InsaneJournal

I still can't believe it was little more than a day. It still feels as though it should have been longer.

vox machina + star labs + allies.

I feel mostly recovered now. Though I do not know that I will ever completely Sleep has helped a great deal. I feel a bit more like myself with each passing day. If anyone has need of me, please let me know. I must admit I am going a bit stir crazy without work to do.

I am so grateful to all of you for your friendship. It has truly pulled me through many dark times in my life. I nearly lost myself to vengeance, and not just in my death but in my life as well. It was your friendship that helped me to find a better path and I will always be thankful for that.

There was a letter, in my coat. I hope that, if you found it, you did not read it. I rather hope you burned it. If you did read it, I want you to know that while some sentiments stand, others have changed. I feel that, perhaps, I have found my way closer to being a better man. And in some strange way, my death brought me to that point. I was finally able to let go of vengeance, and to die knowing that...even with what came after, has brought me some small measure of peace. And I think going forward, with all of you, I can continue to become better. So thank you.

I have never been one to make friends easily. I am certain that has been quite apparent. I was a rather solitary sort, before my family died, and I spent many years after consumed with a single purpose. Even Vox Machina only came into my life as a result of that purpose. They became a family for me. And in a very short time, you all have as well. It is a strange thing to have friends. To have family. And it means a great deal to me. Whatever has been said, you are not acquaintances, or colleagues. You are a sort of home. And that is not something I have had much of.

I am sorry I broke my promise. I cannot promise it will never happen again, but I can promise that I will do my best to stay safe and to always come home to you. The evils I brought into this world are now gone. I can leave behind vengeance. And I hope, in time, I can be someone of whom you can say you are proud.

I spent years thinking I had lost you. That you had died because of me. And when I found you, I thought I was going to lose you again. But here you are. You have become a beautiful, wonderful woman and a capable leader and I am so proud of you. You remind me a great deal of Mother and I know she and Father would be just as proud of you as I am.

I did not get a chance to thank you. I know it was a risk, doing what you did to bring me back. And I know Vesh came much closer to being involved this time. So thank you. Very much. It means a great deal that you would take that risk.

I wish to apologize, for whatever it is that has made you distant. I do not know what it is that I have done, or what happened in the ritual that has upset you so, but I truly miss your company. And I hate that I have lost it, through some means I cannot recall.

You have always been my favorite. And you always will be. You are a dear friend and a lovely, clever, brave woman and I do not know what I would do without you. Please do not make make me find out. Never tell the others I said so, for they will never believe I was able to admit it, but you are far smarter than I am.

I also need to say, because I worry you will never realize. I gave you a title for a number of reasons. But I did not give you a title for your father. Or to make you worthy. I gave you a title in the hopes that you would see that you do not need it. That you are worth so much more than you think. I gave you a title because you were hurting and I could not stand to see that and I wanted to do something to fix it. I fix things. It's what I do. It's one of the only things I do well. And I gave you a title because Whitestone is my home. And I wanted you to feel that my home is your home. Because then, maybe, I could keep you in my life, when all is said and done. I just wanted you to know the whole of it.

Thank you, again. I truly cannot thank you enough for what you did for me. Vax and Kash may have saved my life. But you saved my soul, and I can never repay that.

I must also apologize. My rashness nearly got you killed as well. I am only glad that you survived. If anything had happened to you, I never would have forgiven myself. You are my dearest friend in the world, Keyleth, and I love you so much. I don't know that I've told you that enough. You make me want to be a better version of myself, and you make me think that is something which is attainable. I truly do not know what I would ever do without you.

Which is why I must also apologize, for things with Vax and Shaun. I know it is confusing. And complicated. But it does not mean that Vax loves you any less. I know that he doesn't. He has so much capacity for love. If this is not what you want, then we will find a way to untangle things so that you may be happy. But I think you have so much compassion and kindness in you that this could be good for everyone. Just be patient with Vax. He can be an idiot. And while my feelings for you are not quite the same as Vax's, I love you more than perhaps anyone else in my life. That is to say, whatever is between you and Vax or Vax and I or any of us, I want you to always be in my life.

And maybe talk to Kash. If you want to. And don't push him through any trees. You are allowed to love more than one person too.

I love you. It really is simple as that. And I am sorry. I realize now that, had I died and remained that way back home, nobody would have known anything existed between us. And I hate that. You deserve better than that. I would not have wanted you to grieve alone. And I hope you would have found comfort, had I not come back.

I love you. I do not know that I have said it, since all that has happened. It has been a lot. But I did not want you to forget.

I think I understand better how you felt, after Vex died. It would have been different for her, than it was for me, but the thought of her being alone hurts. And the fact that I caused it is something I will always regret. Just as I regret that Keyleth was nearly killed this time. If she had died, I hope you would have brought her back, rather than me. I do not know that I would have been able to live without her. And I must apologize for the fact that she came so close to joining me in death. I am so grateful it was only me, and not anyone else. But it could have been. And I am so sorry for that. Anna Ripley and Orthax and their guns were all monsters I unleashed upon the world. Everything that happened that day was because of me. And if, having seen the full extent of the horror I have brought into our world, your feelings have changed, I do understand. As much as I love you, I would never be so selfish as to hold on to you if you would rather go.

I have been dreaming lately. A lot. About many things. Some of them are not to be spoken of. But I have also been dreaming of your Lady.

My father was a good man. He was clever and noble and loyal. He was kind. He was every bit the best example of what a man could be. I admired him greatly. He stood by his convictions. He had integrity. He loved his family. And he loved his home. And he died defending what he loved.

Knowing you, I see a lot of my father. And that is a comfort.

You remind me a lot of myself, which some will say is an insult and other will say is the highest of compliments. Take it as you will. You are far more clever than most will ever acknowledge and working with you is an honor.

You have seen the worst bits of my life. And I trust you with that knowledge.

I suppose now you can show me all your ridiculous films you keep talking about. After all, I've already died. They cannot possibly be worse.