ᴀᴅᴀɪɴᴇ ᴀʙᴇʀɴᴀᴛʜ (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} portential) wrote in ![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} jurassiccitynet,@ 2015-11-06 18:39:00 |
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I can't be here. Like...I really can't. I just have a lot of...everything to deal with. I need to get home before something terrible happens.
Zoom is becoming more and more of a threat and he keeps sending people to kill me and people are getting hurt and dying because of it. Because of me. I mean, Doctor Light wouldn't have gone after Linda if I hadn't accidentally told her she had a doppelganger. I have to stop Zoom before this goes any further, but I don't know how. Everything Jay and Wells are telling me says that he's more dangerous than the Reverse-Flash, and I didn't even stop him. Eddie did. And he died. And that was my fault. Eddie. Ronnie. My mother. All of them died because of me. People keep acting like it wasn't my fault. But it was. It was my fault Eddie died. He only killed himself because of the Reverse-Flash, because I couldn't stop him. And Ronnie wouldn't have died destroying the singularity if I hadn't gone back in time in the first place. And my mother...Wells was trying to kill me when he killed her. If it weren't for me, she never would have died. My father never would have spent all those years in prison for something he didn't even do. Caitlin would have Ronnie and Iris would have Eddie. Some days, I just feel like everyone would have been better off if he'd just succeeded. I can't even pretend that the people I've saved make up for it somehow, because Wells only built the Particle Accelerator and had it explode to make sure I would become the Flash. So without me, all those people who were affected would be normal. Nobody's lives would have been ruined.
I could have saved my mother. I had a chance to. Wells gave me a chance to, because he needed me to rip a hole in time so he could go back home. But saving her would have undone the entire timeline and I couldn't risk that I would make everything worse just so save her. So I let her die. I stayed so that she wasn't alone and I held her hand and I watched my mother die. I still dream about it. I still think about it all the time. There are days when I wish I had been more selfish because I miss her so much. And she's gone. And I was there and I let it happen. And then...everything else happened.
I hate that I'm the reason the man Iris loved is dead. I hate that she lost Eddie. And even with everything, I'm still so stupidly, completely in love with her. It's not like I'll ever do anything about it. She lost her fiance, the love of her life, because of me. I'd be a complete asshole to ever expect her to feel the same way about me. She's my best friend and I just want her to be happy. I've been trying to move on, but I just don't know how. I even went on a date, but it just feels like I'm forcing it. Everyone keeps telling me to move on and to try being with someone else but why? Patty's great. She's kind of amazing. She's everything I should want. I mean...she's beautiful and smart and loves science and makes really bad puns and jokes and she likes me even though I'm an absolute disaster. On paper, she's perfect for me. But she isn't Iris. And if I wanted someone perfect on paper, I would have just dated Felicity. But I'm in love with Iris and I think I always will be and there's nothing I can do to change it. I'm the one who ruined any chance I had with her. There was one day when she told me she loved me and we kissed and it was everything I ever hoped for with her. And then I screwed up and accidentally went back in time and ruined it. And I can't even really regret that, because if I hadn't Cisco would be dead and probably Joe and a lot of people. It's selfish to wish I hadn't lost that chance. And anyway, she and Eddie were happy together. She deserved to have a life with him. He was a better man than I could ever hope to be. Ollie told me once that guys like us don't get the girl, and I think he was right about that. Except he's kind of an asshole too because he did get his girl. So maybe it's just me. I don't know, I have my friends but sometimes, I just feel so alone and I don't know how to fix it.
And I don't even know why I'm thinking about that. I mean, why am I even worried about my stupid disaster of a lovelife when there's a supervillain sending bad guys through the multiverse to kill me. How am I supposed to stop him when I can barely keep my head on straight. Wells is wrong about me, I think. He says I can stop Zoom, but how can I do that? I'm a failure. I'm not what he wants me to be. And every time I look at him, I just see the man who killed my mother. I know he's not him. I know he's a version from another world and he didn't do those things, but I can't just pretend it doesn't kill me to look at him. He's not even anything like the Wells I knew. He's kind of a complete asshole, actually. Which is almost refreshing. I mean, our Wells was evil and hated me and wanted to kill me, but at the same time...he cared for whatever reason. He cared about me and Cisco and Caitlin. He encouraged us. He tried to make us better. And as awful as it is, part of me misses him. Or the person I thought he was before the truth came out. This Wells looks too much like him and is nothing like him at the same time and all of it hurts in different ways. And I'm terrified of trusting him, because it feels like every time I trust someone, it blows up in my face. I can't keep doing that.
I don't understand why Jay thinks I'm a better Flash than him. He thinks he's a coward, but he's a good man. He's probably better than me. If he hadn't lost his speed to Zoom, I'm sure he'd be better than me. I'm not stupid. I see how Caitlin looks at him. I'm glad she's moving on from Ronnie, because she deserves to be happy, but I don't want her to get hurt. One day he's going to leave and go back to his own world, and it's going to hurt her. Every time I think about it, I just want to punch him in the face for leading her on. There's no way it's going to end well. The people around me just keep getting hurt and I hate it. How am I supposed to be a hero if I can't even protect them? I feel like I'm worse than useless most days. I just feel like, with Zoom, a lot of people are going to get hurt and I don't know if I'll be able to stop it.
I'm second guessing all my choices because Wells was the one who taught me so much of what I know and he was just using me and manipulating me. He killed people and he hurt them and I can't trust my instincts because he shaped so much of them. I mean...we were keeping metahumans locked up in our secret base and now that I look at it, how was that ever the right thing to do? We were going to put them on a prison island. We were supposed to be helping them. Rehabilitating them. And we all lost sight of that. We lost sight of it because Wells kept pushing me to focus on my speed and stopping the Reverse-Flash. Stopping him. Because he wanted to use my speed. We forgot that we were supposed to be helping the people that were changed by the particle accelerator. Not locking them up and imprisoning them and not giving them a chance. I'm actually kind of glad Snart betrayed me, even if he is a complete jerk, because I'm not sure I could live with doing that to people. Honestly, I really like fighting him because he has a code and it's fun and it's one of the only times I really enjoy doing this. But Wells had me so focused on being one kind of hero, and I think I lost sight of a lot of what I should have been as a hero. And now, I just don't know how I'm supposed to do the right thing, because I don't trust myself.
I just keep feeling like, if it was someone else, they would be faster or stronger or better. I don't know why I'm the one who ended up like this, and I just don't feel like I'm good enough. I keep trying and I keep messing up and even when I do manage to get things right it mostly feels like dumb luck. There are people who count on me, who think of me as a hero, and they deserve better. I'm not a hero. I'm not even a very good person. I've done a lot of hypocritical things. I asked Snart, after he killed his father, why he did it. I judged him for it. But if I'd been able to kill the Reverse-Flash, if I hadn't been so weak, I would have done it. I don't know if I even would have felt bad about it. He killed my mother. He killed Cisco before I changed things. He was going to kill everyone who mattered to me. But I can't just pick and choose when I'm going to be a good person. I feel like I'm stumbling blindly through this, trying to figure out the right thing to do and I have no clue. I don't. People expect so much out of me and I have no idea what I'm doing. I got thrown into this and I am so tired of failing people and screwing up and not knowing what the hell I'm doing.
When I started this, all I wanted to do was help people. To make Central City better. And maybe I've done that a little, but I don't really know. I don't know if I've done enough or helped enough people. And it's all going to get worse. I know it will. Zoom is more powerful than anyone I've ever gone up against and I don't know if I'll be able to stop him when the time comes. And even if I do...then what? Watching Ollie, I've learned that there's always going to be something or someone worse. Every time you stop one threat, there's going to be something else. So even if I do stop Zoom, something bigger and badder is going to come along and eventually, I won't be able to stop whatever comes. How long am I supposed to keep doing this? There's a limit to what I can do. I may not have reached it yet, but one day I will. And one day I just won't be enough. And I'm terrified of that day. I don't want to fail people. I don't want to let them down. But I will. One of these days I will.
I never wanted this. But I don't know how to be anything else anymore. And I think that's why Zoom scares me so much. He took Jay's speed. He could take mine. And even though I kind of suck at this hero thing, I don't want to lose it. I don't want to go back to being just Barry Allen. Because as much as it sucks and as much as I don't think I'm ever going to be good enough, there's still a chance, every day, that I can help someone. And that's all I've ever really wanted to do. I don't know. I might not be the kind of hero people probably need, but at least I can do something. I have to believe that. Otherwise...what's the point of all of it? If I'm not making any kind of difference, then why even bother with this? I'm probably not even making any sense. To be fair, I don't make any sense to myself half the time. Nobody wants to listen to me complain about my life and my problems.
I honestly don't even know why I'm talking about it. I only meant to say that I don't want to be here and I want to go home. I didn't mean for all of this to come spilling out. I really hope nobody reads this, especially the part where I outed myself as a superhero to an entire city.
Can we all maybe pretend this whole thing didn't happen?