoccupied hand carded through his hair. "I don't know. Whatever you want to say, I guess. I had to get that off my chest, since I've been preparing what to say... for years, probably. Maybe that concussion knocked the sense back into me or something."
Resolve was a funny thing. It came and went at the most peculiar times, particularly for Julian. For the time being, he remained tucked close to Knox, in his lap, just so.
"That's all I've wanted. For years, that's all I've wanted."
"Well, there you have it." Again, those walls started to build themselves up, preventing the blond from spilling out any more embarrassing information. "... sorry it took so long for me to say."
"It's okay," Julian managed. And then paused to put words together. "...You know that it doesn't change anything now, right?"
"You mean with the whole us not being able to live together? Yeah, I know."
The actor pulled closer.
"I won't be around as much," Julian said. "Will you be okay?"
Knox wasn't sure if he meant with the concussion or just generally, so he answered as objectively as he could. "Probably. We'll see. What about you?"
Another silent nod.
The blond cast his gaze over Julian's shoulder and stared at a cluster of boxes, tearing it away as he nestled his cheek more comfortably against the older boy's head. There was nothing particularly useful he could think to say, so he remained quiet, his mind not really straying anywhere else apart from the temporary comfort of the form wrapped in his arms.
"Knox?" The name broke the silence and its inherent comfort. As happy as Julian was, he knew he couldn't afford to indulge much longer.
Another slight shift. "Mm?"
"I need some time to think. Will you come back tomorrow? If I call you?"
"Sure. Does that mean you want me to leave?" A quiet laugh escaped the younger of the two, who wasn't offended at the subtlety so much as amused.
Julian laughed a little too, and squeezed Knox one more time before getting off his lap. Sitting beside the actor, he looked at him and took his hand.
"I just need some time," he said, and smiled. "...Kiss me goodbye?"
That free hand planted itself against makeshift couch and pushed the blond up, most of his weight in the other arm so as to not drag Julian down with him when he attempted to stand. "It should probably be the other way around," he corrected as he got to his feet, one arm sliding around the boy's back once the stars faded. "But I'm not really a fan of goodbyes."
With that, Knox leaned in to claim a kiss that began soft, only to transcend into something almost demanding moments later.
Normally, Julian would have demanded more. Begged for more. But he enjoyed the moment, and let it end without protest.
"...Okay. I'll see you tomorrow, then?"
"Yeah. See you." One last thumbswipe over the actor's cheek, and then Knox was moving toward the door, eyes observing the tiny apartment briefly before he reached its exit. The door was swung open reluctantly, and then closed with a quiet click.
Julian opened his mouth to say 'I love you', but the door shut before he had the chance.