perc'ildan.
I don't know, Vax. I have no experience with this. I just know that for what felt like days or weeks or more there was agony and the feeling of being shredded into pieces and I can't help but feel like something like that does not just go away. How do you recover from being torn apart?
Maybe killing Anna would have made it harder for me to overcome Orthax. But maybe it would not have. And maybe if I had the strength then, none of this would have happened. The things she did...I had very good reason to want her dead, Vax. She was always too clever and too dangerous to live.
You asked her...but why? There was every chance she would refuse, that she would be angry with you for even asking. I am not complaining. You helped save me. But I do not understand why she would agree. Least of all for me. I...I do not know what to say in the face of your forgiveness.
I wanted you to be angry with me. To blame me. To punish me for it. Vex forgave far too easily. Everyone did. And I needed someone to blame me. I needed someone to hate me for it as much as I hated myself. Because it made it easier not to forget and forgive myself, when I did not deserve it. And I knew that you would. You were not stupid, Vax. You were doing what I wanted you to.