Rose Hathaway :: Vampire Academy (lildampeer) wrote in kirkrose, @ 2015-11-07 12:17:00 |
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Even here, amongst the peace and beauty of the island, Rose found it hard to sleep. The same demons that had plagued her for nearly a month - longer, really, but it had gotten worse after that week of living as a different Rose - had followed her to this tropical paradise Regina had sent her to. Everything had come rushing back to her all at once that night, as that other her had faded away, as she’d stood there staring in shock at her heart in Regina’s hand. Following Dimitri to Russia. Everything that came after. Dimitri showing up here in Lawrence as a strigoi and everything that had happened then. Everyone he’d killed because she hadn’t stopped him. Everything she’d done when he eventually turned her, too. It had all come flooding back, all at once, and it was like living through it all over again. Before she could even begin to deal with that stuff, people had started waking up different ages. Lissa had been five again and Rose had been consumed with taking care of her and of Scorpius. She’d had help, of course, but it had been something to see Lissa look at her like that again. Like she loved her. Of course it had ended. Lissa had turned cold and distant again. Rose couldn’t blame her for that, especially if the memories had come rushing back for Lissa like that had for her. That didn’t stop it from hurting, though, and when you added it to everything else she was trying to work through, it meant she wasn’t coping very well. Not that Rose was willing to admit to that out loud. Her standard response when anyone asked was that she was fine. She tried to press on and deal on her own. For a while, she’d tried with Cami’s help, but she was gone, too. Now she was trying to deal with it all on her own, even though a part of her knew she should let her loved ones help her. Regina, Jim, they were almost all she had left, or that’s what it felt like. She knew she shouldn’t shut them out, but she didn’t know how to begin to start letting them help her, either. Rose woke, like she often did, in the middle of the night. The bed was a different one that she was used to, but she could feel the familiar weight of her boyfriend at her side. Sometimes her bad dreams woke him, too, but for the moment he seemed to still be sleeping peacefully. Rose laid there for several moments, trying to find that peace herself, but it eluded her. Eventually, she slipped carefully and quietly from the bed. Her stealth training came in pretty handy in moments like this and once she was out of the bedroom, she grabbed a pair of shorts and a clean t-shirt and then pulled on some shoes. It was probably stupid, but she was hoping a run on the beach would wear her out enough that she could get back to sleep. It was even stupider to slip out without waking Jim, but that had been her habit lately when she couldn’t sleep. Slip out. Go patrol or go for a run. Slip back in before anyone noticed she was gone. It was just another way she tried to deal with her problems on her own. She wasn’t sure how long or how far she ran, but Rose pushed herself hard. She pushed herself hard enough that her side ached when she made it back to the house and her legs were screaming at her to stop. The idea of collapsing in the sand outside was incredibly tempting, but so was the idea of a long shower, so she made herself inside, trying to be quiet as she opened the door. If she used one of the bathrooms that wasn’t connected to the room they’d claimed as theirs, she could probably shower without waking her boyfriend and slip back into bed without him even knowing she’d been gone. At least that was her plan. ~~~ She thought he didn’t notice when she left the bed. When he’d had a few drinks in him, yeah, it took him a little while to notice she wasn’t in bed with him, but he still knew. That had been happening a bit more frequently, which was something he wasn’t all that happy about. He was going back to old habits, the habits he’d gone to in the year after losing Pike, the year after Khan back home...the year after he died. The year where it took a few shots of whiskey to dull the aches in him. Not the physical ones; he didn’t have those. No, it was more the aches left inside. He’d been able to lean on his friends and eventually he was fine. He’d had his ship rechristened, he’d gone back into space...life was good. Then he was here. And it had been rocky for a while. He’d been a world class asshole after Ginger, basically threw a massive hissy fit, but after the apocalypse, after being in Europe for a while and getting his head on straight, he’d grounded himself. Coming back to Lawrence, working at the Youth Center, making it a point to be involved in things again...he’d made it through. He’d weathered losses in friends and been okay. Not great, not bad, but okay. But between the one-two-three-four punch of losing the Center and Greaves House to the earthquake, breaking his arm, having rose forget him and their relationship for a week and then, on top of everything else, losing Kenzi? He was done. Not even having Bones back in his life was making things be okay at the moment. So he was incredibly grateful Regina had literally forced the two of them to go off and be alone. He knew he had responsibilities at home, he knew he’d pulled away from everyone (a lot lately, unfortunately), but maybe if he got his head on straight again he’d be better for the friends of his he had left. Maybe he’d be better for Rose, too. He decided to get up and go wait for her. Knowing her, since she couldn’t patrol she was probably out running. Which mean she’d probably want a shower when she got back, something cold to drink and maybe something to eat. So the kitchen would be the best place to wait. He threw on his pajama bottoms and padded out barefoot to the kitchen. He was kind of hungry so he started rummaging around for something to eat, having decided on a sandwich when he heard the door open. “If you’re wondering if you can sneak in, I’m already awake and in the kitchen,” he said in an amused voice, wanting to make sure she knew he wasn’t upset at all. ~~~ "Oops, busted." Rose held up her hand in mock surrender as she poked her head into the kitchen. She paused there in the doorway to admire him for a moment as a slight smile curved her lips. It didn't meet her eyes. It never did these days, but she couldn't help appreciate the sight of him standing there in the kitchen. It wasn't that he was hot, although he really, really was, but it struck Rose, as it often did, that she was really lucky to have him in her life. It also struck her that she'd been kind of a shitty girlfriend lately. She knew he was hurting, with everything the seal had put them through lately, but she'd been too wrapped up in her own trauma to actually be there for him. She felt guilty about that and about just sneaking out after she'd once promised him she wouldn't shut him out again. It was second nature for her to try and deal with her problems on her own, though, and even though she knew she was probably hurting her loved ones in the process, she wasn't really sure how to stop. "You're supposed to be sleeping," she chided him teasingly, putting enough levity in her tone that he should know she wasn't actually upset with him for ruining her master plan to sneak back into bed without him noticing. She kind of suspecting those tactics weren't working, anyway. It was just easier to pretend she was fooling him if he was in bed when she got back from these late night excursions. "You're supposed to be asleep," she repeated, "and I'm supposed to be able to sneak back to bed without you waking up so I can pretend you don't know when I can't sleep." Rose thought about going to get that shower and she hesitated in the doorway for a moment before she changed her mind and moved towards him instead. There was so much she should say to him, but she couldn't seem to find the words. She didn't know where to start, so instead she went for small talk. "What are you making?" ~~~ “I’m making a sandwich,” he said, looking through the refrigerator, seeing what was in there. “It looks like there is ham, turkey, salami and prosciutto for meats, and there’s gruyere, havarti and Swiss cheeses. And then there’s all sorts of other stuff to add. I’m eyeing the avocado, the tomatoes, the lettuce and maybe some bacon.” He started pulling some stuff out and setting it on the counter. He knew that Rose wasn’t the type of person who liked to talk about things. She didn’t open up easily, and she’d been shutting herself off more and more lately. If she wanted to open up to him she would whenever she was ready, and he’d just wait and keep making small talk. He didn’t want to pressure her. He knew that if he did, she would probably bolt, and he didn’t want that. He liked her in his life, he liked what they had. He almost thought maybe he might even be in love with her. Hell, he probably was. He didn’t want to admit it, though. If he did and she didn’t feel the same way? That would definitely scare her off, he knew that. Now wasn’t the time to think about it, though. Now was the time to just focus on her and see what she needed. He motioned to the sandwich ingredients. “Anything look appealing to you?” ~~~ “All of it,” she admitted. Suddenly, Rose was starving. It might be closer to breakfast time than any other meal, but a sandwich still sounded good. Especially since he was making it. Food always tasted better when he made it for her, even something like this that didn't require actual cooking. Maybe that was weird, but it was still true. Rose hopped up on the part of the counter he wasn't using and sat there watching him work. Speaking of things that looked appealing. Rose lov d watching him work in the kitchen. She loved watching him, period. For one things, he was just too damn attractive for his own good, but it was more than that. Pulling out the elastic that held it in place, she shook her head free from her pony tail and tried to figure out what it was about him that appealed to her so much. As usual, she couldn't figure it out. They were a lot alike, she knew that, but always the strength of her feelings caught her by surprise. She didn't know when or how she had fallen for him. She couldn't point to a single moment Maybe it was now, watching him here in this kitchen as he made her sandwich and thinking about the way he'd always stood by her, since the moment they'd met. Even when she didn't deserve it. “God, I love you.” She blurted out the words without even realizing she'd said them out loud. It was one of those moments when she just said exactly what she was thinking without stopping to consider whether it was a good idea and her eyes widened when she realized she'd actually spoken. Out loud. Where she could be heard. Shit. ~~~ He slowed what he was doing for a moment before stopping completely and looking up at her. He was really lucky his eyes weren’t wide; to be honest, he hadn’t expected to hear those words out of her mouth anytime soon, if ever. Not that he needed to hear them. He’d have stayed with her even if she never said them, never acknowledged she loved him. He had the feeling even if she never said the words she’d have shown him in a million little ways and he would have known without a shadow of a doubt. He moved so he was standing in front of her, his body between her legs. He hesitated just a moment, then reached over and took his hands in hers, running his thumbs on her palms. “You love me, huh?” he asked, a grin on his face as he looked up at her before bringing one of her palms to his lips to kiss it. ~~~ Rose’s heart was racing as her turned around. Blurting it out like that was stupid. Saying it at all had probably been stupid. They hadn’t been together that long yet. She knew this wasn’t just a fling for either of him, but that didn’t mean saying those words wouldn’t be enough to freak any guy out. Especially saying them in probably the least romantic way ever. But then he was standing there with that ridiculous grin on his face and he was holding her hands, kissing one of her palms. A part of her wanted to tease him over what a complete dork he was, like she had the first time he’d done it. But that had been a lifetime ago, when they’d just been friends and when she just hadn’t been able to admit how much she’d liked it. This was different. “Yeah,” she admitted. Her expression was serious as she looked at him. It terrified her to admit it out loud. It had terrified her to admit it even to herself, but he didn’t look freaked out at all by what she’d said. “Yeah, I do. I love you.” ~~~ He felt something inside him just…settle. He probably should have felt euphoric, he supposed. Felt like he could have fought off a million enemies. Felt like he could have conquered the world. Felt like he could challenge the biggest, baddest guys in either of their worlds and kicked their asses and been a hero. But instead he felt settled. It felt like everything was just…right. He moved the other hand over, kissed her other palm. “Good, because I love you too,” he said, not looking up at her when he said it. He wanted to see her reaction, he did, but she had said it in a really off the cuff way, and he wanted her to realize that it was as simple for him, too. It was a momentous thing, of course, it really as, but saying it, meaning it…well, that was really simple. He’d say it because it was true. He did love her. She was the first woman he’d ever be able to say he felt that way towards without a shadow of a doubt. And there was nothing complicated about it. ~~~ Rose hadn’t meant to say it at all, but now, well, she was kind of glad that she had. She’d never really been into big romantic gestures or been someone who needed to talk about what she was feeling a lot, but hearing him say it back to her felt so unbelievably good. For the first time in a long time she felt like maybe everything was actually going to be okay. That was probably stupid, all things considered, but for the first time in a while she was focused on something else, something good. “It’s not just because you make a really awesome sandwich,” she said, not really sure how she was even making jokes right now. That was what she tended to do when things go too serious, though. “I mean, it helps that you’re really hot, too. Even if you are a complete dork.” ~~~ “Well, I mean, if it was because I made a really awesome sandwich I’d have been disappointed because that’s nothing compared to my lasagna,” he said with a laugh. “But it does help to know you don’t hold my dorkiness against me. If it got out, that would completely kill that whole sex god persona I have.” After a moment he moved his hands to her waist and pulled her to the very edge of the counter, running his hands up and down her waist for a moment, looking up at her with a very heated gaze. “You know, I’m kind of not in the mood for a sandwich anymore,” he said. “I think there’s something a lot more appealing I’d like to have a taste of right now.” ~~~ “Your lasagna is kind of badass,” she admitted, her tone filled with mock seriousness as if it was his cooking alone that had made her fall in love with him. She laughed outright at the sex god comment, though. “Sex god persona, huh?” she teased. “Someone thinks way too highly of himself.” Truthfully, she thought that reputation was well earned, but there was no way she was going to admit that out loud. His ego didn’t need that kind of stroking. Moments before, Rose had been starving. The idea of eating had been even more appealing than several minutes in a hot shower. Now, though, Rose’s own wants shifted. Just the way he was looking at her was enough to thrill her and even through her clothing, his hands felt like fire on her body. “Is that right?” she asked, tilting her head to the side and playing dumb for a minute. She knew exactly what he was getting at, of course, but where would the fun be in admitting that right away? ~~~ “Hey, the Shatner version of me started the whole thing,” he pointed out with a grin. “There have been actual academic papers published on his sexual habits. Most people just assume I’m the same way. I just have to let people believe the assumptions are true.” He was joking, for the most part, but there was truth to it. The fans in this world came up with crazy theories, and he’d looked up a few. Most of the time he regretted it, but sometimes it gave him fun information to tease his girlfriend with. Of course, the mood was shifting and the teasing was taking on a different tone now. He nodded at her statement and when his hands got down to the bottom of her shirt her let his fingers skirt under the edge so that they were against her skin. “I mean, I could keep making the sandwiches, but there are definitely much tastier things on this counter. I think I’m looking at one item in particular right now.” ~~~ “Well, I think I’m going to need to do a little more research before I can say whether or not they’re right about that,” she suggested with a smirk. Yeah, the mood was definitely shifting and she was probably still going to get him to make her something carbilicious later, but she was pretty okay with him not making sandwiches right now. She sucked in a breath as his fingers slipped under her shirt. If his touch had felt good through the material, it was amazing feeling it on bare skin. “You know,” she told him, “I was thinking about a shower before I heard you in here and I think I might need a little help with that.” Not that staying here in the kitchen wasn’t an option, too. ~~~ “I am at your disposal to do as much research as you want,” he said with a grin, giving her a look. This was what he had always wanted, he realized. Someone he could joke with, someone he could tease, someone he could romance and kiss and worship and all of that and still be goofy and with who would give him a hard time for being a dork before kissing him and curling up next to him. That’s why he loved her. He hoped the Seal didn’t take her away like it took everyone else away. He didn’t want to think about life without her. “A shower, huh?” he asked, pulling her further off the counter as he tightened his grip on her waist. He positioned her so that she could wrap her legs around his waist when he pulled her completely off the counter. “I could be down for helping you with that.” ~~~ There was some part of Rose that still didn’t believe she deserved this. After everything she’d done, she didn’t deserve to have a man like this, who loved her in spite of her flaws, in spite of the worst sides of her. She’d spent the last few weeks pushing him away, not being there for him and not really letting him in, despite all her promises to do otherwise, but here he was, telling her that he loved her and she could tell that he really meant it. She knew she didn’t deserve it, didn’t deserve him, but damn, she loved him. The idea of feeling this was about someone else after Dimitri had felt impossible, but now she couldn’t imagine anything different. She couldn’t imagine not having Jim in her life. She didn’t want to imagine it. Rose wrapped her legs around him, and slipped her arms around his shoulders. “I might need a lot of help,” she told him. “I hope you didn’t have any other plans for a while.” ~~~ He grinned and then ran a hand up her back. "No, I didn't have any other plans," he said, using his hand to move her closer to him. He looked up at her and felt that there was nothing more about this moment that would make it more perfect. After a moment he moved his hand up to cradle the back of her head and pull her in for a kiss. After a moment he started to carry her towards the bathroom, intent on making sure that, if nothing else, it was a memorable occasion. He had never told anyone he had loved them before, even though he had felt strongly towards women he'd been interested in, and while he knew she had loved Dimitri he wanted to make sure that she remembered today as much as he did. For them, this was a turning point, and he just hoped it got better from here on out. |