InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I just hate people."

jessica drew (surlyspider) wrote in jurassiccitynet,
@ 2015-10-23 17:40:00

Entry tags:

bucky barnes / winter soldier (mcu), grant ward (mcu), jessica drew / spider-woman, kara palamas, natasha romanova / black widow (616), phryne fisher, teddy altman / hulkling

Of all the jobs I've had, border patrol is easily the second most entertaining. Second only because I liked being the boss and having an office.

Shield and being an Avenger weren't bad but dinosaur wrangling is kinda fun. It goes without saying that they all beat hydra.

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	surlyspider 2015-10-24 02:56 am UTC (link)
	Everyone says that. If you actually mean it, that could be fun. Everyone loves a good kill HYDRA mission. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	survives 2015-10-24 03:01 am UTC (link)
	The recruiting I was planning on setting up would take out a dozen or so every day. Fights to the death for anyone who wanted to reup. Next step was systematically getting rid of whatever upper ranks that were still left standing. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	surlyspider 2015-10-24 03:03 am UTC (link)
	You should just kill them all. Nothing good comes from that place. Trust me. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	survives 2015-10-24 03:07 am UTC (link)
	I'm well aware, but there's some of them that don't deserve it. And others that just prove useful for the time being. There's things that need to be done first. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	surlyspider 2015-10-24 03:09 am UTC (link)
	It won't work. You'll fail and you'll die. Bloody. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	survives 2015-10-24 03:12 am UTC (link)
	I won't be surprised if I do. As long as I can take as many people down with me as possible and teach those left standing a lesson, it'll be worth it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	surlyspider 2015-10-24 03:14 am UTC (link)
	You won't. Hydra is designed to fail. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	survives 2015-10-24 03:19 am UTC (link)
	I don't plan on following their design. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	surlyspider 2015-10-24 03:23 am UTC (link)
	Good luck with that. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	survives 2015-10-24 03:27 am UTC (link)
	And if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. I've nothing to live for anyway. SHIELD destroyed it all. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	surlyspider 2015-10-24 03:30 am UTC (link)
	And I'm sure you had no hand in it whatsoever. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	survives 2015-10-24 03:39 am UTC (link)
	I played my part in setting things rolling, but I also spent a year trying to be better only to get kicked in the face for my every attempt, sold out to someone who had every intention of murdering me, and capped it off by having to watch the woman I love die in my arms. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	surlyspider 2015-10-24 03:42 am UTC (link)
	I'm sure that there is more to this story. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	survives 2015-10-24 03:47 am UTC (link)
	I'd be happy to roll out the long version, but I doubt it would make a difference. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	surlyspider 2015-10-24 03:49 am UTC (link)
	I was raised in a Hydra training camp. I might be a better sounding board than most. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Ward | Jessica.

survives
2015-10-24 05:43 am UTC (link)

I was fifteen. I'd gotten shipped off to a military academy because my parents thought I was a problem child. Without me there to act as a buffer, my older brother had basically tried to murder my younger one. So I decided to give him a taste of his own medicine.

Garrett found me in a juvenile facility waiting for my arraignment. He gave me the option. Either I could stay there and wait for my brother and parents to petition the courts to try me as an adult, or I could go with him and train to join SHIELD. So I went. I spent five years in the middle of nowhere, by myself with nothing other than a hunting dog, as a matter of 'survival' training. For SHIELD. It was always for SHIELD right up until those last few months.

And by then, I didn't know what the difference would even be. SHIELD, HYDRA. It was all the same to me.

I didn't realize how much damage I had done over the years until after it was all over. Until HYDRA was out in the open, Garrett was dead, and I was in captivity with nothing to do but think.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Ward | Jessica.

surlyspider
2015-10-25 03:40 am UTC (link)

My dad was a Hydra scientist. He manipulated my genetics and let them turn me into a monster. It was all I knew until they started asking me to do things I couldn't do.

It's hard to disconnect yourself from things that run so deeply in your veins. The trick is to not let it burrow deeper inside but to cut it out.

So what happened after you had nothing to do but think?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Ward | Jessica.

survives
2015-10-25 02:25 pm UTC (link)

No parent should treat their child like that, like they're more important as a object than a person. But if you still had limits, you weren't a monster. Not that I imagine I have to tell you that. If you were with SHIELD and the Avengers, you figured it out on your own. Or had help...

I tried to cut it out.

I didn't see any way I could fix things. There was too much. Ten years, the ripple effect from even the smallest things. That combined with not feeling like I had any identity with Garrett dead, I wanted to die. So I tried to kill myself. Three times over a four month period. Being constantly monitored, though, they wouldn't let me. I was too valuable as a potential source of information. Not that I had told them anything. Guilt, residual loyalty... It wasn't until it finally dawned on me what Garrett had truly done to me that I felt like I might be able to turn things around, fix what I had done, even if I had to spend the rest of my life making up for it.

So I agreed to talk, to help them however I could.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Ward | Jessica.

surlyspider
2015-10-25 04:39 pm UTC (link)

I didn't think I had a limit. Until it was presented to me. When I was asked to kill someone I couldn't justify killing. Even after I left HYDRA, it took a long time to for them to consider me a trustworthy person. Then I was kidnapped and imprisoned by an alien race. Had to start again with some people when I got back.

So, what went wrong? I mean, the road to redemption is never easy. It's always going to have starts and stops.

If you're not letting HYDRA die, sounds like it didn't go well.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Ward | Jessica. -

survives, 2015-10-25 05:08 pm UTC

Re: Ward | Jessica. -

surlyspider, 2015-10-25 05:31 pm UTC

Ward | Jessica. -

survives, 2015-10-25 05:44 pm UTC

	Ward \| Kara knowmyself 2015-10-24 08:04 pm UTC (link)
	You are better here, Grant. And here at least you have reasons to live. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Ward \| Kara survives 2015-10-25 03:00 pm UTC (link)
	Better but still broken. I wish I still didn't feel the lingering urge to get back at them all. Even if I can ignore it for what's worth living for. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Ward \| Kara knowmyself 2015-10-25 03:21 pm UTC (link)
	We're both broken. You can't help it, I'd be exactly the same if our situations were reversed. Maybe with more time that urge will disappear. I'm just glad you're able to ignore it. I don't want anything to happen to you. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Ward \| Kara survives 2015-10-25 05:17 pm UTC (link)
	Maybe. Hopefully. I'm less angry than I have been. But that might be because the target of the majority of my anger isn't present. Hunter and Bobbi are just irritations. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Ward \| Kara knowmyself 2015-10-25 05:47 pm UTC (link)
	Well I'll do my best to give you things to focus on other than any lingering anger. I hope she never turns up here though. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	Ward \| Kara survives 2015-10-25 05:50 pm UTC (link)
	You're already succeeding there. And even if she does, we'll figure out a way to deal with it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Ward | Kara -

knowmyself, 2015-10-25 05:56 pm UTC

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