Who: James & Sirius What: Sirius is upset, James helps Where: Someplace in Knowhere When: After this Warnings | Status: None | Log - Complete
James knew Sirius too well. Even when Sirius wanted to be alone James knew better and knew better than anyone where to find him. The large, bear-like black dog was curled under a bench in the dark of Knowhere, his yellow eyes staring placidly out at nothing, muzzle perched on his front paws and his long ears drooping downward. He was supposed to have gone to meet with James for a cooking lesson but he’d diverted from that effort with a decidedly Not Hungry feeling in his gut.
James knew Sirius too well.
So of course his friend had been concerned and of course he knew exactly what Sirius would do. Sirius in turn knew James would come eventually but no amount of goofy feet could make the dog move. He watched James approach, a mild whimper escaping the barrel of the dog’s chest before he curled in closer to himself as if it would reduce his bulk or take him away from the concerned look in his friend’s face.
James knew Sirius too well, he knew his reluctance and difficulty with feelings. He knew the dog was the closest thing to unfeeling that Sirius could get. They didn’t have complicated minds or complex emotions. They were either decidedly HAPPY or devastatingly SAD. Sirius had told James that once, when they’d swapped stories on what it was like to be their unique animagus.
James knew Sirius too well. He might as well not bother hiding. The dog looked at his friend and after a moment he crawled out from under the bench, tail swishing just a little uncertainly as he edged closer and leaned his weight against the other boy’s legs. He sat like that waiting to be pet. He’d come back to himself in a moment, but for a minute he just wanted the comfort and it was always easier to ask as a dog. No one minded animals, everyone touched them much more freely than they touched people. Sirius knew this from experience, too.
So he sat and waited.
***
Sirius Black was a full time job. James sometimes forgot this because there was a war on, but in Knowhere, with nothing terrible to distract them, it came back into focus that Sirius carried a lot of wounds from his family that he’d never gotten past. He was short tempered, sensitive to criticism, and tended to run off when feeling bad. James, who was of a slightly more even temperament, didn’t have these problems often but had dealt with Sirius long enough that he could understand when Sirius went from good to bad at the drop of a hat.
A different person might have left a mate to deal with his issues, but it never really crossed James’ mind to abandon a friend. So after getting some weird messages, James had left the kitchen where he’d been preparing some grilled sandwiches, food in a bag he’d snatched, and he’d gone walking.
It had taken him longer to find Sirius than normal; James didn’t yet know all of the spots where he might hide. But eventually, he’d felt a bit of relief to see a dark muzzle and yellow eyes that looked at him forlornly.
Where Sirius was hesitant to give or receive physical affection, James tended to be a hugger and a toucher. A moment after Sirius came out from under the bench, James was scratching a spot behind his ear. “I brought sandwiches,” he said, mostly to fill the silence of the evening.
***
The silence stretched on for long minutes. James could continue talking and the dog would never move, soaking up his scratches and his presence like the sponge he was. Let it never be said Sirius was anything other than a leech. James was his best supply for, well, everything. But eventually, eventually the boy very slowly came back around to himself so that fur fell away and in place it was a mop of fabulous dark hair.
Sirius pulled his head away so James wasn’t scratching his head, “I’m not a dog, mate,” he said lightly but the levity wasn’t there. He shrugged himself together though and pushed his shaggy locks out of his face, drawing his knees up to his chest where he rested his elbows.
“What kind of sandwiches?” That, probably, had been the biggest adjustment when Sirius had run away from home. Accustomed to expensive, delectable and exotic foods, Sirius’ exposure to a ‘poor man’s’ meal had thrown him for a loop. He’d sad rude things out of confusion and misunderstanding, quite like he did everything else he’d never known until he’d been made to live in it.
***
“Ham and cheese,” James said. James, too, was used to fancier fare, but he was trying to make the best of a shit situation and knew that Sirius needed him to keep his head up. “And a beer and a bag of crisps,” he added, because he’d thought Sirius might have needed one when he’d seen the sad messages that were being sent his way. He rustled the bag that was on the seat beside him, which is where he’d put the foods he’d brought along.
He’d have probably kept on petting his friend, but Sirius got weird about touching sometimes so James obliged, folding his hands in his lap and not really budging from his friend’s side. He was used to Sirius’ mood swings and could roll with them rather easily.
***
Sirius twisted round to look at the bag, his eyes dragging from it to James then back again, a smile touching his face then flicking away. Mercurial, Sirius had once heard his aunt describe him, he was mercurial and difficult, like his Mother. Liable to fly off the handle at nothing and remain sullen for hours, only to come back around as if nothing had happened.
Sirius hated that comparison the most. He wasn’t like them.
Moodily, the boy stretched out his long legs and rose to his feet with the grace of a languid cat. Then he flopped heavily onto the bench beside his friend and reached into the bag for a sandwich, pulling one out. He wasn’t hungry, so he just held it in his hands and stared down at it with a sour look on his face. He wasn’t mad at James, he never could be. James had done his best and that was much more than anyone else in the world did for Sirius.
So he leaned his shoulder casually against his friend.
“I’m sorry I’m awful, James. They’re all going to hate you for it.” He was always cleaning up Sirius’ messes.
***
“What’re you talking about?” James asked with a little frown. “You’re not awful. And nobody hates me, I’m great. And even if they did, fuck them.” Where Sirius got the sandwich, James went for the beer, because it seemed the sort of night that he might need a bit of alcohol.
Gently, he bumped his shoulder against Sirius’, a little gesture to show that he was there. James sounded patient and unworried by Sirius’ claim. Even if people did end up hating him, which James suspected just wasn’t the case, he wouldn’t really be that put out by it. He’d rather have his best friend at his side than some strangers.
***
There was classic James, fuck the world that didn’t fit them into it. He’d always been so .. free and reckless and uncaring. How did he do that, Sirius wondered? How could he be like that? Sirius eyed his friend sideways, watching him pop open the cap of his beer with as much casual grace as a nerd could do. Which was to say, not casually cool at all.
Sirius snickered.
James. You nerd.
“Nothing, I’m not talking about anything.” Sirius ripped a piece of bread from the sandwich and stuffed it fluidly into his mouth, chewing idly while he thought about everything he didn’t know how to say. “I’m trying to be better,” he resolved, frowning. No, that wasn’t right either. Not quite what he meant. What did he mean?
“I don’t know why everyone’s always so upset anyway, it’s stupid. What do they know about anything, James?” Meaning, of course, the fact Sirius had no idea how to interact and it was because of where he’d come from and the things he’d been raised to believe.
***
James saw some emotions flit across Sirius’ face and gave him a few moments to feel whatever he was feeling. He didn’t know where his patience for this came from, but he was intensely grateful for it. “You’re fine,” he said automatically, because Sirius was his best friend and he would always come to his defense. “And I don’t know what anyone knows about anything anymore,” he said, fairly good-natured as he sipped his beer.
He offered it to Sirius after he’d downed about a third of the drink. “We’re all confused and scared and fucked up. Reckon half of the ones who are snippy are just having a bad day because they miss the sun and trees or shit, you know?”
***
You’re fine.
James never lied. He was awful at it, anyway, in a way Sirius loved. Sirius wasn’t much better, it’s just that he never cared if anyone believed his lies when he told them. But the point though, about lying, was that when James said the words Sirius could believe them. James didn’t lie to him. Sirius had never trusted something as much as he trusted that. James never lied to him. So he peered at him with the intense grey eyes of a dog for which he was named and then he smiled.
“Okay,” he said, nodding. Then he took the beer and finished it off in a go, making a face. It wasn’t proper alcohol from home, of course it tasted off. He opened his mouth to say so then closed it right back up again.
That’s what got him into trouble, voicing opinions on things he’d never had opinions on before he could.
“I miss the sun. Hey, do you think we could charm the dormitories the way the Great Hall was? With the skies? Maybe we could make it weather in there, until we find a flat we can rent.”
Mood considerably cheered (see, mercurial, maybe his aunt was right) Sirius took a bite of the sandwich.
***
“Huh,” James said, head cocked to the side. “That’s a fantastic idea, actually,” he added, a slow smile making its way to his face. He hoped that it would cheer people in the barracks up enough that they’d lay off of Sirius for a while. It seemed like he really needed people to be kinder to him and that was one way to possibly go about it.
“Maybe we do that in the hallways? And our room. Because I could really do with a nice night sky. With the moon. Like normal.” He grinned at Sirius, knowing his mood had shifted pretty quickly and feeling relieved about it. “But we can do the hallways and people will be happy about it when they wake up tomorrow and see actual sky on their way to the bathroom or whatever.”
***
“I know it is,” Sirius said lightly, “Because I’m a genius.” He grinned his doglike, boyish grin and pushed his floppy hair out of his face. “I think we can, we can do the whole building, that way it’ll be just like a regular day. Sunlight and all,” even if there’d be no heat. It’d give them some semblance of regularity, a difference between the perpetual dark. A time to know when it was breakfast or time to sleep.
If Sirius were a thoughtful, thinking human being he’d consider the others like James had done. But he hadn’t, he’d considered himself and his friend only. It would be like home. Weird, really, how often Sirius thought of home. For someone who associated it with mostly bad memories, he sure did miss it.
He glanced aside at James.
“James?”
He frowned, pausing.
“.... are you okay? I mean, with being away from Red and all.”
***
For a moment, James’ facade cracked a bit. A shadow crossed over his face. He looked sad. But then, because Sirius seemed to be having an off night, he tried for a smile. It didn’t quite reach his eyes, but it wasn’t entirely hopeless, either. “I’m… you know.” He shrugged a shoulder loosely, knowing Sirius would probably see through any lie he told. “I miss her. I miss our friends. I’m worried as fuck. I don’t really like it here.” He said all of this very quickly, words tumbling out of his mouth. “Not much to do about it, though.” So he tried not to focus on his unhappiness at the situation, because if he did, he suspected he’d have a hard time getting out of bed every morning.
Lily was the worst of it and Remus and Peter were a close second. Most days James woke up missing the scent of his wife’s shampoo in his nose or of the sight of the back of a blurry redhead in bed with him before he reached for his glasses. It hurt to be away from her. And he worried what might be happening if time was passing for her without him.
James looked away for a second and when he turned back to Sirius, he had something of a pained smile on his face. “I’m getting by, Padfoot. Thanks for asking.”
***
That look, that brief flash of pain on James’ face was the worst thing in the world. It hit Sirius somewhere in his heart and for a moment the boy stared at his friend. What to say? What to do? James was better at these things, it was always why he’d done it and why Sirius had usually mimicked it in times of need. What would James do now?
Sirius frowned more deeply, nodding his head again to acknowledge he heard his friend.
Then he leaned in and slung his arm around James’ shoulders, pressing his head happily to the darker skinned boy’s.
“Course you miss her, she’s your wife. You’ll see her again, mate. I’m selfish enough to want her to come here.” Because if she came here she’d cheer James right up and that look would never touch his face again. He’d be happy.
“She’ll hold on by herself a while longer now, mate. She’s Lily Evans Potter, of course she will.” She was strong and undaunted and she’d been brave enough to marry James. Of course she’d be fine.
***
“Yeah,” James smile got more genuine as Sirius reassured him. “Yeah, of course. That woman’s a bloody spitfire, isn’t she? If anything she’ll have my hide when we get back home and I’ll be sleeping on the couch for a month.” He even chuckled. Joking about the wrath of Lily Evans had been a pastime of theirs since about Fourth Year.
James let his arm go around Sirius’ back in something like a hug. “We’ll be fine,” he sighed. “Potter and Black always come out of things on top, eh?”
***
“Exactly that,” Sirius said seriously, smiling his ridiculous smile at James. “She’ll be fine and we’ll make it through this place.” Because they’d faced worse already and came out strong. And Sirius fully believed that so long as James was here the world could fall apart around them and they’d be okay anyway.
Black and Potter, always come out of things on top. Unstoppable. Sirius squeezed his nerdy friend briefly then let him go, he ate the remainder of his sandwich in quick bites then looked at the other boy.
“Come on then, let’s go start a riot.”
***
James felt better that Sirius seemed cheered up. His mood sometimes fluctuated depending on how Sirius was doing. “No riots,” he laughed. “Let's bring in some moonlight without rioting.”
He let Sirius lead the way because he knew that was important sometimes, too.