[he might not have ever said anything to them about what he's been confused about, but when he has talk he won't lie and say anything stupid like 'i don't want porthos you're wrong' because it's not true]
[he doesn't sigh or make much noise, but his jaw works as he tries to find the best words. when he finds them, he looks at Aramis earnestly, but it's clearly difficult.]
I have been asking myself for some time what I...want from either of you. I still don't have an answer.
[...]
But whatever it is, it's felt in equal measure for you both.