FIC for tjwritter "For Real For Now" Title: For Real For Now Author:sarahetc Recipient:tjwritter Rating: NC-17 Word count: ~10,000 Warnings: vague AU, graphic sex Summary: Shortly after her wedding, Lily Potters sees Severus Snape kissing Marlene McKinnon. Finding herself jealous, she pursues him. But to what end? Disclaimer:Harry Potter is the property of J.K. Rowling. This work of homage is intended for fun, not profit. Author's Notes: Cheers, tjwritter! I hope you enjoy this. Thanks to my wonderful and remarkable betas H. and Z. All feedback and constructive criticism is welcome.
For Real For Now
It was a beautiful autumn day in Diagon Alley. The air held the smell of smoke and yeast. The sun was shining brightly, casting interesting shadows across the cobbles. Lily was shopping. She needed only a few things from the apothecary but enjoyed seeing the remnants of back-to-Hogwarts sales in the shop windows. She smiled at the witches and wizards that passed her, bemused that only a year ago, she'd been looking forward to her school shopping for her seventh year. She and — well, she and Severus had come together so many years, but last autumn she'd met James, Sirius, Remus and Peter to shop, and let them treat her to ice cream. This autumn, she was a newly married woman, and James and Sirius had gone to America on business.
She ran her fingertips along a few of the cage poles outside Eeylops, watching the owls sigh and coo in their sleep. She smelt the apothecary before she rounded the curve to it, near where the alley split at Gringotts. She could identify vetiver and grass, masculine, fresh smells. She followed her nose mostly — mentally reviewing her shopping list: caterpillars, lovage, dried strawberry runners, and armadillo bile.
She was about to open the door when movement caught the corner of her eye. Marlene McKinnon's hair, the colour of old Galleons, flashed in the sunlight at the corner of the Alley. She was talking to someone still seated, making large gestures. Lily watched as Marlene threw her head back in laughter, and then reached down for something, or for the person she was talking to. Lily started over, to say hello and to see what the amusement was about, but stopped dead in her tracks when Marlene pulled Severus Snape up to stand in front of her, his back to Gringotts.
Before Lily could comprehend what she was seeing, Severus bent, and Marlene rose on her toes and their lips met in a laughing kiss, a small series of pecks before Marlene deepened it, wrapping her arms around Severus's neck, pulling him farther down to her. Lily licked her lips watching them. Severus's broad hand and long fingers splayed and pressed against Marlene's back. She could see the tip of his nose pressed against Marlene's cheekbone. She watched as Marlene gently ran her left hand through his hair, pushing a black hank of it behind his ear. They parted. She heard Marlene laugh again. Lily stood agog as Severus smiled back down at her. He bent to kiss her cheek, then turned slightly and started to walk straight for the apothecary.
Lily fled.
~*~
She rushed into 12 Grimmauld Place, not even bothering to knock, thinking she needed to speak with Remus right away. He was house-sitting while Sirius was away. With James. She skidded to a halt in front of the disgusting troll's leg umbrella stand and remembered James.
Remus came down the stairs, rather quickly and found her staring open-mouthed up at him, but not seeing.
“Lil?” His voice sounded far away. His worn-out corduroys made swooshing sounds as he descended. “Lily?”
She felt mesmerised and knew she needed to snap out of it.
“Remus,” she managed, shaking her head.
“Is everything okay?” He reached out to take her hand and that made her smile. He looked so worried. “You look like you've seen a ghost.”
She laughed in spite of herself. Remus chuckled in sympathy but obviously wanted to be let in on the joke.
“Oh, I'm sorry. It was. I did, I think. Come on.” She tugged him toward the kitchen. “Let's get a drink.”
“Lily, it's not half-three.” Remus protested, but followed her willingly enough.
“Between the ghosts and the fact that we have this place all to ourselves, no James and no Sirius, I think we deserve one, don't you?”
“Absolutely.” He smiled genuinely.
She walked to the stove and grabbed the kettle, filling it. She lit the hob on the old stove with her wand and turned to find Remus holding a dusty bottle of Old Odgens and peering at her strangely.
“I thought you wanted a nip.”
When she looked confused, he held the bottle out to her. She focused on it. “Of course! Sorry, Remus.”
She shook her head again.
“Lily, what's the matter?” He seemed both exasperated and like he was trying not to laugh at her. She was grateful for that. James and Sirius would have taken the piss out of her twice each by now.
What could she tell him? She hadn't had enough time to process it yet. She'd just run here, thinking she needed to speak to someone, anyone about how strangely she'd felt. And James was gone. James was, really, the entire problem.
“I saw Marlene today in Diagon Alley.”
“That's nice,” Remus said, and walked around her to pull two tumblers down out of a cupboard. “Didn't she just start a new position at Gringotts?”
“Did she?”
“I think so. That's what I overheard her telling Peter last time she was here.”
“So that's why they were there,” Lily muttered in spite of herself, not hearing Remus mention Peter at all.
“Who?”
“What?”
Remus laughed. “Who was with Marlene?”
“S —,” she began and realized what she was about to say. “She was with someone I'd never seen before. I guess someone from the bank.”
Remus looked at her strangely, but seemed to accept her answer readily enough.
She sat down at the table quickly, suddenly tired, and watched as he sat across from her. “Pour us one, would you?”
Remus poured them each a scant finger of firewhiskey and slid the glass across the table to her.
She tossed it back without thanking or saluting him. The bottom of the glass had no other answers, but the burn of the whiskey in her chest was pleasantly distracting.
“Lily, what's really bothering you?”
She looked up at him, not surprised, but out of quick and easy lies.
“Did you and James have a fight before he left?”
“Oh!” She laughed. “No! Not at all.”
Remus smiled in apparent relief and eventually chuckled with her. “Then I still don't understand why you've coming rushing in there, in the middle of the afternoon, all turned around, and now we're having a drink.”
~*~
That night, in the house she still thought of as James's, not really home to her yet, she stared at the fire, letting her mind turn over ideas it hadn't in a very long time.
Severus Snape had moved on. She'd moved on, too. She'd done so first, married James. And now she felt surprised and guilty to think it should be such a shock that Severus grew up and evidently had a relationship. With a woman she was friends with, if not close to. Who probably didn't know or care about the things he'd said and done at school — Marlene was a few years older than them.
Marlene hadn't said she had a new boyfriend. But Lily had been so wrapped up in wedding and honeymoon she didn't know if she would have noticed anyway. She felt bad, briefly, about not being a very good friend to Marlene. But you're not close her inner voice insisted, and strongly. Strongly enough she knew it was a distraction and excuse where more information was certainly warranted.
Again, she tried to think about Severus and her thoughts skittered away, then pulled, at the same time. She felt like a spinning magnet, pulled and pushed; pushed and pulled. She could close her eyes and see, burned into the back of her eyelids, his smiling face and his lips slow descent. And instantly her memory juxtaposed the image of him, grey skin with huge purple circles under his eyes, begging her to accept his apology. She'd turned her back on him that day just as quickly as she had today, because it seemed more important to make a break with him than to sort out her feelings.
Those lips could have been hers. Those bruised eyes could have been hers. All those emotions were, in fact, hers.
But she never had sorted them out, had she? She'd thrown her affection from Severus to James and never looked back, making his friends hers and his allegiances hers.
You let Severus be the villain because it was convenient. The thought made her eyes sting with unshed tears.
“He hurt me one too many times,” she told the fire. It merely popped in response.
“He hurt my feelings so badly,” she insisted.
“I'm talking to myself,” she concluded.
And it was easier to feel silly about talking to the fire than to think of Severus.
For the first time in years, she didn't believe herself. And she wondered, uncomfortably, just how badly she might have hurt him.
She stood, then waved her wand to bank the fire. She climbed the stairs to a dark, cold bedroom. Sliding between the sheets, by herself, was lonely. As she lay in the dark, watching the trees outside cast scrabbling moonlight shadows on the ceiling, she realised she was desperately, viciously lonely. She was lonely like she hadn't been since she was nine years old.
~*~
She'd gone to bed lonely and maudlin and woken up lonely and randy. With James gone to America, it was her fingers or a cold shower, so she'd chosen her fingers.
As she lay, stroking between her legs, she tried to think of James, or of Sirius even, or just of the soft, smooth feel of the cotton sheets against her bum and back. But with each pulse of her muscles, each flick of her tender clit, Severus throbbed through her imagination. She fantasised about his lips, thin but soft, and about his hands, so much warmer than they looked, like cold alabaster.
What would he be like as a lover? As warm as his hands had always been? Would he want to look into her eyes? Whisper in her ear? Would he want to suckle her earlobes and nipples? Would he want his suckled in return?
She let her fantasies run freely and was surprised at what she found lurking in her subconscious: an image of her on her knees before him; Severus's hard, pale chest heaving under her pressing palms; Severus wrapping her hair around his fist and pulling her head back; a vaguely hot, metallic taste, phantom on her tongue, as she imagined giving him a love bite strong enough to break the skin.
He was, in her mind, all the things she never dared with James, who made love to her tenderly and affectionately. Severus would be rampant, near violent, and powerful, and he let her express her power as well.
She moved her fingers faster and harder. She kept her eyes closed. She kept Severus in the forefront of her imagination and filled in teenaged blanks as best she could. Would he still smell the same, like ink, belladonna, and sour sweat? Would his voice, so tantalisingly low last she'd heard, vibrate through her? She imagined him growling with passion, maybe even with his lips on her clit, and she came hard and fast, her whole belly clenching with the force of it.
She lay, staring at the ceiling, understanding that she'd just crossed a line. And she knew then, that she'd cross more.
~*~
She absolutely needed to go to Diagon Alley. She absolutely needed to go to the apothecary. She was not, by any means, making excuses to see Severus. Except that, having hunted through all her kitchen cupboards, the airing cupboard, the linen closet and the medicine cabinet, she could find nothing that needed replenishing. Except the few items she'd meant to purchase yesterday before she fled like a.... She only needed a few things and it was most certainly not an excuse to see Severus.
She'd strolled around the village, looked through the garden for gnomes, and swept out the hearth to keep herself busy. She was anxious to the point her skin was almost crawling with it. And everything came back to that smiling vision of Severus. And then she was moving automatically. Her cloak was around her shoulders, but she didn't remember putting it on. Her bag was slung across her shoulders but she didn't remember grabbing it. She had a handful of glittering green Floo powder. She watched as her arm flung it down into the hearth. She hadn't heard herself shout, “The Leaky Cauldron,” but she only spun for a few moments before tumbling into the dimly lit pub.
She waved at Tom perfunctorily before striding out into the sunshine, brushing soot from her sleeves. She squinted into the sunlight and was immediately alert for the flash of gold that would show her Marlene. She strolled, eventually warming herself enough that she removed her cloak, shrunk it, and stowed it in her purse.
She was growing thirsty, and a little hungry when she realized how absurd it was to be spending her time this way. As she lingered in front of Scribbulus Everchanging Inks, thinking she should snap out of it, and definitely not go back to the Leaky for a pint, she saw the reflected glint of Marlene's hair. She watched the window closely, the image slithering and warping across the grass and confirmed that yes, she was with Severus, whose black hair and robes reflected poorly.
The sight of him made her heart skip a beat. Her mouth was dry, and her stomach churned, and food and drink were suddenly the furthest things from her mind. They paused, near the junction of the alleys again, where Severus could walk to the apothecary and Marlene could go back to Gringotts. They kissed again, gently, and without the ardour she'd seen two days ago. Their kiss was tender and familiar and her fluttering stomach clenched at the thought.
She caught her breath and held it against the sound of rushing blood in her ears. There was a small part of her screaming that she was being massively irrational, but there was an oh so much louder part demanding that she do something completely rash.
“Lily?” The voice sounded far away.
She exhaled and panted for a minute until she could hear again and there were no longer stars in her eyes from squeezing them shut.
“Lily, are you alright?” She turned to see Marlene looking worried. “You're all red.”
Lily reached up to feel her cheeks and they were warm to the touch. It was still a bit of work to breathe and she still wanted to vomit from a combination of jealousy and giddiness.
“Hi, Marlene,” she managed. “Just a touch of dizziness.”
“You looked quite ill,” Marlene said.
“Sorry,” Lily apologised, finding that it took huge effort to look the other woman in the eye. “How are you? Remus said you'd started a new position.”
“Yes!” Marlene didn't seem to mind changing the subject at all. “I enjoy it. I always did like arithmancy.”
Lily nodded and smiled and still felt dizzy.
“Come on,” Marlene said, taking her hand. “Let's go get you a glass of water.”
She tugged gently and Lily allowed herself to be led back up Diagon Alley, to Fortescue's, where Marlene guided her into a chair at an outdoor table, then disappeared inside. Lily tried to focus, and calm down, and concentrate, but it was difficult.
Marlene returned with a cherry fizz in each hand, levitating a small pitcher of water and a glass beside her. She placed the fizzes on the table before plucking the carafe out of the air and setting it before Lily.
“Here, now. Take slow sips.”
“Thank you,” Lily said, and did just that.
“The fizz in a minute,” Marlene continued. “You look like you could use a bit of sugar.”
“Thanks,” Lily said again.
They sat in silence for a moment, Lily drinking and Marlene stirring her drink more than drinking it.
“I heard your wedding was quite lovely,” Marlene finally said.
“Oh! Thank you, it was,” Lily answered, wondering if Marlene's brightness wasn't a little forced. “I was sad you couldn't attend.”
Marlene smiled tightly. “I was too. I had an unfortunate prior engagement.”
Lily was certain she was lying.
“It was because you're seeing Severus Snape, isn't it?”
Marlene flinched like Lily had pinched her.
“It's alright,” Lily said. “You can tell me. Nobody mentions him around me.”
Marlene laughed mirthlessly. “He won't speak about you either. I mention I'd received the invitation and it let me bring a guest and he didn't so much as acknowledge it.”
Lily nodded and pushed away her water glass in favour of the pink concoction.
“I don't know if I want to ask what happened between the two of you. No one will talk to me about it.”
Lily grimaced and shook her head side to side. “He practices dark magic.” She would have been content to leave it there, but Marlene scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Marlene, he does. I think he must be a Death Eater. All of his friends are.”
Marlene's jaw clenched. “He said that you used to be his friend that but you didn't want him to have any friends except you. I see now what he means.”
“That's not true!” Lily protested, even as she turned over the last few conversations they'd had.
“Nonsense!”
“Does he have the Mark?”
Marlene froze. She stared in cold fury and Lily felt something inside her wilt. She pushed it back to life through force of will. “Well? On his arm? Have you slept with him?”
She slapped her hand over her mouth. She couldn't believe she'd gone so far out of line, asking that personal a question.
“None of your business,” Marlene ground out.
“I know. I'm sorry, it's none of my business. It isn't. I just....” She faltered and squinted her eyes shut. When she opened them, Marlene was peering at her strangely, so she looked away and took a deep drink of her cherry fizz.
“Nimue's pink knickers, Marlene,” she finally choked out. “I am sorry. I don't know what's come over me lately.”
“Honestly, Lily,” Marlene sounded like she was trying to humour Lily instead of chiding her in anger. “Do you do this every time someone decides to date a bloke you used to fancy?”
Lily gasped in shock.
Marlene laughed. Lily thought there might have been an edge of cruelty in it.
“I'm taking the piss, Lily. I'm going to get back to work now. Severus and I haven't been together long, but I know enough that if I'm well clear of you, at least for now, the better for all of us.”
Lily nodded her understanding. “Thanks for the drink. You'll have to let me treat you sometime, if things ever....” She found she couldn't finish the sentence. Things would never.
Marlene nodded in understanding. “Bye, Lily.”
She sat, and watched the ice in her cherry fizz melt, and tried not to think about hurting Marlene's feelings. It was easy, given that she could think about Severus, and all the things she'd like to say to him. And again, the vision of his soft lips rose in her mind and the things she'd say to him became the things she'd do to him.
She shook her head, ready to slap herself. She'd just have to talk to him. She'd have to approach him. She resolved to spend the afternoon browsing at the bookstore before catching him on the way home from work.
~*~
She stood across the street from the apothecary, holding her breath again. She was ever so nervous. Her hands were even shaking. Severus stepped out, and looking around briefly, but not apparently seeing her, turned to walk toward Knockturn Alley. Her belly swooped and fluttered. She swallowed hard, took a deep breath thinking now or never and followed him, skipping a few steps to catch up.
She followed him for several blocks before he stopped in front of a tall, old building with a crumbling facade. It looked like a rooming house, with dirty windows and rusty letter boxes indicating the residences on various floors. She watched him wave his wand at the box marked Snape and spoke.
“Severus?” In the moment she had before he turned, she was surprised her voice was calm.
He whipped around, lank hair flicking into his face, wand pointed at her. He looked frozen, unblinking, still, hardly breathing.
“Hello, Severus,” she tried again.
He blinked and shook his head, as if he were trying to clear his ears.
“Lily?” His voice was hard, and not at all what she'd anticipated. She had imagined he might at least smile at her. He was demanding something, but she didn't know what.
“Is there somewhere we can go to talk?”
He tilted his head as though he was trying to translate what she was saying from some foreign language. He lowered his wand, slowly, and frowned. She smiled at him. His expression went immediately blank, as if she'd somehow knocked the wind out of him. He cleared his throat, then held out an open palm, which she took as a gesture to lead.
She smiled again and turned to walk back up, out of Knockturn Alley. She could hear his boots on the cobbles behind her. She slowed her stride in an attempt to walk beside him, but he matched her so that he was constantly just outside her peripheral vision. Strange of him to act like a skittish kitten.
She led them to the first bench back in Diagon Alley — the one where she'd first seen him with Marlene. She willed herself not to giggle and flush. She sat, tucking her bag against her side and smiled up at him.
“Well, sit down, Severus.”
He looked around, turning a complete circle, and she couldn't tell what he was looking for. He tapped his wand against the palm of his hand, for a moment before sliding it up his sleeve. Only then did he finally sit, looking at her as though she might hex him.
“How are you?” She tried not to be too cheerful, but she was irrationally happy to see him. It felt as though a part of her she hadn't known she was missing had been returned to her.
When he spoke, his voice was low and quiet and sent a shiver up her spine. “Are we actually having a conversation?”
“Yes.” Her cheeks were starting to ache from smiling.
“Marlene told me you spoke with her.”
“Oh?” She tried to sound casual.
“I thought she was playing silly buggers, but now I wonder.”
“Is that so wrong?” She reached out to tap the back of his hand, which sat tense and ready on the bench between them.
He snatched his hand away as if she'd burned him. “Lily, what are you doing?”
“Being friendly,” she tried. She let her voice rise at the end, making it a question.
When Severus answered his voice was low and his eyes were hard. “Does your husband approve of you being friendly?” He practically spat the word: husband.
“That's not nice, Severus.” She changed the subject. “Is Marlene very angry with me?”
“I have no idea,” he said. “Only said that she'd found you, that you looked ill, and that she bought you a fizzy drink because she was worried you might faint.”
“Nothing else?”
“Why?”
“No reason.”
“Stop dissembling. You've never been very good at it.” He stared at her for a moment, as if realizing afresh who she was.
“You're right,” she said quickly. She could feel her cheeks heating. She felt like, for the last few days, she'd been out of her mind.
He looked around again, hunting for something. “What do you want?”
“Why do you do that? Act so incredulous? It's not as if we've never spoken before.”
“You stopped speaking to me four years ago, Lily. Or have you forgotten? Did you forget how I begged your forgiveness? Did you forget the circumstances? For ignorant words said in the heat of the moment?”
She looked abashed, then seemed to rally. “You hurt my feelings so badly.”
“I know.” He was quiet again.
“I saw you. Two days ago. Here, with Marlene. I missed you.” She paused and looked up into his eyes. He looked gobsmacked. She knew she had to speak quickly, to prevent him shutting her out. “Is that so wrong?” She reached for his hand again, quickly, so that she could clasp it before he could pull it back.
He stared first at their hands, then at her face. “You're asking me about right and wrong?” He sounded bitterly amused, and slightly wistful.
“Well, when you put it like that....” She left off the part where she said out loud that her own actions were absurd. She tried to laugh, but it didn't work.
He pulled his hand out from under hers, then slowly and deliberately set her hand back down on the bench between them.
“There aren't enough galleons in Gringotts to convince me you're sincere,” he said coldly. The words hit her like a fist.
He looked at her with big, sad eyes, frowning, before standing and walked away, back toward his apartment.
“Severus!” She called, standing. “Wait!”
He turned back to her, the mask he wore very firmly in place. “No,” he said, then continued on his way leaving her feeling confused and strangely bereft.
~*~
She woke the next morning grimly determined. She frigged herself again, this time remembering the warmth of his hand from the afternoon before, and the way the setting sun had glinted against his black hair, making it shine blue. She fantasised about the great prow of his nose and how it would feel pressed into her cheek, how it might look if he were above her, pounding into her.
She planned as she bathed and dressed and straightened the little cottage that hardly needed straightening. She would go to him, and get him out of Diagon Alley and they would be able to talk.
And then what?
And then nothing. She couldn't see past that point. She refused to allow herself to see past that point. Reintegrating Severus into her life was impossible, but impossible had never stopped her before. She was a witch. She made things possible.
She'd go to the apothecary, get Severus, and go from there.
Lily was sure she looked foolish, hovering outside the apothecary, shifting back and forth from foot to foot, wiping her palms on her robes. Deciding that valour was always preferable to discretion, she charged into the apothecary and was just in time to see him flash around the corner into the back.
“Mrs. Potter!” The proprietor, Pan McKennitt's, voice boomed. She gritted her teeth. This was not the impression she wanted to make. “How can I help you? Something prepared or are you after kit today?”
“Sorry,” she apologized automatically. “I was actually hoping to speak to Severus for a moment.”
“Ah,” McKennitt smiled at her knowingly. “So many young people in my store nowadays. And not just for replenishing their kits.” He wandered around the counter toward her. “Best decision I've made in a long time, hiring young Snape. Knows everything there is to know about potions. And is good for business besides.”
Lily smiled as he continued.
“Can't be too careful, though, times like these. You Know Who and his followers sound like they have some terrible ideas. And like they might be just be after young people. People like you and Severus.”
Before she could do more than nod, McKennitt raised his voice again to yell, “Severus!”
Severus twitched around the corner from the laboratory behind the shop, scowling. “Yes?” He obviously failed to restrain his irritation.
“Someone to see you. Is the Babbling Beverage on schedule?”
“Yes.”
“Very well, then.” He smiled at Lily again before moving back behind the counter and pulling a thick ledger toward him. She was standing in the middle of the room with Severus, who was rolling his wand between his fingers, not bothering to hide his annoyance. She smiled, tongue tied.
“Lily, as you heard, I'm brewing. Yes, it's only Babbling Beverage. Nevertheless, there is an order for it, so it must be made and on schedule. Not all of us can marry into independently wealthy families.”
It was a shot she saw coming a mile away, but it still stung.
“May I take you to lunch? Fortescue's? Or something else if you like. We could find a chip shop in Charing Cross.”
He stopped twirling his wand and peered at her. She found herself staring back as sincerely as she could. She was mentally chanting please please please.
“Very well. I need to finish up here. I'll meet you at the Leaky Cauldron when I'm done and we'll go for chips.”
Without another word, he turned sharply and stalked back to the lab. She turned to leave only to have McKennitt staring at her. “A Muggle chip shop! You young people!”
He seemed amused and flabbergasted and was obviously trying to make conversation, but Lily had no idea what to say. She couldn't have cared less about fish and chips. She could only think about kissing Severus. And him kissing her back, just as he'd kissed Marlene.
“Thank you, Mr. McKennitt,” she said absently and wandered out of the apothecary.
~*~
He strode toward her at the Leaky Cauldron, not pausing from the time he entered at the back until he reached her at the front. He strode past her, swinging his cloak off his shoulders, and out the old door to Charing Cross Road having barely even made eye contact with her. She stood staring for a moment and he walked back in, having transfigured his long, ragged wool cloak into a short leather jacket.
“Well?” He raised one eyebrow, then turned again and strode away.
She skipped after him, catching up after a few steps and fell into stride alongside him. “It's just around the corner.”
He made a noise in the back of his throat. She took it as assent and continued. “Thanks for agreeing to lunch with me.”
“I thought,” he said slowly, and she didn't like the smile on his face; it spread like a shark's. “That you might like to know what Marlene made of your accusations.” She credited herself with not stumbling, but she did go cold all over. “And I think I'd like to know more about this fascination of yours.”
Lily felt breathless. Severus turned, apparently following her directions precisely. There was a queue at the chip shop reaching out the door. He joined it, then frowned down at her while she stepped up behind him.
“I don't have all afternoon to eat at leisure,” he grumbled.
“They're quick,” she replied, trying to sound confident. They were, but now she was afraid he was going to take a sour mood out on her.
The line moved quickly and it was a good thing. She didn't know if she wanted to entertain his question in such close proximity to so many Muggles.
He was already paying by the time she realized he'd ordered for them both. He handed her a newspaper with one piece of fish on top of a pile of chips, already doused with vinegar. She felt a swooping sensation in her belly that he remembered. A more logical, more adult part of her said that that was absurd. Loads of people wanted vinegar on their chips. It would have been strange to have gone without. But it seemed like he cared.
She had to trot to keep up with him as he strolled away, toward a small park.
“I invited you,” she finally said, as they found a park bench. “Should have been my treat.”
“I won't accept anything from a Potter,” was his curt reply.
She choked. He looked glad of it, which hurt her feelings.
“I'm sure that taking me out to lunch wasn't what he had in mind when he left you your pocket money. Where is he, anyway?”
“James,” she said, trying to sound dignified, “has gone to the States to meet with solicitors about part of his parents estate.”
Severus hummed around a mouthful of fish, then said, “Must be difficult to have to spend so much time worrying about how you're going to spend all your money.”
That smarted and she couldn't resist fighting back. “And the Malfoys? How are they? I heard they threw a fantastic party and that you enjoyed yourself immensely.”`
He set his jaw, but didn't rise to the bait.
They ate in silence for a few more minutes before he said, “I remind you, yet again, that you do not like me.” He bit out each of the last few words. “I have no time and no patience for Gryffindors.”
She wanted to tell him that he sounded like he was trying to convince himself as much as convince her. “But you were going to tell me about Marlene,” she said instead.
“Out with it!” He raised his voice. He didn't shout, but he was close to the mark.
She took a deep breath and wished they'd thought to buy a pint of bitter to go with the fish. “I haven't been able to stop thinking about you,” she confessed quietly. “Ever since I saw you and Marlene that day in Diagon Alley.” She willed him to hear what she wasn't saying.
He huffed, but stayed silent. In for a Knut, she thought.
“Then, that night, I thought about you for the first time in years. I couldn't stop, actually. I realised that I never bothered to try to understand what happened to us, or what happened to you. It seems like time has flown by. We're not that much older, but so many years have gone by. Severus...” She choked.
“And?” He spoke quickly, tensely, which was confusing. She'd expected anger.
“I spied on you a little.” she tried not to sound sheepish and failed. “You looked so happy. And I could hear you laughing. It's been so long since I heard you laugh.” The words were rushing out now and she didn't think she could have stopped them if she'd tried. “It brought back so many memories. Your laugh always made me feel so warm. I couldn't tear myself away. I wanted to be there with you. And then you were — you were kissing.”
“Such a voyeur,” he scolded, but his voice was soft, almost far away.
“I wanted that to be me,” she confessed. “I wanted you to be kissing me.”
He looked at her strangely for a moment, then pursed his lips, hard, like he was trying to hold something in. His expression finally resolved into a grimace that she assumed was meant to make her remember that she was a married woman, a newlywed even.
“I am so jealous,” she concluded.
He sighed heavily. It was not the reaction she'd been expecting.
“I thought you'd be....”
He cut her off. “What? What did you think, Lily? That'd I'd be so grateful for any attention from you that I'd immediately come to heel? That you could snap your fingers and charm me back into your life?”
She was stunned at his vehemence.
“I didn't think....”
“Obviously.” He glowered at her.
She frowned and blinked as his words sank further in. He stood. She reached for his hand, clasping it between both of hers to get him to stay. He made a small, glum noise before slowly, deliberately pulling away from her. She looked up at him and he opened his mouth, as if to speak. But then he shook his head, closed his mouth and took a step back.
“Severus, please.” She reached for him and he stepped back again.
“I loved you more than anything,” he said gruffly, not looking at her, staring at the tarmac. “And you know it. You know I've never stopped. At least stop humiliating me with it.”
He turned and walked away, from her and from the road that led back to the Leaky Cauldron, head down and shoulders slumped.
She sat back down on the bench with their chip wrappers. She wanted to cry, but there were no tears.
~*~
She'd been sitting against his door all afternoon. Her arse was numb and her hands were cold and she was beginning to believe he'd never come home. To think of him going to Marlene's to spend the evening or night made her burn with anger. She was ready to give up when the front door creaked open and she heard boots on the stairs that led up to the nook that housed only two doors, one of them his.
She looked up at him as he crested the steps. He stared down his nose at her.
“Move, please,” he said.
“Severus, let me explain.” She said, standing.
He shut the door in her face.
She knocked.
She knocked again, and waited.
She knocked again, pounded really.
“I know you're in there, Severus. Please open up!”
“Go away!” He finally shouted.
“I'll sleep out here,” she cried and instantly realised what she'd done. She pressed her hand flat against the door, willing him to forgive her that particular insult and not kill her. She expected the door to fly open, but it never did. Eventually the wards vibrated and changed under her fingertips. She wasn't shut out anymore, but it seemed he wasn't going to let her in himself. Evidently he knew her, and what she thought of herself. He was going to make her barge in, and take the last, most precipitous steps of the path she'd started down almost a week ago.
She tried the knob. It turned. She pushed. The door swung slowly and she found him standing on the other side, mouth set, his hands folded in front of him, holding his wand. She stepped in, shut the door behind her, and leaned against it. If she'd thought farther than just getting to him, she probably would've prepared herself for how small and spare his room was. It was a bed-sit, nothing more, although he did have enough of a laboratory set up that he could probably cook well enough for himself when he needed to. Otherwise, she could see a wrought-iron bedstead that dipped and sagged, an ancient, moth-eaten armchair and a few bookcases.
She realized she was staring and turned back to look at him, watching his jaw and fingers clench. He was so obviously fighting to keep something inside and she had no idea where to start or what to say now that she was in, and was looking at him. She licked her lips. He pulled a huge breath in through his nose and held it. He kept staring at her, not breathing, pale in the lamp light from the curtain-less windows.
Stop thinking, she commanded herself. Feel. Feel him.
He closed his eyes and sighed that big breath out, pursing his lips together. That was all she needed, it seemed, and she launched herself at him.
She pressed her lips to his, feeling them tight and ropey under hers, willing him to relax. She grabbed the cool, rough front of his shirt and clutched and then held him still as he began to try to move away from her. She kept her eyes closed and held on. She moved her mouth over his, pressing, then nipping, then doing her best to entice him with open-mouthed kisses. He relaxed infinitesimally and she seized the opportunity to suckle on his lower lip.
He made a small, soft moaning noise and relented, finally kissing her back. She rode the swell of it, rising on tip toes to press her body more closely to his, pushing her tongue into his mouth, searching for and finding his. She inhaled deeply, savouring his taste and smell, so familiar and new all at the same time, like the Severus she'd known forever and a new man, exotic and powerful.
He pulled away from her and she reached for him, not wanting to settle back onto her heels. She opened her eyes when he put his hands over hers, like he was about to pull her off him. His face was as pale as usual, but his eyes smouldered and his lips were a vivid dark red. She wanted to growl and lunge for him, but he seemed to anticipate her and squeezed harder and on her hands, catching her attention again.
“You have no idea what you're doing to me,” he finally said. His voice was lower than usual, and rough, but there was something in his tone that gave her pause, made her think that maybe it wasn't just arousal making him speak that way.
She filed that worry under thinking and decided to press her luck. “I might.” She knew she could sound very enticing when she wanted to. She took the moment he was surprised to pull her hands out from under his and run her fingertips down his belly, caressing and teasing. She adored the feel of his muscles fluttering under his fingertips. And the way his hips thrust, then pulled back, then twitched made her ache in deep places.
He snatched at her hand, pulling it away from the top of his zipper. “You have no idea,” he breathed.
“Tell me,” she coaxed, and snatched her hand back. She fondled his belt buckle for a moment before deliberately sliding her hand lower, only to have him pluck her hand again before she could more than sense he was hard.
“Gryffindors,” he murmured and she thought to take offence. But then he slammed his mouth down on hers, leading the kiss, plundering her mouth in a way she'd never experienced. Everything, then, was Severus Snape: his taste, his smell, his touch, and his frighteningly powerful magic wrapped her up and bound her, twisting and desperate.
It was everything she'd imagined and so much more.
“In you,” she started, kissing the first slice of naked skin she could see, “I taste smoke.” She kissed again, a little higher. “And sandalwood.” A kiss to the curve of his jaw. “And vetiver.” She sucked on his earlobe. “And oh,” from there to his cheekbone. “Musk.” She kissed his lips. “Man.” She kissed down his slightly dimpled chin to the notch between his collar bones. “Magic.”
A shudder ran through his body and she clutched him, wishing to draw it out. That was what she was after. She wanted him to ache as hard as she did, to feel as hot and bothered as she did, to lust for her. Her alone, her mind added. She brushed the thought away. There were too many other thoughts there. And James surely wasn't one of them.
“Lily,” Severus moaned, sounding almost like he was crying. “Christ.”
She wanted to kiss him again and tried to, but he backed up.
“Do you know what I am?” He asked.
“You're Severus,” she said, lipping at the buttons along his placket, even though she didn't need to.
“What. Not who,” he barked.
That gave her pause. There was only Lily and Severus, nothing else that might infringe on her idea of them that way.
He held his left arm up in front of her. It looked perfectly normal to her: blue veins fading into the the dull, ecru colored fabric of his shirt. She looked at the cuff and locked eyes with him, wanting to lick the space between flesh and fabric while he watched.
He used one hand to flick the fasteners open. The fabric fell away to expose the Dark Mark, bright and brilliant. She hyperventilated in spite of herself.
“You're dangerous,” she uttered.
Every teenaged nightmare she'd had was coming true before her eyes. Yet all she wanted now was him naked and writhing under her.
“You have no idea,” he replied.
If he had anything else to say, she didn't care. She crushed her mouth to his, embracing the pulse of lust, revelling in the deep, dark taste of him.
“Severus,” she gasped.
“Again,” he commanded. There was no way she could have disobeyed.
“Severus!” she shouted.
She dropped her cloak and tore her blouse off as fast as she could. His mouth dropped open at the sight of her in jeans and an old lace bra. She ripped open his shirt and he didn't so much as flinch.
He did shout though, when she bit down on one of his small, flat nipples. She felt his fingers clutch at the back of her head and pull. She let herself be guided, occupying herself by undoing her jeans.
“I want you,” she said, probably unnecessarily.
“I haven't stopped wanting you since I was thirteen years old,” he said and took over the job of pushing her tight jeans off her hips. He caught her knickers with them and pushed until she was kicking out of her shoes and miles of denim cuff at the same time.
She waited only a beat until she did the same to him. It was only a blurry, hot few seconds until he was as naked as she was, his cock standing up, pointing at her like an accusation.
“Your bed,” she said, planting a hand on his chest and pushing lightly.
He caught her hand and pulled it to his mouth. He kissed her palm and pulled. It was mere steps and the bedstead creaked as he sat on it, holding her in front of him. He was looking right at her quim, and watching him watch her was setting her on fire. She ran a finger down the slope of his nose, then caressed his cheek before thrusting her fingers into his hair, massaging. He tilted his head into the touch, eyes closed, lips pursing against his breath.
“I forgot how beautiful you were,” she whispered.
His brow creased, a long crevice forming above the bridge of his nose.
“Lil, stop,” he said. They were children again for an instant.
“Sev,” she murmured.
He whimpered and pulled on her hips until he could plant a kiss at the very top of her pubic mound.
She plunged both hands into his hair and ran them through, then down his back. He pulled and pushed until she had no choice but to slide onto the bed, first knees, then hands. Then she was twisting around and she lay, pulling him toward her and he was following, stretching his long limbs against hers, his penis hard and hot against her thigh.
He kissed her lips, then her cheek, then her ear, then down her throat and chest until he pulled her nipple into his mouth and tongued it. He slid one arm under her neck and cradled her. His free hand palmed her other breast, then ran down her side, across the bone at her hip, and into the space between her thighs where he teased her lips.
She moaned and groped down his torso to find his cock, hot and thick. She ran her palm over the head before wrapping her fingers around it and pulling. He groaned and thrust into her hand. She could feel him probing to find her entrance and lifted her hips so that his index finger slid into her. She sighed and looked at him. His eyes were closed and his brow was still furrowed, as if in furious concentration. One finger became two and she spread her legs wantonly.
“Yes,” she murmured, moving her hips in time to his finger's thrusts. She let her fingers dance over his sac, already taut and tight. She lingered there, rolling and caressing, making him moan like she did. “Please,” she continued. “Please be in me.”
He moved lightning fast, hovering over her for only a moment until she'd moved her legs to either side of his hips. She was so aware of his left hand, planted against the pillow near her right ear, the Mark too close to see in her periphery, while his right held the base of his cock.
“Let me,” she breathed and guided him into her. He was reticent and she could feel his reluctance. She looked at him, soberly and with the gimlet eye of an old friend. His black eyes looked dense and aroused, the iris and pupil barely distinguishable. As she fitted him into her, she said, “Yes,” and smiled up at him, nodding.
He took a deep breath and thrust home. She cried out at the sensation of being filled and completely connected to him.
“Lily,” he moaned, his hands curling under her shoulders to hold her, hard. “Lily!”
“Yes, Severus.” She didn't know that she'd ever felt elation like this. Her wedding night was a distant, pale memory. He was still, so she put her hands on his shoulders, then ran them down his back until she could grasp one of his buttocks in each hand and pull him into her, hard. “Yes!”
“This can't be real,” he choked, as he twitched inside her.
“No, it is,” she sighed. “It is. Please.” She craned her neck up to capture his mouth. The kiss he returned her was as passionate as anything she'd ever dreamed. He started to move inside her and she found herself overwhelmed, sensation funneling up from her quim and her heart all at once. She wrapped her arms around him and squeezed until he collapsed, burying his face in her neck, his hips still thrusting.
“I found you again,” she said, and didn't know where the sentiment came from.
His shoulders shuddered, so she held him tighter for a moment. She concentrated on the feel of him inside her, warm and filling. And then she wanted to see him, so she planted her palms on his chest and pushed.
He looked confused for a moment, sweat beading on his brow, his hips thrusting in time to the movement of his breath. She studied, as well as she could, the wrinkles that spanned his forehead, and the shadow of beard along his cheeks and upper lip. She ran her hands up his back, then over his shoulders and down his chest to the smooth, flat plane of his belly. It twitched under her hands.
He ducked his head to tease one of her nipples with his teeth. She cried out and clenched around him, making him practically bellow. She pulled him back down until she could kiss him, deeply, loving the matching rhythms of his tongue and cock.
She could feel him deeply, but it wasn't quite enough. She grasped his right hand with her left and guided his fingers to her clit.
“Help me,” he breathed.
She moved his fingertips with hers, stroking her nub and drawing her pleasure out. She tossed her head back, revelling in the wealth of sensation.
“How could I not love you?” She asked.
He shouted intelligibly. “You're cruel to me.” Then his words were clear. He thrust into her hard. She raised one hand above her head to keep from running into the bars of the headboard.
“I'm sorry, I'm sorry,” she chanted, clenching her muscles and forcing her hips up. His increased pace read like forgiveness. The motion of his fingers on her clit was exquisite torture. His supporting arm slid until it sank under the pillow alongside her head. Chunks of his hair swished against her cheeks and shoulders as he raised his head to look at her.
“You feel so good,” she said, unthinkingly.
He nearly smiled, and the tension in his face she thought was worry was replaced with something different and more esoteric. She clasped her fingers around the small of his back and pulled her knees toward her chest.
He sank into her yet more deeply and made a harsh sobbing noise. His fingers never stopped though, pinching and pulling at her clit.
“You're going to make me come,” she gasped.
“Yes,” he hissed and the power of his thrusts increased.
“I want to make you come, too,” she added, searching his face. He was pink and sweating and, just as she'd imagined, his his nose dominated his face, nostrils flared even though he was panting. “Please. I want to make you feel good.”
“You do,” he moaned and increased the pace of his hips and fingers again.
She felt the hard clench and knew she was seconds away from coming. “Sev,” she whispered.
“Lil.” He pinched her clit and she came, trying to see him, but her eyes shut of their own accord. She froze and he slowed. Stars twinkled behind her eyelids until she forced them open to see him looking down at her in wonder.
“Come, Sev,” she ordered gently and clamped down her soft muscles while pulling him further into her using her heels.
His body seized and shuddered.
As he relaxed, collapsing on top of her, she eased him to the side, letting him rest next to her, allowing him to slip gently from her body. He pulled her over him as eagerly as she clung to him. She stroked his sweaty chest gently, letting her fingers map the undulation of his muscles and the topography of scars and body hair.
“I can't believe it,” he muttered. She looked up. From the angle of her head on his shoulder, she had a great view up his nose.
“What can't you believe?” Her throat felt raw. She must have been more vocal than she thought.
“We are here. Alone. I have dreamed...”
“I was foolish,” she interrupted.
And then it was there, between them, the spectre of her marriage and his affiliation with the Dark Lord.
“Can we?” She started.
“No,” he said, immediately, but wrapped his arms around her, clutching her to his side.
She pushed herself up so she could look down at him. The flush of arousal was fading, leaving his skin alabaster white, with purple circles under his eyes.
“We will,” she said.
“I don't,” he started.
“It doesn't matter,” she said, and sincerely meant it. “Whatever it is, it doesn't matter. All that matters is now.”
“You say that.” He didn't push her away, but his whole demeanour changed. “But tomorrow, or next week, what then?”
“Tomorrow, and next week, and then,” she started. “I let myself fall in love with you.” His breath caught, and it made her heart pound in sympathy. “Severus, I realize I don't know love if it's not with you.”
He closed his eyes and sighed. “I promised myself I'd....” he trailed off, then stroked her back lightly. “It doesn't matter. This is...”
“This. Yes. For as long as I can. For as long as we are.” She kissed him, hard. “Us.”
She set her head down on his shoulder, nuzzling to find a comfortable position. He magicked a blanket over them before wrapping her ever more thoroughly in his arms. She let herself drift off, and the world, Wizarding or otherwise, drift away. She thought she'd gone crazy, but realized that no, the last few days had been a revelation. This was her life, and this was her world. The next day and next week would come soon enough. For now, there was Severus and he was with her. He was real. And they were now.