kara palamas is not who she used to be. (knowmyself) wrote in jurassiccitynet, @ 2015-11-06 03:14:00 |
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Entry tags: | kara palamas, sara lance / white canary |
I thought my life was perfect here but it is slowly falling apart and I can't stop it. I thought I was better but now I wonder if I wasn't just fooling myself into thinking I was. I can't stop thinking that maybe Jemma was wrong and the HYDRA brainwashing is still there lingering in the back of my mind stopping me from truly being whole again. I'm scared that I'll end up completely alone because no one trusts me apart from one or two people, one who doesn't want my help right now and the other who will probably end up getting convinced I'm evil and can't be trusted. Maybe they're right to say that.
I was once so loyal to SHIELD I was ready to die to uphold their values but I'm not that woman anymore. HYDRA stripped that from me and when Whitehall died I didn't know what to do. I sought help from the only person I thought understood and he helped me. But Bobbi said he manipulated me, I don't think he did but he thinks maybe he did without realizing it. What if they're right? If he did I don't think he meant to. But I don't know what to do.
Everyone keeps saying I'd be better off without him. I don't think that, just the thought of being without him terrifies me. I don't mean I can't function without him, I am more than capable of doing things on my own. I have a job and I can make my own decisions. I think I don't always put things across properly when it comes to him and people think I mean it differently so they jump to the conclusion that what I have with him is unhealthy. It isn't, we love each other a lot and we made each other happy. I don't see how that is unhealthy. I know I jump to his defense a lot but that's only because I am sick and tired of everyone treating him like shit. I just wish people would give him a chance to prove he is capable of change.
But this isn't about him, this is about me. I know I need to focus on myself more. Mack said I need to branch out but I don't feel like I can. I'm worried that if I do someone will butt in and tell whoever it is I'm talking to that I'm not to be trusted and that I've done evil things. I know I have but I thought I was doing them for the right reasons. I know that doesn't make up for them but at the time I was upset and angry, I wanted revenge. I know now that it was a bad idea. The worst idea I've ever had and yes, it was my idea to kidnap Bobbi, not Grant's but mine. He only went along with it because he thought I needed it. We were both wrong. And I paid the price for it.
I died because I didn't think things through properly, I let my emotions get the best of me and a stupid quest for revenge cost me my life. Now that same thing might cost me the one thing that has made me really happy. I've tried not to push things but I can't help the way I feel. We can't help who we fall in love with. I love, Grant Ward. I didn't choose to, it happened. We were there for each other when neither of us had anyone else, we helped each other through what might have been the darkest times in both our lives. I fell in love with him and now it hurts because he's decided I'm better off without him. What I want doesn't seem to matter. Or that's how it feels.
HYDRA ruined my life once and now I feel like they're ruining it again and they don't even exist here. Maybe I'd be better off if I was dead. At least it wouldn't feel like my heart was breaking. I don't want to go home, I don't know if I can because I'm dead back there but maybe it would be better if I did go back. I don't know what to think or feel. All I know is that it hurts and I keep crying, it's confusing Bear and he keeps whining at me.