αℓєχ υ∂ιησν ஜ knows how to live with the pain (russiandoll) wrote in lincolnriver, |
"No, not anything." Alex said, biting on her lip a little. For example, she'd never forgive Sergei for having her father killed. She'd never forgive Amanda for what she'd done to all of them. And most importantly, she could never forgive herself for her role in Sean's death. That was perhaps whu she had wanted to get herself killed before. She'd thought it was what she deserved. Why should she survive when everyone else around her died? It didn't seem to be fair. And if not for Nikita's intervention again, Alex would have died that night. She observed what Neal was doing for a moment. He wasn't quite going in order, but it should still turn out alright. And if not, she had no problem with starting over. She figured it was pretty important to him that it turned out well.
"I loved my father. He made mistakes and he wasn't a good man to most, he did terrible things in the name of power and all of that...but he was still my Papa." She'd forgiven Nikita for ending his life. It had been her orders. Orders she defied when she saved Alex's life that night. If not for Nikita, Alex would not be in her kitchen baking with Neal. She had to forgive her, but it wasn't easy. She didn't even know if she could trust her for a time after that.
"It was harder to forgive my mother. I thought she was dead...for years. And when I went back to Russia for revenge on Sergei, I found her instead. She'd been in love with him, even back then." There was so much that Alex had to be angry with her mother about. "She didn't know I'd survived, and I didn't know she had. I always thought they both died that night." She hadn't seen her mother die, but she had seen her Papa die. She'd always just thought Katya had as well. "And after I knew she was with Sergei, I questioned everything. Whether she'd ever loved me at all..." But the story was a lot more complex than that. "I've forgiven her now, though. I know she wasn't well. And he was keeping her medicated."
Alex didn't know exactly what Neal's father had done, but it had to be pretty bad to warrant Neal feeling so strongly about him. "It can all be gone in an instant, you know? So if we can't forgive people while they're here..." Alex let her voice trail off. Forgiveness was not something that came easily.
She nodded, hoping he was right. She was a different sort of girl. Not like most people, as she'd told Sean. Most people didn't see their father killed. Most people weren't sold into slavery. And she could never be as normal as some, but she couldn't let it rule the rest of her life either. Even if Cook had been more than a little vulgar, he'd been right about that one thing. She couldn't let her past define the rest of her life. She was still young, and she could be more, even if it was difficult to think about.
She looked at the mixture in the bowl. It was far from perfect, but it wasn't bad. And if it turned out to be less than what he wanted, they could start over and she would help a little more. She had no problem with that.