[Kind of just -- charges through all this before Aramis can interrupt, not pausing]
When the front moved and we were that close to Douai it -- you were right there but you might as well have been across the ocean. It's -- it's not as if I'd ever have seen you. Or want the fighting to get near you. [And not like he wasn't full of bitterness and resentment and hurt at having him so close and so far away]
Just kept thinking it. You were right there and there was nothing I could do. You were still gone. And I could die out there and you'd never know. Or you'd find out and it'd... I don't know. [he doesn't want to think about what your reaction would have been -- if you'd have been devastated or had moved on enough that it wouldn't have been devastating; either option is pretty shitty]
[his point is,] I'm tired of you being far away from me. [either physically or emotionally.]