InsaneJournal

Raleigh wasn't a good actor. But he was deteremined and when he had a plan he stuck with it. And in his mixed up mind, the plan was to avoid Zach, let things cool off, and stick to what he had been doing before. After nights of not being able to sleep he realized that it didn't matter if Zach was sleeping with other people, he still bring himself back to doing that. And okay, it did matter. It mattered a lot. And Raleigh hated to think of it. So he just didn't. That didn't mean that he wasn't thinking of Zach almost constantly though. Thinking and not talking and not knowing what in the hell was going on with Zach these days. And he hated it. But he had to believe there would be a greater good from it. Whenever Zach was ready to see it or believe it. He was still thinking these things over as he strolled through the curiously empty hallway towards his room, books under his arm and a serious look on his face. Zach was missing Raleigh, he wanted the other man to be close to him again, and he remebered the nights they had spent sleeping in the same bed, and it had been great. He hadn't been sleeping as wel and it was showing slightly. The dorms were tense as people realized that the two of them weren't speaking. He was heading back to his dorm's when he spotted Raleigh and he moved before thinking, running up, grabbing the other mans' up and pulling him into a classroom, shoving the door closed and leaning against it. "We need to talk." Raleigh nearly dropped the books he was carrying when he felt himself abruptly being tugged into a random classroom. There was a brief noise out of his mouth but he refocused and quieted himself when he made sure not to drop any of his things. "What the bloody...." Raleigh asked still a bit confused as he yanked his arm away and tried to fix his robes back into place. "Anything specific?" Raleigh asked dryly, as he put himself back together and realized it was Zach who had closed them up in this empty classroom together. "What do you think you idiot," Zach snapped, crossing his arms over his chest, looking at the other man for a few moments before he sighed, trying not to feel anger at the other man. "Are we ever going to talk again?" he asked, he wanted talking - at least that. More would be nice as well, a lot more, but talking was a start, and it was a good one. Raleigh had half a mind to play difficult, to frustrate Zach with answers that got them nowhere just like he felt Zach had done to him. But he also didn't want to keep going around and around in that circle. Raleigh pursed his lips and tried to overlook the fact that Zach called him an idiot. So he thought of a real answer to give to Zach and his question of him. It was hard to do. Raleigh was quiet for a moment and shrugged. "I don't know, Zachary," Raleigh started with a shrug and another sigh. "It's kind of hard to talk to you....or even be around you," he admitted. Zach swallowed at that, feeling hurt suddenly and his stomach was beginning to hurt slightly. "Oh," he said softly, looking down at the floor slightly before he looked up at the other man, his face determiend. "Think you're ever going to be able to stand the sight of me again or should I just stop the hope of being friends again now?" he asked wanting to know "See. That," Raleigh jumped in pointing at Zach, specifically his mouth. "That's not what I said. I didn't say that I can't stand the sight of you," Raleigh corrected, his tone getting higher. "What do you that?" he asked, putting his things down on a table and walking over closer to Zach. "I didn't say that I didn't want to be around you. I just said that it's hard right now," Raleigh continued. "You know you've made me feel like a complete idiot in more ways then one. So just hanging out is going to be a bit awkward. And friends talk about things that I'm not sure I really want to know about. And .." Raleigh just trailed off, sighing because he wasn't sure if he was making sense or just rambling. "Well it's how I'm beginning to feel right now," Zach replied underneath his breath even though he was sure Raleigh could hear him. He looked up when Raleigh moved closer and blinked slightly. He looked at the other man, silently, keeping his arms crossed over his chest as he chewed his bottom lip. "I didn't mean to," he said softly. IN truth he didn't know why he hadn't jumped at the chance to be with Raleigh really, he had wanted to, he really had, but he was nervous, scared. "Now you're being ridiculous," Raleigh said right after Zach's murmuring reply. He had heard, whether he was supposed to or not. "I think I made it perfectly clear that I anything but can't stand you...or the sight of you, or whatever it was you said..." Raleigh fumed. He was quiet for a moment to let it pass. "I certainly don't want to say all or nothing. Because I couldn't bare nothing. Not more of this..." he added, elaborating by flipping his hands around in the air. "But Zach, I look at you and I want you to be mine. Not like a bloody fucking greeting card, either. Like I can't fucking stand it. And for once it isn't about sex. So being around you, at least right now, it's like a big fucking tease to me," he explained. "So I really don't see how a nice little uncomplicated friendship fits into this picture." Zach looked down when he heard Raleigh say he wanted them to be together, for him to be Raleigh's and he swallowed slightly, wanting that as well, rubbing his forehead wondering where everything had gotten so messed up. He shouldn't have done anything after that first time, should've stopped, but it was Raleigh and he liked the other man, perhaps even more than he was willing to admit and he didn't know what else to do. "I just want to talk to you again," he said looking up, ignoring the rest, not sure how to stop that conversation. he was confused with himself, and it didn't make it easier talking to Raleigh. Raleigh let out a bitter laugh. He sucked in a large breath of air and pushed out through his nose before bringing a hand up so his fingers could grip the bridge of his nose while he squinted, leaned his neck back and groaned while he tried to think things through. "Yeah, okay," he groaned, letting his hand drop to his side as he straightened back up and looked over at Zach. He was still angry, because everything had turned into what Zach wanted and how Zach wanted and when Zach wanted. And not that he wouldv'e minded that at all, in a normal context, but right now it just didn't seem fair. "Fine, Zach. However you want to do this. What's easier for you? Pretend nothing happened? Pretend that I don't feel the way I do AND that you don't feel the way YOU do, because I know you do!" Raleigh said pointing at him. "I have an idea..."he said bitterly. Raleigh pulled out his wand from his robes. "Let's do memory erasing charms shall we? And do you know one that would work quite the opposite of a love spell?" he asked with a biting tongue because his suggestino was sarcastic and meant to be mean, which this part of him seemed to get away from him when he was upset or angry or hurt and deep down he really wasn't wanting to hurt Zach any more. Zach was hurt and he didn't know what to do. He didn't want it to be all about him, but right now he also did. Because it wasn't Raleigh who had sat through everything in the past few years, it wasn't Raleigh who had years of emotions and liking which could hurt if anything went wrong, and it wasn't Raleigh who was scared out of his mind. "Oh fuck off," he said angrily, stepping away from the door, glaring at the other man. "Stop being a fucking idiot," he said stepping forward, flinching at the love spell mention and reached out, grabbing Raleigh's wand, and threw it away. "You want to know why the hell I don't want to do anything with you?" he demanded, pressing hands to the other man's chest and shoving. "Because frankly, I think you're nothing more than a load of bullshite right now. I know you Raleigh, you get bored really quickly, and I am not going to go into a fucking relationship with you on the off chance that perhaps you might not get bored. I've lo-liked you for too fucking long to see myself get hurt like that. And if you think you're hurting right now, imagine what could happen to me! I like you Raleigh, I like you a lot and you could fuck me over and I do not want that to happen. You didn't have to spent two years in a dorm listening to you with a different girl almost every week, you didn't have to listen to all of the stories about the girls and everything yes. And yes, I could've fucking told you I liked you, but I'm sorry, when someone responds to your coming out with 'please tell me you don't like me, that's weird' it's a bit hard to let people know huh?" he asked shoving the other man as his voice seemed to raise with each step. Raleigh's eyes grew wide the second that Zach snatched his wand out of his hand. His head snapped trying to watch where it would land as it whipped through the air and to the corner. "I didn't mean...."Raleigh said under his breath, rolling his eyes but feeling a bit sheepish now. "Yeah. I don want to know," Raleigh clarified more assertively after Zach asked the question of him. He stood up straight, more interested in this conversation with Zach than trying to retrieve his wand at the moment. "Why would you---?" Raleigh began before stumbling back with Zachary's push. "Stop saying that...I'm not going..."Raleigh argued, pullling himself together so he could give Zach a hard shove back. "I'm not going to fucking hurt you!" he countered. He watched Zach stumble back and brushed himself off. "What did you expect Zach? I was a kid. Just as awkward and confused. I'm sorry for that," he apologized in a much nicer tone. Zach stumbled back, wincing when his hip caught the edge of the desk but he ignored it as he regained his footing and stared at the other man. He rubbed his face. "I don't expect anything! I never did and I was fine by that! I'd gotten used to the idea of best friend and I was fine with that! Completely fucking fine and then you had to go and fuck it all up and fucking change everything and I don't know if I like it or not," he yelled back, staring at the other man. He rubbed his face suddenly and ran his hands through his hair as he sighed, relaxing slightly and just looking at him. "I just want things to be normal again," he finished after a few moments, voice soft. Raleigh didn't realize that this whole situation could get so confusing and so out of hand. He was going off of his feelings, which was strange and unknown territory for him. And maybe, in this situation he shouldv'e kept to the logical. Fuck. He didn't know. But every reaction from Zach since he confessed his feelings had been negative. "FINE!" Raleigh interjected. He just didnt' want to hear the rejection any more. "Fine, Zachary. Fine. Okay. Normal , or whatever..." he said, turning to go try to find his wand. He bent down behind a chair to pick up the wand. "Is that what you really want? Things to go back to the way they were?" Raleigh asked, standing back up again. Zach thought he would be relieved when Raleigh agreed, but all he felt was sad and he sighed, shrugging his shoulders as he rubbed his face hard, trying to get rid of all of these pesky emotions. "I don't know what I want Raleigh," he said softly, looking up at the other man again. "I just, I don't." Frustration couldn't even begin to describe what Raleigh was feeling. But he was completely stuck. He didn't want to say that he'd sit and wait for Zach to figure it out. That wasn't fair and it could take forever if it ever happened at all. But then again, he didn't want to pursue anything else. So whether he was consciously doing it or not, he wouldn't be moving on. Of course, it seemed pathetic to tell Zach all this. So he just didn't. "Clearly," Raleigh mumbled, rolling his eyes. Both of them seemed to be stuck in the same place as Zach moved, sitting on a desk and slouching over, eyes looking at Raleigh, bags underneath them from lack of sleeping and if possible he looked a little more gaunt and skeletal than normal. His appetite had gone down, and he'd only barely kept his weight up before this. He sighed and bit his bottom lip. "I don't know what to do then," he said raising his hands up in a helpless shrug before he dropped them back down. Raleigh was standing in front of Zach. His arms were crossed over his chest, after he had tucked his wand back into his robes. With a nod, he just eyed Zach, looking him over. He looked, well, like less of himself. And Raleigh wondered if the other was really doing okay. He took a step closer and let his hands drop to his sides. Subsconsciously, Zach reached out, to take the other's hand loosely in his own. "Zachary...are doing alright? Really?" Zach rubbed his face, feeling his other hand being taken into Raleigh's and he looked up. "I'm fine, just tired," he replied pulling his grip out of Raleigh's hand. If the other man didn't want to be friends, then that was fine. He got the same answer everyone else got now, he was fine there was nothing wrong with him and that was it. Raleigh realized that taking Zach's hand might have been the wrong thing to do at the moment. He pulled his own back when Zach did it first. And he noticed the brush off that he got out of him. "Zachary..." he said sighing. He knew that something was wrong and he knew that if Zach was being difficult than it was going to be hard to get it out if Zach was going to keep this up. All he felt right now was how he couldn't do anything right. "Am I not supposed to care?" "No, but you said you can't be friends while your feeling like that," he replied crossing his arms over his chest. "So this is me listening to your wishes and not being friends," he explained easily as he relaxed back against the desk, looking up at Raleigh with sad eyes. It was definitely harder when Zach turned things around like this. It was one thing to avoid Zach on his own terms, but compltely another when Zach was calling the shots. And he hated it. The look on Raleigh's face was just as hopeless and maybe similar to a child's who was not getting their way. "Zachary, I don't....well, you know...and ..." again he was too frustrated to articulate and he was covering his eyes with the palm of his hand. "This is not what I want," he said, dropping his hands again. "Then what do you want Raleigh?" Zach replied really confused by now as he rubbed his forehead, wanting the other man to be straight with him, to tell him what the fuck was going on and why the hell they couldn't just go back to how it used to be. There really weren't words that Raleigh could form to explain himself any better than he already had. Not that he could muster. "I...I..." Raleigh rolled his eyes, frustrated with himself. Not being able to stand it, Raleigh stepped forward and he reached down, grabbing Zach up by the front of his robes with both of his fist tight around the fabric. And once he had Zach up and into a standing position, Raleigh kept the hold on the other and pulled him even closer to his body. With his grip still tangled up in Zachary's robe, he moved in and pressed his lips to Zachary's mouth. He knew that he had told Zach he wouldn't do this again, but he couldn't help himself. And that was probably the problem. Zach felt himself being yanked forward and he went with a small swallow of both annoyance and excitement. He bit his bottom lip as he did so before lips were being pressed against his own and he didn't say anything at first, didn't do anything except for release a small moan against Raleigh's mouth, having missed this. Raleigh could feel the small vibration of the moan that Zach let escape from his lips at the second their lips touched. He opened his mouth and slid his tongue past Zach's lips, still holding on tightly. Zach made a small ound in the back of his throat before he opened his mouth into the kiss, unable to help himself as he wrapped arms around the other man's neck and pulled him close - having missed this having missed him and he wanted Raleigh. m There was a moment when Raleigh didn't know if Zach would kiss him back or push him away. They said things, what they wanted and how they needed things to be but it seemed like when they were close and when their lips touched again all that didn't matter. He was almost certain that once their lips seperated then Zach would maek things difficult again, so he had to be sure to make this last. Of course right now, it didn't seem like Zach minded, and Raleigh loved how it felt, almost like he Zach needed him with his arms around his neck. His hands moved up between their bodies and both went to hold Zach's neck, to hold him in place while they kissed. Raleigh closed his eyes and let his tongue twist around Zach's, almost like it was the first time. Zach relaxed against Raleigh - finers gipping the back of his shirt again, just as tight as he had before as he moaned slightly, loving the feeling of the other man so close to him, of his tongue in his mouth. He could hear a nagging voice in the back of his head - but he ignored it, wanting to focus on the kiss and how good it felt. He pressed up against Raleigh tighter, fingers gripping more and more as he moaned into the kiss, unable to help himself. Raleigh moved his upper body downward, into Zach and against him as his mouth continued to hungrily go for more, tongue diving deeper into Zach's mouth. He moved on of the hands from his neck, sliding it down Zach's body, his chest, his thigh until he got to the other's knee. And once he was there he pulled the other's leg apart making room for his body to fill the space between. The hand that had been on Zach's neck, slid into the other's hair and held firmly. And at almost the same time as Zachary's, a moan vibrated through Raleigh throat. And he could feel his chest begin to rise and fall with the excitement and the lack of air. Zach took a few steps back at Raleigh's insistence, feeling his arse meet the edge of a desk as he dropped one hand, bracing himself against it as he continued to kiss back, feeling the hand slide down his leg before moving it, a knee pressing between his own and he moaned, raising the leg that had been moved to wrap around Raleigh's legs, feeling the hand in his hair holding him firmly, and his fingers twisted into Raleigh's shirt tighter, twisting it as he gasped, breathless but not wanting to stop the kiss. Raleigh sucked in breath in vain, because he hadn't bothered to detach his mouth for any fresh air. With his eyes closed he was paying attention to the rest of his senese, focusing in on how Zachary's fingers were still twisitng fabric around them, tighter and tighter. And at the same time legs were wrapping around him. And oh fuck, this could get too tempting all too quickly. Raleigh didn't want to stop himself though and the voices in the back of his head were fighting like a miniature angel and devil on his shoulder. One side wanting to let himself go, the other side pointing out how this is exactly what draws Zach in and at the same time pushes him away. With a groan that couldve even sounded frustrated, Raleigh leaned in forward, pushing Zach's body back a little so he was at an incline and getting closer to the desk's surface. He ran a hand along Zach's leg which was around him, up and down focusing on his thigh while he continued to kiss, more fervently and more needed even now. Raleigh had to pull his mouth away though. He had to. He could barely breath. With a loud sucking noise he drew in a deep breath and pressed his lips back to the corner of Zach's mouth, before dragging them lower over his chin and down his throat, nibbing gently at the other's neck. Zach was at the same impasse that Raleigh was. He knew he should stop, if only to be able to pull himself away from the other man again, but with each press forward and each kiss and everythign else he was being pulled deeper and deeper into the other man and he felt good, felt amazing and it felt like he never wanted this to stop. He leaned back, one hand still braced against the counter, using his leg to help hold him up as he moaned against Raleigh's lips, louder than before, feeling the hands running acorss his thigh ebfore the kiss was gone and all he could do was gasp at the other man, his head dropping back as lips ran over his neck, eyes closed as he moved, shifting so he was sitting on the edge of the desk, both legs wrapping around Raleigh, leaning back, relaxing flat against the surface, arching up - pressing into the other man. Raleigh growled when he felt Zachary arching his body, and pushing it against Raleigh's. He own body was subtley moving forward, meeting and matching Zach's movements. Why couldn't he stop himself? Raleigh peppered a few more hungry kisses to Zach's neck before he met back with the other's lips, sucking on them and pulling a bit. He let his teeth softly graze before he slide his tongue back into Zach's mouth. He lingered with the kissing trying to decide if he should stop himself or not. He didn't want to do the wrong thing but he didn't want to lose this. One hand still held to the underside of Zach's leg, keeping him there wrapped around him and the other moved forward so his palm could push upward starting at Zach's lower stomach and move up his chest even though he was wearing clothes. "Zachary," Raleigh whispered, hovering over top of a slightly reclined Zach. "Tell me something..." he continued kissing at Zachary's jawline and nipping at his earlobes. "What am I doing wrong?" he insisted as his nimble fingers started working at the buttons on Zach's shirt. Zach was panting with everything Raleigh did to him, unable to help the small whimpers falling from his lips from each slide of the other man's tongue, from every single feeling and from the hands runing across his body, gripping, moving him like Zachary was nothing more thnan Raleigh's whim and he loved it. Loved the feeling of being controlled, and the way Raleigh just seemed to be able to pull these feelings from him with every simple motion. He moaned louder, when he felt the hand on his stomach beginning to mvoe over. He opened eyes, looking at Raleigh, mind blank as he shook his head. "Nothing," he said following by a moan, he said turning his head to the side, one hand hooking around the back of his head, the other hand moving to help Raleigh with the buttons of his shirt. "Nothing," he repated. And truly Raleigh was doing nothing wrong, it was only his own fear that was holding him back. Raleigh didn't know what kind of an answer he expected or if he thought there was any to make him feel better. But 'nothing' was good. And it was encouraging. And he quickened to undo the buttons as Zach's hands moved to help him. As soon as they were all free, Raleigh wasted no time in pushing the fabric away, exposing Zach's chest. His palms moved, and dragged the shirt up over Zach's shoulders on either side before pushing back down the length of Zach's arms until the shirt was gone and dropped somewhere on the floor. Standing up straight, Raleigh tightened his grip on Zach's thighs and yanked him closer. He was quickly moved back in to kiss down the center of Zach's chest, flicking his tongue and nipping at the skin on his way back up to Zachary's mouth, stopping to give a little attention to his hardening nipples. "Why don't you trust me Zachary?" Raleigh breathed as he came up from Zachary's throat and over his chin to kiss his lips again. Zach shifted with the other man, pulling his shirt off before relaxing back against the desk, only to be dragged froward slightly and he didn't mind as he felt the lips against his chest as he tangled one hand through Raleigh's hair, holding nightly as he felt the other man begi to kiss and nibble down his chest, moaning slightly as he arched - pressing up into the other man as he shook his head, wanting more as he pressed against the back of Raleigh's head, whimpering slightly. "I do," he moaned out - and he trusted him, he did. He just didn't know why he couldn't be what Raleigh wanted him to be. The questions and the answers were still getting them nowhere. Except they were bringing everything to a screeching hault and that was good. Raleigh moaned, a soft almost pained sound, as he continued kissing Zach's jawline, stalling to wait and see if there was anything else that Zach wanted or needed to say. Raleigh moved his lips back to kiss the corner of Zach's mouth messily. His teeth pulled Zach's bottom lip a bit before he pulled completely back, standing straight once again. Raleigh pulled his shirt up over his head and tossed to the floor next to Zach's. "You know how bad I want to do this right now?" Raleigh asked with a bitter laugh. "You know there's this other part that says I shouldn't...." Raleigh's eyes were fixed on Zach's as his hands moved to unfasten the button of Zach's pants. Raleigh pulled down the zipper and he just stopped, hand still there but he was frozen. "I don't know what to do Zachary," and he did look completely lost, torn in two between reason and desire. Zach wasn't sure he could form a coherent sentence at the moment as he moaned, biting his bottom lip, only to feel teeth tug at it, and he licke dhis lips, watching as Raleigh removed his shirt, and he reached with a long arm, the tips of his fingers trailing acros the man's skin, connecting afew freckles the moments allowing his mind to clear and he realized what was happening and he was torn as he sat up, slightly, watching as giners moved to undo his pants before he bit his lip. He wanted Raleigh to go forward with it, but didn't know what it would mean. He looked up seeing the confusion on the other man's face and he shruged. "I don't know either," he saidsoftly. Raleigh puffed out his cheeks and blew out the air that had filled the space inside his mouth. "That's not what you were supposed to say," Raleigh said forcing a half smile. He ran one hand through his hair, while he stood there breathing heavily, one hand still holding on to the zipper. "If I do this then everything I've said will mean nothing and it'll make me look like a total flake," he said, pulling the zipper back up. "And...." Raleigh groaned as he threw his hands innocently up into the air and took a step backwards. "I can't fucking believe I'm doing this...erm, not doing this I guess I mean to say" he said in a high pitched incredulous tone. The hands moved quickly behind his head as fingers interlocked and his elbows jutted out to the sides. "I'm the biggest fucking moron on the planet," he said, turning around so his back was facing Zach. Zach sat up the rest of the way as he looked at Raleigh, still panting slightly as he forced himself to calm down, pants tight but ignoring it as he watched the other man, swallowing slightly. He wanted to go along with what Raleigh was trying to do, but it felt so good for the man to be like that, moving him all over the place and doing what h wanted to him. He leaned forward when Raleigh turned, wrapping arms around his waist and dropping his head onto his friends shoulder. "Why're we fucked up?" he asked softly Raleigh didn't want to isolate himself. He didn't want to get up and leave but he wasn't sure that turning around and facing Zach was going to be very comforting at the moment either. He let himself stand very still, feeling Zach's arms wrap around him. "We are," Raleigh agreed to the part about them being fucked up. "It's my fault," Raleigh reflected. "If I hadn't been such a ... such a fucking whore, then you would trust me. And look. Now it's all a mess amd I don't know how to fix it," Raleigh said, finding it easier to talk to Zach when he wasn't looking directly at him "Raleigh," he said pulling the other man closer, dropping his head to the other man's soulder and shaking his head. "That wouldn't have made a difference," he said lying through his teeth as he did so. It would've made a different - it would've made a big fucking difference really. But he didn't want the other man to feel bad. "Maybe it can't be fixed," he said after a few moments of silence shaking his head. "Maybe we just need to step away and think?" he said softly a few moments later, not sure what else to say. Things weren't going to change, he couldn't see how. He loved the other man, loved him and yet he was too scared to do anything. Raleigh swallowed back the urge to become more upset than he already was. He breathed in and out evenly and shrugged off Zach's encouraging words. He wasn't sure what he thought. He knew that Zach didn't usually lie to him but he also knew how Zach felt about his lifestyle and the habits he had chosen. He was silent, trying to soak up the feeling of Zach's warm embrace, while he listened to the other's advice. "Perhaps..."Raleigh said stepping forward and pulling away from Zach's grip. "Perhaps, you're right," he said more stoicly. He bent down and picked up both his and Zach's shirts from the floor. Turning just slightly, and barely looking at the other, Raleigh threw Zach's shirt to him and quickly pulled his own over his head. "I should probably...uh, pretend I have something to do right now?" Raleigh said awkwardly. Zach's arms felt cold when Raleigh pulled away and he slid of of the desk and took the shirt that was handed to him, pulling it on slowly and looking at the other man as he did up the buttons, swallowing - not sure what to do or say as time without Raleigh seemed harder than before. "I guess," he said softly running a hand through his hair, a tongue running over kiss bruised lips as he looked at him sadly. "That's what's so hard about you right now," Raleigh muttered. He wasn't looking at Zach. He was just gathering up his things. "You can't make up your mind," he continued. "And I'm trying to decide what I should do based on your reactions and the things you say you want," Raleigh glanced over at Zach and he shook his head sadly. "It's like a ridiculously overthought and completely awkward dance," he compared, walking towards the door. "Despite what you seem to think, I don't think these feelings are going away any time soon so when you're done dancing, let me know," Raleigh said, twisting the doorknob to escape the room. Zach knew it and so he didn't say anything in reply, just finished doing up his shirt as he watched Raleigh sadly - swallowing slightly as he watched the other man leave before after a few moments left himself - heading quickly towards his dorm - just wanting to get away.