who ? arran higgs and chloe pucey when ? wednesday evening, 7th january where ? chloe’s flat what ? home after a long day warnings ? unwilling / unwitting use of love & other mind-altering potions status ? complete
Chloe’s day had been about as tiring as she had expected. There was a lot of paperwork to go through even before they made a finalised decision, but both Chloe and Miles had agreed that it’d be good for both of their careers to take the case. So they’d started sorting the paperwork and Chloe felt utterly exhausted from needing to concentrate so much. Even Miles had been exhausted by the time they wrapped it up and he tended to be much more steady in his energy levels than Chloe. Finally, they’d agreed to call it a day at just gone six pm, mostly because both wanted to go home and not look at paperwork.
The first thing Chloe did when she stepped through the floo was kick her shoes off, giving an almost orgasmic noise at how nice her feet felt flat against the floor. Rock bounced over to greet her (or maybe greet her shoes). “Hey, you,” Chloe smiled, reaching down to fluff the fluffy ball. Rock squeaked in a way that Chloe took to indicated that he was happy to see her. “Have you seen Arran?” Chloe asked Rock but he was too preoccupied now definitely greeting Chloe’s shoes as well.
Since she couldn’t spot her husband anywhere in the flat, Chloe headed for the permafloo, dropping her jacket on one of the nearest chairs before she stepped through. “Arran, are you home?” Chloe called out before finally finding her husband in his kitchen. “I hope you’ve had a less exhausting day than me,” she announced dropping onto one of the sofas.
--
Since talking to Cora, Arran had felt unsettled, like he'd noticed something that was deeply wrong that had somehow never occurred to him before. How had he got so used to the people he loved criticising him, trying to encourage him to change? Not just Chloe and Terence, but his dad, and now Roger. Even the Cannons - the captain had taken Arran aside to give him some advice on captaining, and Arran had just felt so fucking small. He'd never even wanted to be captain. He'd always said he'd be perfectly happy with his career if he never was - but would Chloe still think he was good enough? Why hadn't she been happy with him as just Keeper?
Rock had run off almost as soon as they got home, probably to go and play in Chloe's shoe cupboard. Arran had considered going to the campervan, but he couldn't quite face it. Instead, he'd turned the wireless on and listened with half an ear to some drama about an escapologist and a music hall singer (neither of which Arran was entirely sure he knew what they were). He'd only remembered at the last minute that he was supposed to be making dinner for Chloe, so he was making one of his quickest recipes when she walked in.
He hummed in response to her question, because while his day had been pretty shit, he wasn't sure talking to Chloe was going to make him feel better. She'd just tell him it was his problem, and he'd have to be careful not to tell her about Cora, anyway. "I thought we'd eat in here for a change," he said, gesturing around his open-plan kitchen. "Evan bothered to build it for me, we might as well get some use out of it." Unless, of course, Chloe didn't like it. "How was your paperwork?"
--
Pulling her blouse out of her skirt, Chloe nodded. "Sure," she said when Arran told her they should eat there. She did frown slightly at the addition of how Evan had built for Arran so they should use it. Chloe didn't really think they didn't use Arran's place, though, perhaps he was right, they did tend to spend a lot more time in her flat than at his house. Given that Chloe often worked out of her flat, though, it sort of made more sense. Still, it wasn't like they couldn't have dinner in Arran's house. "Paperwork-y," Chloe answered with a sigh.
Getting up from the sofa, Chloe went to the fridge to get some juice only to find that Arran's fridge didn't stock juice. She opted to get some water instead, bumping her hip against Arran. "How was your day?" She asked. "Did you get a chance to have a chat with your coach?" Arran had seemed quite unhappy with the conversation he'd had with the coach yesterday, so Chloe was hopeful that perhaps today had been better.
--
"Did you decide whether you were going to take the case?" Arran asked. He didn't really want to talk, but he'd promised Chloe he would make her dinner, and she was here now, and what was he going to say to get out of talking? If he tried, she'd just tell him - something, that he shouldn't bottle things up. Arran felt torn between wanting to bottle things up, and wanting to prove he could be a good husband. Except, that was just being the person Chole wanted him to be, and Arran was no longer sure how he felt about that. "Glazed salmon okay?" If it wasn't, he didn't know what they were going to do for dinner, because it was practically ready.
Arran shrugged as Chloe once again asked after his day. What could he say that wouldn't be 'too negative'? And why did he have to choose what he said so carefully anyway? "Not really," he answered. "I took Rock to see the photos of the Cannons' old winning teams. By the time we were done, there wasn't time." His coach hadn't held him back today, though he'd still aimed a few sharp words in Arran's direction. "I'll get over it, right? Because it's just me being moody, or whatever. I don't need to talk about it."
--
"We are going to take it, yeah," Chloe nodded, stealing a cherry tomato off one of the plates Arran had prepared for the salmon. "That sounds excellent," she promised, because it did, but also at this point Chloe would probably eat whatever Arran put in front of her. Turning to lean against one of the counter, but not so close she'd be in Arran's way, Chloe took a sip of her water, giving a small grin when Arran told her he'd taken Rock to work to show him photos. "Did he enjoy that?" Chloe asked with amusement. "Are you secretly prepping him to one day grow up and be a quaffle?" Rock would probably love that, apart from the bit where quidditch had almost no nice women's shoes.
Chloe did raise her eyebrow when Arran informed her that he'd get over it and that he was just 'being moody', which Chloe was quite sure was aimed at what she had said yesterday rather than a genuine admission of moodiness. "What's up?" She asked, tilting her head at Arran slightly. "I mean, you are kind of being moody," she told him because, really, he was.
--
Arran nodded, finishing the rice and adding it to the plates before he retrieved the salmon from the oven as well. They really didn't eat in here as much as they did in Chloe's flat, and it felt weird taking a seat. Arran couldn't help wondering if Chloe would rather be elsewhere. Frankly, he felt like he would rather be elsewhere, and he wondered what it would be like if he'd come home to his own flat to be by himself. Worse than this? Probably. But having to be a different person in order to not be alone didn't really seem right. "Yeah," he said, handing Chloe her plate before he brought over cutlery. "I left him in the locker room to pretend to be a quaffle there. Didn't want anyone to say he was distracting me."
Chloe's question just made Arran raise an eyebrow right back. "It doesn't matter what's wrong, then, does it?" he asked. "Since it's just me, being me. You'll only say I'm being negative. Or that I'm looking at it like it's black or white." He had no idea whether he was looking at the situation 'wrong'. Probably Chloe would find a way to say he was, and Terence and Roger and his dad and his nan would all agree with her. No one was on Arran's side. "We can just talk about something else."
--
It wasn't exactly difficult to tell that Arran definitely was in a mood and Chloe really wasn't quite sure what had brought it on. She joined him at the table, taking a fork and trying the salmon before she said anything else. "Of course it matters what's wrong," she told Arran, frowning slightly at him when he informed Chloe of what she'd say. Honestly, Chloe wasn't even sure he was wrong in his predictions, because Arran did tend to be both, too harsh on himself and looking at things as if they were black and white. She just couldn't really figure out what the core of this particular problem was. Work, she assumed, because that had been the problem yesterday.
"The food's very nice," she offered somewhat tentatively, taking a sip of her water. Truthfully, the rice was almost definitely overcooked, but Chloe doubted Arran would appreciate that particular criticism right now. She did raise an eyebrow at him when he said they should just talk about something else. "We can, but honestly I'd rather you told me what was going on," she told him truthfully. "I've had a very long day, Arran, I'm not sure I'm in a mood for this weird passive aggressive shite you're doing," she told Arran waving her fork around.
--
Arran wasn't convinced it did matter what was wrong, because as far as Chloe was concerned, he would be wrong. He'd be looking at something wrong, or reacting to it wrong, or Arran didn't even know what. It would definitely be his fault, though. "Why does it matter?" he asked. "So you can tell me what I'm wrong about and I can try to fix it? Again?" He'd tried so hard, last year, and right now he wasn't even sure why. "Maybe I don't want to fix it this time."
He scowled at being told Chloe had had a long day, feeling like she was telling him his problems were inconvenient, when he hadn't even wanted to talk about them in the first place. "Why isn't being myself ever good enough? Why do I always have to do better?" It ached, because Arran wasn't sure why Chloe had even married him if she needed him to try to be different all the time. "Maybe I should just go, and then you won't have to deal with whatever shite I'm doing at all."
--
"Of course it matters," Chloe said somewhat confused, a confusion which only increased when Arran announced that he didn't want to fix it. "You're not happy," she pointed out. "And you're making it very difficult for me to understand why." Or rather, Arran wasn't telling Chloe why, but he was very effectively starting to piss her off. All Chloe had wanted was a nice evening together, maybe she could even get Arran to rub her feet whilst they sat around on the sofa after dinner. Currently, that plan seemed pretty unattainable. And honestly, Chloe had no idea why. She didn't think she'd suggested Arran fix anything, and rather just tell her what was wrong. There weren't a lot of clues for her to go from.
Chloe's eyes did widen slightly when Arran asked why being himself was never good enough, because she was pretty sure it was. Needing to do better, though, that rang bells with Chloe. "Have you been arguing with your brother again?" Chloe asked frowning. Whatever she had expected, though, it definitely hadn't been for Arran to announce that maybe he should leave. "Where are you going to go?" She asked mostly because of being startled than actually considering what she was asking. It was true, though, they were in Arran's house. He could, presumably, go across the road to Roger's, but in the mood Arran was in, Chloe doubted even Roger would want to see him.
--
"You telling me how I need to be less negative, or that it's all my fault if I look at it your way isn't going to make me happier," Arran pointed out. He wasn't sure he fully understood himself why he was unhappy, but he didn't think that talking to Chloe was going to make it go away. Not when she'd only criticise him. "It'll just make me feel like shit, like I'm not a good enough husband, and you need me to be different or you wouldn't have married me." And Arran already felt like shit. "It doesn't matter why. Whether it was coach or Sam or the captain, you won't believe they could do anything wrong, just that I did." Even, Arran remembered, when that stupid reporter had hounded Gemma, that had somehow been his fault.
Arran pushed his food away, no longer hungry. He knew he should eat, but everything felt like it had gone to shit. His marriage that he'd thought he was happy in, but in which he couldn’t even be himself without being told he needed to change. "I haven't seen Terence in like a week," he answered. "But I'm sure he'd agree with you. Probably he'd tell me that I just need to have faith in myself, whatever that means. But how am I supposed to have faith in myself when everyone criticises me all the time?" Arran's emotions were getting the better of him, and he knew that statement was just looking at things in black and white, but the last thing he wanted was to be told about it. He hadn't really considered where he would go. "I - Upstairs. You can close the permafloo if you don't want to see me. I'm sure Rock would pick you to keep company anyway."
--
Chloe wasn't quite sure how to respond to Arran's... well, accusations, she wasn't sure what else they were. He had some points, she supposed, because Chloe did try to suggest things that she felt might help, but up until literally right now Arran had wanted her to do that. "I don't need you to be different!" Chloe defended, feeling like it was rather unfair on both of them to say that she wouldn't have married Arran if he wouldn't... what? Be different? It didn't even make sense. "Well, frankly, if this is the attitude you took with your coach or Sam or the captain, then you need to rethink what exactly it is that you want to people to see you as," Chloe pointed out, feeling like she had to at least defend that. She had asked Arran if he was sure yesterday that he wasn't the one who'd been moody and this, really, just emphasised that he probably had been.
When Arran abandoned his food, so did Chloe, because her appetite had suddenly gone. She almost laughed when Arran said he'd go upstairs, like a fucking moody teenager. "Are you even listening to yourself?" Chloe said rolling her eyes when Arran announced that Rock would pick Chloe over him (though, honestly, in the mood Arran was in, Chloe wouldn't be surprised if the fluffy rock did). "You're being fucking unreasonable, Arran. I don't understand where any of this is coming from," Chloe said standing up because somehow having this argument sat down made her feel trapped.
--
"You don't need me to be different, but you need me to rethink what exactly it is that I want people to see me as?" Arran quoted back to Chloe. "That is being different. Think differently. Act differently. The way I think is always wrong." It really did feel like Arran couldn't count on a single person who was supposed to love him to be on his side in this. Hadn't they all encouraged him to change and be a better person? It had been hard, and tiring, but Arran had done his best, only his best still wasn't good enough, even after everyone had promised that it was all they expected.
Arran didn't get up. He did come awfully close to telling Chloe she should just get out, then, if he was so fucking unreasonable. It felt uncomfortably like the same impulse that had made him tell Roger to get out after he'd admitted sleeping with Cariad. "Everyone wants me to be different," Arran complained. "I think the only person who actually likes me as I am is fucking Cora!" Which was backwards, because Chloe was his wife, she was the one who was supposed to love him.
--
"Is it, though?" Chloe asked, feeling her own annoyance rise. "Or am I saying think about how you act? Because frankly, I think you might use a bit of that right now." Maybe it was telling Arran what to do, but honestly, Chloe felt that currently he seriously needed to consider what the fuck he was saying. Chloe had done nothing to deserve being told off for... what? That possibly annoyed her most of all, the fact that she just didn't get what Arran's problem was. She had been encouraging of him trying to change, but she had also told him outright that there was nothing wrong with him, that she didn't expect him to change. He had wanted to change, so whatever this was? Chloe had no idea.
Chloe didn't think people wanted Arran to be different, she certainly didn't. Or well, perhaps that wasn't completely true, since right now she would've preferred if he was approaching this (whatever it was) differently. Chloe was about to say as much when Arran announced that the only person who actually liked was Cora. That made Chloe still as she blinked at Arran. "Excuse me?" She asked almost too slowly.
--
Arran genuinely didn't see a difference between 'think about how you act' and 'think differently about how you act'. "You don't just want me to think about it," he insisted. "You want me to think about it your way, about how I'm in the wrong, and I need to change. And I've just accepted that." Arran honestly felt annoyed with himself, for letting this happen. Why hadn't he stood up to it? Why hadn't he asked why everyone needed him to be a different person in order to be supportive? But what had been the alternative? He'd have lost everyone if he'd not changed. Was he now stuck, being the person everyone else had wanted him to become? For the first time in years, Arran felt like crying, because it was all so unfair. The fact that Chloe would tell him it was all in his head was the only thing that stopped him.
Chloe's tone made Arran pause as well, all the guilt from the other night rushing back over him. That, too, would be his fault. "She was nice to me this morning," he said. "Told me I deserved to play at the Euros because I'm a great keeper." He didn't repeat that she thought him the best keeper, because that seemed arrogant. "She didn't ask whether I'd considered that maybe coach is right." Was it really so much to ask?
--
It was true that Chloe would prefer for Arran to think about it her way, and yes, right now she did also think that her way was definitely the better one, because her way wasn't the one that had started this fight. But quite frankly, Chloe was too distracted by Arran talking about Cora to even bother pointing that out. "And that's different from what I say?" She asked, though, obviously, Arran clearly thought it was. "I did ask whether you'd considered if your coach might be right, because it's his fucking job to coach you," she pointed out waving her arms around as if that was somehow make the point come across stronger. It probably wouldn't, if only because Arran seemed really quite set in his opinion on... whatever. That Chloe wasn't as supportive as Cora.
"I guess, I'm sorry I'm not as nice as Cora," Chloe said, but there was little in her tone that implied that she actually felt sorry at all. "I don't know what the fuck is going on, Arran. Nothing, as far as I can tell, has changed between us apart from fucking Cora." Which, really, was fucking great. Chloe had no understanding what role exactly Cora played in this, but she did know that the last she'd heard of the woman Arran had been accused of hitting on her by his best friend. "I don't want to be having this fight, and I definitely don't want to be compared to the president of your fucking fan club," she told Arran harshly. "So why don't you tell me what you want me to do, eh? Do you want me to tell you how I think you're wonderful? Because frankly right now you're really not."
--
Chloe's words left Arran feeling like he'd been doused in cold water, because they seemed to confirm everything he'd been talking about. Chloe didn't think he was wonderful. Chloe, who actually knew Arran, and had married him, didn't even seem to like him right now. He had no idea what he wanted, but it wasn't this, feeling like he had to keep doing things Chloe's way or his marriage was going to fall apart. "It would be nice if you actually thought I was wonderful," he muttered. "Otherwise, I'm not really sure why you married me." Except that Chloe had thought the person Arran had tried to be was wonderful. Wonderful enough, anyway. Arran knew he hadn't told her that he couldn't be that person forever. In fact, he was quite sure he had promised he would try forever.
Feeling like he'd disappointed everyone again, and worse than ever, Arran rested his elbows on the table and leaned forward. There was no one he could go to, no one who would understand. "I thought I could do this." He must have, though he couldn't imagine it right now. "But why do I have to? I never asked you to be better." Or anyone. It had just been Arran, trying to change to suit everyone else.
--
Chloe did think Arran was wonderful and up until literally right now she thought he knew that. Currently, in the middle of this fight, no, she didn't think he was wonderful, but that was just how fights were. What Chloe hadn't done, though, was marry Arran because she thought he was wonderful. She'd married him because she loved him and because she loved him with all of his imperfections. Including, unfortunately, being unreasonable and accusing her of not being as supportive as Cora. So when Arran said that he didn't think he could do this, Chloe felt like her blood ran cold, because for a brief moment she thought he meant their whole marriage.
It was true that Arran didn't ask Chloe to be better, but she still tried to be better for him. Chloe was sure that Arran knew that but right now he really wasn't making it sound at all like he did. In fact, it sounded quite a lot like he was accusing her of not trying. Worse than that, not trying and demanding that only he tried. It did hurt, quite a bit, but Chloe reasoned that Arran didn't really mean it, didn't realise how it'd make her feel. Arran wasn't cruel, he was just a bit thoughtless at times. Which had in no way stopped Chloe wanting to be married to him. "I really don't know what is going on at the moment, but I think that if we carry on with this conversation, both of us might say something we'll regret later," Chloe said very carefully. "Do you want me to leave?" She asked, almost painfully aware that the answer was going to be 'yes'. Chloe wanted them to sort this out, to talk over whatever was bothering Arran, to have him listen to her rather than just throw accusations at her, but that seemed very unlikely to happen tonight.
--
Arran had never really had fights with girlfriends. He'd had fights with Terence, and occasionally with his dad, and certainly with people he'd been on teams with. Even when Cariad and Roger had slept together, Arran hadn't fought with either of them, he'd just stopped talking to them. He didn't know how you stopped having a fight with someone you lived with. He couldn't very well leave Chloe alone for a few days and then take her food, which was what Terence did with him. "Or what?" he asked, genuinely not knowing what the alternative to Chloe leaving was. Could they sit and pretend they weren't having a fight? That didn't seem very likely. Arran didn't think he had it in him to be fun or affectionate, nor to listen to whatever Chloe might have to say about how he should behave better.
He didn't want Chloe to leave. He didn't want to be alone and have no one he could talk to, but he did agree that Chloe was right, that this conversation wasn't going anywhere good. He just wanted to feel like Chloe liked him as he was, that she didn't regret marrying him. He had no idea how to ask for that, and no confidence it was something Chloe would even be able to provide, because she didn't like him as he was. She, like everyone else, would be disappointed if he stopped trying so hard to be better.
--
The obvious alternative to just leave, for Chloe, seemed to actually talk about what was going on. Chloe wasn't very sure that would work, however. Not if Arran was so convinced that she wasn't... what? Doing enough? Being supportive enough? Being more like Cora? "Or you could tell me where all of this is coming from? We could talk about it?" Chloe suggested, though she honestly wasn't sure if that was something that'd be possible. There was a sense of anxiety in her stomach at the idea that Arran was just going to carry on accusing her of making him be different, only wanting to be married to him if he was different.
"I have told you that you don't have to change for me," she told Arran. "I've told you that you're great as you are." She really had. "And," there Chloe paused briefly. "I'm sorry if you don't feel like I'm trying for you," she added. That did hurt, but not quite as much as Arran saying that he didn't think he could do this. Or comparing Chloe to a woman she'd never even met.
--
Arran frowned. "Isn't that carrying on the conversation?" Chloe had said she was worried if they did that, they'd say things that they regretted. Arran didn't want to know what Chloe might be thinking that she was trying not to say. More criticism, he assumed. Doubts about their marriage, and about him. Besides, Arran wasn't sure he could explain 'where' it was coming from. "All week it seems like no one thinks I'm good enough. And then, I was talking to Cora, and really - it's longer than that, isn't it? Or I wouldn't have had to change." And Arran had changed. Right now, he couldn't remember that he'd changed because he wanted the people he loved to feel more like he cared for them. All he could think was that he'd had to change. "I got used to feeling a bit shit about myself, all the time. Enough that I'm always thinking 'was that too negative?' or 'have I done enough for other people?'." Arran rubbed a hand over his cheek, hard enough to stop his eyes from stinging. "And Cora said that didn't sound very fun, feeling shit about myself so much." This week, it hadn't felt fun. Nothing really had.
Cora had been so nice, actually trying to make Arran feel better, rather than making him question his role in whatever had gone wrong. Her interest in him made Arran feel like maybe he wasn't so bad, after all. Though, she didn't know him well, but Arran was strangely sure that it wouldn't be a problem with Cora. Now Chloe mentioned it, Arran could remember that she had told him he didn't need to change, and that he'd insisted on changing anyway, because - Well, he couldn't really remember the because. His frown deepened. "I know you try," he said. He did know that, knew that Chloe came to his games and wore orange and got on with his family and did her best for him. "But I don't ask you to try differently. So it doesn't feel the same."
--
Chloe sighed, because yes, talking about, explaining whatever was going on in Arran's head, was carrying on the conversation. But the alternative did seem to be just leaving, and Chloe didn't want Arran unhappy, with her or otherwise. She wasn't sure what she'd done to make Arran feel like he wasn't good enough. Yes, she had encouraged him to be less negative and to pay closer attention to seeing everything as black or white, but those had been suggestions to make Arran feel better, not to make him different for her. And then there was Cora. "What is this thing you have with Cora?" Chloe asked genuinely confused what role exactly the woman played in all of it. "I'm sorry you feel that I've made you feel shit about yourself," Chloe said. That really did hurt, because as a wife, as a supportive person in Arran's life, as his friend, she shouldn't make Arran feel like that, and Chloe really had not known she did. "It doesn't sound very fun to feel like shit about yourself so much," Chloe agreed. "But you haven't said you do, Arran," Chloe pointed out.
At least the acknowledgement that Arran knew Chloe tried, helped, even if she couldn't currently see evidence of that. "I've only ever asked you to try differently so you would feel better. You're the one who worried that people didn't correctly understand the things you were doing," she commented, running her hand over her side, in some sort of false attempt to straighten her blouse. "What--what do you want me to do differently?" Chloe asked looking up at Arran almost in defeat.
--
"It's not a thing," Arran said defensively. "She's just - around." She seemed to have been around even more recently than was usual. "She's organising some of the Cannons fans going to Euros, and she comes along to the pub sometimes when we're there. I bumped into her outside the manager's office, and we were talking about Rock and my house, and I asked if she got on with her sisters." He hated how guilty he felt, because he knew he was keeping information from Chloe, but that was what he and Roger had decided was best. Nothing he'd said was untrue, it just wasn't the full truth, because Arran did find himself thinking about how pretty Cora was, or how nice it had felt to talk to her and not then have to squash his brain into a new shape to see a different perspective on everything. "I didn't really realise I did, until I said to Cora that it had felt like shit before I got used to it." And getting used to feeling that way really wasn't a good sign.
Whatever Chloe's intentions had been, Arran definitely did not feel better. He just felt like everyone was against him, and he was constantly being told he should accept that he was the one who caused that. "But why can't people correctly understand? If they know me, couldn't they just - accept that me doing things doesn't mean what they think it means?" He frowned up at Chloe from his seat at the table, shaking his head. "I don't want to tell you to do things differently, and make you feel like shit." Arran knew how that could feel, and he didn't want Chloe to feel that way. Why couldn't it just be that neither of them had to force themselves to be different? "I just know everyone would be disappointed if I changed back, so I have to keep being different, and what if it never ends?" What if there was always something Arran had to change?
--
Chloe tried very hard not to feel jealous of Cora, because none of what Arran said really should've made her feel jealous. So he saw her often, or often-ish. That wasn't really a problem. There were plenty of people Chloe saw often and she definitely didn't think Arran should feel jealous about it. Of course, none of those people actively wanted to sleep with Arran and Chloe hadn't been told off by her friend for hitting on them. Chloe trusted Arran, she really did, which made her feelings of jealousy feel so bad. Like she was somehow failing Arran by feeling jealous of this other woman. Of course, then Arran said how he hadn't known he felt this way until he'd talked to Cora. "Well, I'm really glad Cora's there for you, Arran, in ways that I'm clearly not," Chloe half-snapped, because it was unfair. She couldn't predict how Arran felt if he wasn't going to talk to her and for him to talk to someone else, someone who Chloe didn't even know? That was pretty shitty.
"People do do that, Arran," Chloe pointed out. "I do that," she added. "Sometimes you don't think about things and people still love you anyway. I love you, whether you change or don't change," she said and then almost laughed when Arran said he didn't want to make her feel shit by telling her what to do differently. "Yeah, well, you're doing a pretty good job at making me feel like shit now," she said shaking her head. "Will everyone be disappointed? How do you know that?" Chloe challenged. "You're not making sense, Arran. There's just no logic in what you're saying." There really wasn't. It all seemed to boil down to 'I don't have to change but people will hate me' and it wasn't true and frankly, even if it had been, then surely that was something that could be addressed in other, less tantrum-throwing ways?
--
"I don't want it to be Cora that's there for me," Arran said. He really didn't, because as nice as Cora was, he barely knew her, and she didn't really know anything about him, and he was married and he wasn't supposed to find talking to another woman more reassuring than talking to his wife. "It's not as if I asked to see her because I wanted to complain. I wasn't even complaining!" At least, Arran didn't think he had been. He'd just been talking about the realities of his relationships with people, and Cora had found those realities to be troubling. Arran found those realities to be troubling. "I can't tell you I'm feeling like shit without worrying I'm being too negative."
Chloe's point that people already overlooked Arran's faults didn't make him feel any better. "Well, I'm sorry it's so difficult for everyone to love me." It didn't feel fair. Arran didn't find it hard to love people, he didn't need to overlook their faults or ask them to think or act differently. He just loved them, so much so that he'd tried his best to improve for them, and now it didn't seem like it had even worked. He got up when Chloe accused him of making her feel like shit, and not making sense. It made perfect sense to Arran, but he didn't know what to do about it. "In that case why don't you just leave?" he asked. "Unless you're hoping you can make me more logical, too?"
--
Maybe Chloe hadn't made it very inviting for Arran to share his feelings with her. She had told him that he had a tendency to be too negative, but Chloe hadn't felt like that had meant Arran couldn't talk to her about things. In fact, he had talked to her about things even after she'd pointed that out. But none of that seemed all that relevant to Arran right now as he accused Chloe of not being... what? There for him? Supportive enough? Loving him for who he was? She didn't know, but all of those felt untrue. Still, Chloe was running out of words with which to convince Arran of that and frankly, she wasn't sure why she had to. This wasn't her fault, except reminding herself of that was getting harder and harder.
Chloe definitely hadn't said that it was difficult for people to love Arran, far from it. Evidently, though, Arran only heard what Arran wanted to hear, so Chloe wasn't sure what else she could do. And then Arran said that maybe she should leave, and Chloe took a step back. She really didn't think she was going to make Arran more logical, or frankly, less angry. "I am going to leave," Chloe confirmed. "I'm not happy to leave this as it is, but right now, I don't know what else to say. You're not listening to me, so maybe it'll be easier tomorrow," she said before walking over to the table to pick up the food, because fuck Arran, she was at least going to have her dinner. "I love you and I'll see you tomorrow," Chloe said before walking through the permafloo. A few minutes later, Rock bounced through it before the permafloo closed.